Brad woke at about three in the morning, momentarily disoriented by his surroundings before he remembered where he was. He had been a light sleeper since his time in prison, and some sound had woken him but he wasn't sure what.
It could be anything, he thought. I'm not used to the noises here and this is an old house.
Since he was awake, he may as well head to the bathroom. He had chosen to sleep only in his own boxer briefs as none of Steve's pajama clothes fit. He wasn't concerned. He anticipated heading home the next day and he had definitely worn worse for longer.
He walked as quietly as he could to the door and carefully eased it open a crack. It didn't squeak. He saw no lights and heard nothing except Steve's steady, quiet snoring.
He tiptoed across to the bathroom door and put his hand out to open it. Before he could grab the knob, it pulled away from him, and the object consuming his every thought slammed right into his chest before he could even blink.
"Oooooh! Shit!", she quietly squealed as she rebounded backward, losing her balance and heading down. He reacted- putting his arms around her and hugging her against himself to steady her.
"Sorry, sorry", he whispered. "I woke up, didn't see a light, and didn't know anyone was up".
"It's okay", she whispered back, "you just scared me half to death". Her hands were pressed against his bare chest, and she was looking up at him, but he could barely see her face in the dark. He still had his arms all the way around her and his heart was pounding underneath her hands.
"Did I hurt you?", he whispered.
"No, I'm fine", she answered.
He was now painfully aware that she was pressed against his bare chest. It was mortifying and exhilarating, but either way she needed to move.
He slowly released her and stepped aside so she could squeeze past.
"Night", she whispered.
"Night".
He looked at himself in the mirror and shook his head at his reflection.
"Brad, you are in trouble like you've never been before", he told his reflection.
...........................................................................
My alarm was set for six but I woke up fifteen minutes before it went off. My first thought made my cheeks burn with embarrassment and I ground my head into the pillow. Gah!
Last night I ran smack into a nearly naked, incredibly attractive, appealingly solid man...and I scream, swear, and fall down. Classy. How classy. I could only hope he was half asleep when it happened. Though he didn't feel half asleep. He felt in control, confident. Like he could literally handle anything and probably has.
Why did he hold onto me for so long?, I wondered, feeling my cheeks blushing even though I was alone. In different circumstances I wouldn't have moved. I had never felt such an immediate and intense connection with someone before. However, I had been cheated on, and regardless of where my relationship with Steve was headed, I would not be comfortable crossing that line, no matter how much I connected with someone else.
I kicked off the blankets and headed downstairs, piling my hair up in a messy bun on top of my head as I went. Now started my morning routine. I made coffee and breakfast, threw it in the warmer, and headed back up to get myself ready. Breakfast usually took me between twenty and thirty minutes to prepare, and getting myself ready typically took about forty. I could do it faster if I really tried, but my hair often took twenty minutes by itself, and I liked to look as polished as possible for work.
I finished breakfast in regular time then started back up to my room.
"Morning, hun", Steve greeted me with a kiss of top of my head as he started down.
"Can you take the coffee that's ready and then start a new one?", I called after him.
"Yep", he assured me, already dressed in his security uniform and ready to go. I used a French press for coffee and I only made one cup at a time because I thought it tasted better that way.
"Hey, Paige, can you give me your opinion?", Brad poked his head out from his room.
"Of course".
He had on Steve's navy blue solid suit, which was too small for Steve across the shoulders so it never got worn. I was correct in thinking it would fit Brad nicely. He looked goooood in a suit. Not even awkward like men tend to do if they don't typically wear them. He seriously oozed confidence and coolness. I was unabashedly admiring. He held his arms out, questioning the choice.
"This fits great", I assured him. "You look really good. Really good". I scrutinized. "Only...let's add this belt"....I grabbed a light brown belt that coordinated with the shoes. "And let's grab a tie...". I had to run back to Steve's room for that. I brought back the box of ties and held up a couple different ones, finally deciding on a skinny brown patterned tie to go with the blue and white gingham shirt.
"You belong on G.Q.", I teased as I reached up and draped the tie around his neck.
