Kabanata 39
"Mila," I called her.
I always imagined Mila to be beautiful even if she was already old. Isa siguro siya sa mga itatago pa ang larawan dahil walang kupas ang ganda n'ya. And she indeed remained beautiful even if she already has a kid. Ni hindi nga masyadong nagbago ang itsura n'ya.
"Paulene," Mila responded hesitantly. Yakap-yakap n'ya ang kan'yang anak, kinarga n'ya ito at tumikhim.
"Uh, kamusta ka?" Mila asked.
"I'm doing great! Sana ikaw rin," I smiled at her, stiffly.
"Mi, nakita na ba si Mave?" tarantang tanong ng isang lalaki mula sa malayo.
Napalingon ako sa lumapit sa direksyon namin ni Mila. Isang matangkad at matipunong lalaki ang lumitaw sa harapan ko. He was panting, probably because he had run towards us. He glanced at me before returning his gaze on Mila.
"Uh, pwede mo ba kunin si Mave? Love?" Mila smiled at the guy who immediately carried his child. Yumakap si Mave sa kan'yang ama nang mahigpit.
"Mauna na muna kami," the guy smiled at me before departing from us. Mave even waved her hand to bid goodbye. Agad ko itong binigyan nang mabilis na tugon. She's cute. Maganda ang lahi nila.
"Can we talk?" tanong ni Mila nang wala na ang mag-ama n'ya. Muli ay ngumiti naman ako.
"Sure, tungkol saan?"
"A-about what happened before. . ."
"Alin doon? Marami kasing nangyari noon. . ." mapait kong saad. Pain and regret crossed her eyes. Pero hindi ako natinag dahil ang totoo ay kulang pa 'yon.
I understand how Gio felt now. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam nang hindi ka bigyan ng sapat na rason para sirain ang buhay mo. Yes, I'm at fault too. Pero maayos na sana kami kung hinayaan n'ya ako kausapin siya no'ng lugmok na lugmok ako sa mga binabato sa akin na masasakit na salita ng mga sumusuporta sa kan'ya.
Did I deserve all of those harmful threats? No. I wanted to sue them for it. Subalit magaling lang naman sila dahil nakatago sila sa mga screens nila. Bahag naman ang kanilang mga buntot kapag sa totoong buhay na. Kaya naman kahit ilang beses kong iniyakan ang mga binabato nila sa akin, natuto naman akong tumanggap ng mga puri.
I use to dislike being complimented because I thought it was shear dishonesty. It was only to alleviate my feelings. To make me feel good somehow. Ang totoo pala ay katotohanan 'yon. That I may look lovable and good in someone else's perspective. In their eyes, I was worthy. And no one can take change the way they view things but themselves.
"I think we should talk in a dinner table. Pwede ka ba sumama sa amin? Sa bahay?" yakag ni Mila sa akin.
Pilit kong kinukubli ang nararamdaman na iritasyon.
"Sige."
"Nandoon si Mama. . ." Mila momentarily winced. "Mo."
"Ah, sure. Pwede bang sabihin mo na lang ang address? Ako na lang mismo ang pupunta dahil ilalagay ko pa itong pinamili ko sa condo ko."
My gripped on the paperbag tightened. Hindi ito nakita ni Mila dahil nagawa n'ya akong nginitian. She probably can't read the room, o baka sadyang gusto n'ya lang makita na hindi ako mapakali.
Ang ganda-ganda ng buhay n'ya. She's successful. She has her own family. She even calls my mother as her Mom. Na para bang siya talaga ang niluwal nito sa mundo. I wasn't even given the chance to experience her love for me. Kung naranasan ko man, sa napakaikling panahon lang 'yon.
I suffered for years because of her. Subalit hindi naman ito bumalik sa kan'ya. Hindi ko naman hinihiling na bumalik ito sa kan'ya pero parang hindi siya tinatamaan ng karma. While I was on the lowest of the low, she continuously grew to be on top. She was showered eith blessings as I plummet down to the lowest.
It dawned on me. Life is not fair because people are naturally unfair. It's not because the world is not balanced, it's because the treatment of the people inhabiting this cosmos are not all the same. We treat others depending on how we perceive them. We treat someone bad when we think they're evil but not everyone will treat them bad because not everyone thinks the person is evil. We treat someone good because we think they deserve all the kindness in the vicinity, but not everyone would treat them with kindness because not all people think that they are good.
It really all boils down to perspectives.
Naging masama man si Mila sa akin, she wasn't bad to others. Hindi ko rin naman siya masisi kahit na sobra talaga ang naranasan ko dahil sa kan'ya. She's not aware of what I've gone through. We cut our communication when she blocked me.
