Feelings are a funny thing. They are a pain in the ass. I can say they are good, wonderful. But I do not think I can. Mostly because I have been running from feeling anything for so long that I am somehow used to feeling numb all the time. So, currently feeling things...yeah, it's a little different. Also, fun fact I smile a lot nowadays without even realizing. The same girl who always had a stoic face, no expression at all. The same girl who was called weird because of her poker face, is now smiling randomly. Feelings apparently did that to me. That makes me wonder how was I when I was with Maize? I mean I remember myself and our time together I have no idea how other people saw us, mostly me? Was I smiling like crazy then too? Then how come Mr. Monroe never noticed? Maybe they never saw as I stayed inside my room if I was at my house or mostly, I stayed at Maize's, a thing both my parents despised.
Tori noticed my odd behavior, let's refer to it as that. Although I thought she would ask questions or worry but no all Tori did was wiggle her eyebrows at me. Guess what happened then. A strange phenomenon happened. A thing I have not felt in so long I forgot how to describe it. Blood rushed to my cheeks, and they became red in appearance. Also, known as blushing. I blushed, when Tori teased me. I, Kris, blushed. Such a normal thing yet it shocked the shit out of me. So much so that I went inside my room to check in the mirror and see if I was indeed blushing. Wow. Although that made Tori tease me more about this. Liz on the other hand wanted to know what I am thinking or about who, as she heard things. Apparently, Jeff starting to talk has become the talk of the town. And not just in our rumor specialized high school but throughout the whole town. Such an interesting town this is!
Thanksgiving this year was special. Also, I was right it was November when we saw Danny sober after what months and Jeff spoke again. I don't think it was only me who was unaware. Because when we got Thanksgiving break it shocked us, all of us. I remember we all looked at each other with wide eyes then laughed like crazy. Yeah, anybody watching us surely thought we were all crazy. But, for us we knew it was simply because we lost track of time. And this is our senior year. Yet here we are almost at the end of a semester, and we did not even know which month it was, let alone day.
This year at Thanksgiving nothing different happened than last year. Tori, Liz, Alex, James and I went to give food and clothes at shelters, then hospital. We also went to nearby group homes and gave toys to the kids there. Tori and Liz then announced they made special arrangements for all the older kids from there to come work with them as an internship. That made their day, while the younger ones were happy with the food and toys. Alex was extremely happy as one of the younger kids is her friend at school, a thing I did not know but Tori sure did. I enjoyed it so much. It felt special. Even though I never imagined doing anything like this on Thanksgiving but after doing it for two years now, I cannot imagine doing anything else on this day.
The rest of the Thanksgiving break was good too. We all stayed home and watched movies and enjoyed among ourselves. I did not even go to our hangout because it just did not make any sense. Although Jeff met me once or twice and we talked on the phone, a thing Liz noticed but Tori didn't. Alex was with me, she played but she seemed a little distant. I did not like that. I feel like I did something, but I cannot remember what though. James on the other hand was more than happy to jump around the whole house. Even though Alex is just six, but she acts a lot more mature than her age even now when she could just be angry, but she is not. She is avoiding me, like a damn grown up.
'What the hell did you do Kris?' Maize's ghost asks me.
'I have no idea.' I replied nonchalantly. Its normal for me to talk to Maize but we never talked about Alex like this. Although Alex did talk to her few times, but we have never talked about her. It's odd, isn't it?
Today is a Monday, starting the last week of school before winter break. Normal school that is without exams as they will be starting next week and will end next week as well. I want to say I am prepared for exams but then again who is actually prepared for them ever? As I walk into the school, I feel a shift in the atmosphere. Yes, the division is still there. Yes, people still look at me weirdly and talk as well. I think by now everyone knows I am Tori's younger sister yet still they make stories about me. And yes, people still look at our friends' group in a weird way because of Silver's death. As if that made us weird in any way. This school!
But today, the vibe was not the usual. Yes, those usual things were still present along with the stares that I still receive from people. Today though most of the students were busy looking at their phone watching something. Then they looked at me. Wait did someone send a video of me? But I did not do anything recently that would make an entertaining video? So, why? What is going on? Now I am curious as well. Finally, I reach my friends group, who seemed to be standing thousands of miles away. In reality they were few feet away from the entrance. But all of them were hunched over watching something. I cleared my throat to announce my presence. Somehow it felt like an appropriate way to greet this peculiar bunch of people, I call my friends.
"Heya Kris. Did you see this?" Jeff asks me after turning for a second to look at me.
"Umm...no. What is it? I just came to school." I offered as a reason. He just waved it down. Yeah, okay. I should have checked my phone and the rumor patrol group. But I never check it. I guess I should have now.