I started in on a perfect Windsor knot as he held his head at that rigid awkward angle men always use when someone is tying their tie and they want to ensure they don't catch their face in there.
"I'm sorry again about last night", he started in quietly.
"I'm going to get mad if you apologize again", I said sternly, "so you need to stop. If anything, it was my fault. My hair was in my eyes and I was half asleep. I about plowed you over".
I stopped and looked up at him. We both laughed.
"No, you didn't", he said.
"No, I didn't", I agreed, still laughing.
Steve stuck his head in. "Say, hun, did you want me to make the next cup of coffee?"
"If you can handle pouring eight ounces of boiling water on top of a heaping scoop of grounds in the French press, then yes, Steve, that is exactly what I requested you do", I said with as much restraint as I could muster. I finished the knot and tightened it.
"Don't you remember how to tie those, Brad?", Steve asked.
Brad smiled at him. "I sure do", he replied.
Steve looked at me. "Yep", he said with a chuckle and moved on.
"Okay, you're complete", I told Brad, then started rattling off instructions. "There's boiling water downstairs if you want oatmeal. Otherwise there's bread and whatnot for toast, and I always make some eggs and meat for Steve, so there's scrambled eggs and ham in the warmer. I make the coffee one cup at a time, and Steve might mess it up, but I need to get ready. If you want to wait for me to make the coffee, I can help you when I come back down".
He purposefully took me by the shoulders and looked directly into my eyes in his calm way and said, "You need to breathe".
I raised my eyebrows. "I'm behind schedule now, let go". I tried to wriggle away but he had an amazing grip. Much stronger than he looked, I noted.
"You need to breathe", he repeated.
"Now?", I pleaded as I squirmed. "Come on, wasting time makes me angry".
"It's not a waste", he insisted. "The sooner you do it, the sooner you can go".
"Fine". I instantly stopped struggling and met his gaze with irritation.
"Shut your eyes", he instructed.
I did so as angrily as one could.
"Now take a deep breath into your belly and hold it for three seconds before releasing it".
I did so.
"Now, do that two more times", he instructed.
I did.
He spoke quietly and calmly. "You run around doing so much. All the time. For what? For whom? You're exhausting yourself unnecessarily. You've already done a half a day's work and you've been awake for half an hour".
"Can I open my eyes now?" I whispered.
"Yes, you can get ready n-".
He hadn't even finished the sentence and I was off like a shot the second he lifted his hands from my shoulders. Not that I didn't like the contact, because I guiltily did, but I do NOT like my schedule being disrupted. That was probably the only thing that I didn't like about Brad. Since he had arrived I'd been de-railed way too many times. He threw me off, caught me off guard, and called me out on my crap.
.............................................................................
I gave myself one final look over and winked at my reflection. I was trying to impress today, was totally aware of why, and had zero shame.
I headed downstairs, houndstooth pumps clicking on the old wood floors. I had on a dark burgundy-wine colored silk blouse- vneck, sleeveless, with a collar, which I folded over the top of my houndstooth suit jacket. It had three quarter length sleeves with the cuffs folded back showing black silk. I had black skinny-fit dress pants and my makeup was perfect, down to the last detail of lip color in the exact shade of my blouse, which was now conveniently tucked into my suit pocket so I could touch up later.
.............................................................................
Brad had finished eating a hearty breakfast and was sipping coffee, conversing lightly with Steve who was picking up around the kitchen and getting his lunch ready to go. Steve said he usually packed a lunch and ate in the breakroom with his coworkers while Paige either didn't eat, ate a granola bar, or went to 'working lunches' at restaurants.
"Paigie will tell ya when to eat, where, and how", Steve smirked at him. "Don't you worry about that. I guarantee she won't let ya starve. She'll probably have every single detail down for the entire day. She'd be in a panic if she didn't. She's a control freak".
Brad took this opportunity to ask if they had met at work.
"Not at work exactly but through work", Steve said, stopping what he was doing and meeting Brad's gaze with a troubled one. "Her ex was a real piece of work. Violent. Controlling. Powerful connections. Beat the shit out of her on a regular basis, if ya know what I mean".
