Kopter
Everything happened in a blur.
One minute we were all standing in the kitchen in silence and the next we were running into the kitchen to find Park screaming for help holding his unconscious father.
The ambulance arrived in a matter of minutes and with just enough space for one person to ride along, Park had gone with them.
We drove in complete silence to the hospital, none of us knowing what to say and none of us wanting to voice the dark thoughts that we were all thinking. I stared out of my car window, listening and watching the rain thunder down onto grey sidewalk, soaking everything in its path.
My head pounded with unanswered questions and fears.
What happened? Had they fought? Had something one of them said caused a heart attack or something?
What does a heart attack even look like? Park was the medical expert out of the two of us, I could just about figure out how to put on a bandaid without it sticking to my fingers but not much else. I hadn't heard a word the paramedics had said either, it was all just a haze of 'stat' this and 'gurney' that. I hadn't even had a chance to ask Park before he had left with them.
When I pictured Park my chest tightened painfully and I felt a rising sense of guilt and shame in my stomach. He'd looked so scared and frightened in that moment, like he had been completely overcome with fear and despair. Like he was lost all over again.
All I ever wanted was to protect him, to give him the world he had been denied and deserved more than anyone else. So far, I had been the reason that he had to watch everything he loved be torn away from him. I was the reason he had had to come out prematurely to his family, my neediness, my stubbornness and my recklessness had taken everything away from the person I loved, and now he might lose his father too.
I had to face my greatest fear, the one that had been chipping away at my confidence ever since that night. I had tried with all my might to bury it deep down, but it was rearing its ugly head once again.
Was I harmful for Park? No matter how I tried to see it, his life had gotten worse ever since I stepped into it, and there was no one else to blame.
I absentmindedly flipped my phone in my hand, hoping to all hopes that no news was good news.
I felt a warm hand press on my knee and looked up to see Mom glancing back at me from the passenger seat. "We're almost there, love." She said in a calm, reassuring voice. "Do you know where you need to go?"
"Emergency room." I said automatically. I had no idea if he had been moved elsewhere but that was my best guess. I trusted my instincts that I'd be able to find Park.
We pulled into the front of the hospital and I stepped out. I was instantly pelted by sharp sheets of painful ice-cold rain that made me gasp for air. "We'll be in the waiting area, okay?" Nok called after me, concerned. "Let us know what's happening."
Covering my head with my hands, I rushed through the automatic glass doors of the hospital and into the crowded reception. I hastily wiped away the hair plastered to my face and made my way over to the desk where a tired looking woman in purple scrubs was hastily taking down notes.
"Excuse me." She turned to look at me, her eye bags were so deep you could've stored loose change in them. "I'm looking for my friend, he arrived not too long ago accompanying his father."
She gave me a withering look. "Last name Park?" I added hopefully. She sighed and pulled out a series of files to her right out of an 'admissions' tray. "Park, Park, Park..." she muttered, following her finger down the long list of names. "Eugene Park?" she asked, "Fourty-five year old male admitted twenty-nine minutes ago with minor injuries?"
A wave of relief rushed through me as I heard the word 'minor'. I nodded.
"Bed thirty," she stated bluntly. After thanking her profusely, I looked around for a sign to direct me. "That way." She sighed exasperated, pointing to the hall on her left.
I hurried down the long hallway, through a set of heavy white double doors, and entered an even larger, more chaotic ward lined with pale blue beds on either side. The smell of cleaning products and bleach stung my nostrils and made my eyes water. From every side I was accosted by loud noises, coughs, moans and yells as people in multicoloured scrubs rushed past.
I spotted him at the very end of the ward, standing at the end of a bed that was shielded by a curtain. I ran to him, ignoring the glare of two senior looking nurses and called out to him. Just as he had looked up I was there, pulling him in and holding him so tight that I'd never let go. I felt Park's fists grab two handfuls of my shirt from behind as he pressed his head deep into my chest.
We stood like that for awhile, just holding each other and willing everything else to melt away. I tried to impart all the remorse and apology I could into the hug, all the guilt I had for putting him through this. As long as Park was in my arms, in this moment nothing could hurt him. I could protect him from anything.