I take my phone out of my back pocket because for some unknown reason the jeans I wear all have smallest pockets known to people. Why are they so small? I mean my phone is bigger than the damn pocket and I put my headphones in my pocket as well. Anyway, I could vent about that later on. Now I need to check whatever this is. I unlock my phone and slowly go to the group dreading to open it every second. Finally, I open it to see so many texts. I ignore and just scroll down and see there is a video there. After debating for about a minute I press play.
It's a video of Lee and someone girl blowing smoke into each other's mouths. Someone else laughs in the background. But the way the video is shot it seems like Lee and this girl is almost kissing. It's very intimate that's for sure. Not just what Lee and that girl is doing the whole setting of the video. I did not like it at all. I saw it about two to three times. That's too many for me already. The whole video now lives rent free in my brain and I already hate it.
I did not say anything to any of my friends who were all very eager for my input. Makes sense because Lee is my best friend. But I have no idea who the other girl is, or who took the video. Although I feel like I know that girl from somewhere yet, I cannot place her. It does not matter now. It was obvious from the video that Lee and the girl are close and that they enjoyed their weekend a lot. I mean I did not distance myself from Lee, but it sure feels like it nowadays. Or maybe I did unknowingly because of my stupid feelings. I walked to my locker did my thing and then walked to my first class. Interestingly enough I do not think I share this class with Lee. A fact I am particularly glad about now. Although the stares are not helping. It's not me in the video so why are people looking at me like that? Did I miss something in the video?
I took out my phone yet again and checked it. No. It's still the same. But this time I noticed someone posted the video, whose name is scratched away but the caption that person gave stayed, 'catch me if you can'. Who is it referred to? The smoke? Or Lee? How does it matter? It's not like Lee will tell me who they are or that I can ask her directly. I mean I can I guess as a friend. But won't I look too eager and weird? I don't think I have ever asked Lee things like this. That's strange though, isn't it? Lee has asked me about who I like, she teased me about Diane. But I have never. Suddenly my mind flashes to a day last year when Lee asked me to skip school with her and we went to the hangout to chill. I remember the tension we felt that day, that indescribable pull between us. Huh! Maybe we have always had this sort of pull but I always ran. The realization made me stunned.
Teacher came, class began but I was lost. Shocked, stunned and dazed. I took notes and played my role as a student by being a robot. I walked to my second class still dazed and lost. I have no idea how I operated because I do not recall anything. I got suddenly woken up when someone shouted something but not to me. To the person on my right who is currently holding my shoulders. I blink a few times to adjust my eyes and turn to look. I spot forest green eyes staring at me while red hair is floating around her face. I put her hair behind her ears, to which I receive a smile. Lee is still looking at me as if...I do not know. I frown at her while someone shouts yet again. This time I hear it. And it's nothing good.
Lee does not pay any attention to whatever that guy is shouting. She is intently looking at my face and our faces are very near to each other for my liking. I want to scoff and say, 'your girlfriend will mind'. But I don't. Instead, I remain staring at Lee as if we are in a contest and whoever moves their eye will lose. I am not sure what will the person win though? I am curious. Maybe that is why neither of us are breaking the eye contact. I am still stunned though or maybe a little jealous as well. Okay who am I kidding? I am a lot jealous, but I will not tell her that. I felt betrayed not because of my feelings but because I thought she is my best friend. and yet there is this video of hers with a girl I do not know, and I also have no idea when this video was taken. Am I wrong to be jealous though?
Teacher started class which is why we broke our staring contest. Yet, Lee remained sitting beside me. Rather close to my chair for my liking as well as the teacher, who commented on it. Yet, she did not move. I don't know maybe it is because of the video or maybe she saw something in my eyes. Who knows? With Lee I don't think anyone knows. Hey, I just realized she is just as mysterious as me. Except I told her stuff about me, but she never told me. Does that still make us best friends if I know so little about her? Does it matter? Oh no my thoughts are all over the place today. Dammit!
Lunch was awkward. Well for me. Not for Lee as she chose to not go to the canteen today. A good idea but I didn't know. Hence, I sat with our friends who asked me about the video and if I know anything about the girl. Apparently, they all feel they know her but cannot place her. Great! They also asked me how Lee is coping with the not so nice words being thrown at her by some students. Many people invited her to parties though, that was odd. A thing I did unfortunately shared with our friends, and they asked me more questions regarding it, and I could not answer any of them. It made me feel so awkward. One thing happened though, Jeff noticed my behavior and he had this look on his face. I think he figured out who I have feelings for. Should it be a good thing or bad?
After fifth period I went to library to work on one of my assignments. Lee was there. I sat in front of her. She eyed me yet did not say anything. I just felt out of place. I shrugged it off and started working on my assignment. I finished it in record time. Guess when I need to avoid something, I can concentrate on my studies pretty easily. Lee noticed I was done yet she made no move to talk. Not that I was dying to talk to her though. No. Not anymore. I was after lunch or maybe before. Now, I am sad, still jealous but mostly sad. Also, this video made me realize Lee might like girls or one particular girl, the one in the video. She looked good I will give her that. That's about all the compliment I will give her.