Brad's eyebrows raised. Paige hadn't shared that detail. "She told me how he broke her arm and leg but that's about it", Brad said.
"Yeah, that he chucked her out of an airplane, right?"
Brad nodded.
"Her brother called me when it happened. 'Course he didn't know they were related yet but they had a connection. Sometimes you just know about people...anyway, he asked me to grab a coupl'a trustworthy guys, and myself if we were willin', to head to the hospital in the city asap. He didn't know if Jay was coming back to kill her or what. None of us did." Steve rubbed his forehead as if trying to erase the thoughts.
"I spent a week outside her hospital room until things got sorted and she could be moved to Andy's, then I followed her there. I think I loved her from the first time I saw her. It hurt my heart to see her like that. She was unconscious mosta the first coupl'a days, on pain meds so she didn't move around. But when she was awake she wanted to get up, go to the bathroom, shower...and they kept tellin' her no and she wouldn't listen", he chuckled.
"I knew she was a fighter. I didn't know she was pretty yet, either. Her face was swollen, bruised. Her hair was matted. Her entire body was bandages, casts and bruises."
Steve hesitated. "She only told you about her arm and her leg being injured from the fall?"
Brad nodded.
"Well, there was a lot more to it than that", he sighed.
Just then the topic of their conversation clicked into view and confidently met his gaze with her own. Brad's heart twisted uncomfortably inside his chest. He didn't know hearts could move like that. Maybe he was having a heart attack, he thought vaguely.
She was stunning. Head to toe perfection as far as he was concerned. The burgundy of her blouse made the emerald green in her hazel eyes pop, and it was a perfect shade to compliment her tanned skin. Every piece of fabric seemed to lay like it had been stitched specifically to highlight the contours of her curvy little body. Her long, dark, unruly hair was now pulled back into a low bun of smooth brown symmetry, not a stray curl anywhere. And she certainly hadn't had makeup on like this yesterday. Her perfect rosebud mouth was the exact same shade as her shirt. He was staring, and he knew it, but he couldn't look away.
She grabbed the cup out of his hands and inspected the contents. "Was your coffee okay? Do you want another?", she rattled off, looking up at him through long black eyelashes.
He gulped. "It was fine and I'm good", he replied, smiling.
"I know how to make coffee", Steve grumbled.
She ignored him and started making her own, turning the teakettle back on, and then emptied an oatmeal packet into a thermos.
"I'm going to be late tonight so Brad will ride home with you", she instructed Steve. "I'll show him where to find you. As soon as you guys get home, you need to put the meatloaf in the oven right away because it takes an hour to cook".
"Instructions are on the post-it?", Steve checked. Obviously he knew the drill.
"Yep, and there's mashed potatoes in there right next to it that can be heated in the microwave".
"Alright, I'm going to head out", Steve announced to them both, grabbing her bun playfully to pull her head to him so he could kiss her.
"My little librarian", he teased, and she squirmed away. Brad could tell she was furious but was working hard to restrain herself. Possibly for his benefit, he mused.
"Steven, do not TOUCH MY HAIR!", she fairly shouted at him, her voice raising an octave on every word.
He just laughed and left. She stomped off to the downstairs bathroom.
.............................................................................
That giant, idiotic OAF!, I thought to myself, so frustrated at his stupidity I was near tears.
It was okay. Not damaged, just loosened in one spot, easily fixable. I calmed myself as the teakettle started whistling and headed back to Brad.
"I swear I'm not typically so high maintenance about my hair. I mean, you saw it earlier....but I am particular about looking nice for work and it kills me that he knows that but chooses to mess it up anyway", I started explaining as I re-entered the kitchen.
I ventured a look at Brad. I don't know what I was exactly expecting. Amusement maybe, or like he thought I was ridiculous? How he actually looked was a little sympathetic.
"I'm actually impressed you didn't throat-punch him", he said, and I burst out laughing with my head thrown back.
"I really thought you were going to", he continued. "I'm a little disappointed you didn't. That showed incredible restraint", he smiled at me.
"Yeah", I laughed, pouring the water onto my coffee grounds and then my oatmeal.
