I first saw her at freshmen orientation. She was there on the bleachers and she stood out from the crowd, which is ironic, because every single one of the freshmen was standing - she remained sitting, reading something I can't quite make out from the distance.
My eyes were immediately drawn to her, with her beige cardigan and brown locks. She tucked a strand of stray hair behind her ear and I found myself blushing. She was gorgeous and my eyes was focused on her.
I had come in a little late due to traffic (it really wasn't I just overslept and traffic is my go-to excuse) and had missed Namjoon's opening speech.
I felt someone elbow me and that made me look to my right, Jimin was telling me something yet I cannot hear his words. I instead focused on his mouthing of the words and made out 'you' 'turn' and 'speak'. I hurriedly stood up and mouthed a sorry towards Namjoon who just shook his head like this was a normal occurrence. Well, it's not every day I get distracted by Aphrodite but it's not like I can tell that to them. It'd be the end of me as they would torment me with the fact that some freshie had caught the Taehyung Kim's attention.
I sauntered over to the podium which I remembered was occupied by Namjoon giving a speech as the student council president.
From where I stood she wasn't that visible, the lighting made her image hazy.
I decided to give my speech as captain of the hockey team and then invited students to join, something routine - something familiar - until I felt a shiver and my eyes immediately found her. The earlier hazy image of her cleared, like a fogged glass wiped by the microfiber cloth.
She was looking at me and she was crying.
I must've spaced out then because I felt Jimin tug my uniform and usher me to my seat. He must've said something as the crowd of freshmen laugh boisterously.
I tried to find her amongst the rowdy crowd but I can't spot her anymore, like she'd vanish in thin air.
When the assembly ended I was left questioning if she really was there, or was she just a figment of my imagination.
One thing was for sure, those were tears running down her face.
-
The next time I met her, was Namjoon and Hobi's graduation.
She stood there amongst the pinks of the cherry blossoms, sticking out with our school's dark uniform. She was next to Jisoo who was happily chatting with Namjoon. As I neared, her eyes met mine and I had the urge to quicken my steps.
I gave in and left Jimin in my wake.
Jisoo introduced her to the rest of the group. She bowed her head which we returned but she never once spoke. As Namjoon and Hobi asked us to celebrate over our favorite diner, she refused. Jisoo tried to coax her to come but she just said something out of earshot which made Jisoo nod solemnly.
With my loud mouth and unfiltered thought I asked if she needed a ride. She looked startled and like a cornered cat - ready to bolt - but Jisoo hurriedly clasped her shoulders and said that it would be a good idea.
She tried to protest but Jisoo just pushed her forward telling her to live a little. She glared at that and I swear if it was directed into a body of water, that glare would freeze it over. She let out a sigh and gave an apprehensive nod, looking at me like a lost child.
I told her to follow me and she suddenly said that if I were to do something, she had pepper spray on her. I answered that I won't do anything she won't like which earned me an eye roll. I beamed at her and opened the passenger's side door. She mumbled a small thank you and I felt my heart soar. That was the first time I heard her voice directed at me.
The question about that day in orientation lodged in my throat but I smothered it down, not wanting to break the somewhat friendly atmosphere.
There's a time for everything, I'd thought and followed her directions towards her house - memorizing every street name in case she decides to let me drive her home again.
-
The third time I met her, it was Jungkook's first day in school. It was on the cafeteria and I saw her with Jisoo and two others I haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet.
Jimin and I joined the table and the newbies introduced themselves as Chaeyoung and Lisa.
Jungkook arrived a little later and he and Lisa immediately went into bickering with each other. Turns out the three had been classmates in their last year of middle school and was already acquainted with each other.
With that information, I asked her if she went to the same middle school as we did and she gave me a blank stare. It was Jisoo who answered yes.
I wondered why I haven't seen her around.
After that day, we've met each other almost every day.
Jisoo took over as the student council council and she was its secretary. Jimin continued with his dance club while hockey practice was getting intense. Jungkook, Chaeyoung and Lisa occasionally drops by the student council room to hang out. The student council room became witness of the million shenanigans - mostly spearheaded by Lisa and me - and my car was witness to the countless times I drove to and from her house.
We've gone closer over the days. It was all because the hockey team doesn't have a manager and since she was in the student council, she accompanied us in away games - I had a feeling this was all Jisoo.
