Harry.
"Another one." I sat at the bar of my own café as I motioned to Steph to pour me another shot of tequila.
My right arm hung limply in my lap as I took the glass with my left hand and brought it to my lips, feeling the liquid run down my throat before I put the glass back down.
I had given up on wearing the sling. It had been two weeks since my surgery, and so far everything was going great. There still wasn't any nerve damage, besides a bit of a tingly feeling in my pink finger but with physiotherapy, that should be good.
It was a Friday evening and I had been working all day. I had just closed a pretty big deal with a new client, and I wanted to celebrate. But the only person I wanted to celebrate with didn't want to see me.
I sat at the bar with Zayn, who was high and dazed. I couldn't even put up a conversation with him, he had been staring into nothing for about thirty minutes now as he tried to keep his balance on the barstool.
Louis and Eleanor had been by Ian's side as he recovered in the hospital. He had been sent to a more critical facility for two weeks where they'd get him through his relapse with extensive therapy and where there was also heavy medical security.
After those two weeks, he'd head back to the RSP to start his program from scratch. Back to phase one.
In the corner of my eye I saw Zayn taking out a small bag of pills, grabbing one and popping it in his mouth.
"You want one?" He asked, holding the zip-lock bag out for me that I eyed carefully. The pills had a funny colour.
My tongue swept over my bottom lip. I couldn't deny that I craved drugs right now, but I still shook my head no and denied him. "No, thanks."
Zayn nodded to himself and put it back in his pocket before he took a sip of his beer. His hazy eyes and his stare into nothing returned as he swayed to the music on his barstool, completely out of it.
"More?" Steph asked over the music, pointing to my shot glass. I nodded and she refilled it, almost dropping the bottle of tequila but I quickly caught it with my hand and handed it back to her.
"Thanks." She smiled, her fingertips lingering on my hand as she took the bottle back from me. I nodded and pulled my hand back. It felt uncomfortable being touched by anyone else than Violet, even if it was just a little, innocent touch on the hand.
I took the shot, slamming the glass down as I felt the alcohol entering my bloodstream. I was very drunk right now, as I had been most nights to be honest. There was no reason for me to be home, no reason for me to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't have to try for anyone.
Violet didn't care. She was gone by the time I woke up and went to bed earlier than ever. I sometimes saw glimpses of her in the hallway, and she still texted me every day that she was hanging out with Abby after her work hours, even though I knew it was a lie.
I had been biting my tongue about that for a while, feeling the need to snap at her and tell her I knew she was hacking the app. I wanted to see her reaction as she tried to bullshit her way out of that one.
Abby telling me to respect Violet's boundaries was like asking a dog to not go after the bone. I couldn't. It was against my nature to let her do her thing. I wanted control, I needed it.
The way my hand had rested in her neck still sent shivers down my spine. It was such a stupid touch, and I hated that it had lingered with me for so long. It shouldn't have. A fucking hand on her neck shouldn't be the highlight of my day.
She didn't brush it off for once but she had still seemed relieved when I pulled away.
The loud music was booming off the walls as people danced and made-out on the dancefloor. It was a good night for a party, and I saw Liam and Isobel grinding beneath the lights, hands over each other and lips attached.
"You look like you've had a rough night." Steph spoke in my ear as she sat down on the stool next to mine. I glanced at the clock, seeing her shift had ended and it was now Jenny behind the bar. It wasn't too crowded, nothing unusual for a Friday evening.
I shrugged at her words and took a sip of my beer. "Busy night."
"Something I could do to help?"
I chuckled. "Not really, just need to relax for a bit." I looked over in Steph's direction, seeing her facing me, one arm popped up on the bar, holding a glass of white wine as her other hand was combing through the lengths of her hair, twirling a few strands around her manicured fingers.
I never understood how she managed to bartend with those claws.
She saw my look and smirked to herself, drinking some of her wine as she hopped off of the stool and extended her hand. "Come on, let's dance."
I cocked up my eyebrows. "Dance? No thanks."
"Ah, come on, Harry. We're friends, right? You look like you could use a dance." She smiled.
I rolled my eyes and sighed, slowly getting up from my seat as I hesitantly took hold of her hand and she lead me to the dancefloor.
Steph stopped in the middle of the café, turning around again to face me, a smile on her lips as she started moving to the beat of the music. The dim lights lit up her white teeth as she grinned widely, resting one hand on my shoulder as she still held her drink in the other.