It even came to the point that I was physically assaulted, mabuti na lang at nakuha ni Etienne ang CCTV sa parking lot kaya naman nakapag-demanda ako. Yet, the humiliation were engraved on my heart. Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan kung paano nila ako trinatong putik noon. Na kaya nilang tapak-tapakan.
"Sige, Paulene. Kita na lang tayo sa bahay namin." Mila smiled at me. It made me feel awful that I can't return it genuinely. I forced a smile before going back to my car.
Pinaharurot ko ang aking sasakyan pabalik sa condo unit ko. I was trembling on my way and I collapsed on the floor when I finally reached my unit.
Ang tagal na no'ng huling kausap ko sa kan'ya. Si Papa na lang ang nakakausap ko at kinakamusta ko mula nang kumalat ang balita na nagkaroon ng hidwaan sa aming dalawa.
I took a slow bath trying to calm my nerves. Pinakiramdaman ko ang bawat patak ng tubig sa aking balat. Every fiber of my being was eminently affected by the sudden invitation.
My phone beeped. Sinilip ko ito at nakitang may text si Etienne.
Etienne:
Samahan mo ako. Second wedding ni Adren.
Paulene:
Malaki ka na. Kaya mo na 'yan. Send na lang ako ng moral support.
Etienne:
Nandoon si Gio.
Paulene:
Nandoon din si Lavy.
Etienne:
Lol. The more reason you should go with me.
I'm not sure what's between Etienne and Lavender. The both of them are very secretive and I know that I'm not the only person who's curious about them. Alam kong may namamagitan sa kanila subalit hindi ko alam kung ano 'yon. At mukhang wala silang balak ipaalam kung ano 'yon sa akin. I'm not in the same circle anyway. May pera naman na ako pero kung ikukumpara sa kanila, I was still lacking.
I agreed and went towards my closet after drying myself with a towel. I slowly rummaged through my clothes to find something to wear. Nagkataon naman na 'yong mga branded na damit na regalo ni Arya ang natira. It was a green floral long dress with slits on the side. Long sleeves din ito kaya naman kwintas at hikaw na lang ang sinuot ko na alahas.
Ilang beses pa akong humugot ng hininga habang nakatingin sa salamin. I decided to bun my hair to emphasized my features. One thing that I learned about myself for the past years is I don't really look good when my hair is down. Nagmumukha akong bruhilda.
I drove my car to the exclusive subdivision where Mila lives. Gabi na nang makarating ako pero buhay na buhay sa ilaw ang kanilang bahay. It was a modern house, with its flat roofs and minimalistic materials. Pinindot ko ang doorbell nila at sumalubong sa akin ang asawa ni Mila.
He gaped at me before smiling. "Hi! You must be Paulene. Pasok ka. I'm Ulysses, Mila's husband."
I smiled back at him, "Hello."
Pumasok kami sa bahay nila, I even saw their car on their garage. Ulysses gave me a pair of slippers because I was about to take my sandals off. They're really homely.
"Paulene, anak!"
Sinalubong ako ni Mama pero agad akong lumihis ng direksyon. Natigilan naman si Mama sa ginawa ko pero hindi na n'ya ito tinanong dahil agad n'yang binuhat si Mave, ang anak ni Mila.
"Lola, who is she?" Mave asked.
"She's your Lola's daughter," ani Mama na nagbigay ng dahilan para umirap ako.
"Mommy's sister?"
"No, baby. She's just my daughter. Not your Mom's sister. . ."
Hindi ko na nasundan ang mga sumunod nilang usapan. What I know is the resentment in my heart cannot be tamed with her flowery words. Mila emerged from the kitchen, may nilapag siyang roast chicken sa harap ng dining table nila. Ang nga kubyertos nila ay halatang gawa sa mamahalin na materyales. They were indeed well off.
"Paulene, kain muna tayo." Mila smiled at me which made me feel uneasy. Nakakuha naman siya ng sagot sa patutukatok ko ng aking ulo.
I sat beside no one. At sa buong oras ng pagkain namin ng hapunan ay wala silang ginawa kundi magsitawanan. There were no dull moment for them during the entire time. Ako naman ay naiilang dahil sanay ako'ng kumain mag-isa.
"Paulene, binibisita mo pa ba si Papa mo? Baka nakalimutan mo na kami ah," Mama laughed that sounds like mealy-mouthed.
"Opo." Ngiti ko sa kan'ya. Kinalimutan na kita. I stopped myself because I don't want to disrespect the food. Mamaya ko na lang siya kakausapin dahil matagal na rin nang huling usap namin.
