My Muse
(Chapter One)
Jacob's Journal
Entry #1078
28th February,2021
I fucked up, Jacob you fucked up, how could I? the most treasured person, how could I do this to her! our relationship.... Our love....us.... I lost it all just because I was a coward! A fucking coward! I've always been like that, she was right, I .......... I want to tear myself apart and just destroy myself, and be non-existent, this is betrayal! What was I even thinking? Better Jacob Williams! You deserve it! You've deserved the worst ever since you've taken your first breath, everyone leaves me because I don't deserve them! I ruin everything! I feel like laughing at myself, I've cried enough that my eyes have dried, better, I wish to pull them out of my sockets, and ruin each part of my body that had to do something with her, so she might understand how sorry and guilty I feel but she's right, what I did, is betrayal it has shaken our relationship, a relationship that I hold so close, a person whom I protected from the world just like you'd protect a diamond, in a safe with security, and in the end im the one who causes the misery, the turmoil, fuck!..... Last week we were celebrating our sixth anniversary, which felt like an eternity, and today im writing this, funny isn't it but that's what you get when you play with someone's feelings, with someone's dream, with someone's heart... she taught me so much, I could be me because of her, my number one priority and look who finished it all, me, Jacob Williams you are the one! you robbed your own happiness thyself. Now you deserve this hell, you deserve to be alone and ha ha ha YOU are, she's gone and probably will never come back, so yeh rot in hell, Jacob, trust and honesty are the pillars of any relationship and I've beautifully broken them, crumbled them into pieces and here I am, devastated and miserable, I can't find a word to explain my misery, I hope I don't find one so I can atleast feel the least of what she would have felt when she knew the truth, and like the cherry on top today I don't feel the slightest better after journaling, the one which caused the catastrophe, I don't think I deserve it anyways.
I shut my journal close throwing it on the wall in front of me and I rest my head on my chair, I haven't brushed, I haven't eaten anything since morning and now it's past seven, it's all dark outside just like my miserable life right now, I've lost my hope, I don't deserve to hope and pray that she comes back I mean I should stop being selfish.
I swivel around with my office chair, my eyes stuck on the roof, tears have stopped because im empty on the inside now, hollow, there's nothing to come out, I scoff at myself and keep swiveling until I hear a loud rumbling thunder and my movements come to halt,
thunder sounds were, I mean are her favorites, I wonder will she be feeling good about them right now? Or will she be immersed in the agony I have caused her; the latter must be the reality.
I get up from my chair and walk outside to the balcony, rain pouring slightly, how I wish it could wash away my mistakes and wreckage I've caused in our lives. The rain starts falling heavily
, soaking me wet, my long hair which reach just below the nape of my neck are all over my face, I push them back finger combing them, I remember how she pushed her slender fingers through my hair on days when we decided rain to soak us in, we sat right here in this balcony sometimes lying down holding hands and just letting the moment fill us up, she used to detangle my hairy knots and it was such a comfort
I scoff again, right now it's me against me, im mocking my other self which caused this tragedy, this fucking tragedy, this fucking mistake, my jaws clench and I swallow hard anger taking over me, I start taking deep breaths because if I don't then im surely going to have a panic attack and guess what, that's exactly what's happening
My heart starts racing, im trembling, I look for a support and hold on to the railing , my grip getting tighter by every bout of pain and anxiety that's taking over me, I lose my grip and fall on the ground with a thud, I place a hand on my chest trying to calm myself down just as she did for the first time, just as she did every time I had a panic attack.
I open the buttons of my Pajama suite and start rubbing my chest, my mouth open gasping for air, pretty sure my eyes shot bloody red. I keep rubbing my chest and take deep breaths trying to get over it as soon as I can because if I collapse, she won't be here to carry me, to wake me up.
I keep doing so and after a good two to three minutes I feel normal, I feel like my heart rate got back to normal and I can breathe, I look around hoping to see her face but I've made her go, tears start rolling down my cheeks and I look at the sky breathing heavy again, as my chest tightens, I shout ''AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH'' loud enough to wake up the neighbors.
I hold my hair tightly and scream again, letting all the air out of my lungs, I shout again ''JACOB IS A FUCKING COWARD!!! AND GUESS WHO'S JACOB? ITS ME!!!''.
Im on the ground sitting on my bent legs, the rain hasn't stopped, my head hung low, im just contemplating on what to do now, it's been a day since she got to know about my disgusting truth, a coward like me deserves it but a coward like me wants her back too after all the damage I've done to her, she never had it easy neither did I, but she made sure she never did something which would trigger a bitter memory from the past but I failed at doing so.