"He seems to make you mad constantly", he continued quietly.
I sighed. "That's pretty accurate", I agreed. "He literally doesn't understand me at all, and when I try to explain myself, he doesn't listen".
I looked at Brad. He was listening. I had his complete attention. What a gift. I already appreciated that about him so much. It seemed like when I talked, he always listened, and he always understood.
"We need to leave in five minutes", I said.
"You can eat and leave within five minutes?", he asked, skeptically.
"Ah, no, I'm taking this to go", I grinned at him. "I'll eat as I'm driving".
I handed my coffee to Brad to hold as I locked the front door behind us and armed the security system through the app on my phone. We didn't really have valuables but Steve was a stickler.
I unhooked one of the keys from my cluster and handed it to him as we walked over to the garage. "I need you to drive my car in so I can return Andy's. You can drive a stick, right?" I assumed he could. Most men can, especially handy ones, and especially handy mechanics.
"Uh, yeah", he replied, pursing his lips and squinting at me with his head cocked to the side. "But why do you? I mean, with all your multitasking", he gestured at my armload of coffee, oatmeal, purse, phone, and briefcase. "Isn't it inefficient to have to manually shift while conducting business and eating?"
"Ha", I replied dryly. I opened the garage and watched his face. It did not disappoint. I started laughing so hard I almost cried! I drive a 1994 navy blue Ford Escort station wagon.
"Why?", he finally choked out in horror.
I could barely stop laughing enough to answer.
"Because I would rather spend my money on shoes than cars, because it's cheap and efficient on gas, and because I could pay for it outright rather than getting a loan. I was broke when I left Jay. I'm only the second owner. There's low miles and literally nothing wrong with it", I answered confidently.
"Can I drive the Audi instead?", he pleaded.
"Ah, no, sorry", I replied smugly. "It would take too long to explain to you where and how to park this. The way I planned it makes things simple. You just follow me to the front of the lot, park in space number five, and then jump in with me so I can return the Audi where it belongs".
"Yes, ma'am", he sighed, resigning himself to his fate.
.............................................................................
Brad found the little car actually very easy to drive. It felt like a go-cart to him, but other than that, she was spot-on from what he could tell. It didn't seem to have any issues at all and crazy low miles for how old it was. Impressive.
He watched Paige turn right down the first row and followed. She stopped a little ahead so he could slide into the assigned parking slot, then cringing, manually locked the driver's door and went around to the passenger side of the Audi.
"I'll be sending you the bill for my kneecaps", he joked as he folded himself into close quarters again.
He was rewarded with peals of laughter and eyes twinkling with delight. He loved hearing her laugh and found himself exerting an effort to be witty. He hadn't been witty in years. He hadn't been interested in making anyone laugh for longer. He couldn't recall the last time he even felt like laughing himself. He felt lighter around her, more like who he used to be before all the years of guilt, suffering, second guessing, bitterness, and regret.
"We're meeting with Andrew first", she filled him in as she navigated to the special locked parking garage. "This is where Andy keeps back up cars for whenever they might come in handy. Like when an employee couldn't get their car started and was late to pick up their children, or when a sister didn't trust her old lady car to make it to the cities and back in a timely fashion".
"I will take you to lunch today at one and you can meet me at my office at that time", she continued. "Between now and then, Andy is going to show you around and introduce you to people. Try to remember names and faces, that will serve you well later", she advised as she got the car in park and turned off.
She turned to him with an encouraging smile on those appealing lips and asked, "Are you ready?"
"You bet", he answered back, and he did feel ready. After all the crazy situations he had been in, a job interview and being shown around a new company would be a breeze. And to be honest, he would do about anything to squeeze in some more time with her.
As they breezed through the lobby and various hallways and elevators, he marveled at the impressive little woman by his side. Tiny but formidable. With heels on, the top of her head would barely graze his chin, and he remembered when he held her for that moment last night, her head was about level with his shoulders. He had never been attracted to small women before but the ones he knew had always been so timid. He had assumed the two features went hand in hand but clearly this was not the case.