School ended and we all walked outside. Today we were supposed to go my house. Lee and I that is, to study. Our study session was supposed to be held there. But right now, I am not sure if that is a good idea. I started to walk when Lee came by my side with her bike.
"Hop on Kris." Lee just ordered. I rolled my eyes but still hopped on. It's a long way for me to walk to my home.
We did not talk the whole way to my house. We went in and settled ourselves in my room after gathering some snacks for us. Alex saw us and she gave me the stink eye. I have to talk to her soon. One person at a time, I thought to myself. We took our books out and started studying. Talking about it and nothing more. Although I did notice Lee looking at me from time to time.
After some time, I think Lee could not take this weird silence anymore. "So, you do not want to ask anything about the video?" She asked rather irritated.
I scoffed, and muttered, "as if."
"What? What did you just say?" Lee asked instantly.
"Nothing. I just...nothing." I nodded as if I am answering Lee with that.
Lee did not seem satisfied. She breathed out before speaking again. "That was Liv by the way. Olivia Everett. You met her at Silver's funeral. And Mackenzie took that video of us. It was during Thanksgiving break this year. I went to their house, and we all enjoyed. As you saw in the video. It was not meant to be posted. Yet, Liv accidentally posted it from my phone but then Kenzie noticed it and I took it down. But apparently rumor patrol in our school got it and decided to spread it today."
"Okay."
"That's it. That's all you are gonna say, Kris?" Lee asks me almost baffled at my reply. I am too, I guess. But then again, what else do I say?
"What do you want me to say Lee? I saw the video. I thought I recognized her but could not remember her. Other than that, yeah, I saw it. It looked like you were having fun and enjoying yourself. So, what do you want me to say Lee?"
"Nothing, I guess. I just thought...never mind. Doesn't matter what I thought." Lee huffed. She sounds disappointed in my reply. But why? I cannot show her I am jealous. Can I? I mean after I realized how long this thing has been between us and I ignored it till now. A thing I am sure Lee did not ignore. So, do I still have the right to show my jealousy when I clearly flaunted my girlfriend to her face?
"Lee...I..." She looks up with a different emotion on her face. One that I cannot place. But I couldn't complete what I want to say. "Umm you are coming to the Secret Santa party this year, right?"
"Yes, of course Kris. Why wouldn't I?"
"I just thought...nothing."
"Kris tell me."
"I just thought you would want to enjoy with your friends. I don't make much sense."
"Umm...you clearly do. And you have certainly have an opinion, but you will not tell me. Okay. I thought we tell each other everything but I guess not."
"Really Lee?" I asked appalled. "Did you forget to mention the existence of your friends then? Because I did not know Liv or Kenzie and I have just met them once. Yet, I know they are your good friends. And you failed to mention you spent Thanksgiving with them. When I texted you during the break to hangout you could have told me you were spending time with them, yet you ignored me for hours and then texted 'sorry'. That was it. Remember Lee?"
"I remember. I am sorry Kris. I didn't ignore you. I really saw your texts later. Way later."
"Yeah, well we could have hung out then as well. But you didn't want to. You could have told me that instead." Lee is looking down now. "Just tell me one thing did Alice know?"
"Know what?"
"Where you were Lee? Everything." Lee looked at me and hesitated. I got my answer from it. I just nodded. "Tell me something did you at least enjoy yourself?"
"Yes, I did. It was crazy fun. We three behaved like crazy human beings before Bash joined."
"Who is Bash?"
"Liv's older brother. He was home as well. But he joined us later on, he usually never does but this year he was with us."
"Oh cool." I don't know what to say anymore. "Come on let's just finish studying." I urged her to concentrate back to our studies. Even though I am myself not at all in the mood to study anymore.
What I want to do is shout. Shout at past self especially my last year's self. Because I have been stupid all along. No wonder Jeff was telling me not to run. Guess I have been running for long. This time I need to stop and face it. Does not matter if there is a Liv or a Bash or a Kenzie, whoever they are. I need to take a step and be Kristina Monroe. And I definitely need to be my charming self. And for that I need your help Maize. It's an odd thing to ask. Extremely odd actually but here I am somewhat asking.
'And here I am offering to help. Also, it's not odd Kris. It's about time you faced your feelings for Charlie and did something about it.' Maize replied looking at me smiling. That shocked me but then I smiled back at her. I am very aware of Lee looking at me smiling because she cannot see my dead ex's ghost smiling at me and offering her help to get Lee. Whoa! This is a new level of complicated even for me!
Christmas this year will surely be interesting.