I failed miserably! I get up, with water dripping from everywhere, my face my hair, everywhere but who cares, she's not here to scream whenever I messed up our house, especially when I spilled water or something as such. I walk to my wardrobe open it and just grab a pair of shorts, I get into the warm shower, hoping it'd wash away my misery but it doesn't, nothing can!
January 1st, 2014
Manchester City
Its 5AM, I turn my alarm off and meditate for five minutes on my bed, closing my eyes and I exhale and inhale, I get off my bed, set my coffee to brew and get into the loo, I wash my face, brush my teeth, by the time im out my coffee is ready, I get into my track suite and go for my jog, my every morning story.
After half an hour I get back home take a quick shower, and make myself and Lucy some food.
I make her breakfast, lunch and for dinner I pack some leftover pizza from last night. I look at the clock and its fifteen past six already ''damn'' I spit out and get into my OOTD (outfit of the day).
I quickly grab the bread crumbs for my ducks waiting at the lake side for me like they do every morning, I love feeding them. Im rich as hell I mean it's not my money but as I'm my father's son so I get that money even if I don't want, Moly says it's my right, whatever! I quickly grab my essentials and head towards the door of my apartment when Alexa shouts ''Moly is on the call'' I groan ''not right now''! ''Answer Alexa'' I shout back and she starts ''baby how can you miss my morning call'', I roll my eyes,'' not now Moly, I have to run errands before getting to my class, and I sure as hell don't want to be punished for arriving late, will call later'' ''wait wait hold one'', she exclaims and I sigh ''what?'' ''it's my birthday next week, you'll come wont you?'' I sigh surprisingly'' im running late to my college and all you care is about your birthday and that too next week, huh, grow up Moly, I gotta go, bye, love ya''
I run down the parking lot, carrying containers of food, balancing my steps down the stairs I get my bicycle out of the parking area.
Yes, a bicycle, ik im rich but I love cycling, feeling the morning breeze touch my bare face as I cycle across the city, my poems are so much about breezes caressing our skins, but obviously nobody knows about it, it's a secret between me and me.
I cycle across the road and stop when I reach the lake, the ducks are having their time, swimming peacefully before the swarm of people attacks them. I run towards them and as they see me, they start setting their motion towards me ''smart asses'' I laugh to myself, I throw the crumbs to lory and Hailey, waiting for Jack to notice me and he does, idk if that duckling is really a he or a she or whatever but I've given them names, I like it that way. After feeding the ducks
I run my bicycle to Lucy, she's half a mile away from the lake, a poor woman abandoned by her kids, I feel bad for her, two years back when I moved to Manchester and bought this apartment, I saw her one morning when I was strolling around, looking for places to explore and I just connected to her, and from that day onwards I bring her breakfast lunch and dinner and clothes every two weeks, she's a beautiful person, idk why would her kids do that.
Anyways I park my cycle and with a big fat smile walk towards her ''Good morning beautiful'' she smiles, ''hey handsome, what's in there for me today'' she points towards the container and I shrug, this is our everyday conversation ''just some omelet with toasted breads, a bowl of salad and baked chicken with cheese and four slices of pizza from last night'' I smile. ''How lovely'' she says excitedly. She places a hand on my cheek just like Moly would; affectionately ''I hope today changes everything for you'' I chuckle and respond ''be it for good'', ''definitely'' her response, affirm. ''I wish we could sit and talk but im running late for college, I have to catch my class in time or else detention awaits!'' I fake pout.
...
''Two weeks into med school and I haven't read a single word'' says Alex. ''Well, you better step up your game mate, or else you'll fail the upcoming assignments which means you'll fail proffs'' I respond.
''Sir Jacob Williams, your sincerity and loyalty towards your profession does not match your personality'' Alex retorts. I scoff and say ''Bruv, all those bad boy games aside, I love medicine and I will ace it, has got nothing to do with my personality or the guy I am'' I pat his back and turn around to leave but get stopped by David, another member of our ''gang'', commonly known as ''The Famous Four''.
Woh! Calm down mate, we are not asking you not to study but you cannot ditch your boys, can you? I sigh and turn around to Alex placing a hand on his shoulder ''What's the plan?'' Alex smirks followed by a grin ''We're bunking class today, and im not hearing a no from you! Okay?''.
I laugh sarcastically and give him a straight face ''Alex! You know its anatomy, this one subject that I suck at and I have to do my best to get the grip of it! You cannot make me bunk this class'' I hold my bag and start moving forward when another voice halts my movement ''Stop, Jacob''.
