I was stumped as to what to do with all of the time I used to spend with Remus. The days had become unbearably longer and they were all the same. Get up, go to class, have a meal with Wilton, and then go to bed. But between dinner and bedtime, there was a couple hours of free time, which I couldn't fill.
What I said to Brook was untrue, of course, but it was the only way she would back down. I had no doubt that she didn't trust me; she didn't really have any reason to and she was certainly keeping an eye on me for any proof that could be used against me. As a result, I had to give up my regular visits to Remus, who had no idea what was going on.
When I didn't show up that night or the next, he began walking towards me with a concerned expression on his face when we happened to cross paths in the corridor the other day. I gave him a cold stare and shook my head, letting him know it wasn't a good idea. He came to a halt and gave me a questioning look, but I didn't respond and continued walking past him as if nothing had happened.
If he started behaving like me, I'd be pissed. And puzzled, unsure of what I had done wrong. Therefore, when everyone began to leave the room after the DADA lecture, I sent a ball of paper to his desk, knowing that Brook had already left. I wasn't able to linger long enough to see his reaction, but 'Potcher is watching' should be clear enough.
Later, it was time for detention at Snape's. I rarely got punishments from him, although he was more rude to me than to other students. He never said it out loud, but I thought it was his way of motivating me to perform better because I was actually the best in the year. At least I wanted to believe it.
When I walked in, he didn't look away from the Daily Prophet. "Page one hundred and fifty-two. The faster you make the potion, the faster you'll get out of here."
I felt like screaming when I saw that this potion must boil for at least a few hours. And when I saw the ingredients, I wanted to laugh. This guy had some newly created obsession with werewolves. Yes, I made a Wolfsbane Potion for him that evening.
It was quite late when I finished, but this was my only chance to talk to Remus. Brook was aware that I had detention, but she had no clue how long it would take, and she was most likely fast asleep. I crept up to the first floor and knocked on his door, hoping he was still awake.
When he opened it, he looked like I had woke him up. He was wearing a white T-shirt and loose sweatpants, thank goodness not shorts. He rubbed his eyes lazily. "Ethelyn? What are you doing here at this hour?"
"Did I wake you?" I asked as I went inside.
"No, I just finished the patrol." He replied, closing the door behind me. He remained still.
"What's wrong?"
He grimaced. "You tell me what's wrong. What's with Brook Potcher?"
He was nervous. Of course, who wouldn't be in his position? I could see why he was so stiff and kept his distance.
"Brook knows about us." I said quietly without meeting his eyes.
He took a deep breath. "I'm trying really hard not to blame you for this."
My gaze shot up at him. I think my mouth was open in shock. "You think I wanted it? You think I told her?"
Well, that wasn't too far from the truth. I didn't tell her, but she knew about it because of me. She was there when Jaylee came up with the idea. Hell, she herself encouraged me to do it. But Remus had no idea about it and the fact that he thought it was my fault stung a little.
He shrugged. "She's your friend."
"Former friend." I emphasised. "And you know it. Besides, why would I tell her about this?"
"To show off?" It sounded like he was trying to convince himself. "I don't know. You like gossiping."
I hid my face in my hands and let out an unidentified grunt of frustration. "It doesn't even matter, Remus. It happened." I took my hands off my face and looked at his tense form. "The most important thing is that she wants to use it against us."
He frowned and cocked his head a little. "That's why you avoided me."
I bit my lip and nodded. For some reason I was starting to get emotional but I was trying my best to suppress it. "I can't let her do that. I've already lost too much."
A moment of silence, an awkward one. He scratched the nape of his neck, not sure what to say. I was aware of what needed to be done, but the vision in which Remus as nothing more than a teacher filled me with melancholy.
"Right." He spoke. "You shouldn't be risking your education."
Was he stupid or dumb? It was kinda nice that he always thought of me first but I was tired of using my self-esteem for the two of us.
"No," I sighed. "You're too good to end this way, Remus. I can't risk that."
His eyes met mine. He didn't break eye contact as he approached me slowly, step by step and raised his hand to place it on my cheek. His gaze had an intensity that made my knees buckle under me.
"You don't even know how much that means to me." He whispered.
His actions showed me that. As if he was not used to the fact that other people were nice to him, that they thought about him or that they did something for him. At the beginning of the school year, I took it for being shy but there was more to that.
"So show me."
He had never put as much into our kisses as he did then. He was like a fire, devouring everything it encountered and leaving havoc behind. His hands were on my waist, then on my shoulders, in my hair and on my face, but eventually they grabbed my hips and put me on the table. Our breaths quickly became heavy and my mouth hot. It was the most incredible sensation I'd ever had.
I spread my legs so he could get closer. As I wrapped them around his hips and brought my body to his crotch, a low moan escaped his lips. Then he moved lower, to my neck and brushed my blonde hair aside. His lips tasted my skin like it was an exotic fruit. I felt my head spinning.
I raised my hands to the collar of my robe. My fingers were shaking ridiculously and I couldn't even grab the fucking clasp.
His chuckle sounded over my ear. "Allow me."
He pushed my hands aside and began to unbutton my clothes himself - first my robe, then my sweater, he even untied my tie. He was doing it all blindly because I pulled him into a kiss again. My fingers tugged at the edge of his T-shirt, suggesting he raise his hands but he didn't seem to notice.
