I stepped out onto the wrap-around patio surrounding our lake house. The sun was setting, and golden orange rays of light danced over the shimmering surface of the water. It's always beautiful here.
Talk about uncharacteristically impulsive, though! My dad, who never took time off work, had very abruptly declared that we would be taking an impromptu family vacation.
Family bonding... he'd said.
A time away to think and reflect... he'd used those words too.
Unfortunately, for me, the lake house was also packed with memories of Connor and me. We'd spent a whole summer there once. I remembered it was one of those holidays when McKenzie had been particularly bitchy to me. Now I knew why.
I can't begin to explain the depth of my regret for what happened with her. Guilt and shame were contorting in my stomach making me feel sick. When I thought about the way I'd spent the last decade of my life, everything had been about Connor. Everything.
"Hey?" McKenzie slid up behind me with two cups of hot chocolate and handed me one. Big pink marshmallows floated on top amidst a generous sprinkling of chocolate.
"That's a trip down memory lane," I said, taking the cup and remembering the good old days, before my mother became allergic to sugar.
"You're thinking about Connor," she said, leaning against the balustrade and looking at me.
I nodded. "I feel so stupid."
"Don't," she said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "God, this feels so weird. Us. Like this..." She pulled her hand away and her face turned solemn. "This is not... I mean, this is real, right? Not temporary? You're not going to disappear on me again, are you? Because I don't think I could handle that."
I shook my head. "No. This is real. I'm not disappearing on you, I promise." At those words, McKenzie smiled at me and I went in for another hug. Our mugs clanged and hot chocolate spilled everywhere.
"Air hug!" McKenzie quickly declared and mimed patting me on the back with her free hand! I laughed out loud. I'd forgotten how much she could make me laugh.
We both heard a noise and turned to see my father standing at the window holding a glass of red wine. He had a smile on his face and raised his glass to us both in a toast. We held our mugs up and in that moment, this amazing rush of warmth came over me. I hadn't felt connected to my family like this in years. And then, true to form, our mother lurked out of the shadows and grabbed my dad's wine glass. After a disapproving wag of her finger, she was off.
McKenzie and I smiled at each other in mutual, amused appreciation of this strange woman that was our mother. No doubt she was going to give my dad a lecture later about how bad wine was for his cholesterol, or arthritis, or bones, or other body parts or diseases he didn't have.
"So, what are you going to do about him?" McKenzie asked. "Connor?"
I shrugged. "All I know is that I love him." I bit my lip and tried not to get emotional.
"I know," she sighed. "I really like him, despite what I've said to you over the years. He's pretty cool, but blind as a mole rat... wait, are they blind? Oh, that's bats. But are bats blind... I don't fucking know what I'm saying. Some animal out there is blind, Okay! You know what I mean."
I laughed." I know what you mean." I'd forgotten this side of McKenzie. I'd always found her so funny when we were young, and I was glad I was seeing this side to her again. I paused when my laugher stopped. "He is cool. Connor." I said softly, sadly. "And I don't know what my life would be like if I didn't love him. I have loved him every single day for so long, that I'm not sure what it would feel like not to love him anymore?"
McKenzie nodded, she looked deep in thought. She was really thinking about my situation, and this made me feel genuinely warm and fuzzy inside. She cared, and I loved the way that felt, and I couldn't believe that I hadn't felt that for so long.
"Well," she finally said, "if it's meant to be, love will find a way. Love wins in the end. Isn't that a saying, or something?"
"But does love always win?" I asked tentatively.
She looked away momentarily and the shrugged. "I don't know. I'm probably the wrong person to be asking, I totally suck at relationships. Look at all the prize-winning douche bags I've dated over the years..." She looked behind her and then whispered in my ear, "Honestly, I only dated a few of them to freak mom out!" She flashed me a conspiratorial smile followed by a wink and then we both burst out laughing.
"This is fun," I said.
"Totally."
I looked at Mackenzie's face in the orange light. She was my twin, and I loved her. I'd missed her....
And right there, I knew what I had to do.