One car ride home, I got the courage to ask why she was crying that day in freshmen orientation. She looked at me confusedly and I tried to explain that she was crying when I gave my speech. She still looked confused so I said about how she had been reading some book that day. Her eyes lit up in recognition.
She said she was reading a book that time and something had happened which made her cry, and it turned out she wasn't staring at me, she was lost in thought and her eyesight happen to graze mine. She doesn't even remember me giving a speech.
I just laughed at that and we continued the drive in silence, something that I find was both of our thing.
-
It was semester break when I realized I haven't said her name out loud. It was a trivial thing, but it bothered me to no end. I wondered how we called each other's attention the past times we were together.
I was sprawled on my back in my bed when my phone rang, it was Jin. I answered on the third ring.
Jin informed me that the boys are planning to have a get together, somewhere where the college students can unwind. I laughed at how tired he sounded but maybe he just needed to see his sister. I agreed and asked the RSVP list - waiting to hear one name in particular.
It was the same crew, the boys and of course Jin had invited his sister - this gave me hope, if Jisoo was invited there was a chance the invitation was extended to her close friends - and when Jin mentioned the name I've been waiting for, I immediately said that I will go. Jin was taken aback by the enthusiasm but I shook it off by saying I, too, needed a vacation.
I was beaming by the time the call ended and I thought to myself I can't wait to see her again.
-
It was sunset when I realized that by the short time I knew her, I'd fallen deeply in love with her. As the sun kissed the horizon, casting a golden hue, I looked back to moments where she was in my life. When had this started? I wondered. I must've been that time where she smiled when I made that winning shot in that match versus our rival school. Or that time she fell asleep in the passenger's seat of my car on the way to her home. Or maybe it was when I first laid eyes on her during her freshmen orientation.
I couldn't pinpoint the exact place where my fascination evolved into something deeper, something more primal, and I let my upper body fall into the white sand - bracing the back of my head with my hands. I heard footprints approaching where I was stationed in the beach, I let myself hope that it was my girl but was slightly disappointed when it was just Chaeyoung. She wore a hooded jacket, leaving the zipper open, over her two piece and denim shorts - she was also munching on a potato chip. Without invitation, she sat few feet away from where I laid.
She said she'd noticed how I was staring at her and how I looked like a lovesick puppy wanting her attention. It wasn't off in any chance, she'd pinpointed it exactly, but I still choked on my own spit with how straight forward she'd put it. She laughed as she watched me pummel my chest to alleviate the pressure.
Then all of a sudden, she looked forlorn. She was about to tell me something, I'd felt it the moment she brought her hands out of the chips' packet yet no chips was with her hand. But before she can say anything, something changed in her demeanor, like she was trying so hard to shut off that gate, and she changed the topic. I also dropped the subject but it had bothered me to no end. Chaeyoung wasn't known for being forlorn, she was cheerful and had always a reassuring smile. So something was weighing her down, something that she felt she needed to tell me.
If I had just pestered Chaeyoung what was on her mind, I'd have known.
And if I had known back then, I would've done everything I could.
If I had known back then, I would've stayed.
-
It was second semester when I found out that sometimes, her personality is directly affected by the book she's currently reading. And right now she seems sulkier than usual. I tried to cheer her up by giving her food but she only accepted it with a small thanks.
I also noticed that the others hadn't been with us that much lately or it was us that hadn't been with others lately, either way I missed the noise. She brought me out of my reverie when she let out a heavy breath, as if she was pained by something. I immediately snapped my eyes to her and asked her what's wrong. She just smiled and waved it away like it was nothing, forcing a smile.
I was still suspicious but I dropped it, if she doesn't like talking about it, then I won't.
Then, I did the thing that had been bothering me since semester break.
I said her name out loud.
"Jennie."
Her eyes widened then, like it was the very first time she'd heard my voice, the very first time I've said her name out loud. I told her it was weird how I never even remembered saying her name and how I've never heard her call my name.
She bit her lip and looked down, thinking about it. When she finally looked up, she was smiling shyly - like the thought of not having called my name had embarrassed her. She said she'd never had the need to call out to me because I seem to be able to sense when she'd need me. I just beamed at that and if it was any indication that she had figured me out, she never showed it on her expression. Instead, she did what she never have ever since we met.
"Taehyung."
And if the reaction I had then would be what I would have undergone every time she'd mention my name, then I would probably need a new heart.
