SHIN
It was sour luck. To find a public restroom with a lock on its main door. I found one- my fingers kept tearing sheets after sheets of tissues from a roll mounted to the wall. My hands tremble when I mashed it firmly against my nose. But the cycle seems to be the most spontaneous one so far. My anxiety shot up at the view of stained tissues bunching up in the dry marble sink of the venue. The music from the after-party of the runway show I attended and participated in could be heard without a miss.
I scoff and laugh at the same time, the word participated and the runway coming off in one sentence boosts my sarcastic mirth. I cough when the metallic taste of blood slickly stimulates my tongue. And before I know, a thin trail of blood trails by the corner of my lip.
It began to feel like a punishment. For one good thing that happened today to remind me of why I shouldn't be living in an illusion. When sera offered Edmund and I with the incredible idea of a spring collaboration with a style inspired by the book and using it as a stage to cast the official announcement for the movie- there wasn't any objection to it. But when she offered me to be the stopper of the show with her- I couldn't move a muscle in my body.
I thought she was joking.
She wasn't.
The one mystery that always came with the Kim siblings is their mode of comic. You don't know when they switch- a second they joke, the other they don't.
"I know a good walk when I see one. The command you have over your heels- I envy them"
But envious was her faith in me that got me into the ramp. The eyes on me would have been spears on skin if it wasn't for sera who sneakily mumbled when were getting our makeup done.
A stroke of peach blush on my cheek-
"Lee is among the audience"
I pale under the layer of foundation.
"He won't miss this for anything. That's so sweet"
It's not sweet, anything else but. Not when we haven't had a proper conversation in weeks, he either doesn't look my way or doesn't stay in the city so our paths aren't crossed. Scratch that- he doesn't even let our paths to intersect, let alone walk together in the same lane. So when I faced the crowd, I selfishly wished for his absence. If he was planning on letting me fend for myself- I might as well not depend on him. But to rejoice the last of my wishes without him was curdling my insides.
It was unnatural to be on the other side of his monotonous stare when I was ready to risk it all for him. I don't want to hide anymore. For once I wanted to throw myself into his arm and cry my heart out. Let my tears speak the pain I can't fathom myself. I want to tell him everything.
But wasn't to be heard a chore too- I can't bind a person that kept slipping away farther with days. All I could do was wait till I can't-
I thought of my family. Mom and her smile, Dad her his charms, Hwan and the boy he is today. Stupid, but with the right amount to go with. He is splendid when it comes to studies, his academic growth was a genetic gift from Mom. He might follow in her footsteps someday. Become a doctor- carry the legacy. But now I cannot take him seriously, but again- he is the first person that came to my mind. He was there by the shadows backstage- with a fruit bar and water. Asking me to not embarrass him by fainting or tripping. He was gruelingly concerned, fixing his emotions with occasional jabs.
I had pulled him into a hug, he was getting taller and taller by the day. But with the heels I had on, he only stood inch more-
"Thank you"
I whisper resting my cheek on his lean and boney shoulder. When he doesn't respond Is when I was sure of his guilt. He wasn't bleached with it, Hwan still thinks it was his fault. If I wasn't so keen on saving him- I could have ran off to safety that day. Sometimes it's evident how he treats me the toughest means possible so I could feel less vulnerable.
My brother was an living act with a kind heart that is traumatized by his own annoying brain.
So it's him I thought of calling first if the nosebleed won't stop. He was out there – he can help me. Fiddling with the clutch I surf the small canister of medicine that I always keep at hand for the headaches, when I find them I exhale with relief. Once I swallowed the pills without water I craned my neck up until the flow tamed after ten whole minutes holding up. When I heard a knock, my moves ascended frantically. Dumping the sheets into the bin I scrubbed my fingers and face till the only trace of redness on my face was my rash skin as a result of brittle wash.
I took a minute more to touch my make up recalling how this happened on the wedding day too. I was cooped up in the washroom striving not to get the stains on the white dress- it was a déjà vu but with a black one. I can't seem to spot the change on my dress as the dark shade camouflaged them. and when I opened the door to see him-
The clearer did the day became.
It was all the same- except us. We weren't.
"What are you doing here?" the arena was open to the sky, from where I could see- the visitors were having a fun night with how goofy the music was. The lightings were brisk for a moment and lunged the next with a beat. since they were the only illuminative source so with it, Lee and I got plunged into darkness too-
But as I walked to him, the apparent lines of distress morphed into the calculated analysis. His suit was crisp as always, his hair styled ideal on him. But he was dissolving into someone that was an alien to me. I don't see my Lee here- he would've grilled me with questions the instant I stepped out.
Like he did before. On the random most doubts he had.
But the fact he knocked on the lady's washroom in search of me must mean something.
"Let's go home. I had a long drive and I can't wait to crash" he rubs his eyes as if making a point. If I could, I would like to split his skull in half to see what's going on with him. But by how I have behaved in prior with him- I learned my lesson.
But was he willing to even listen to me?
"Is that all you have got to tell me?" a wave of unexplainable emotion passed through him, then he sighed. My heart falls at his nonchalance.
"How about we get your tattoo done and then go home. Now that I think of it- there's something that I want to say"
I grit my teeth seething in a breath-
"Why do you want to? Don't you have important commodities to carry out?"
The radiance from LEDs paints him in a breeze, then it flails off. But not a speck of him changed. He was too steady to be factual. He asked me to wait for him that night- I waited for him, so long that I fell asleep on the couch. He wasn't there when I woke up, I was informed that he had to leave the town for some development procedure.
No calls.
No texts.