I felt uncomfortable, even more so when someone who passed by nudged Steph and she fell into me slightly, her front pressed to mine. She clung to my shoulders more in order not to trip and I instinctively held her, my hands on her bare waist. She was in the usual attire that the bartenders wore, denim shorts and a black crop top.
"Sorry." She chuckled, but made no attempts to move back as she continued to dance with her breasts pressed up against me. She had a larger chest than Violet, and even through the thin layers of clothing I could feel Steph's nipple piercings.
I forgot she had those.
She stood on her toes to speak in my ear. "Come on, just let loose for a bit." She urged me, taking my hand and forcing me to dance as I let out another sigh.
I did deserve to let loose. I did deserve to have fun. I had been unhappy for weeks, and even now that I wanted to celebrate a big business deal, I couldn't enjoy it because I was so cooped up in my personal misery.
This whole time I had put in so much effort for Violet, only to get nothing in return. I didn't know what she expected from me after all this. I didn't know what else to do, and she didn't give me any hints. I had gone out of my way to try and make her feel better, but she had shut me out completely.
She had shut everybody out completely.
She was like a stranger now. And the lonely nights in my bed didn't help while I knew she was a few rooms further down the hall. Also on her own. It felt like miles. I had hardly slept because I had been so worried, it was wrecking me. I wondered if her nightmares had stopped if she slept alone.
Why did she have to pretend like I was the problem here? It made me absolutely fucking miserable. She should just break up with me if she feels like that.
I noticed the tingling feeling in my body, noticed the dark thoughts and the anxiety taking over once again.
I held up my finger to Steph. "Just a second, I'll be right back."
I made my way through the people, body anticipating with what I was about to do. It was stupid, but it was all I could think about. I'd deal with it in the morning. It would just be this one time. Just to take the edge off, just to make me feel better.
It was a lie I had told myself numerous times before. If being without Violet for six days didn't drive me into doing coke, the way she behaved right now certainly did.
It would just be one time.
Just to take the edge off.
"Zayn, do you have coke on you?" I asked my friend who was still at the bar. His eyes widened slightly before he slowly nodded. "Of course. Are you sure?"
I nibbled my lower lip. "Yes."
"Alright, mate." He fished another bag out of his pocket, filled with white powder that he handed to me without protest. I knew he wouldn't argue. None of my friends would if I asked them for drugs, besides Louis.
He was like a moral king when it came to stuff like that, whereas the others didn't shove it down my nose but they also wouldn't deny me if I asked.
I took the small bag out of his hand and went into the supply room behind the bar, momentarily nodding at Jenny as I passed her by. The muffled music made it easier to hear my own heavy breathing and the thumping of my heart.
I wanted to feel better.
I needed to feel better.
I wanted Violet, but she wasn't here. And she didn't want me. I needed a release.
My hands worked quick in letting out some of the familiar white powder, and I took my creditcard out of my wallet to spread it nicely into a line. A dollar bill got rolled up and I wasted no time, not thinking twice before I lowered my head and snorted the line. It was a ritual I was used to doing, and it felt like riding a bike. My hands could blindly do the action.
My eyes screwed shut as I shot back up, pinching my nose to cope with the familiar burn of the powder entering my system. It hurt, in the best way.
"Fuck." I mumbled, shaking my head a bit as my vision got slightly blurry. It hardly took a minute for the drug to settle in. My hands became numb and tingly, my tongue felt thick and heavy and I started heating up. My heartbeat got a bit faster, and all the stress that I felt disappeared completely.
I felt like I could take on the world as I ran my finger beneath my nose, snorting any remnants that had been left behind on the patch of skin as I straightened out my shirt and returned to Steph on the dancefloor.
The euphoric feeling that I had missed so much, that Violet usually provided me with, was back. This high was what I had been searching for. I felt like I could punch an elephant as I confidently made my way through the crowd, back to my arrogant self.
The arrogant self that had his way with girls, the arrogant self that everyone feared and respected.
"Where'd you go to?" Steph asked once I returned and I shrugged with a wide smirk as I took her hands and spun her around, dancing and singing to the music. She noticed my shift in behaviour but didn't comment.
Her flirting continued and I wasn't fighting or denying it anymore. She was less subtle with her touches as she continued to run her hands over my half naked chest and my shoulders as she fluttered her eyelashes and bit her lip. She was pulling out all the stops for me.
Steph of all people wanted me more than Violet did. Steph was putting in all the work to get my attention, Steph was making me feel special right now. I had her wound around my finger without even trying. She wanted me.
