A
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do you remember me? or do you only remember what it felt like to be loved by me?
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I've bitten my lip several times already. I'm losing it. I'm officially going insane.
He hasn't texted or called since we kissed, he hasn't explained why he said sorry or why he ran off. I wouldn't be mad if he explained. I wouldn't have been. He told me about himself and I wouldn't have cared if it was because he was uncomfortable or anything.
It's important to communicate, it is.
But at least communicate completely, asshole.
Okay not an asshole, he's not an asshole.
"Alida," I look up from my phone. Charose's heels clicked on the floor loud enough to show everyone she was either coming up to me to please me or to make a fool out of me. "Do you finally have something?" Nope.
"I think I'll have something soon," I reply.
"I think isn't a good enough answer. You have to take this competition seriously."
Giving Crius jobs isn't enough to make up for your silence.
"I know. I'm almost done."
"For your sake, I hope so. You only have a month left."
Clearly, I'm not counting down the days myself.
"They'll be done by then."
She stands there for a minute, clearing her throat. I looked up from the sketches that were mediocre and were not being used in the competition. The ones I finalized were hanging in my storage office. They weren't bad, they would catch attention but they didn't speak to me. "Hm, have you seen Crius?"
"Why would I have seen Crius?" She doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as him.
"You're friends, aren't you?"
"Right. Friends."
Friends who kiss. Friends who like to feel each other's bodies warmth. Friends who are too close to be friends.
"Let me know when he comes, will you?" She turns around. I work for her, I work for this miserable woman. Shame, it's what I'm filled with.
"I'm not your assistant right now," I mustered up the courage.
She laughed, amused. "You're my assistant all the time."
"You should've thought about that when you told me to join Sarnai."
She turned around. There was misery in her eyes, and I swear I think a little pride or fear passed her eyes. As it should, I was quiet but I wasn't silent.
"I- okay." Mouth agape, she walked away.
Hemera walked in right after. "She even looks like a witch."
I laughed. There are times when Hemera and I don't seem to see eye to eye. We don't click but she's my best friend and she feels like home. Right now, it was exactly what I needed. "Hey, when did you come in?"
"Just now, we're finally having a meeting after two months. This is a good sign, I knew you could do this." Leave her to lift my mood.
"While I still have doubts with myself, I'm sort of more confident than I was in the beginning."
"Good, I'm glad. Also, how was your date with Sorin?" She grabbed a seat in the open lounge. I was really hoping we wouldn't have to talk about this. Sighing, I close the book.
"It was... good."
"Uh oh."
"No, no it was good. It just wasn't, um, what I expected."
She sat up straight, eyes widening. "And something happened with someone else."
"What happened?"
I bit my lip. I should tell her, she's my best friend. She'll understand and she'll know what to say. "I kiss-"
"Good morning, people." Mara tied her hair up, or well whatever she could tie up. There were jasmines stuck to her hair.
"Hey."
Panic, panic, panic.
Leave room? No, that would be too obvious.
Avoid the situation and die? Sounds ideal, but too extra.
I look at Hemera, pleading with my eyes. Come on, do your telepathic bestie connection and read my mind! She gave me a weird look, mouthing what's wrong with you? I sighed, this was useless.
He looked so good, so good. His hair was curled, all mussed and good. Running my hands through his hair was heaven. His soft sighs. His rough grip on my hip. His lips-
"Sorin didn't come with you guys?" Hemera said. The two took a seat on another set of lounge chairs.
"He had to stop by somewhere," Mara smiled at me when she caught me looking at her. Only to avoid looking at Crius. It should not be allowed to look as good as him. There was something lighter about him, but the air was heavy and thick. Tension simmered between us, sexual? I had no fucking clue, but it was something. I know Mara felt it and by the looks I was getting from Hemera, she felt it too.
"What's today's meeting for, Alida?" His voice, hell, his voice. The silky smooth sound of it, deep and luscious, so sexy. I want to kiss him again.
"Alida?" I snapped out of my thoughts.
Mara looked back and forth between Crius and I. He was looking at his shoes, which apparently were more interesting than me.
"You're glaring at Crius like he stole something of yours." Yeah, he stole my thoughts, every single sense of logic I had.
"Huh? Sorry. I was thinking about something." I cleared my throat. Concentrate, girl. We don't have time for daydreaming and crushing on very hot and attractive men. I can do that later, when we're all alone and I can feel him against me.
No, no. It's not gonna happen again. I don't allow it.
But you want it. "I wanted to take everyone's measurements."
"Ah, that's why you called us." Hemera stood up, walking towards where I was seated. The table was filled with mess. The measuring tape sat atop it all.
"You know, you could've texted us? My measurements are probably sitting around somewhere" Mara said, her smile attached to her face. But the smile said things I didn't want to hear. Did she know?
