The crisp cold air woke me up. Not from my sleep. But from my...mind? Yeah, I suppose that's right. You see after that weekend where we all went to the hangout and I told everyone about Maize, everybody started getting better. I mean it looked like that. Because we talked to each other, visited the hangout more. Well, everybody except Danny, Jeffrey and me. Me, because I am still locked up in my mind. Why? No idea. How to get out of it? Again, no idea. I am pretty sure Lee knows that. It's been a while since the reunion with our hangout. Cannot exactly tell days or weeks. Not a month because I know for a fact this is November. Wait that means Halloween is gone and Thanksgiving is on its way. Damn I have been so out of it!
Shit! If this is November, shouldn't I be applying to colleges and all. I should be doing all those things, right? I don't know if I did or not, considering I cannot remember I will say no. Then again, I feel like I should take a gap year before venturing off to college, wherever that is. One of the reasons being I have no idea what to study there. I mean what can I get my degree in? What do I like? What do I want to do? Argh! Such big questions. So not in the mood to ponder on such things. For now, I should focus on my way to my next class, which is what again? Dammit!
I feel my elbow being lifted and hand slips in. I look to my left and sure enough there is Lee. I smile at her gesture as she gives me a small, sweet smile. We are on our way to our next class. Only thing I know about this next class is that I have it with Lee and thank lord for that. As we settle in our seats, I just couldn't help myself but glance at Lee. There is something about her right now that is making her look beautiful. Or maybe that currently I am present as opposed to being lost in my mind as I have been since Silver died. Huh maybe it is that.
"Why are you looking at me like that Kris? Do I have something on my face?" Lee asks waking me up from my reverie. I knew I was looking at her, but I didn't realize I was staring.
"Huh! No. Lee I was just...well you look beautiful." Lee stares at me shocked then a thin coat of pink touches her cheeks as she shyly smiles and mumbles a 'thank you' to me. That made her look so cute. What is going on? I just thought Lee looks beautiful and now blushing Lee looks cute. What is happening to me?
The teacher came in before I could analyze my thoughts and as he started droning on about things, I could care less about I turned to my right and this time I purposely kept on staring at Lee. What can I say she is looking exceptionally beautiful right now and I cannot divert my eyes from her? Nor do I want to. I sit in class lost in my daydream. I do notice the pink on Lee's cheeks after a while. Then I also notice how her eyes crinkled a little as she smiled when she looked at me. Lee also showed me her tongue once, I am guessing so that I stop staring. But that just made me look at her more. I don't know why. Also, seeing her tongue made me think things which started another line of thoughts.
"Miss Monroe, I would appreciate it if next day you could focus more on the lesson than Miss Evans." The teacher shouted as soon as the bell rang signaling the end of this period. I simply nodded not even fazed by it, but Lee is blushing right now. Still, she waited for me as the next class we have this fine Wednesday, I think, is gym. And we have it together.
Technically, I do not have gym anymore as I have painting instead. But I usually escort Lee to gym and then go to the art studio. I can have just one art class this semester but because of my condition, I have extra day of painting class with the juniors. One good thing about it is CJ is in my class. Although she has changed a lot now. CJ, the once bubbly girl is now quiet now almost all the time. Gone is her liveliness, her bubbliness, well basically anything that made her CJ. I miss the old CJ, which makes me want to know what happened to her. I have a feeling I know, but I could not confront her about that. As I feel she would need my support if that were the case. And I am not one hundred percent alright to help her yet. Still, I feel like I should talk to her.
After I bid Lee bye, to which she pouts cutely. I walk to the art studio. I settle myself to my seat at the back. I mean I am an addition to the junior's class, so it makes sense to seat in the back. CJ walks in late. The teacher just looks at her does not say anything. This is also common now for CJ to be late, another thing which changed. She is still smart and does debates that I know but...something is the matter with her, and I just feel like I have to help her. Only, I don't know how.
"Hey." I greet CJ. She looks at me and gives me a smile. Not even a hey.
"So, class we will be painting our emotion today. Whatever you are feeling express it or try to express it using colors. Then there is a second part to it but that I will explain after we do this. Also, I would like everyone to just start not think about it. Because thinking about it creates an idea, I want to see raw emotions in the form of a painting from you guys." The teacher said. I forgot her name. I looked at CJ once before starting my painting.
The thing about painting is that I like it. I do not know much about it but it helps me relax and free my mind recently. Like the only time I feel like I am not lost in my brain but actually present and enjoying the class. Not sure why. As I try to express my emotion, which I think might turn out to be a mess. I am trying not to think too much just paint. I feel like I am wrapping one color within another color and now suddenly my floodgates are open, and I can feel my eyes blur. I blink to get rid of the tears that have no doubt pooled at my eyelids. That's the thing, painting has now become a way for me to escape from my head. To feel things. I don't know what that means, nor do I know if it helps me paint good or not. All I do know is that I love the juxtaposition of colors.