Her heels made persistent, rapid clicks on the waxed floors, announcing her arrival to the various employees of Jansen Tech. She was carrying armloads of items, texting and checking emails on her phone, as she greeted passerby with various questions about their families, followed up on something they had recently done, or complimented someone's new jacket or haircut.
The people clearly adored her. Everyone greeted her warmly, responded genuinely, and felt comfortable enough to tease her about little things, too, like how fast she walked. This wasn't the way employees treated a boss, especially one they didn't like. He could tell she had built great rapport throughout the company and he admired her for it. As they walked, doors opened for her, elevators were held, and helpful comments were given to prepare her for the day ahead.
She was their beloved queen.
After everyone else had stepped off the elevator and they proceeded to the very top, she turned those stunning eyes up to him and said, "I really hope you like it here. I love it. Andy has instilled a great culture. He can be very eccentric...and even an ass", she smirked, "but he is loyal and generous, and takes very good care of the employees that work hard for him".
She really did look happy here, he thought, and she obviously takes a lot of pride in doing her work well.
"From what I just saw, I don't think Andy's the only one who helped build that culture. They clearly all respect and like you, and that doesn't happen by accident".
She brushed the compliment quickly aside saying, "Oh they're just great people. I've only been here two years. This is definitely not because of me".
The elevator doors opened to a reception area and Andy's motherly receptionist greeted Paige warmly.
"Well, hello, dear", she smiled at her as she held her hand over the mouthpiece on her headset. "You just head right in, and who is this handsome fella?", she winked at Brad.
"This is hopefully a new engineer", she said, "and his name is Brad Davis".
Brad paused to shake her hand. "Nice to meet you", he said charmingly.
"This is Brenda and she is literally the best", Paige complimented her. "No one gets to Andy without her permission, and she knows everything that happens in this building all day long".
"Oh, poo", she waved her off with a manicured hand, rings glittering.
"Seriously, if you ever leave, Andy will have to burn this place to the ground", Paige teased as they continued walking.
Brenda laughed and started clacking away at the keyboard while she was waiting on hold.
Andy was at his computer when they walked in, but popped up with a visible vitality that mirrored the restless motivation of his sister.
Brad was instantly taken by the physical resemblance, as well.
They must both look like their father then, he mused. Both were slim and athletic, but not overly muscular, had warm chestnut hair which Andy wore short and styled, both with tans just starting to fade from the summer, both with the same interesting eyes. Their eyes were intense, intelligent, simply dark at first glance, but upon investigation were mostly emerald green with tiny gold and golden brown flecks. Andy also had a closely clipped mustache and meticulously groomed goatee . Andy was a little shorter than Brad, and a little older, but still in the age niche where women of all ages found him appealing.
"There's my beautiful baby sister!"
Andy embraced Paige heartily and kissed her cheek, clearly embarrassing her, as she flushed.
Brad quietly smiled, noticing the discomfort, and felt some smug satisfaction that he felt like he knew the reason behind it. She seemed to want to have a professional demeanor at work, and that was definitely not professional.
"Hey, man", Andy extended his hand Brad's way. "Good to meet you. Glad to have you. I hope we can serve each other well here".
Andy spoke fast and thought faster. He was charming in a bold, assertive way. He was wearing a very expensive looking suit and shoes, but Brad noted grease under his nails and red paint stains on the back of his left hand.
After some brief conversation about what Brad had experience in and where his interests lied, the topic turned into more technical detail than Paige apparently had patience to sit through.
"Well, if you're settled in here", she interrupted, laying her hand on Brad's arm and looking up at him, "I'm going to dig into the pile waiting for me".
"Oh yeah, sweetheart. We're good here", Andy assured her, placing his hand on her back and steering her toward the door.
"Okay", she complied, looking over her shoulder at Brad. "Don't forget I have you for lunch. One o'clock".
"I wouldn't dare forget", Brad smiled back.
"Uh, I couldn't see how you would let him", Andy pressed, continuing to gently shove her out the door. "You're probably going to remind us another eight times between now and then anyway. Goodbye, love you, have a great morning", he rattled off as he pushed her all the way out the door and closed it in her face.