Her smile widened. She fucking knew.
I looked away. "I want to be as accurate as possible."
It was Hemera who spoke. "Should we stand in a line or what?"
I shook my head. "No, I'll call you one by one. Starting with you."
She sighed, "Yay."
I led her to the small curtain that covered us from the world. She took her cardigan off, placing it on a wall hanger. "What did you need to tell me?" I began with her arms, it was easier to have a conversation.
"I kissed Crius," I said. Distractedly, I wrote down the measurements of her left arm. "Actually, we kissed each other. I don't know who made the first move," I continued.
"You kissed Crius?!" She exclaimed.
My eyes widened, what was she so loud for? I clamped my hand over her mouth. "Shut up!"
"Well, it's not like he doesn't know you guys kissed."
I moved onto her waist and looked up, giving her the are you serious? look because she sucked in her tummy. She let it out. I sighed, "The thing is, he left right after."
l"What do you mean? He left right after you did the dirty?"
We didn't even get close to doing the dirty.
"No, he pushed me away midway into the kiss and left."
"Left? Like out the door?"
Narrowing my eyes, "No, out the window." I said. Her eyebrows pulled in together. Oh my, she actually believes me. "Of course the door."
She slowly nodded, "Did he say anything?"
"He kept apologizing but that was it."
"Maybe he remembered needing to do something."
"What could he possibly remember while kissing?"
She shrugged. "All I know is that he likes you and you like him."
"I don't like him," I feign ignorance.
Of course you like him, who wouldn't after a dreamy kiss like that.
"You're saying this even after you kissed him? Denial at its best."
"I'm not denying anything. It's the truth."
"Denial isn't honesty." She shook her head, pulling her cardigan back on. It was kind of cold here today. Someone must have turned the AC up. "Describe the kiss."
"I'm not describing the kiss to you," a soft smile played on my lips.
"Describe how you felt, then." She pouted, waiting for me to give her details.
Felt. I felt like I was flying. I was on the moon, away from the world. It was like every missing piece of my heart was put back in place.
I have never been kissed like that and I only ever want to be kissed like that from now on.
"So you can keep telling me I'm in denial? I don't think so." I shook my head, not from her words but from my own thoughts.
I wrote down the measurements of her waist and moved down to her thighs.
"You're no fun," she replied.
"Crius is my friend," I said.
"You're glaring at him." Just because I was looking at him through the small space in the curtain does not mean I was glaring, I was looking... very intensely.
"Shut up," I pinched her thigh and she yelped. Now, she was the one glaring at me. "'Kay, you're done."
She makes kissy faces at me, and I stick my tongue out at her.
She's so immature.
I pull the curtains, the bright light straining my eyes. "Mara! You're up." The tall model gets up, jolly and smiling. She walked with such elegance and prestige but deep down there was a kid that was running in the wild.
"You seemed very into whatever it was you and Hemera were talking about." She said, pulling back the curtains and hiding us from the view. The gap was still there, so I could see him. He was on his phone, one leg crossed over the other. Just then, he looked up and I looked away, feeling my cheeks heat up.
"It was nothing, just simple conversation." She must have seen us through the gap.
Stupid gap.
"Heard you kissed Crius."
I stilled in the process of writing down her name on the paper. "Is this really what you want to talk about?" Playing it off cool was my mojo, and hopefully she'd let it go.
"Yes." Okay, she won't let it go.
"I don't want to talk about it." I started off the same way as I did with Hemera. The arms.
"Well, you have to. Crius hasn't kissed anyone in, what seems like years, and he kissed you—actually he let you your lips touch his."
This caught my attention.
Girls must throw themselves at him, how has never kissed anyone in that long? Maybe Mara was exaggerating. She was good at that.
"That is what you call kissing," I clarified. Clearing my throat, I looked at her. She took deep breaths, repeatedly. "I was his first kiss after a while?"
She stayed silent, okay maybe our conversation is over. I continue with the measuring. . "You're the first girl he's ever kissed," she said quietly.
I paused for a second. "So he—oh! I see."
He has kissed guys.
That's cool, I think?
Is that why he ran away?
Because he's gay?
"Yeah, between you and me, it wasn't consensual. So consider what you guys did, a first for him," she looked angry. Hemera looked like she wanted to choke or stab the person that kissed Crius.
Someone kissed him without his consent? Yep, I had the urge to stab or choke whoever this man was.
Before I could lose my composure and force Mara to tell me, I spoke. "He ran away midway."
"He's a runner, he's gonna do it again." Running away was normal for him. Okay?
"But he... he told me things." I didn't know if Crius would be okay with me talking to her about it. But considering how she knew we kissed, he told her everything.
"He told you?" She looked shocked, as if she couldn't believe it.
"Not everything, just the surface of things."