Her voice made my name sound like it was meant to be written in stars and when later that day Jimin called out to me, I had wished he never did because I'd realized that if it wasn't her voice saying my name, then I don't want to hear it.
-
It was our graduation when I finally tried to tell her how I felt. Under the same cherry blossom tree, where we first met, I stared at the teary eyed faces of our underclassmen. Chaeyoung and Lisa was hugging Jisoo while bawling their eyes out, Jungkook was holding his tears back and she, she was where she had been the first time I saw her amidst the falling petals of the cherry blossoms. Wearing that proud yet nostalgic smile on her lips.
Jisoo was going to the same college as her brother while I and Jimin decided to finally try out auditioning for entertainment companies, like we've always dreamed. It was a long shot and unlike Jimin, I'm not really that good of a dancer but years of playing hockey had amped my stamina and if I had to practice day to night to do the choreography right, then I would.
My hockey coach had said his reluctance and had revealed that dozens of college had offered me sports scholarship so I could continue playing the sport but I had already made up my mind - although I had only initially wanted to accompany Jimin when he does audition.
Namjoon and Hobi had already been accepted on a label with Yoongi and Seokjin was to audition when Jisoo starts college.
But before everything, I had wanted to tell her how I really felt. So when presented with the chance, Jisoo still occupied by the two younger girls and Jimin passing the baton of the dance club to Jungkook, I neared Jennie - who seemed to be contented with watching everything from afar.
I started with an awkward hey and in true Jennie fashion, she raised her eyebrows at me. I tried to build up the courage to finally let her know but instead of my feelings running off my mouth, it was my dream of becoming a performer.
She'd laugh softly then and told me she knew. She'd always knew when she watched me after every hockey practice proceed to the dance room and learn steps from Jimin, or when I'd sing my heart out in the car when it was time to get her home.
I smiled, like I've watched her all this time, she had watched me. I was overwhelmed with a feeling so strong that the L word would have been an understatement. Who would've known that the freshman I saw in orientation would be this important to me.
I breathed deeply and prepared myself but a single cherry blossom petal cut me off before I'd even began, landing on the corner of her lips. She looked taken aback and I laughed so loud the rest of our group looked at us in question. I just turned towards her and plucked the offending petal off her lips. The gesture made her cheeks flush red and I don't know if that was because she was embarrassed about the suddenness of the action or it was something else but it made me smile nonetheless. I placed a palm on her head and walked towards Jisoo and Jimin, ready to say goodbye to the place that witnessed our high school lives.
And I'd made a decision that I would wait until she was ready and I wouldn't be pushing myself to her.
When she was out of my sight, I placed a soft kiss into the petal and let it fall from my hands, fluttering in the wind. Jisoo and Jimin watched me from the corner of their eyes but their expressions were the exact opposite of each other.
While Jimin was grinning from ear to ear - ready to tease the heck out of me - Jisoo was smiling but it didn't quite reach her eyes - the same expression Chaeyoung had on that day on the beach. I just pushed Jimin away who started his teasing already and I hear Jisoo chuckle at our antics.
If I had known what her smile was for, I would've ran back and told her how I feel.
-
It was the day Jimin and I got a call back from the same company Namjoon was in when I saw her caller ID for the first time.
I hurriedly grabbed the phone from my nightstand, almost tripping over my blanket, and pressed the green button. But it wasn't her voice I heard, it was Lisa's.
Before I could question anything, and my sanity, a scuffle could be heard and that was when I heard her voice. It sounded different on the phone and it certainly felt different on the phone. While I'd have preferred to hear her directly, the phone version of her voice sounded like she was whispering to me - a secret that was only for my ears.
I can hear Lisa and Chaeyoung's snickers. Although we'd texted plenty of times since I'd graduated, I was tempted to always call her just to hear her voice.
Lisa had joined the dance club and although she and Jungkook still get along like a fox and a bunny, they had tolerated each other so they can continue doing dance. Chaeyoung had taken up her previous position as the secretary of the student council while Jennie became its president.
She was asking me about how the audition went and I gave her the good news, her surprised gasp and congratulations washed the soreness from my body.
Lisa shouted something and fearing I'd hear it, she tried to shush her but I already did and I'd thought that it wasn't something to be embarrassed about. Lisa had said they'd been watching this one anime non-stop and Jennie can't seem to get over it. Lisa then said she was obsessed, more than when she'd found a new favorite book.
