Remus Lupin was officially no longer a part of my life.
With him, I'd given up on a happier tomorrow.
I honestly didn't care what happened to me. I stopped worrying about Brook because she was simply nothing more than a fern under my boot. I finally spoke to Jaylee, telling her to leave me alone. I continued to hang out with Wilton and we got along as best as ever, probably because I wasn't held down by any moral dilemmas or problems.
Connor... Well, after a while I wrote to my parents about him. They expressed their amazement at my efforts to find common ground with them, but nothing else. They didn't even mention the boy.
I saw Samuel Grifford again, over a month after our first meeting. He didn't improve my opinion of him, but I just came to terms with what kind of man he was. When I listened to him with one ear and released what he was saying with the other, his company was bearable.
Day by day, three months have passed. I didn't even notice them. But, truth be told, I didn't even care. I would go to class, study, spend time in the evening with Wilton's group or with Connor, and repeat it the next day. It's not like I shut myself up, stopped eating and cried on every occasion. I was leading a normal life, being an exemplary student and spending time with friends, I just couldn't find the last bit of pleasure in it all.
My parents were delighted. The daughter they knew came back.
I completely didn't know who I was anymore.
It was warm enough for me to sneak out of the castle after dark. I tried many times, but due to the tightened restrictions after the Black incident in the Gryffindor tower, I failed. One evening I just didn't come back to the castle, hiding in one of the greenhouses. After dark, however, some of the plants were so unbearable that I escaped from there.
I went where no teacher could spot me - to the dense grove separating the school walls from Whomping Willow. I sat down on the damp grass and leaned against the tree so I could see the stars.
I wasn't afraid to be there, alone, in the dark. Sirius Black could have come from behind me and cut my throat, for all I cared.
You know what was troubling me? The fact that I lived for nothing. My life made no sense to me, no value whatsoever. I did what I had to do, day in and day out, and that was it. There was not a single thing that I enjoyed. Well, except maybe Connor, who was sometimes a glimmer in the overpowering darkness.
I went back to square one. I did what my parents wanted and I didn't even oppose it anymore. Hell, Grifford could propose to me and I would just say "okay" and shrug.
What was the point of that? I was practically a prisoner of my body. As soon as I leave this school, I will become a puppet with no say in the matter, who lives from day to day only to wake up the next day. Was I able to spend the next fifty years like this?
I heard soft steps. I spun around, automatically reaching for my wand but it wasn't Black. It wasn't even human. A dog stood a few yards away from me, as startled as I was. Hagrid will be setting up a shelter soon, how many more mutts will be walking around here?
I returned to my previous position. Surprisingly, the dog stepped closer as if curious about me. I waved my hand at him. I didn't feel like having company.
What happens now? If I do marry Grifford, I can say goodbye to anything that wasn't a housewife's job. I'll be his mascot, something sparkling to show off with. I will spend my days in our big house, alone, waiting longingly for him returning from work. I will have to be a devoted, loving wife who lives only for her husband. What an artificial life.
I shivered, but it wasn't because of the temperature. It occurred to me that I would have to have children with this man. Everyone would expect this of me - my parents, his family, Grifford, our circle of false acquaintances... It would be awful. I couldn't imagine having children in this situation, with a man whom I had no positive feelings for, let alone love.
I hid my face in my hands. This was not how I imagined my life as I grew up. Everything was simpler at eleven. Back then my dream job was the gardener. In summer, I spent hours in our enormous garden, keeping company Merrlimo, the man who cared for it all. It was he who passed on his passion to me. I told myself that I would live in a wooden house in the middle of meadows, with a lovely yard full of flowers that I would watch at sunset.
Only a few years have passed and so much has changed.
A sharp whimper echoed deep in my throat. What was I doing with myself?
The black dog moved and I felt its weight on my feet. He lay down on them, possibly immediately transferring a million fleas to my legs, but that was the least of my worries at the time.
"Even you feel sorry for me." I grunted in a hoarse voice. I felt tears spring into my eyes and blinked them quickly. "It's pathetic. I'm so pathetic."
I wanted to be more than just a living puppet. I wanted to achieve more than just conceiving two children. I wanted... I wanted to be important to someone.
I spent a long time there, trousers wet from the grass and my left hand dirty with dog hair. I couldn't take it anymore and when I burst into tears the dog practically fell on top of me. I found comfort in his presence. I told him everything with the comfort of him not being able to judge me or use it all against me. I understood why so many people considered dogs their friends.