"He never talks about it." She raised her hand, twirling a strand of her hair that slipped out of the bun. "But I'm glad he did, with you."
I felt warm.
"I'm scared," I admitted.
"Of what?"
"Getting involved with him."
"I'm sorry?" She grabbed my arm, stilling my movements. I looked at her and sighed.
"He's my friend and I like our relationship like that. I'm just scared that the kiss ruined everything."
"It does if you aren't talking to him."
"I am talking to him!" I exclaimed, but it sounded all girly and whiny.
"Girl, you're giving him death stares."
"Oh, you have to be kidding me!"
I was looking at him, politely. My eyes aren't daggers that'll kill him if they stare too intently.
"Talk to him or else he's gonna continue running the opposite direction." She let go of my hand, "You're scared, I get it. But he's terrified."
"All of this seems so unreal," I replied. "Yesterday, I liked Sorin. Today, I can't stop thinking about Crius."
"That's how life works, Alida. One minute everything's like everyday and then suddenly it's yesterday but not the day you lived." She took the measuring tape from my hands, "Feelings change, people change. Time has nothing to do with it."
"I don't want to hurt him," I confessed.
"I don't want you to hurt him, either. But hurting someone, getting hurt, it's how we grow."
"Growth isn't meant to hurt."
She twirled the measuring tape around her fingers. "You're right, but you're supposed to feel it. Growth isn't pain but it's an inexplicable feeling. It can feel like love, hate, pain, disappointment, happiness, or everything rolled up into one." She explained in a soft way. "Words never only have one meaning."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I could mean a lot of things, don't you think?"
"A question answered with a question, I hate you."
"Love you, too. Should I call him over?" She handed me the tape, smiling when she pulled back the curtains.
"Sorin's here, I noticed him talking to Crius. "I'll do him first."
She looked back at me, "You're still gonna have to deal with Crius, you know?"
I lightly pushed her. "Yes, I know. Thank you very much, you can leave now."
Ever so quietly, she began singing. "Alida and Crius sitting on-"
"Shoo!" This time, I pushed her roughly.
I walked out, grabbing my phone. There was a message from someone but I chose to ignore it. "Sorin, you're up."
Crius and Sorin both looked at me.
I was entranced by the grey eyes.
Not the brown ones.
"Uh, what's happening?" He hesitantly got up.
I breathlessly laughed, "I'm not gonna hurt you, I need to take your measurements."
"Oh for the thing."
"Yes, for the thing."
We walked back and I could feel Crius's eyes digging into my back. Unsaid words hung between us, waiting to be said and waiting to be heard.
One last look at him, I regretted it because his eyes looked so sad.
I shut the curtains.
"I wanted to apologize about yesterday. I know I asked you out on a date, I didn't even have my wallet. What kind of guy doesn't have a wallet? I was so embarrassed."
I began measuring his arms, not wanting to waste any more time talking.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. He was like every other guy I've been on a date with. Except none of them forgot their wallets. "You, apparently."
"What was that?" I looked at him with a tight-lipped smile. "It's okay. This stuff happens."
"See, I knew you'd get it.:
He used his hands for expressions which was making this very hard to do.
"Mhm, can you stop moving please?"
"Right, right. My bad." He clicked his tongue, repeatedly. It was annoying. "Crius and the guys wanted to hang out so I was with them right after."
Crius and him? I was with Crius yesterday.
He was not with Sorin.
"You guys have fun?" Keep playing the game, see what he says.
More lies?
"Lots of fun, thanks for asking," he smiled brightly. Rather than warmth, I felt cold, His smile seemed forced, too fake.
"When did Crius leave?" He never left, he was with me. With me. Kissing.
"Uh, he and I left home together. I crashed over at his place." Lies.
"Interesting," I whispered.
"Huh?"
"Nothing, you're all done." Thankfully.
He talks too much, he's so obnoxious and loud. How did I ever like him?
"Do you think I can see some of your designs before you show everyone else, just cause you and I are closer?" He suddenly asked.
"That would be unfair, don't you think?" I didn't want to show any of them until later, but I guess I could show them today. It'd be fair, since they would head into the runway knowing what I had for them.
"No one has to know, come on!" His annoying whine and loud baby voice was bothersome so I had no choice but to agree.
"Sure, I guess. They're not that great, but just head over to the storage room near the north stairs. They're hung up on the wall."
"'Kay, I'll be back." He left the little place, the curtains still shut.
It was his turn.
I had to call him
He entered.
Nevermind, I guess I don't have to call him.
"Crius?" I sounded breathless and felt hot all over.
Pull yourself together, you horny bitch.
"Hi," he whispered.
"Hi," I whispered back.
"How are you?" He was too big for this small space, one move and he would be touching me.
"Good, good. You?" I scribbled his name on the paper, refusing to look at him.