It wasn't until long after the call ended that I knew the reason why she was embarrassed.
I smiled at Lisa's text and continued smiling until I had fallen asleep, ready for our first day of training tomorrow.
Lisa had said that Jennie accidentally let it slip that she thought the male lead was drawn exactly like me if I was in an anime.
I figured it wouldn't hurt to watch one episode after our tedious training tomorrow.
-
It wasn't until Jungkook had been accepted into our label when I saw her again.
We've made many gatherings and meet-ups in the span of two years but she hadn't shown to any of it, making excuses every time I ask her to RSVP.
I'd asked Jisoo about it but she just said that Jennie had been busy the last year of high school because of being the student council president, I rebutted that it was not like that when she had been the president nor when Namjoon had. She never had any rebuttals.
And when she graduated high school, I tried to ask her if I could see her but she turned me down since we had and evaluation that day, I reluctantly said okay.
When she started college, the same one as Jisoo's - her excuse was that she was very busy with her classes and we had let her be. We still constantly text and call and I can hear the tiredness in her voice, even when I called her in the morning.
When Lisa, Chaeyoung and Jungkook finally graduated, and Jungkook was accepted into the label we decided to gather together in one of the restaurants we had frequented. Despite her turning down every invitation, I still sent her a text. Imagine my surprise when she turned up with Jisoo.
She was wearing that beige cardigan over a white shirt and black jogging pants and despite dressing casually, she still looked drop dead gorgeous.
It was true when they said absence makes the heart grow fonder because when I first saw her after two years, I had the urge to run to hear and cry in her arms - that was how much I had missed her.
The table fell into friendly conversations but she never joined in, just letting Jisoo answer questions directed at her or answer them herself with only a nod, a smile, or a shake of her head.
What really stole the spotlight was Hobi accidentally spilling the beans about how we were to debut after a year of Jungkook's training. Lisa had been so excited to hear that and Chaeyoung said she'd buy our debut album. We thanked their support but we also told them not to tell anyone anything yet since it was the first time our label would debut a group.
They enthusiastically nodded their head but she just stared at us blankly. Like she had when we first met.
Jisoo turned attention to her and asked her if something was amiss and that seemed to snap her back into our reality and she smiled and shook her head.
She then turned her attention to the guys and congratulated us.
When our eyes met, something clouded over her vision and although it wasn't that alarming, since she just picked up her spoon, she dropped her spoon back in her plate - the noise shrouded by the excited chatter around the table.
She stared at her hand like it had betrayed her and Jisoo hurriedly covered them with her own.
I watched the exchange with curious gaze and it wasn't until her eyes met mine again that I forced myself not to stare.
In that moment, her eyes danced from shock to dread to disappointment and I cannot help but felt the sudden pang of pain inside me at the sight.
I had looked away not because she looked like she wanted me to look away but because I was scared myself. I was scared that if I found out what those eyes had meant - I cannot take it.
So the rest of the night, I avoided her gaze as much as possible knowing I was running away from her.
-
After that dinner, everything was back to normal. We still texted and called but I knew something was wrong. Her responses in calls had been lackluster and sometimes I had to repeat what I'd said twice before I got a reaction from her.
I wasn't getting tired of her, in fact, I was the opposite. I wanted so much to be with her physically but I knew I couldn't, I couldn't risk being caught up in something somewhat taboo to idols. So I just hugged my pillow as she tried to tell me about her day and pictured that it was her caged within my arms.
-
I was middle of summer when we finally debuted with a song Namjoon and Yoongi co-wrote. We never did expect anything out of it but we were happy with the few thousand views it got. So we decided to celebrate - we had planned it only for the guys but Jin had to let Jisoo know and that means out of respect, he should invite them as well.
When Jin's phone dinged with Jisoo's answer, his face contorted in confusion and worry.
We asked him what was wrong and he just handed his phone to Namjoon who read Jisoo's reply out loud. Jennie had fallen sick so they can't come and then a congratulations from all the girls.
The rest of us brushed it off since it was flu season but I had something terrible brewing inside my gut but I buried it deep down as to not dampen the high spirits of everyone.