I didn't even enjoy the food. Masarap naman pero nakakaumay makita si Mama na sinusubuan 'yong anak ni Mila. I took a quick gulp from my drink. Nang matapos si Mave kumain ay umakyat na sila ng Papa n'ya papunta sa pangalawang palapag at naiwan kaming tatlo.
"Paulene, kamusta ka?" panimula ni Mama.
"I'm good. Sana kayo rin. . ." balik ko sa kan'yang tanong. Lumawak ang ngiti ni Mama sa kan'yang mukha.
"Mabuti naman at inayos mo na ang buhay mo. Kitang-kita ko kung paano ka nag-pursigi, Paulene. I'm proud of you." ani Mama at sumimsim sa kan'yang wine. Nanatiling tahimik si Mila habang nagsasalin ng wine sa kan'yang baso. Ngayon pa lang siya iinom dahil wala na si Mave. She's probably showing another side to her daughter.
"I'm proud of myself too," I smiled even if my lips were quivering from hatred. Tama. I'm proud of myself for all of the things that I've gone through without them in my life.
"Pero wala ka pang asawa? Hindi naman pwedeng puro lang tayo trabaho, Paulene. Tatanda kang dalaga n'yan." Halakhak ni Mama sa nakaririnding paraan.
"Wala naman pong mali sa gano'n, Tita. . ." sabat ni Mila sa usapan.
"Naku, Mila. Sabi ko naman sa 'yo na Mama na lang ang itawag mo sa akin. Kinagagalak kong dalawang anak ang napalaki ko nang maayos." Mama said, smugly. It made my eyes twitched.
Natawa ako. Nilakasan ko ito nang todo para ramdam nila. I laughed so hard that Mama and Mila looked at my direction with their full attention centralizing on me.
"Ah? Sorry, akala ko joke." I laughed and wiped a few tears from my eyes. What a joke.
"Joke na ano?" ani Mama.
"Na pinalaki mo ako'ng maayos. Dahil sa pagkakatanda ko, si Mila lang ang inalagaan mo."
Natigalgal si Mama sa sinabi ko. I have no regrets. I won't let her disrespect me ever again. I won't let her trampled on me like I'm a piece of crap. Hindi ko na siya hahayaan na sirain ang binuo ko para sa sarili ko. I had to build walls around me because of her.
"P-paulene!" histerikal na sigaw ni Mama at nagawa pa akong titigan nang matagal. "Ano ba ang sinasabi mo?!"
"Tita!" saway ni Mila sa nahahapong paraan. "Please, lets settle this peacefully. We're here to fix things. To live in harmony. . ."
My head tilted to her direction. Hindi ko napigilan ang umismid sa kan'ya. Ang kapal ng mukha nilang humingi ng kapayapaan na para bang ako pa ang nanggulo sa kanila?!
"That's right, Paulene." Mama smiled, even nodding her head. Lumapit siya sa akin at akmang yayakapin ako.
"We forgive you, Paulene. Pinapatawad ka na ni Mila." Mama uttered.
Nanginginig ako. Sa galit. Sa kataksilan. Sa lahat ng sakit na dinulot nila sa akin pero ni isang aksyon na nagpapakita ng kanilang konsensya ay wala akong natanggap. Walang dumating sa akin. Nanatili akong isang uhaw na halaman sa kanilang paghingi ng kapatawaran.
I shed a tear.
Ang dali-dali lang nilang sirain 'yong binuo ko. Akala ko ang tatag ko na. Akala ko matapang na ako. Akala ko malakas na ako. Subalit ang dali-dali lang nila akong gibain. Para ako'ng pinakidlatan sa gitna nila. At nagdiwang pa sila dahil doon.
I was sapped by their lack of remorse for what happened. I can't feel anything but the loud thumping of my heart against my chest.
"Excuse me?" matigas kong saad. "Pinapatawad n'yo na ako? Para saan?"
"Paulene, this is a misunderstanding. Tita, pwede bang kami muna ni Paulene magusap, please?" pagmamakaawa ni Mila kay Mama.
"Sige. Sana naman ay pumayag ka, Paulene." Mama said.
"Pumayag?" naguguluhang tanong ko.
"Bilang simbolo ng pagbati n'yo ay sana kuhanin mong model si Mila sa kompanya kung saan ka nagta-trabaho! Aba, sabi ng Papa mo ay malaki-laki ang kita mo roon! Hindi na nga kita hinihingian. Ang tanging hiling ko lang sana ay kuhanin mo si Mila bilang brand ambassador ng -"
I trembled and stood.