"Hands. Up." I said in between kisses.
He froze for a moment, his tongue still on my lips. His stillness felt like an eternity but finally he raised his hands up and I pulled the fabric off him. I pulled away for a second to throw off my own clothes, remaining only in my white bra, then clung to his bare chest and pressed our lips together.
I put my hands on his chest and let them wander. When they came down and my fingers tightened around the belt of his trousers, he paused.
He rested his forehead against mine and asked with closed eyes, "Do you really want to do this?"
There was no universe in which I would answer that question with a 'no'. That was what I had in mind from the very beginning, that's what I was striving for. Only then it was just a something on my to-do list, now I wanted it from deep within me. This man filled my entire mind and my world at the moment. If I was never going to see him again like this, I needed to know what he was like. I wanted to end it with a bang. Literally.
"Stupid question, Remus." I gasped, "Don't make me wait."
He hesitated for two seconds, then grabbed my thighs and lifted me up. I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck to keep me from landing on the floor. Without using his wand, he opened that massive door to his bedroom, then he dropped me onto the bed, where I landed with a soft thud.
With one hand he was leaning on the mattress above my head, the other he placed on my knee and was moving it terribly slowly up under my skirt. I thought I'd explode. I grabbed its waist and pulled it off angrily. Remus' kissing lips formed a slight smile.
This time he took care of his trousers. Maybe it was a good thing, maybe my hands would still be shaking with hidden desire. Remus stood in front of me only in boxer shorts, lit by the warm light from the bedside lamp. I've never seen so much of his body at once. He never revealed himself to me like that and I saw he didn't feel comfortable with it.
I sat up on the bed and brought my hand to him. In the living room, I didn't have time to look at him, too absorbed in other things. Now I could see all of him and was sorry to see that he has been hiding the biggest scars under his clothes. I ran my finger lightly over one of them.
"Do they hurt?" I asked, looking up at him.
He turned his head and closed his eyes for a moment. "No, not anymore." Anything that caused those deep wounds had to have caused him a great deal of pain in the past. "Please don't mind that."
He, like everyone else, struggled with insecurities. I realized why he was so caring when he noticed the marks on my skin merely a week ago. He knew exactly how I felt and wanted to reassure me.
If he thought it would scare me away, he was wrong. I pulled him onto the bed and positioned myself above him. "You don't realize how hot you are right now." I murmured, brushing my lips over the scar under his collarbone.
I heard his breathing become heavy and sharp with each of my kisses on different parts of his body. I took my time, moved slowly down, not missing any scars along the way. As I reached the line of his underwear, he grabbed my hair and pulled me into a long, intense kiss. Not wanting to waste any time, I took off my panties and shed my bra with one hand. The corners of his mouth lifted slightly.
He put his hand around my waist and suddenly the roles changed, I was lying under him. He broke our kiss and disappeared from my sight. For a moment I felt desolate and cold but then his hands gripped my thighs, spreading them and touching me between them without a warning. I squeaked in surprise.
It was nothing new to me but it felt like this was the first time I was experiencing it. As if this was the right one, the good one. All the previous times didn't matter, they were not even a fraction of what was happening to me now. And that was only the second base. I didn't know if I could make it to first.
My hands were holding onto the mattress, but that wasn't enough anymore. I slid my fingers into his hair, possibly gripping it too tight sometimes. I couldn't hold back my moans, though I tried not to get carried away and be too loud. I didn't want to get ourselves into any more trouble.
I shattered into a thousand pieces right on his bed. My skin was a living fire; I was being flooded with a million sensations every second and it was too much, too overwhelming, and I had lost control.
Remus silenced me by crashing his lips into mine. He was greedy, strong and thirsty and I had the impression that his hands were everywhere on my body at the same time. All of his walls fell apart, he forgot about the excuses that had once limited him, and he gave himself completely to me.
He adjusted his position above me and I finally felt him, all of him in full. Sudden pain shot through me, my legs merged unintentionally and a muffled whimper escaped my mouth. He abruptly stopped.
"Don't tell me..." He didn't finish the sentence, not wanting to say it out loud himself.
I squeezed my eyes shut. I've never done anything more with boys. We touched here and there, but that was it. It wasn't that I didn't want it, I just couldn't. It has been a tradition in many pure-blooded families for the groom to be the bride's first, and my parents were all about traditions.
But my life was so messed up I didn't care about traditions or my family or the possible consequences. The only thing I was sure was that if I hadn't decided to do what I was doing then, I would have regretted it for the rest of this life. I also knew that if I had told Remus about it, he wouldn't have agreed to it, even though it was not his decision to make.
He rested his left hand on the mattress and lowered himself. His right hand went to the back of my head, and his face drifted to the back of my neck. It felt as though I was being hugged.
"Oh my... I'm sorry, Ethelyn, I-" He began to whisper, but it seemed ridiculous to me.
I cut him off, "What are you sorry for?" He rose slightly to look at me. I raised my hand and rubbed my thumb over his cheek. "Everything's perfect."
He gave me a half-smile which I wiped from his face by drawing him into a kiss.