A
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And sometimes when I think of you, I panic because I know my thoughts are from the heart.
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"Oh you have got to be kidding me?!"
Every single design was shit. Absolute shit. Nothing I ever drew was good, why? No fucking clue.
It shouldn't be that hard to draw an outfit. Well I mean, it's not hard. It's time consuming, hypnotic when you get into it, but not hard.
It's exhausting.
Because I have nothing.
Okay well I do have something, I just don't like it that much.
All of the designs I've scribbled other than those have been nothing—disgusting.
I shut the sketchbook. One more look into it and I might throw a fit, and it won't be pretty.
I had hope, though. Sorin asked me out, I should be excited—I am excited.
But I'm more frustrated than excited because of the clothes, because I can't design anything that's remotely good.
Because of... Because, well, I don't know. I really don't know why my brain is being so useless. Mom sketches designs easily, Dad used to be able to plant flowers with finesse.
I can't do either of those things, kind of surprised I'm even their daughter.
Well, I'm more my father's daughter than my Mom's but still.
"I'm beginning to think you actually like smelling bad."
I frowned, "Hey, can't blame me for wanting to make you look pretty on the runway."
Hemera smiled, plopping herself on my bed. "And I love you for that, I do, but I'm not joking. You stink, when's the last time you showered?"
"Is it bad if I say I don't remember?"
She moved herself slightly away from me.
"Okay, gross."
The sketchbook was now placed in my drawer so I wouldn't have to look at it. If I kept it out longer, Hemera would've pressured me into showing what I drew. Which again, was absolute shit. "I'm kidding. I went on a run and came straight here. I have a date tonight."
My eyes stuck onto a piece of thread hanging out of my shirt. Her gaze burnt holes into my skin and I was acting like I couldn't see it.
"A date?" She cautiously asked.
I nodded my head, conspicuously.
She moved closer to me, invading my personal bubble.
"Crius?!" She exclaimed.
"Crius?" What about Crius? Date? A date with Crius? Huh.
"Crius." She said nothing else, staring at me intently as if there was some hidden secret.
"I wish," I mumbled.
"Huh?"
"What?" The amused expression on her face wasn't sitting right with me.
"You want to go on a date with Crius but it isn't Crius, but you don't talk to any other guy... Oh hold up! Sorin?"
I got off the bed, pacing back and forth. "I don't want to date Crius, I mean it would be cool and very hot because he's hot but that doesn't mean I'd date him, does it? No, no. It doesn't—"
"Sorin. I'm talking about Sorin right now." No, we were talking about Crius.
"Sorin?"
She smirked, "Date with one guy but mind on another? Trouble in paradise, love?"
Between Crius and Sorin? There can't be. I've liked Sorin for a while now, and I was going to continue to like him. But Crius... For some reason, my mind keeps wandering back to him. I thought about him last night, I haven't told Hemera because I know what she would say. "No, yes? I don't know."
She took my hand and pulled me towards her on the bed. I laid my head on her shoulder and sighed.
"Talk to me," she said.
"None of this makes sense to me, it should but it doesn't."
"Speak child, let me lift some weight off your shoulders."
"I like Sorin," I stated.
"Yes, well, that's obvious."
"But I keep thinking about Crius."
"Also, very obvious."
"Sorin is, well, he's good. I think. He's attractive."
"Yes, very attractive. Continue," she toyed with my fingers.
"But Crius... He... He gets me. I think about his eyes and how they look at me, his smile and how he smiles at me, his touch and how he touches me—"
She pushed me off her, bewildered. "Touch?! Now hold on a second, we went from zero to a hundred real quick."
I pulled at my ears. I guess I forgot to tell her that small detail. "Oh we did a photoshoot together, Mara took us and it was cool and because of that I can't stop thinking about him."
Her mouth agape, "Photoshoot with Crius? Holy hell, girl. Even I wouldn't stop thinking about him, but continue."
"The way he listens to me, the way he is, he just... it's like every bit of him, every tiny breath is being spent on me and he doesn't regret it."