Violet didn't.
When she turned around and swayed her ass against my crotch, I didn't stop her. I got hard in my pants in seconds from the lack of stimulation I had felt recently. She apparently felt it too, turning around again with a smirk. I let out a sigh when she grinded herself against me harder, creating the familiar friction that I had been waiting for.
I wanted a release so badly. I wanted to be touched so badly. I wanted to be wanted, needed so badly.
"We can go upstairs if you want to play." She seductively spoke in my ear, pressing her lips down on my throat as she got down from her toes again, her fingers curled around my biceps.
"I missed playing our little game. You know I always do anything you want me to." She added mischievously. My eyes lingered on her cleavage before I tore my eyes away. She bent her knee, letting her thigh rub against my crotch, applying just enough pressure to make me let out a grunt.
I couldn't deny that it was tempting. I craved sex, I craved intimacy. Steph knew me, she was a massive flirt and we had good times together in the past. We had slept together on numerous occasions, too often to count had we disappeared in my office upstairs and had I fucked her on that brown couch. In any way I wanted to.
She did do anything I asked her to do. The sex we used to have was dirty and rough, and good. She was quite wild and let my imagination run free whenever we were together. She let me do everything I wanted.
It happened so often to the point I thought I was into her in a very real way, and it made me ask her to a second meeting. Which she sternly declined.
It didn't mean we stopped having sex.
When Steph leaned in and went for my lips, I very quickly turned my head so her mouth landed on my jaw. At least I was sober enough to not actually cheat. She chuckled against my skin, her arms around my neck as she kissed my neck.
I felt her long nails racking through my hair, tugging on the curls in my neck as my pants only grew tighter around me. It had been ages since someone had given me a boner this easily besides Violet. I tried to imagine it was her, but Steph's pungent perfume was nothing like Violet's subtle one.
The feeling of her claws in my shoulder, was nothing like Violet's soft touch.
Her lips on my neck were harsh and needy, nothing like Violet's loving tongue running over my skin.
But as Steph continued kissing my skin, pressing her breasts against me as her thigh was in between my legs, brushing over my erection, I held onto her sides. My hands slid down to her hips, pulling her into me further.
I didn't stop her.
Why didn't I stop her.
She sucked on the spot beneath my ear, her lips moving and brushing over the sensitive skin as she gave me a subtle love bite, her teeth nicking me and tongue soothing the area. My eyes fluttered close as I turned my head, giving her more access and tightening my grip around her hips.
Her leg pressed into me harder and I grinded back, sliding one hand down to her ass and knead the flesh through the denim shorts she wore to work at the bar.
"Fuck – Vi." I moaned quietly as my brow furrowed and her hands fisted my hair, tugging on my roots as we were pressed flush against one another. Her teeth were biting down on the lobe of my ear, "Look, you can call me whatever you want tonight, but you know I'm not into roleplay, right?"
I was snapped out of my thoughts, my eyes shooting open as I looked down to see her face. I was met with ice blue eyes instead of the warm hazel ones that I adored so much.
She wasn't Violet.
Not even close.
As if I suddenly got snapped out of it, I cleared my throat and pushed against Steph's shoulders, increasing the distance between us immediately.
The cocaine hit me for a shorter amount of time than I had expected. I thought after all this time of not using, my tolerance would've gone down and it could get me high for at least an hour. But we were fifteen minutes in and it started wearing off already.
"I have to go." I mumbled suddenly, and her smile faltered as I moved away from her and out of the bar, feeling the need for fresh air. I left Steph behind with a frown, leaving her on her own.
I was stumbling slightly, still very drunk but the euphoric feeling from the drugs had gone away again, and the sadness and anxiety had returned.
I didn't know how I made it home in the condition I was in, and I narrowly missed hitting the gate when I pulled up to the mansion in the early hours of the Saturday morning. I did a horrible parking job, ramming some bushes that framed the parking lot as I parked in about three spaces instead of one. But I didn't care.
I tripped slightly on the stairs, my shirt completely unbuttoned by now as I hiccupped and held onto the railing, fumbling with the car keys as I attempted to stuff them in my pocket.
"Violet!" I yelled out drunkenly into the hallway. I wanted to see her, but in this drunken state I couldn't remember which door was hers. I went around the hallway, stomping my fist on any door in sight. Nobody slept here during the week besides me and her.
I leaned against one of the doors, taking a deep breath. "Violet!!" I repeated louder in a hoarse voice.