Finally, after some time, I think I am done. As I let my paintbrush sit on the pallet. I look at my painting and all I can see is colors. I feel like they are telling me something but...
"Wow Kris. I didn't know you could paint this well." CJ says suddenly.
I look at her shocked, "Me? Paint well? What are you talking about CJ?"
"Look at you be modest and such! I mean this one. It's beautiful and it's telling me what you are feeling. I can clearly see sadness, longing and a little bit of happiness mixed with fear and or maybe that is love, as well. I mean I think that is fear or love. But anyways I can feel your emotions. So..."
"Thanks CJ. I...uh...I umm...yeah...you're right. That is fear. I don't know about love. And you are right about the rest too. But like can you seriously see that?" I mean that's exactly what I was feeling while painting it so I think those are the emotions expressed.
"Yeah Kris. Why are not believing me?"
"Because I didn't know I can paint."
"Wow. Just wow. Leave it to you, Kris..." CJ chuckled. What did she mean by that? But it felt good to hear CJ smile and talk. So, I guess mission accomplished for today?
"Now let me see yours?"
I moved CJ's hand which were hovering over her painting. And as soon as I saw it, I frowned and immediately realized why she did not want me to see. The thing is CJ can paint; I know that. Which is why her painting reads the emotion of fear and anguish. Turmoil. As if there is a chaos in her brain right now and that is clearly depicted in her painting. I looked at her face and saw she is looking at the ground. Something tells me she is afraid of what I will say, and afraid that I will find out what is making her this afraid. I touch CJ's chin softly so that I can see her face. Her face now holds so many emotions. I cannot wait till I am more myself to help her. I have to help her now.
"The painting is beautiful CJ; you really are talented." She gave me a small smile. As if waiting for the bomb to drop. The bomb in this case is a single word, 'but'. And I am debating how to say it so that the small smile that has appeared on her face does not vanish again. "So...I think I read it correctly, but it still is a little blurry. Would you mind telling me the correct emotions you painted?" I ask CJ instead. She eyes me, then narrows her eyes slightly.
"I know you understood Kris. Just tell me first what you are reading from it?"
"Umm...like there is a war going on inside you. And somehow the top contenders of winning that war are 'Fear' and 'Anguish'. Am I close?" CJ nods. I purposely tried to make it a little lively than how I felt when I first saw it.
"You are but there is no war...its...well..." Then CJ mumbled something.
"What? Tell me CJ. You can tell me anything, I won't say anything or judge."
"I was saying that war is constant nowadays." CJ mumbled again but this time I heard it.
"May I ask why? Also, would you mind telling me why your top contender is Fear?"
"Fear is there. Because I am afraid Kris. I am...afraid of..."
"Class, now the first part of today's assignment should be over. I know painting takes time." Everyone started whining. "I know...I know class. But for this second part we need time, and we have to do it today, unless you guys want to stay after class?" Everybody whined yet again. "That's what I thought so... now we are going to let the person sitting next to you see it and if they can read your emotion from the painting then your assignment is done for today and you will receive an 'A' from your peer reviews for today." This teacher does separate peer reviews every day. I totally forgot about that.
We were done. So that's good. I am not sure how we can inform teacher today, but I want to get this over with as quickly as possible so that I can talk to CJ, who was cut off by the teacher. But something tells me she will not tell me anymore. Somehow teacher heard my mind's prayers and came towards our table first.
"So, you guys finished first so tell me?"
We both replied and she noted down our answers. Then she took our painting and hung it to dry and for the class to see it. The emotions expressed are in a slip of paper behind the painting. That's a cool idea, I think. I like it. I was admiring the paintings that got hung and how it looks. When suddenly, an elbow grazed me. As I whip me head to the side, I notice CJ packing things to leave. I want to talk to her. I want her to finish telling me what she is afraid of...but as I go to touch her arm, she takes her bag, swings it over her shoulder and saunters to the teacher. She asks her something and then waving me bye, CJ leaves. And there goes my chance to talk to her. I sigh and bow my head down. I can leave too technically. And I think that's exactly what I will do. I know for a fact that gym is still going on. So, I can catch up with Lee at least.
As I pack and leave the art studio, I almost collide into someone but somehow, stop myself. I look up annoyed only to see its Jeffry crying. What the hell? Instantly I wrap my arms around him, and he hugs me back. He is still not speaking. He cries for a minute or two then he pulls back and gives me a forced small smile. I understand he is okay now. But that does not mean I will not be by his side now. So, we both walk towards gym. Well, after pushing Jeffrey to wash his face. We enter the gym and soon we hear people shouting. They are playing Dodgeball. And somehow that has turned into a shouting game. No wonder. Coach is not even here. Wow.