"Alida..." Her expression turned somber, serious.
"I like him as a friend, right?" I bit my lip. It can't be anything else, I won't allow it to be anything else.
"I like him." My gaze trapped with hers, the silence carried on.
"Who do you like?"
"Crius." She looked down.
"What?" She can't like him. She can't like him. She can't like him. This is all one big joke.
She's joking.
"Yep, I like him." She was biting her lip and avoiding eye contact with me.
Oh shit, she's not joking.
"You can't like him," I said.
"Why?" She looked up, water in her eyes.
"Because, because you can't."
"But I like him, you can't stop the way I feel."
"You don't deserve... He doesn't deserve you." You're playing this perfectly, Alida.
She bursted out laughing, "I don't deserve him, huh?"
My eyes followed her as she moved back and forth on the bed, being in hysterics. "Why are you laughing? This isn't funny, nothing's funny. This is serious, Hemera."
She stopped laughing, but there was still amusement in her eyes. "Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"You're getting ready for a date with another guy while you're thinking about someone else? Are you serious?" So she doesn't like Crius. This woman needs to be in a movie, that acting was priceless, and annoying.
"I'm not thinking about anyone," my glare ended up on the floor.
"Alida," she lifted my face to look at her."
"Hemera," I whined.
"You like Crius."
"No, I don't." Suddenly, I found the thread on my shirt more entertaining than her.
"Deny it all you want, but deep down you know you like him. It's so obvious."
"Nothing is obvious. I don't like anyone but Sorin."
She rolled her eyes. "What is it about Sorin that you like, anyways? That is, if you like him."
"I do like him. Remember when I first came to the city, I'd always be pissed off and terribly sad?" She forced me to lay my head back on her shoulder.
"Yes, it was a terrible combination and I couldn't get through you, what about then?"
"I found that cafe, the one he works at. He'd play this one song whenever I was there, and for some reason it always soothed me."
"You liked him because he comforted you without knowing he comforted you?"
"I realized it was him afterwards, he flashed me this... smile and I was whipped."
"He didn't remember your name," I bet she was narrowing her eyes at the memory. I turned my head to look at her and yep, she was narrowing her eyes.
"A common mistake," I shrugged.
"It's not hard to forget your name."
"It sort of bothers me now, but whatever."
"You like Crius, Alida. Don't you think you're gonna be leading Sorin on?"
"No, I won't. I'm not. I like him."
"Crius?" She asked.
"Yes... No, I mean no. I like Sorin." I said, absentmindedly. Maybe I did like Crius, it would make sense. Close proximity can do that to people.
"Mhm, maybe if you keep telling yourself that it'll come true."
"You're such a bitch," I grabbed the pillow closest to me and slammed it on her face.
"One of us has to be," she gave me a sloppy kiss on my cheek which I wiped away immediately.
"Okay, now get me ready. I have to be there in like thirty minutes."
"How the fuck am I supposed to get you ready in thirty minutes?"
"I'm sure you can do it."
"Yes, well I am perfect at everything, aren't I?" She flipped her hair.
I shook my head. This room is too small for her ego.
"I'll agree for now."
She pinched my arm.
"Ouch, what was that for?"
"For being stupid."
"I'm not being stupid," I rubbed the place she pinched me.
"I'm honestly convinced you don't have a brain," she walked over to my clothes stand and grabbed my towel.
"Hm, you're probably right, because if I did, I wouldn't be friends with you."
She threw the towel, roughly, my way.
"Seriously?!"
"You deserved it," a sweet smile appeared on her lips. "Now go shower."
With an ache in my legs and my heart, I left the room with an uncomfortable thought lingering in my head.
I'm overexaggerating, so is Hemera. There is no way I like Crius. He's a friend, sometimes, sometimes we feel things for our friends that mean nothing. This is just like those times.
...