I heard stumbling and then a door opened, revealing her. She was wearing leggings and a jumper, rubbing her left eye as she frowned in the brightly lit hallway.
My heart was overcome with both love and pain when I saw her. She brought out too many emotions in me, and I felt crushed by the feelings of need when I saw her. I wanted nothing more than to just hold her. Feel the warmth of her body against mine. We didn't even have to do anything, I just wanted her near me.
"H-Harry? What's wrong? Are you okay?" She yawned.
I didn't respond as I wobbled over to her, supporting myself against the wall as I saw her figure three times through my drunken eyes instead of one.
"You look p-pretty." I slurred once I reached her, and she scrunched up her nose in disgust when the heavy stench of alcohol hit her. She moved back into her room a bit as I leaned against the doorpost, almost toppling forward. The room was bland and she had made no attempts at personalizing it. Only the right side of the bed had been slept in, the rest of it still neat and untouched.
"Are you drunk?" She frowned.
I nodded and hummed. "V-Very. Wanted to see you."
"Harry," she sighed, rubbing her forehead, "you should go to sleep."
"Hmmm," I pouted, walking over to her as she moved back until her calves hit the bed, "but I miss you. Wanna sleep here. With you. 'M gonna sleep here." I stumbled on the spot a bit, falling into the wall as I tried to steady myself, a hiccup falling from my lips.
Violet crossed her arms in front of her chest and bit the inside of her cheek. "I think you should go to your own room. I'll get you some water." She was ready to walk past me and down to the kitchen, but my hand curled around her arm and I tugged her into me.
She let out a yelp when she fell into me, bracing herself with her hands against my chest to keep our bodies from colliding. I curled my arms around her waist, pulling her flush against me as she gasped and I hummed, closing my eyes and enjoying the closeness. "Hmm, you're so p-pretty." I tripped over my words as Violet squirmed in my grip, squeezing my arms to get out of the embrace. I pushed her against the wall to keep her in place.
"Harry, let me go." She tried to sound stern as she pushed against my chest, but she was no match for my strength, even when I was drunk.
"Never letting you go." I mumbled back, roaming my hands over her sides.
"Get off!" She hissed, stomping against my shoulders with her small fists. I ignored her, dipping my fingers under the fabric of her hoodie to feel her ribcage beneath my fingertips.
Just from that, I could tell that she lost weight. The bones of her ribs felt sharp against my fingertips as I ignored her, palming her warm skin and keeping her trapped, inhaling her scent desperately.
"Har- NO! Stop!" She screamed, snaking her waist around in an attempt to get away from me, "don't touch me!!"
I stumbled back slightly when she forcefully pushed against me, deliberately hitting me in my injured shoulder which is the only reason I stepped away. The pain shooting through my arm was enough to snap me out of it slightly.
My eyes landed on her wide, fearful eyes and her wet cheeks. She cowered away into the wall, straightening out her hoodie as her breaths were heavy. I stood watching her a few feet away.
She choked on a sob as her whole body was shivering and I realized she looked afraid. Afraid of me. Terrified.
She looked at me like I was a monster.
She looked at me like I was Chase.
"How long are we going to keep doing this?" I spoke with a sigh, feeling much more sober now that reality had hit me like a brick that this was the new normal. Being unhappy day in and day out. That was the reality now.
Having a girlfriend who cried whenever I so much as brushed my hand against hers. Having a girlfriend who I hadn't had a conversation with in weeks.
She was about to speak but I cut her off. "Don't bullshit me with needing time. I don't fucking have time, Violet. You're a fucking stranger to me now!" I shouted and she flinched from the volume of my voice.
She always flinched these days. She always cowered away. I didn't know when she got so fragile, so jumpy, so... weak.
Violet told me she still loved me, yet never showed me. How on earth was I supposed to be okay with that. How on earth was I supposed to be happy with that.
She didn't say anything, just continued to stare at me with fear and worry in her eyes. It was accompanied with guilt, and somehow it made me feel better to know she still had some emotion left in her.
Yet when I stared in her brown eyes, searching for the calm and love that I usually found, it wasn't there.
I didn't say anything as I turned around and left her room, hearing her lock it only seconds later before loud sobs were heard, muffled from behind the door. I felt instantly sober as I walked back to my own room, slamming the door shut in frustration as I aggressively started tugging off my clothes until I was naked and then crawled under the sheets.
My jaw was clenched in frustration and anger as I laid in the big bed in the dark. Alone.
I was always alone.