On my third glass of alcohol, I wasn't thinking straight anymore. I was always a lightweight. Powered by the liquid courage, I dialed Jennie's number over and over again yet not once did she pick up. Same with Lisa and Chaeyoung. Jisoo promptly picked up and told me to stop calling but she was weirdly whispering like she doesn't want to disturb anyone with her - a trait surprisingly unlike her. She then ended the call without me having to say anything.
The celebration continued and we watched the view count go up slowly and each view equaled to one shot that was a bad move on our part. In the morning, every one of us woke up with splitting headaches like we were Zeus giving birth to Athena.
While everyone was curled up in their own bed, trying to block out the light, I stared at my phone.
I'd received a text from Jennie but something was off about it.
It contained a congratulations and a sorry for not getting you're call.
But I had the feeling it wasn't Jennie who'd sent the text.
Jennie was a sucker for grammar, so as soon as I saw the "you're", I knew it wasn't her.
But still, I replied 'thank you' and a hopeful 'see you soon'.
My phone didn't make a sound for the rest of the day.
-
The moment I knew it wasn't just flu was when I accidentally peeked on Jin's phone one day. We were eating dinner together and while Jin had went to get more plates of food, he had left his phone unattended. His conversation with his sister displayed on the screen. I knew I was being nosy and was breaching Jin's privacy but when a new message from Jisoo said that she was on her way to the hospital to see Jennie, I couldn't help but get extremely worried. She hadn't mentioned anything about a hospital in our conversations. And I hadn't mentioned about her occasional slip ups with her grammar.
I had gotten used to predicting who I was probably chatting with, when it was her or Chaeyoung or Lisa or Jisoo.
Peeking to the kitchen and determining Jin wouldn't be back anytime soon, I snatched his phone and searched for 'hospital' in their conversations.
When I found out what hospital it was, I hurriedly placed his phone back to its original position and took note to sneak out late that night to finally find out what's really going on.
I haven't seen her in a long time.
-
Hidden by a mask, I asked the reception for her room number to which she replied if I know the patient. I had to prove to her that I do indeed know her and showed her a picture of us with the others - the only picture of us together. After a couple of pleadings, she told me Jennie's room number and I had actively control my feet not to run on the hallways.
The door opened with a soft click and there she was laying there with a book on her lap. When she moved to turn the page, her hands shook.
When she heard me slowly enter the room, she greeted me with a shaky voice expecting I was Jisoo back from somewhere I didn't know.
When I called out to her, she slowly turned her head towards me. Every move she made looked as if she was moving underwater. It was slow and deliberate, even the widening of her eyes were the same. Then, when she fully registered it was me, she let out a resigned sigh and smiled wryly.
Even though it had been such a long time since I've seen her, it never quelled my overwhelming feelings for her. She looked beautiful, bathed only on the pale glow of the moonlight from her open window.
I took of my mask and cap and neared her, my hands outstretched before retreating to the confines of my pockets. I asked her why she didn't tell me or anyone of the guys. She answered that she was only here for a checkup, her anemia had flared up from all the all-nighters she'd pulled in college and that she didn't want to cause us unnecessary worry since our debut was coming. I called bullshit and told her her health is more important than some debut and she just looked at me like I had unconsciously proved her point - which I did.
I took a seat on the chair beside her bed and told her I missed her and before she could dive into the hidden meaning beneath my words I added that everyone misses her. She smiled genuinely that time - not one of those wry smiles she'd been wearing lately. I told her about our performance on a show tomorrow and she said she wouldn't miss it.
When Jisoo came back, she almost dropped the paper bag she was carrying but she immediately overcame her initial shock and practically shoved me out the door, telling me Jennie had to get some much needed sleep. I couldn't argue with that since she'd told me she was in for anemia.
So I said my goodbyes and walked out the room, not before hugging her and Jisoo - but I knew Jisoo knew that I hugged Jennie much more tightly, never wanting to let her go.
I crossed with a doctor and a bunch of nurses pushing instruments and I did a bow as they passed me.
As I'm finally in my bed, my phone dinged. It was Jennie telling me that she's waiting to see our live performance. I sent her an ok sign and told her it would be for her.
Before closing my eyes, I pictured her sitting on the audience with her wide smile and waving arms. The thought made me smile and I hoped our performance tomorrow would go off without a hitch.