"You look beautiful." Two strands of my short hair were braided and pinned back. The outfit was Hemeras, one I made for her when we first met. A black blazer with sleeves cinched at the wrist, pearls were sewed around. Underneath it was a V-neck crop top with two cuts facing upwards near the rib area, but I buttoned the blazer from the middle so no one would see my skin.
The makeup was on another level of amazing. Hemera added gold to my lids, something I've never done. Having monolids wasn't the best for makeup, but she made it work. In fact, she made everything look good. The mix of brown, gold, and silver glitter added a seductive and an empowering aura to my look. The lips were a heavenly dark red, something that terrifies the shit out of me, but I looked so hot, it didn't matter that I was scared of it.
"Thanks, Hemera helped."
"She does have great taste in clothes."
They were technically my clothes but I didn't correct him.
Just like you never correct your name. Looking at him, I feel a bit overdressed. He wore a plain white t-shirt, which was a nice contrast against his dark brown skin. His hair didn't look brushed, but one would assume it was the "messy" hairdo.
"I have something cool planned for us today," he said like it was the most exciting thing ever.
"Cool?" It sounds ominous.
"Well, it's one of my favourite places to eat." "Oh, cool!" Eating is pretty cool, someone from somewhere would say.
He grabbed my hand, it didn't feel the same as before. They were cold, extremely cold. I flinched but he didn't notice, or he acted like he didn't notice. Kind of wish he asked to hold my hand, this feels weird. "Nice, right?"
Our walk ended in front of an extremely fancy restaurant. It looks nice, but I don't enjoy eating in places like this.
"Yeah, totally. I could see why you like it so much." I really couldn't understand why he liked eating in places like this.
We stood in a small line. "I come here once in a while, cause you know?"
"Cause I know... ?"
His expression was on the edge of annoyed and impatient. "Okay well maybe you don't know, but because of money."
"Oh."
We were guided to a reserved area. How did he pay for this if he had money problems? I'm gonna choose to ignore it, he set this up for us. I should appreciate it.
"Hey, man. What's up?" He turned to look at a tall man. His blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail and his dark brown eyes were kind as they met mine. He had vitiligo. My dad had that type of skin too.
"Oh shit, you're on a date. Hi, I'm Matthew, your waiter for today." He ignored Sorin completely.
"And one of mine and Crius' pals."
Matthew pulled out the chair for me. He closed his eyes for a brief second and then tensely smiled at Sorin.
I cleared my throat. "Must be tiring to work here."
Matthew sighed, "It is-"
"It's more tiring at the cafe."
"What a dick," Matthew whispered under his breath. He placed the menus in front of us. "Did you say something?" Sorin asked him, clearly not hearing his comment.
"Nope, talking to myself. I'll be with you guys in a minute, look through." He offered me one more smile before walking away.
"So, how long have you known Matthew?" I asked Sorin.
"Long enough not to like him, he and Crius were friends before I met Crius."
"I swear he had a crush on Crius then, he never left his side."
"When was this?" Curiosity was getting the best of me. I'm wondering, though. Was it possibly when Crius lost his Dad?
"I think it was when Crius's Dad died or something, I don't know, who even cares." For someone who's meant to be a friend of Crius's, he doesn't seem to care all that much about him.
"Right, what do you do when you're not working at the cafe?"
"Partying? I guess. I'm glad you offered to model for you, it's really good money." "Money?" There wasn't any money for this. "Shit, what? I meant that it'll be a good experience." He hastily poured himself a glass of water.
"It's not as great as you're making it seem to be."
"Why are you even doing it? It's not like you can live up to your Mom."
"My Mom?" He doesn't know.
"I overheard Crius and Mara talking once, Thea is your Mom right?" He looked completely unbothered about it. He overheard them? Since when is Sorin and Mara ever near each other? She made it so obvious she didn't like him.
"Have you decided what you wanted to eat?" I asked Sorin when Matthew came back. He didn't say anything, only stared down at his notepad.
"A steak, medium rare. You?"
I was going for their burger, it looks so good."