I held onto him for as long as I could, but eventually he pushed back and I was forced to let him go. We both looked over at the bed in front of us to where a pale Mr.Park was lying, several IV bags of different fluids attached to his arms.
I took up one of Park's hands and squeezed it in both of my own. "What did they say?" I asked nervously. Park rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt and sighed. "I don't know. The doctor said he collapsed from exhaustion but they didn't know the reasoning why. When we arrived they took some blood from him for testing and then took him for some kind of scan, but they haven't come back with any results."
I nodded, and led Park over to the seats beside the bed. Not knowing what to do with myself, I began pacing up and down the length of the bed while Park held his head in his hands. I wasn't used to not knowing what to say, in fact, the only times I've ever been left speechless was with Park. I was painfully aware that nothing I could say or do would make this situation any better. After ten minutes of pacing a nurse in pale green scrubs approached us.
"Sorry," I apologised, automatically halting my pacing. I made to sit down when he gently placed a hand on my arm to stop me. "No, it's not that," he said kindly. "I've just come over to move you all into your private room."
Park shot up in his seat. "That's not covered in our policy." He said, alarmed. The nurse scratched his head and looked down at his chart, "Well it says here you have a private room that's been paid for. Maybe your policy has changed?"
I could tell by Park's face that he was certain that their policy had not changed and my stomach twisted a little in discomfort. I was fairly certain that if I went out to the reception right now I would find Mom and Nok filling out paperwork. I looked over nervously at Park, us paying for something he couldn't normally afford normally upset him greatly but this time seemed to be an exception. He nodded knowingly at me and began gathering up anything around the bed to bring with him.
It was a short walk and elevator ride to the new room but it felt like years. Once we got there and the nurses had checked on his vitals and left, we sat down on the new, slightly comfier seats beside the bed.
Now that we were outside the emergency ward, there was finally some silence. Park bowed his head, hands clasped together in silent prayer. I dug under my shirt, pulled out my half of our necklace and clasped it tightly, concentrating. 'Please,' I thought, 'Please let everything be okay."
Suddenly, the door to the room swung open and Sunny, followed by Mrs.Park entered in. They both looked grave and shaken, but otherwise well. Sunny acknowledged Park and I with a nod of her head while her mother rushed straight to her husband's side. She held his hand firmly and whispered something in Korean I couldn't understand.
Feeling like I should make myself useful, I stood up and made my way to the door to find a nurse when the door swung open for a second time and a tall, thin woman wearing blue scrubs, a white doctors coat and a dark purple hijab entered.
She scanned down at her clipboard. "Mrs. Yeona Park?" She inquired. Mrs. Park nodded and stepped forward, away from her unconscious husband.
"We need you to fill in some paperwork regarding your husbands test results. Could I ask you to step outside with me and fill these out in reception?"
Mrs.Park nodded her head in agreement and turned to Sunny. She picked up Sunny's hand, held it tightly, and said something in hushed tones in Korean. Sunny turned to look awkwardly at Park who was standing off to the side, watching their interaction intently.
Satisfied, Mrs.Park left with the doctor, leaving the three of us and Park's father in silence. Park walked the length of the room, lifted his arm and gently placed his hand onto my shoulder.
"Kopter," he said calmly, looking up at me with those deep, dark eyes. I could still smell the scent of rain on his clothes and his hand felt cold on my shoulder. "I need some time alone with Sunny. Is that okay?"
"You don't have to explain," I said sincerely, lowering Park's hand off of my shoulder and squeezing it in my own.
I turned to leave and my hand reached for the door handle when I stopped in my tracks. I turned back, took off my dry jacket and draped it around Park's shoulders. I leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his forehead, "Call me when you need me, okay?"
He smiled weakly and nodded. I let myself have one last look at him before I turned and walked out the door.
Sunny
There was a pause after Kopter left when I didn't know what to do with myself. Park turned to face me and we stared at each other, neither of us moving, neither of us speaking. Everything was wrong, Dad lay unconscious, Mom was putting me in charge and I hadn't seen my own brother in months.
Park opened his mouth to speak but before he could, I pulled him into a rib cracking hug and overwhelmed with emotion, I began sobbing uncontrollably into his shoulder. I felt his arms rise around me and gently pat my back in comfort. I felt the shame rising in my chest as I cried. This was all my fault, I could've done so much more.