"Shut up, shut up!" I shouted out of wrath. Nangangatal ako ngayon at hindi ko mapigilan ang pag-iyak ko. I tried to swallow the lump on my throat and remained calm but the rage inside me can't be tamed.
Ang sakit-sakit sa puso ko. Nakakagimbal ng kalooban. Ni hindi ko mahanap ang lakas para harapin sila ngayon. What was I expecting anyway?
"Paulene! Ano bang nangyayari sa 'yo?" galit na tugon ni Mama.
"Tita, please. Umalis ka na lang. Puntahan mo muna si Mave. Hindi rin naman ito tungkol doon. I told you I just want to talk to her about something. Hindi ito yon," ani Mila na tila naiiyak na rin. I shot her a quick glare.
"Aba?! Ngayon na nga lang siya nagkaroon ng silbi tapos ipagdadamot n'ya pa sa 'yo? Umangat lang siya ay tumaas na ang ihi n'ya?" pasaring ni Mama sa akin. Lalong uminit ang ulo ko.
She traumatized me. And she never felt sorry for it. Lalong bumuhos ang mga luha ko.
People can be so apathetic sometimes. Nakasakit na sila pero parang sila pa ang naagrabyado.
Ang dali-dali lang niyang itapon ang nararamdaman ko. Ang sakit. Ang pangungulila. Ang mga nagawa nila at sinabi nila sa akin.
It made me realized something about people in general.
They can never see themselves in your shoes because they don't want to be on your shoes. They don't want to be you. They don't want your life. That's why it's easy for them to invalidate what you feel - they'll never fit in your shoes. You were given that kind of pain because you're the only one capable of surpassing it.
Pinahid ko ang mga luha ko.
"Ano bang ginawa ko sa 'yo? W-why do you hate me this much?" I asked her, genuinely. Humihikbi sa sobrang sikip ng dibdib.
"Paulene, ikaw ang rason kung bakit ako minamaliit noon. At ngayon naman ay nagmamatigas ka na para bang sobrang angat ka na!" bulyaw ni Mama. "Hindi ako nagkamali nang sabihin ko na sana ay hindi na lang kita naging anak!"
I was too shocked to respond. It enthralled me to feel the catastrophic nostalgia.
"Tita! Nasa itaas lang sina Mave!" Mila hissed, angrily. "Please, kahit kami na lang muna ni Paulene. . ."
Nahimasmasan naman si Mama at agad akong tinalikuran para umakyat. Her hatred for me is deep and I cannot fathom it. I will never understand her hatred for me. But maybe not all parents are fit to be one. And maybe her hatred from me stems from her own experience. Pinagbuntunan na lamang n'ya ako dahil ako 'yong anak n'ya. She's probably a mother who also needed mothering.
I kept on hiccuping while pushing my tears away. Inabutan ako ni Mila ng tissue ngunit tinabig ko ito.
"Ano?!"
"C-can we talk outside? Please?"
Pinaunlakan ko naman siya. We decided to outside and walked towards a near park. Naging saksi pa ang mga bituin at ang buwan sa amin ngayong gabi.
"P-paulene, I swear this isn't about the brand ambassador thing. I have no interest in that. I'm into family vlogging now. Hindi na ako masyado sa mga beauty related vlogs kaya impossible 'yon. . ." she cried but I couldn't feel anything. Nakatingin lang ako sakan'ya.
"Just tell me what you want. Gusto ko 'tong matapos ito. I also want peace, Mila." pagsusumamo ko sa kan'ya.
"I'm sorry." Mila sobbed, looking crestfallen. "I'm sorry, Paulene."
I kept on trying to stay calm but my raging heart didn't want to. Kaya naman hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko na mapasigaw sa sobrang galit at sama ng loob.
"Y-you traumatized me! You let others hate m-me because of a misunderstanding Mila! You didn't even l-let me speak with you and fix things! B-bakit ngayon lang?!" sabay-sabay kong tanong. Para bang binuksan ang matagal ko nang dinidibdib.
"I acted out of impulse! I felt betrayed, Paulene. No'ng ginawa ko 'yong video ay aminado akong hindi ako nagi-isip." She cried harder. "T-tapos no'ng nahimasmasan ako ay agad ko naman itong naisipan i-delete pero hindi ko alam paano papatigilan 'yong mga f-fans noon. . ."
"You blocked me!" singhap ko.
"Because I feel ashamed! Okay! Nahiya ako sa 'yo! Kasi alam kong mali. Sabi ng Manager ko noon ay hindi ko pwedeng bawiin ang sinabi ko. I thought that maybe if I told my fans that I forgive you, they'll stop. I'm so sorry, Paulene. Walang araw na hindi ko pinagsisihan 'yong video na 'yon. . ."