Brad was highly amused and actually laughed out loud. He could not imagine her tolerating this behavior from anyone, but with Andy she seemed resigned to it. Not like she necessarily enjoyed it but more like she expected it.
Truly siblings, he mused.
.............................................................................
Brad spent an intriguing morning with Andrew. He liked the company, the vision, the work that was being done. He felt motivated to start getting his brain working and his hands dirty. Andy also assured him that Paige had thoroughly filled him in with everything she knew about his life and he was okay with it.
"Paige is an excellent judge of character, except when it comes to her boyfriends", Andy told him as they briskly walked through the tech lab. "If she thinks you would be reliable, then you will be. I actually kinda admire you", he confessed. "I don't know if I'd have the balls for that kind of heroics. Don't commit a crime, but confess and serve the time for it anyway? Was this for a girl?"
Brad didn't even have time to decide how to respond before Andrew continued on like he didn't expect it.
"Ah, speaking of girls, you know why you're actually here right? Or are you not as perceptive as I think you are?" Andy stopped abruptly and turned to face Brad in close proximity, placing a firm hand on his shoulder.
Brad leveled with him. "If you mean because I'm supposed to console my estranged best friend as he picks up the pieces of his shattered heart in the very near future, then yes, I picked up on all that".
"Very good", Andy commented, patting that shoulder. "And I also want you to know that my precious baby sister is my only living relative, and one of only two people in this entire universe that I actually love. So, if you even think of hurting her in any way, or if you do it accidentally...if you cause her to get a paper cut, or even hurt her feelings, I will have you killed in the most painful and humiliating way possible".
Brad just stared, mildly stunned.
Andy quickly squeezed his shoulder a couple times and smiled menacingly. "What, you think I can't see you checking her out? Yeah, I noticed that. It's not your fault. She's charming. It affects everyone. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately- ah, for you, I mean- in this instance she seems to actually be interested back. So, that, my friend, means you need a warning".
Brad stared. She likes me too? was the only part which was resonating in his brain.
"Yeah, good talk", Andy said, patting his shoulder and continuing on. "Too bad I couldn't take care of Jay", he said over his shoulder as they started walking again, "but he has more connections than I do, and it would have been obvious I was behind it".
...........................................................................
At five to one, my intercom buzzed. I snatched it up as I was sorting my papers to get filed, shredded, or mailed on my way out to lunch.
"Paige speaking", I spoke into the phone.
"Yeah, hi, sweetheart. Uhhhh, I'm gonna need you to pop upstairs to get the B-Rad", Andy's casual demands met me.
"I'm going to have to pop on back to the eighties to find you is more like it", I retorted.
Andy was unphased. "Don't be jealous of my jokes. I know you wish you were as cool as me, but it's really just more hurtful than funny when you lash out like that".
I sighed. "Why do I need to come up there?"
"Well, because I'm looking at a To-Do list about a mile long and I can't walk B-Rad down right now. Plus, I'm not really sure, but I think he might be directionally challenged".
"Your computer isn't even on", I shot back.
He paused. I could hear him hitting the space bar so the screen would come back up. "Uh, yes it is", he said.
"I am not coming up there just so you can give me lunch money", I said, pinning down what I figured his motives were.
"This is a work related lunch. Let me pay."
"Absolutely not!", I challenged. "You already pay me a ridiculous amount of money to work here. I do not need lunch money!"
He was so infuriating. He would get his way eventually because I'd give in, but I wouldn't make it easy. It made me uncomfortable that he felt like he needed to make up to me for our dad not being there.
"Sweetheart....baby sister....you're breaking my heart here. I missed out on twenty-three years of your life and you can't let me pay for your lunch?"
"No."
"Okay, fine. It's no big deal. Brad said he wanted to pay anyway." I heard a little click from his end.
"Did you just give him your credit card???"
"Absolutely not".
I heard muffled laughter.
"Seriously, Andy. I will be right up", I finished and hung up on him.
...........................................................................