When he came back after a week- he was a hollow shell. So legitimately closed that attempting to even touch him was fruitless.
"I want to keep my promise" a full-blown wind rattles our hair and clothes, but I was too transfixed on him to care "I intend to be there since I was with you from the beginning"
I chuckle humorlessly, my passion drying with his.
"That promise of yours sounds like a hassle than an inclined one. You aren't as genuine about them as you were before" when he doesn't deny it, I look away when my vision blurs "Let's get this done with them, the faster. The better"
He doesn't oblige, so once we reach the fancy parlor he turns to me with a forgotten façade-
"Do you know what you want?"
The lack of reply from me seems to electrify his gaze into understanding. He doesn't coerce me into a talk- contrary to it, he lets the artist and I explore the symbols and designs.
"I know I want my name in a curve behind my left ear" browsing through the catalog I smile at the bearded man in a leather suit and whole tattoos peaking through his neck, the feel of Lee behind me intensifies as we talked "As for other, I want the symbol of promise by the inner corner of my pinkie"
He nods smiling, professionally detailing the fonts and measurements that he believes would fare me. While he prepares the equipment, he makes small chats once he realized how spinless Lee was with this whole situation. It was as if he was battling in his world to even open his mouth for suggestion.
"What's your name?" he finally asks me, tying his pepper gray hair into a bun "I haven't seen you both here. Ever" though he motions a glance at Lee, he doesn't divert the conversation to him. Lee was mutually mute for us.
"It's Shin-Young. If you haven't noticed yet- I am not familiar with this scene. It's my first time"
I shift when he asks me to- in the angle I witness a pinch of frown on Lee, it was gone the sooner he was a victim of my stare. He probably was wonderous of my tipping confidence. Even I was- the growth I've had since my diagnosis was profoundly impressive. When your future gets fogged, you cease crying over the present.
I still stagger.
But they don't have me in a vice.
"I can tell that" he hums as I add quickly.
"I also have an English name. it's the name I want to get inked "It rolls off my tongue gently "Elixir. It is"
He pauses his input with the needles and swivels over in the chair to look at me.
"Elixir- like the portion for eternal life?"
I jerk my head in agreement.
"You must be full of life to wish for an infinity"
Inhaling a quivering breath I let my head fall to the side, lifting my hair to reveal the canvas he has work with. I jump mildly when his hand enclosed atop of mine, his utterance came next.
"I will do it" I retreat my arm, letting him hold it for me. But Lee wasn't done yet "Will it hurt?"
It was indescribable since the inquiry came from a person who takes three shots of insulin a day. So when he gets told that it might slightly sting, the tripping tension on his face has me fuming. Wasn't grief and isolation the worse forms of pain than a physical one?
Wasn't he hurting me more?
When it got done, the artist plastered the raw patch with disinfecting tape. Provided me with an ointment that I was instructed to use on before I go to bed tonight. So when I changed for the night in comfy shorts and top I stood in front of the dress struggling to get the gel across without my hair getting on its way.
I yelp when the tube gets yanked from by clutch with an undiluted scold from someone who doesn't have a right on it-
"Can't you just ask?" unlike me, he was still in his formals excluding his tie and suit jacket. His brown dress shirts sleeve were rolled to his fore arms. The top buttons were undone. He reeked of frustration. Now that he wasn't wearing his coldness.
I try to snatch it back when he grabs my wrist and swats it away. Exhausted from the day and the loss of blood my lids droop into closure as he applied the icy balm on me. It's not him that was magical, it was the chemical composition of whatever was in it that soothed the burning reactions I was having. So I sigh, pleased at the relief.
"Does it hurt that bad?"
The audacity of him-
"Which one do you ask?"
The mighty Lee decides to meet my eye at that. His gaze fluttered as he swallowed in. He steps back pocketing his hands, neutralizing the unbalanced hope that flared in me.
"There has been a problem" he licks his lip, formulating more concerns in me "A federal prisoner managed to escape during transportation. He has been a threat to our family for a long time now"
It was scary to witness the zenith of hatred that seems to house in him. His jaw clenched in accord with his rigid stare. If it happened with my family- I might be in worse shape than him.
"Why did no one told-
"It's not safe for us to be here. We shall leave for US in shortly coming days-
"I am not going back to Vegas"
He moves collecting the sweatpants and shirt he had out for the night as if he had predicted my answer.
"Good thing. I wasn't even planning on it. We leave for Olando. It's more like my second home- I grew up there" in two steps I near him and spun him into withstanding me. He turned with motive because there was no way I would be able to handle him with my strength.
"What I meant was, I don't want to go anywhere"
His gaze hardened, but voice remained passive as he changed course, simultaneously speaking his intentions.
His frigid and throbbing discretion that he seem to have decided for both of us.
"It's the best for us. It's temporary, only till he gets caught. By then let's pretend what we are doing so far" Was there the remorse that ailed me on his voice? No. Because all I heard was a Lee displaying facts- not a tint of sentiment he let pass. Was I too late? Do I even have the right to hurt when this is what I have been jeering him through all this time?
So I accept it.
Like a fool I stood obediently listening to his indications.
He was straight at it. No subtle corners. Too frontal for me to take in. But I do- Because one can only stop a mouth from speaking, But not ears from listening.
Or a heart from breaking.
"Let's end the marriage when we return. It's what I want too"
...
Okay. After this chapter - if you are an old reader from TGATL, you can simply go back to the the book's epilogue and read the connective portion through it to realize where the story stood by then and now. If you are new reader, it perfectly fine. Just wait for next chapters
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Love the life like you love kittens and dogs. And lizards. I like lizards. They cute.