"Fine, good, great," he replied.
"Good."
"Great."
The silence carried on. I grabbed the tape from around my neck and moved to his arms.
He was so tall, I felt like I was drowning next to him.
But I felt so safe.
"We don't have to talk about-"
"We should talk about-"
We started at the same time. Our eyes locked, the grey so pronounced, I took a step back and averted my eyes.
I cleared my throat. "You want to?"
He shook his head, "We don't have to."
"But you want to," I clarified.
"It's fine, I don't."
"I do."
I felt his eyes on me as I moved to his other arm. I can feel the warmth of him. I remember touching his arms, his strong back.
His back, I wonder if it's okay.
"You do? But you said you didn't," he said.
"No, I was saying... Let's talk about it."
"It was a kiss."
As if that wasn't obvious.
"We kissed. People kiss, mature people kiss." I swallowed the dryness in my throat, writing down numbers.
"Immature people kiss too," he said.
I looked back at him, narrowed eyes and whatnot. "Are you calling us immature?"
His eyes widened. "No, no. Just stating, you know, teens kiss too."
I nodded, slowly. "Cool."
"Yep."
I moved towards his waist, slowly and softly.
"You ran away," I whispered.
The anger was disappearing.
"I'm sorry about that." He sounded sorry and sad, and embarrassed.
"Are you going to tell me why?"
I looked at him, with my arms wrapped around him. I was barely touching him but it felt like we were stuck together.
He looked down and briefly closed his eyes.
I sighed, "I guess not." Pulling away, he grabbed my arm.
"Look, I want to." I would've continued to pull away if it weren't for the desperation in his eyes pulling me back. "But I'm not ready to talk about it."
"Does Mara know about this?" I didn't break eye contact, watching his every movement.
"She knows a little bit, not the details."
"You don't have to tell me, if you're not comfortable with it."
"I'll tell you one day."
"You ran away because of this something?" I asked, moving down to measure his legs.
"Yeah."
"Okay," I was on my knees in front of him.
"It was just a kiss anyways, right? We're still friends." He said, distractedly.
"Friends," I looked up.
Big mistake.
Big fucking mistake.
His eyes were dark and looking down at me.
I clenched my thighs together.
"Yep, friends." His tongue licked his bottom lip.
I held back a groan. "We're just friends."
"Only friends," there was amusement in his tone.
It bothered me. It pissed me off.
What did he want from me?
"Friends who kiss," I stood up.
The light from his eyes disappeared. "Alida-"
"We're done here," I stepped out with the papers in my hand.
"Done?" Hemera walked up to me with water. I could've kissed her there and then. My throat was sore and dry. There was a lump in there that had nothing to do with dehydration.
"Do you guys want to see the designs?" I asked all of them, only looking at Mara and Hemera.
"You have something?" The both of them looked at me with excitement.
"It's nothing special, some are old but I don't think I'm gonna have any sudden inspiration and Sarnai is in a couple of weeks."
"I can't believe two months have passed so quickly," Mara said.
Hemera continued, "Same. It seems like yesterday you were discouraging yourself."
"I'm confident I won't win but at least I'm not dropping out," I admitted.
Hemera hugged me. "I'm proud of you."
"We're proud of you."
"I haven't done anything yet," I blushed. I wasn't used to compliments.
"You've done a lot," Crius's deep voice sent shivers through my body. It was all serious and warm and had me-
"Where'd Sorin go?" Hemera asked.
"He..." I looked around, it's been a while. He doesn't seem like the type of person to care too much about what he wears. "He should be back. Give me a sec."
I walked out into the long hallway.
The door to the storage was open, no one ever left it open.
So I know the only person who went in there was Sorin.
"Sorin?" I called out his name.
It was dark inside. "Everyone's waiting for you..." I turned on the light and froze.
"My designs," I whispered. I fell to my knees, staring at an empty wall.
"Alida?" Crius walked in, instantly by my side.
"He took..." I started. "He took my designs," I pointed at the wall.
"Hey-" I felt the hot touch of his hand on my shoulder.
It was distracting me.
He distracted me.
"Don't. Don't touch me." I got up, walking back out.
I saw red.
Red, red, red.
Anger burned on the inside.
When I entered the lounge, I started placing my stuff in my bag.
"What happened?" Mara came to stand beside me.
"Sorin took her designs," Crius said for me.
I closed my eyes.
He took my designs.
I trusted him and he took them.
He was... he was working for her, wasn't he?
"What the fuck?" Hemera's voice rose.
"I need to go." I need to talk to her, she can't do this to me. She can't use people in my life to ruin me.
"I'll come with you," Hemera rushed to my side with her own bag.
"No," I weakly said. I took a deep breath, "No, I'm fine. I'll text you guys later."
And I left.