Brad enjoyed Andrew almost as much as his sister. He especially liked watching their interactions. Paige was much more laid back with him than with anyone else. It was obvious they loved, and were thankful for, each other. Brad guessed they had enjoyed finding a sibling they never had but always wanted, so they had quickly made up for lost time.
Paige entered a few minutes later with just her purse, looking slightly annoyed but ready to give in.
"Brad, give him back the credit card", she instructed.
"Only if you take the cash", was Andy's counter offer as he held out a hundred.
"This is too much", she protested, but she took it as Brad tossed the credit card back to Andy.
"So? Buy drinks. Get a bottle of wine to take home. Buy yourself a purse. I don't care. Just take it".
She rolled her eyes and tucked it in her suit pocket.
"Thank you, I love you", he said, giving her another giant hug.
"Love you too", she replied willingly and smiled resignedly at her older brother.
"Okay, bring her back safely", Andy said, pointing at Brad with both index fingers, arms outstretched. "Remember our little conversation", he added, winking at him with a completely straight face.
As they walked out of Andy's office, Paige looked up at him, questioningly. "Wait, what? What is he talking about now?"
"It's nothing", Brad assured her, opening the door and motioning her through with his hand on her back.
.............................................................................
"I really do adore Andy, you know", I confided to Brad at lunch. "Finding him is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. At the time when I needed him most, too", I mused. "So weird when things work out that way".
"Agreed", Brad answered me. "Like how you wait and pray for a miracle, but it takes so long that you figure things are always going to be this way. Then all of a sudden you see this miracle starting to unfold and you're like 'this is it, this is what I've been waiting for'".
I met his calm, blue gaze. He seemed to be watching me carefully.
"Yes", I said. "Exactly like that".
"I noticed you don't wear any rings", he mentioned casually. "I asked Steve if he had bought you one yet and he says you still need to take it in to get sized".
I could feel my blood starting to boil. "Is that what he said?!", I asked, fuming. "He never listens". I dropped my fork, no longer hungry. "I told him the diamond was too big and it didn't suit me.....not that the ring was too big and it didn't fit!"
"What the hell...", I moaned as I rubbed my temples.
"You don't like flashy things?", Brad asked.
"It depends", I said. "I'm okay with flashy if it fits my personality. I enjoy fashion trends, but I know Steve just went to the jewelry store and asked them what was popular and bought the first ring that was suggested. It's a gold band and I pretty much only wear silver. It's a giant teardrop-shaped diamond that is gaudy and unflattering and way too big for my finger. It's almost wider than my finger! I feel like a piece of jewelry that I intend to wear, and look at, every day for the rest of my life needs to be significant. It needs to suit me, not the trend of the year. I want to be satisfied with it for a lifetime, not for a few years or a decade".
"That sounds like my personal take on marriage in general", Brad said softly.
"Hmmm", I mused, getting stuck in his gaze again.
"Is that why you decided to leave Steve", he continued boldly, "because you can only see happiness for a few years rather than a lifetime?"
I admit it, he rattled me. I blushed and looked away. I should have known he would have guessed. He was perceptive and seemed to read people as well as I did, maybe better. I fidgeted with my napkin.
"Are you mad?", I asked, not looking at him.
"Actually, no", he replied, "but I do think you owe me some explaining".
"Yeah, okay", I sighed. "I do love Steve, but I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I knew the difference until it was too late. Or, I wasn't being honest with myself until it was too late, is maybe more like it".
"I've tried to tell him, but as you can see, what I say and what he hears are two different things. So, I have no choice but to up and leave because then he will have no choice but to listen, and maybe understand at that point. He really is the perfect guy, just not perfect for me".
I sighed. "In fact, his perfection makes me feel so inadequate all the time. Like I can't be myself because it's not what he expects from me. I'm definitely not perfect, and even though he's never been sanctimonious, I feel like I can't live according to his standards".
I glanced at Brad. He was listening, watching me, steady and unreadable.
"Why do you feel like you need to ensure he has me here to help him when you leave? Why are you putting that responsibility on yourself? You can't control how he deals with this or who helps him", Brad rationalized.