"That's not true." Umiling-iling ako. Marahas ito at paulit-ulit. "You don't feel sorry! Gusto mo lang isipin na wala kang kasalanan! That you deserve all of your blessings! Pero ang totoo ay sinira mo ang buhay ko dahil lang sa video na 'yon!"
If she really felt sorry, why didn't she clear things? She was still thinking of her reputation instead of me. Mas inuuna n'ya kung ano iisipin sa kan'ya kumpara sa mga sasabihin sa akin.
"Pau, I'm really sorry. . ." she wailed. Tinakpan pa n'ya ang kan'yang mukha.
"Alam mo b-ba, Mila? Siguro may anak na rin ako n-ngayon. Baka kalaro pa ni Mave. At siguro asawa ko na rin si Gio kung hinayaan mo ako'ng kausapin ka no'n. . ." humihikbing pahayag ko. That maybe I could have built myself better with Gio if I didn't let Mila controlled my emotions and actions. I have a lot of regrets because I let her trampled on me.
"I'm sorry. . ." She sobbed once again, namumula na ang ilong sa kakahikbi. "I'm so sorry, Paulene."
"You were selfish, Mila. Walang mali sa unahin ang sarili mo. Yet loving yourself doesn't mean letting others suffer on your behalf. Iba 'yon, Mila."
I left without anything to say anymore. Do I forgive them? Yes. Can I forget? Never.
Sometimes, forgiveness doesn't mean that the trauma becomes relent. It is still there and it becomes more natural just like breathing. Hindi naman 'yon nawawala, nalalampasan lang.
"Namamaga mata mo," Etienne pointed out while touching my eyes. Nasa pangalawang kasal kami ni Adren at Arrisea.
They were also married to Balesin and now they also opted for a church wedding. Nakakainggit sa totoo lang pero pareho naman talagang bagay 'yong dalawa sa isa't isa. At saka, mapera naman sila.
Nahiya ako sa sobrang lapit ni Etienne sa akin kaya naman tinabig ko ang kan'yang kamay.
"Ano ba," saway ko at agad na iniwas ang tingin nang makita si Gio, it is still awkward between the two of us.
"Pupunta lang muna ako sa labas."
"Okay," Etienne nodded.
Lumabas muna ako para magpahangin. I wanted to breathed for a while. Napansin ko ang isang lalaki na may kausap sa kan'yang phone. Pinatay n'ya ang tawag nang mapansin ako.
"Yes po?" his tone was low but friendly. Nakangiti siya sa akin kaya naman hindi ko maiwasan purihin ang dimples n'ya. He looks good. Almost too good.
"Uh, wala naman. Sorry, na-istorbo ko ba ang katawagan mo?"
"No, it's okay. It's also quite rude for me to answer a call during a wedding." He chuckled lightly. Napangiti rin ako, his laugh is contagious.
"Hindi naman," I shook my head.
"Do you believe that endings are unnecessary?" he asked which made me widened my eyes. What a random question, it reminds me of Etienne somehow.
"Hm?"
"Some people are afraid of endings, they believe that it means complete abyss and oblivion. Yet, the truth is, endings are necessary for people to begin again. To start another set of trials and errors to succeed. So, don't be afraid of endings and start looking forward to another beginning." He smiled at me with genuine fondness and I can't help but smile back. Para siyang anghel. Maybe he's even the epitome of an archangel if they exist in our realm.
"Paulene," I extended my hand to introduce myself.
He accepted my gesture and I can't help but notice the softness of his skin. Nakarinig ako ng mga hakbang ng tao na biglang nagsipuntahan sa pintuan ng simbahan. I almost got dragged along but I kept looking at him. He smiled at me with a hint of mystery.
"CL," he mouthed. "Look at your right. Goodluck to your new beginning, Paulene."
Agad naman akong napalingon dito at nakitang binato na pala ni Arrisea 'yong bouquet n'ya. It was tossed to my direction and for some reason, I caught it. I was still in dazed when people congratulated me. Ni hindi ko nga alam na nagbabatuhan na!
Napalingon ako sa direksyon nina Gio na agad namula ang tenga nang makita na nakuha ko 'yong bulaklak. I smiled. Indeed, to new beginnings.
❛ ━━━━━━･❪보라해❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜
I'm sorry for not updating yesterday po! I updated Bits of Chemistry yesterday so for those who are interested in Etienne, Lavy, and CL; you can add BOC on your library now. Thank you so much for the support and love, I appreciate it very much! I stan you!
- all of my love, li