I could've fixed this.
"I've missed you so much," I wept, wiping my nose on his sleeve. It was a mark of how serious the situation was that he let me. "I've missed you too," he whispered. He didn't understand.
We sat back down in the empty room and I dabbed my eyes with a tissue from the bedside table.
"Where's Grace and Joy?" He asked abruptly, as if he'd just noticed how silent it was. "Mrs.Choi from next door are looking after them for the night," I explained while blowing my nose. "Her grandson is only a few months older so they're having a sleepover tonight. They don't know what's happened..."
I looked at him nervously, wondering if he too blamed me for my lack of action. He looked pale and still in shock, but I was relieved to see that unlike everyone else in the family, he had taken care of himself over the past few months.
Hesitantly, I asked. "What exactly happened, Park?"
He looked over at me. "He apologised," he said simply. "He apologised, and I yelled and then he apologised some more. And then, well then it looked like all was going to be okay and he just... Collapsed." He paused and what little colour was left in his cheeks drained out of them.
"I think I did this," he whispered to me fearfully and there were fresh tears welling in his eyes. "Sunny, I'm so sorry," he choked. "I think this is all my fault, everything. Sunny I'm so so sorry."
I took his face in both of my hands and tears were now readily falling down his cheeks, splashing into the fabric of Kopter's jacket. He looked like a little kid again. The exact same tearful eyes had stared into mine when he told me about the bullying he endured at school. Tears had been glistening on those cheeks the first time he had come out to me too and when he told me about how afraid he was of letting everyone down.
"Park," I locked eyes with him, "You are smart, you are kind, you might be a little magic cause I still can't honestly figure out how you got Kopter so whipped for you." He laughed a little at this and I continued, "But you are not responsible for everything bad that happens. This happened through no fault of your own and nobody else thinks you're responsible." Park glanced at the door and I read his mind, "Not even Mom," I added.
Park nodded causing a few more tears to fall from his eyes and onto his cheeks. I wiped them away with my already soaking wet sleeve and smiled.
"Park, I will never blame you for being yourself and no one else can. You're my brother, I love you." Park smiled at me through his tears.
"Park, I could've done so much more," I revealed, choking back tears as I spoke. "Park I should've been there for you but I wasn't and I could've prevented this from all happening and I just-"
Park squeezed my hand tightly and smiled causing the corners of his eyes to crinkle up. "I love you too."
I blinked back the tears that were now coming in hot and heavy. God, I hate being this emotional.
Just then, there was a noise from the bed behind us and we both leaped up and rushed towards Dad's bedside.
His eyes fluttered upon and he looked side to side, disorientated. Shakily, he lifted up his own, thin hand and placed it on top of Park's.
"Where am I?" He croaked, turning to me inquisitively. "You're in the hospital, Dad." I could hear my voice tremble as I spoke. "You fell."
He nodded, a slow look of recollection spread across his face.
Just then, the doors slid open behind us and Mom walked in looking exhausted. When she spotted that dad was awake, she rushed to his side, picked up his hand and rested it on her cheek which was now sparkling with fresh tears.
"My love," he whispered to her as the tears came flooding down her face. "I'm sorry for worrying you like this." Mom shook her head, as if to bat away his apologies.
For a third time, the door behind us opened and the same doctor as before stepped in. We all turned to face her expectantly as she cleared her throat. The entire room felt like it was holding its breath.
"We received the results from both of our tests," she stated, flipping through the notes on her clipboard. "The blood tests came back all okay, white blood cell count was a little lower than we'd like but everything else was in order."
"However," she continued gravely, "When we were analysing the scans we noticed a small showdown on the superior lobe of your left lung here." She held up a clear sheet of x-ray film to the light and circled a small, slightly lighter patch roughly the size of a penny with her index finger.
"This may be due to a build up of fluid in the lung or the early stages of a minor lung infection," she explained, "But I must warn you." She paused as if she was choosing her next words with the utmost care. I felt a pending sense of doom rising in my chest as she spoke her next words. "In conjunction with your low white blood cell count,"
"We cannot rule out the possibility of cancer."