Matthew hummed in approval, while scribbling our order down.
"You had one yesterday, though."
Matthew stopped writing
"So?" I asked.
"Isn't that bad for your like... reputation?" He gestured with his hands like my reputation was huge.
"No...?"
His stare was incredulous and it was making me uncomfortable. I picked up the menu again looking through it.
"I guess a salad sounds better," I whispered loud enough for Matthew and Sorin to hear me.
"Good choice," Sorin said. He was completely unbothered by my uncomfort.
Matthew whispered something incoherent before walking away.
We sat in silence, or well I did. Sorin was playing a game on his phone, completely invalidating me. It didn't bother me, his presence was enough. I dreamt of going on a date with him for a while, this is better than my imagination.
That's lies, this is not better than what I've imagined.
There's one date I imagined with him where both of us are staring into each other's eyes as the stars above us shine brightly.
"Here's your food." I opened the eyes I didn't know I closed. A chicken salad was placed in front of me. It looked good, but it wasn't what I wanted.
A couple of bites, that's all I have to endure and then I can order some pizza when I get back home. Maybe I should order the pizza Crius introduced me to, that was some bombass pizza.
"I really think you should drop out of Sarnai," Sorin said as he took his first bite.
I put my fork down, I barely began eating and I had already lost my appetite. "I'm sorry, what?"
"Shit, did that sound rude? What I meant to say was there are better competitions for you to join and showcase your designs, what about YouTube? You can film videos of models wearing your clothes."
It was a smart idea for someone who wanted to pursue fashion. But I didn't go to fashion school to make YouTube videos.
"I don't understand what you're trying to say," I said through gritted teeth. It would've looked like a smile to him. It was anything but. "There's so many talented, more experienced designers than you in this competition, you can't seriously think there's a chance of winning." My cheeks burned. "No offense, I really don't mean to be rude or anything, I just want to look out for you."
I chose not to say anything, especially not after he blatantly said I wasn't talented enough to participate in Sarnai.
He was right, I wasn't. I couldn't be compared to the talented designers who would also compete in Sarnai. There were people better than me, way, way better. I am nothing compared to them, to their designs, to their hard work.
"Fuck me." I snapped out of my thoughts. "What happened?"
"I forgot my wallet at home, do you have any money on you?" His puppy-like eyes store me down. He forgot his wallet, it's okay. I brought mine. Of course I brought mine, I was gonna pay for half of the dinner.
"Oh yeah, I do."
I took my card out, handing it to him. "Here."
"Thanks, I'll pay you back for it." He swiped the card on the machine and handed it back. He was already up before I could get up. "This is where we part, I have something to do with Crius and the guys. I'll see ya around."
He's gonna leave? This was barely a date. I nodded, looking down. "Bye-" I looked up and he was already gone.
The agitated groan that escaped my lips was so unlady-like but I couldn't give a shit.
What a dick.
Matthew was staring at me, a pitiful expression on his face. I tried smiling but it probably looked like a grimace.
Not caring, I grabbed my bag and walked out of the restaurant.
I'd rather go on a date with someone from an online dating site than whatever this was. He broke my poor dreams. Gone, those dreams, those scenarios. I'm throwing them out for good.
The guy I thought I'd end up loving forever turned into nothing within a second.
This anger is so blinding, I need to chill out. I'm still working with him, I can't act like this date was terrible, even if it was.
While walking, I heard groaning.
Someone groaning in pain.
It was coming from the alleyway.
Just in case, I grabbed pepper spray from my bag.
I walked slowly towards the sound, ready to spray it.
The figure's head was leaned against the wall, their eyes squeezed shut. "Excuse me?" I placed my hand gently on their shoulder. Strong and oddly familiar. The figure turned to the side, slowly.
What the fuck?
"Crius?" I grabbed him, terrified for my life. His back is soaked with blood.
"A-Alida?" He opened his eyes, the softness and vulnerability in them was scaring me. He smiled and then dropped his whole weight on me.
"Shit."