I just didn't know that he wasn't the only one listening to me.
"I knew it was too good to be true." I heard a voice behind me. I immediately got to my feet, accidentally throwing the dog off them. "I was wondering: how is it possible for someone like you to look at me that way? I was telling myself: she's lost and she has found a kindred spirit in me, or maybe she likes to chase the forbidden."
Remus stepped out of the shadows of the trees and I could see him all in the moonlight. How did he get here? How did he know where I was? He looked like he'd just woken up or didn't sleep at all. He wore sweatpants instead of trousers and draped his coat over a thin T-shirt. He was holding a roll of paper in his left hand but I doubted he would go for a night walk in that state to write poetry.
He looked like... a lot of things. His tone of voice and his upright posture made it clear: he was furious. But his eyes were full of pain that I couldn't blame him for. I had no idea how long he had been standing there or how much he had heard, but apparently quite a lot. He was certainly present at the time I was telling the dog about the Jaylee bet.
The dog who has vanished without a trace. I was left alone with Remus, stood frozen staring at him, eyes wide with fear. Fuck. It was a complete disaster.
"Could've expected this. I was fooled, stupid me." He kicked the trunk of the tree that I was leaning against only a minute ago. "Do you wish you had finished your work? What was holding you back? You'd say a word to Severus and he'd do the rest for you. He'd love to watch me get fired."
I've never seen him like this. I'd never heard him speak to anyone with such venom in his voice, I didn't know he was capable of it. He was the complete opposite of the sweet, good Remus I knew. But now it was absolutely justifiable.
"Remus, it's-" I started quietly, but he stopped me right away.
"It's not what I think? Is that what you wanted to say?" He sneered, then laughed dryly. "I just heard you. You confessed it to the dog, but not to me!"
He was right. He was absolutely right. I wasn't going to pretend or lie, say that what I said a moment ago wasn't true. This man has been through too much for me to disrespect him like that now.
I couldn't bear the sight of him. I felt so bad that it was me who did it. I wanted the best for him and instead I only hurt him. I deserved everything he was saying about me.
"Don't you want to say anything? Won't you try to defend yourself?"
"What's the point? Everything you said is true." My voice was on the verge of breaking down. "But it's also true that I stayed with you for you, not for that fucking bet."
"Sure." He frowned looking around. He couldn't look at me.
"I wasn't planning this, okay?!" I snapped, frustrated. "I was supposed to get you fired, but it seems things didn't go as expected! You know why?" I took a break even though I didn't expect any response from him or any interest in my explanations. "For the same reason I'm here! For the same fucking reason my life sucks because I can't spend it with you!"
I felt new hot tears on my cheeks. Merlin. I never expected to say something like that out loud. But if not now then when.
"I fucked up, I know I did." I said quieter now, feeling my head begin to throb. "I'm not asking you to forgive me because I don't expect you to. What I did is horrible and you didn't deserve it in the slightest. I just want you to know that what I feel about you is real, for whatever it's worth."
I looked at him intently, awaiting some kind of response, any reaction, anything but silence. Remus stared into the distance, his hands clenched into fists, his jaw tense. He tried to control himself, he tried to act like he always did. But how could he in a situation like this? I myself was about to have a mental meltdown.
"And what it is that you feel about me?"
I almost collapsed.
"W-what?" I stuttered.
He turned his head to me. His lips were pressed together in a thin line. "You heard me."
Words stuck in my throat. I tried to put them into a sentence, but each time they crumbled into ashes that tasted like gunpowder. I prayed someone would hand me a gun so that I could end my suffering.
"I think I fell in love with you, Remus Lupin."
He looked down at his shoes. Just like me, he wasn't prepared to hear this. He swallowed loudly and clutched his hair, then began to shake his head slowly. I realized that my hands were clenching so tightly that my joints ached.
I didn't know what was happening to me. I've never felt like that - I got to know a new type of pain that suffocated me from within. I didn't say anything else because I didn't believe there was anything that could make him feel better. Now he knew everything and it was up to him what to do with it.
Finally he looked up. His eyes were full of anguish. At the sight of this, I wanted to pierce my chest right through. He didn't say a word, just held my gaze for exactly six seconds, then took three steps back and disappeared into the darkness of the forest.
When I fell to the ground, I stayed there until the dawn, when Hagrid found me and carried my numb body back to the castle.