-
Unexpectedly, we'd hit a high after three years. It was supposed to be our last song, yet it had won us our first award. After the show, the guys decided to visit Jennie in a staggered intervals as to not let our unexpected fame invite paparazzi into the hospital. I visited with Jimin and Jungkook, all of us wearing our disguises. Jennie had been in and out of the hospital that she had dropped college and every time I saw her, she looked a lot paler than the last time.
I had secretly pestered her doctor to tell me if what she had really is anemia and he just said that it was. I had trouble believing it though but I decided to drop the subject.
And until now, I hadn't told her how I felt.
I can't. Not now that we've found ourselves in sudden rise to famedom. I couldn't risk her privacy since some fans somehow take things too far. I'm happy I could bring a smile to her face despite the grey and white walls of her hospital room.
There were times where I could take her out, but that would end in her being too tired and I had to give her a piggyback ride back to the hospital.
This time, as Jungkook told the girls about our first win, Jennie looked a little worn out than usual. I pulled Jisoo aside, since she seemed to know a lot about what was happening, and asked her about it.
She just said Jennie's meds made her tired and asked me to drop the subject. I respected her decision - clearly Jennie doesn't want to talk about it - and went back to join the conversation albeit half-heartedly.
Jennie hadn't moved an inch from where she was situated in the bed. I reached for her hand and smiled.
She never smiled back.
-
It was time for our flight to Japan for a concert when I received my first call from Jennie after a very, very long time. I hurriedly excused myself, grateful for the bodyguards that blocked me from the annoying shutters from the camera.
I covered my other ear to hear her better, the rest of the guys noticed me on my phone and circled me to further hide me from the cameras.
Jennie's small voice asked me how I was and I tried hard to give her an answer that she can hear despite the commotion. She laughed and I found myself relaxing. It was boarding time when I heard the words that stilled my heart for a second, making my blood run cold.
She's going to New Zealand.
-
I couldn't focus on the concert. I was distracted and the guys knew why. They had gotten texts from Jennie saying she was going to New Zealand where her mom and dad currently lived. She said they'd been worried about her and would take care of her there, we couldn't argue with that but what bothered me was I cannot say goodbye personally. I don't know how I'd see her again with my now busy schedule and her being oceans away.
She'd told me we'd stay in touch and that I should stop worrying about her so much, I had no choice but to reluctantly agree.
On the time I was to change outfits, she texted me I should do my best on the concert.
So when I came back on stage, I gave my everything. My sadness, my anger, my loneliness at the thought of never seeing her again for a very long time.
The very next day, a fancam of me went viral. The captions said I should tone down my expressions or it will be the death of them.
Oh, if only they knew the turmoil I felt deep down.
-
Jennie kept sending pictures of her and I can see her slowly getting better. The color returned to her face and she was going out again. The beach, the mall, a garden. Everywhere she went, the place paled in comparison to the color she brought.
The girls had been focused in their own projects too. Jisoo was scouted on her way home and asked if she had interest in being an actress. Lisa had been doing dance videos and uploading them on social media sites and was starting to garner attention. Chaeyoung loves to busk and sometimes, we 'accidentally' join her on one.
When we release new music, Jennie was the first to congratulate me and I would hover my thumb over the send button, wanting nothing but to press it and reveal to her how I really felt but my courage always falls short and I instead press the delete button meekly replying with a 'thanks' and an 'I miss you'.
She would sometimes send with a selfie of our music video playing on a screen of a picture of her view.
I always treasured these snippets of sanctuary in between busy schedules and intense dance practices.
A moment where I could just converse with the one who I've fallen in love with.
-
It was the release of my solo song when I received a letter from Jennie. It was placed neatly in the center of my pillow - I later learned that it was Jungkook who placed it there by the instruction of Jisoo.
It was weird considering we had just been texting each other the day before.
My manager called out to me to quicken it up so I hurriedly placed the pastel green envelope inside the breast pocket of my coat and joined the others inside the van. Everyone looked worriedly at me, to which I asked why. They said Jisoo dropped the letter off with puffy eyes, like she'd been crying. Jin said Jisoo had been distant and jittery the past week but she never told him why nor did he ask her.
Namjoon was the one to bring us back to our reality as we stopped at the doors of the studio we were about to perform live.
We immediately switched our professional faces on as Jin exited the van. I breathed deeply following Jimin out and feeling the letter rustle in the pockets of my coat. I patted it for assurance before smiling for the camera.