Jeffrey and I settle on the stairs masking as seats in our gym. He is still not fully himself, which makes sense. I side eye him, but he is focused on the court where everyone is screaming even before the other team picks up the ball to throw. I smile seeing that. Then I see Jeffrey has a small smile too.
"This is crazy." I tell him.
"I know right." He mumbles. That makes me look at him. Stunned. He has not said a word since we found out about Silver.
"You spoke Jeffrey." He gave me a single nod and a small, smile. I guess its progress. "I guess I am special that you said it to me." I joked. He laughed and punched my shoulder a bit. "Hey, you are not complaining so...wait am I right? I am special?" I ask him a little out of curiosity but mostly jokingly.
"Yeah, right, delude yourself with that." He finally replies. I laugh and push his shoulder lightly.
"Damn way to break a girl's heart Jeff." I casually call him what I sometimes refer to him as in my mind. It just a nickname I gave him but never called him that until now.
"Jeff?" He questions.
"Sorry." I forgot he usually prefers we call him by his full name.
"Its fine Kris. Just you never called me that."
"'Cause I thought you hated being called that." I mean that is true. Just like I have referred to him as Jeff million times in my head is also true. But he will never find that out. Wait isn't calling him by the nickname lets him know that I refer to him by it.
"No, not hated but yeah I usually don't like it." Jeff shrugs and I nod, trying not to show him that I am having an internal debate. Way to go Kris! I imagine patting my own back.
"Usually, huh? That means you didn't mind me calling you that?"
"No, I didn't." As soon as Jeff said that I pushed his shoulder with mine lightly again.
"I knew I am special." I joked to which Jeff just laughed out loud.
We then focus back on the game, but I did notice Lee saw us. She gave me a big smile. Then we saw all of them shouting after getting hit but nobody actually stepped off the court. Why? Because Coach is not here hence you can scream and retain your position. Suddenly we heard a whistle. I knew that means Coach is here.
"All of you dismissed." He just shouts that and disappear again.
Well, I guess that's that. I don't think I have ever witness this much weirdness in gym class. Also, Coach was always here last year whenever I was at gym. Is this an everyday occurrence now? Then why were they all playing? Because I have heard on several occasions from all of them, they hate gym and do not like to even play. Yet, they were all playing today without Coach even being here. Shocking!
They changed and then joined Jeff and me at the gym gate. I now ride with Lee. Ride as in Lee's bike. Because she will not let me ride a separate one and she does not like to drive to school. Well, I like it. It feels different. Also, would prefer it if it were anything but a bike. I even offered Lee to drive my car, the one Tori gifted me. She thought about it but still declined. It's not like the rest of my friends drive either. They all either ride bikes or walk. So, we all take the same route nowadays.
"So, I saw you talking to Jeffrey? What were you saying to him?"
"We talked. As in he replied, Lee." I tell her.
"You are serious?"
"Yep. My exact reaction. After that I was just teasing him. He even gave me a small smile at first. So of course, I continued to tease him and that made him chuckle. Lee, Jeff actually talked to me. It's been so long since he spoke."
"Yeah. I am so glad you were able to help him, Kris. I knew if anyone can, it would be you."
"Huh?"
"What? The dude likes you. Also, unfortunately for you, you are experienced with grief, and we sort of look up to you for guidance in that matter."
"Lee!!! You shouldn't. I am...I don't know anything Lee, except I keep losing my friends. I cannot be the person to guide you guys through your grief."
"Yeah, I get it. But still you help us not even knowing you were helping us. Just look at Danny, you stopped him from doing something. And Jeffrey he talked. After months of remaining silent he talked. And even me. I feel normal just with your help. So, don't deny that you don't help us, or that you guided us during these tough times. But yeah, I know you have no idea you were doing it. That I agree with because most of the times you are lost in your thought."
"Yeah. You see...Lee I am not someone you guys should seek for guidance now."
"We are not. But you are our friend. And only person who is not telling us currently, 'it gets better'. I mean I am sick and tired of hearing it. It can be true, but I don't want to hear it."
"Okay. I guess I get it."
"Yeah Kris. But now tell me what you did in your painting class today?"
I tell her about the assignment. She listens to me intently. While I watch her expressions. She is looking so beautiful again and I feel my eyes going towards her lips. This is a new feeling. Strange things are happening to me today. Including Jeff talking to me. Yeah, that surely was odd. Wait does Jeff like me? I mean he did not hate me calling him Jeff, was Lee correct about that? This is crazy! Just like me watching Lee's lips now. What is happening right now?