"I was hoping it would work, is all", I explained. "It would make me feel better leaving if I knew he had someone. Obviously you know he has no family. None of us do around here", I said wryly, meaning Steve, Brad, Andy, and myself. "You're the closest thing he's got, so I thought maybe I could do something good for him before I do something else bad".
"What else do you think you are guilty of?" Brad picked up on my unintentional lead-in to an uncomfortable topic.
"Oh, I don't know if I should talk about that", I hesitated, feeling my face starting to burn.
He waited like a chiseled statue.
I decided to tell him but first I gave him a disclaimer. "Fine, but if this makes you uncomfortable, that's on you. Secondly, you better never breathe a word of this to Steve, for all our sakes".
"You have my word", he replied, eyes never leaving mine.
"I've known Steve for going on three years. I finally started dating him close to two years ago. He was very devoted, very dependable, very flattering. He was such a change from Jay that I thought, maybe this is what I need. Maybe he's right for me and I should stop resisting and give him a chance".
I took a drink of water and cleared my throat. I kept looking at my glass.
"Steve didn't want to have sex until we got married", I dove in. "He really believes this is important, but I'm more of the 'try it before you buy it' belief. Not that I don't believe in God, but I don't know about all the rules. What I do believe is that marriage is about the most important decision I could ever make, and I want to get it right. I can't imagine being locked into a lifetime of bad sex", I concluded, blushing.
"Okay, that sounds terrible when I say it out loud", I laughed. "I know it's not the most important part but it is important". I chanced a glance at Brad. His expression hadn't changed.
"I agree with you", he simply said.
I felt the color in my cheeks subside a bit.
"What a relief", I said, genuinely relieved. "So this conversation went around and around for months. I wasn't anywhere near ready for marriage but he kept pushing it. Finally we compromised with- we would have sex if we were engaged". Again, I felt myself blushing.
This was hard. Andy was the only other person I had discussed it with, not even with his girlfriend, Kendra, though Andy had probably filled her in. She was the Director of PR and Marketing and had been working for him for ten years, dating him for seven. She seemed genuine, and we had enough similarities to get along, but because of my mother I tended to trust women less than men.
I fiddled with my napkin again.
"And?", Brad pushed.
"And it's terrible", I admitted. "Not from inexperience or anything, but it makes it painfully obvious that we don't connect on the level I expect. Everything has gone downhill from there".
"Then why did you move in?", he asked softly.
I was at a loss for words. "I really, truly don't know. I couldn't come up with a good enough reason not to, so I finally gave in and did it. I thought maybe my feelings would change, maybe I would connect with him more if we were around each other all the time, but it's done exactly the opposite. I actually can't stand being around him most of the time now and I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm so disappointed in myself".
I felt some tears of frustration start to well up and I fought them down. "I've always chosen the wrong guy. What if Steve is the right one and I'm too messed up to accept that? For all objective reasons, there isn't any reason why I shouldn't marry him except it doesn't feel right".
I looked at Brad and felt myself internally pleading for him to help me figure this out. I hadn't verbalized this particular fear before.
"What if my feelings are what's wrong? What if I want the Jays? My life has been such a mess that what if I am destined to continue to make wrong choices? I'm so good at seeing a clear path for others but I can't see my own".
Brad leaned forward and put one calm, warm, comforting hand on both of mine, which were picking the napkin to shreds.
"I think you are right about marriage and about how it should feel. To me it sounds like you talked yourself into relationships that weren't right for you. Your gut told you what was right and you ignored it. The important thing is, you're listening now. You don't strike me as someone to make the same mistake twice". He rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb.
"But even if this is right, poor Steve". My voice wavered as I thought of him. "I'm the trollop who stole his virginity and left him with his compromised morals".
I was being totally serious but Brad busted out laughing. "He's a man", he chuckled. "He will survive". He shook his head at me, still chuckling.
"What's with the separate bedrooms then?", he wondered, taking away his hand.
"That's really mostly about snoring, but also for lack of space. The bedrooms are tiny and he had plans for remodeling, but we hadn't gotten around to that...and now we won't", I finished.
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* Isn't Brad the best? Give him your vote and keep reading to see if he makes a move on Paige! *