-
It was before my performance of my solo song that I'd learned I had lost her.
We sat on our dressing room, still as statues, as we listened to Lisa's painful sobs on speaker. Jungkook, who thought Lisa was calling to congratulate us like she always does after a performance, had placed the call on speaker phone.
When we heard her pained voice say Jennie's gone followed by another sob, we couldn't help but not believe her. She's been known to play pranks. It was Yoongi who told her that it wasn't a nice prank. Her only response was a small voice saying she wished it were.
Everyone sat there with different reactions listening to Lisa's anguished cries. It wasn't until the stage manager knocked and told me two minutes to stage that I was placed in suspended animation. I stood up but I don't have control over my legs.
It was as if my body was going on auto pilot.
Namjoon tried to tell the stage manager to cancel my stage but I had stopped him and followed the manager out. I don't even know why I didn't just cancel out but I found that I couldn't - maybe because I wanted some way to let everything out and by performing I could give it my all. I couldn't forget everyone's pitied stare as I slowly exited the dressing room.
We'd talked the night before, she was okay then so why was this happening?
I couldn't remember much about what happened next, what I do remember is crying on the van all the way to the confines of my room.
-
It was the next day when another video of mine went viral, the performance of my solo song garnered attention. It looked like I was ready to cry any moment while I continued to sing my solo song. I hurriedly turned off my phone and had wanted to stay all day in bed, schedules be damned. I don't want to remember yesterday but the rustle of the letter inside my pocket was a constant reminder that it had really happened. I hadn't even changed my clothes from yesterday.
The door to my bedroom opened and Jisoo walked in. The boys must've let her in. There were still tears running down her face - she doesn't need to say anything, I knew what she was here for. She was then followed by Lisa who jumped on me, hugging me tightly while putting snot and tears into my shoulders. Chaeyoung quietly followed, looking all dried up, like she'd already cried herself dry but her lips quivered still.
The boys slowly gave me silent pats and condolences, everyone was openly crying - some trying to hold back their tears but to no avail. The moment, be it intimate and touching, was a reminder that Jennie really was gone - and this time for good.
It was the realization that made the dam in my eyes burst open. I sob out loud and hugged Lisa tighter.
My outburst seemed to propel emotions through the roof and everyone was openly crying now. The ones trying to hold back tears let them silently slide to their cheeks.
Anguish consumed me whole. I remembered every moment I had with Jennie and that seemed to plunge me deeper into agony.
Nobody said anything, nobody told me to man it up. Every single one in this room knew how much Jennie had meant to me. Everyone who knew us knew - everyone except her.
And now she's gone and I couldn't do anything about it.
Like trying to get a hold of the sands in an hourglass, I can't do anything but watch them slip away from my fingers - just like she'd slipped away from my life.
Namjoon made me take an indefinite hiatus but they choked it up to an injury. I felt bad for lying to the fans but it still hurt to think about Jennie and the thought that some would somehow find faults in her when they knew - I just can't.
I still stared at the unopened pastel green envelope and I had the urge to laugh. She knew I liked green but she still made it so it has a touch of her in it.
Tears started pooling in my eyes and I fell to my knees. No one knew but those close to us about how she'd affected my life. There were times where in interviews I wanted to shout her name and declare my one sided love but I knew I can't.
I've kept it all this time and now, it looks like I can't even let this go.
I just wished we had five more minutes. I just wished I'd never put our last call down. I just wished I never said good night.
I just wished we had more time.
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The winds rustled the tufts of curled hair peeking out from underneath a black cap. The man, wearing almost all black clothes walked the expanse of the green field - with only one destination in mind. The flowers in his hands, mixtures of purple hyacinths and orange blossoms with one pink hyacinth - her favorite.
The man was glad the place was almost empty, save for a few some who were visiting their family members.
It wasn't the first time he'd been overseas, but it was the first time he'd visit her. After all this time, nearly three years, he'd only had the courage to visit her.
They'd just released their latest song and he wanted her to hear it and maybe finally confess. The pastel green envelope still sat at the lowest drawer in his cabinet, left unread.
As he neared her, his eyes shone with unshed tears. He'd thought he was already dried up but it seemed that he still had some tears left to shed.
Reading the engraved letters of her name, he placed the flowers down and sat cross-legged in front of her.
"Hey, Jennie. I miss you."
Then the tears finally fell.
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