Its Sam! I sigh and build the courage to leave but if I lose them, I got no one else, they're my mates, my buddies and I know they don't understand how difficult and important studying is right now! ''if you leave today, then you leave forever'' Sam remarks making me turn and face them, I look at Sam, eye to eye, I know I don't need to do this but I love them and they love me and we are like brothers, to hell with anatomy! ''Fine!'' I throw my hands up in the air and say ''where do we hide?'', Alex laughs ''We got him again guys, let's go to the college's backyard, behind the library, nobody shall see us'' he says it dramatically in the very royal brits' accent and I can't help but chuckle.
He hits a fist on my arm and I move with them following them wherever they take me. It's been two months into med school and they've inspected all the corners of this building, they know the best places to hide and do all the nasty stuff, I don't enjoy it much but just not to make them feel bad I do it with them, sometimes we smoke, sometimes weed, but nothing more than that, I know how to keep myself sane and not lose my control over my mind.
We keep walking past the hallways, and I keep myself up straight, like I always am, straight faced, I smile less, and know my standards.
As I pass by the hallways, I see all these stupid girls drooling over me like come on, go get a life, I know im handsome I know im hot and no one can resist me but for your own sake woman! Get a life! I smirk slightly giving zero attention to any one of them
It's not that they're not pretty or whatever, it's just me and my badass attitude, it's the bad boy within me that makes me stay intact and not give a shit about anyone of them, but im the complete opposite with my boys, they're my real fam and I love them, they're always here for me, and they love me for who I am, for sure, I laugh, enjoy, party and do all sorts of good things with them.
We keep walking and as we pass by the crowd's getting lesser and lesser something that makes me really happy, because I don't like thinking bad or low of someone but if I act all nice and sweet that would make me less of a man, and I won't compromise on that. ''guys how long?'' I ask as I get tired and frustrated of not finally reaching somewhere, I already gave up my anatomy class for this shit.
''what's the hurry bruv? Keep enjoying the view'' Sam points towards the girls who walk by and wink, ''you might find one for tonight'' he adds, my jaw clenches and I poke my cheek and smirk at him, ''You know I hate such stuff''I retort.
''huh, are you even a man? Like how do you survive without se- '' I cut him off and speak ''Using girls does not make you or me any of a man'' I give him a straight face. ''Weird'' he remarks and I just shrug.
Ok I do act like a badass but that does not make me use girls, Moly has taught me to do otherwise and I respect what she taught me. We keep walking and all of a sudden, I hear a girl shouting from the back ''Jasmine....... Jasmine......''. ''oh, there is some Jasmine in there'' Alex speaks excitedly,''you might get a partner tonight'' Alex hits David's arm and laughs making me roll my eyes.
The girl shouts again making me frown, I don't really like girls, I mean they are too much, my past experiences have been horrible ''Jasmine......For god's sake.... YASMIN''.
I smile on hearing her name, whoever she is, it's beautiful, unconsciously my lips move slightly pronouncing her name in a whisper ''Yasmin''.
Sam laughs ''Yasmin! What's this name'' he mocks and laughs, ''though im excited to see this chick, let's make her day'' Alex smirks and I join my eyebrow and speak ''guys come on, we're not seniors so bullying someone is not a good idea, okay? Let's jus- '' ''Jacob stop! its fun, you'll have stories to tell to your children in future'' David replies.
''The last thing I'd want my kids to learn- '' before I complete, I see her coming, I assume she's Yasmin, perhaps, wearing a grey adidas track suite, her hair; shoulder length, streaks of ash grey mixing with her perfect black. Carrying her lab coat in one of her hand and an adidas backpack on the other shoulder, she walks with so much confidence, chewing a gum
What makes me look at her a little more than any other girl is her confidence, and the fact that she did not look at us for once.
She's looking at the classes and the empty rooms probably searching for her class but, I don't know why am I thinking all this, I divert my eyes to look at the boys but before I realize they're already moving in her direction probably thinking to block her way, ''please no'' I whisper to myself and take larger steps towards them
''guys I think we should move forward, I push Sam past Yasmin, if that's who she is but he stops my hand and blocks her way making her frown and pull her glasses up fixing them in her hair, she has dark brown eyes, the sun's light makes them shine, I feel so much in a moment and I don't know how to describe it, but I hate this feeling, I can't let that happen to me I mean come on! I shift my gaze and keep my face straight as she speaks
''would you mind moving aside, you are blocking my way'', ''well that's what I intend to do'' Sam smirks and keeps blocking her way, she looks him straight in the eye, '' ooo this girl's got courage, she'd make a fine bed-'' ''Shut the hell up whoever you are'' she shouts making Alex laugh
I clench my jaw and keep my face straight not wanting my expressions to be out loud, ''Alex she's not worth it
let's just-'' I speak but am cut by her ''oh for sure, im worth more than four filthy guys blocking my way'' she looks straight into my eyes and I scoff, shifting my gaze
''filth? Really? You know what filth is? Let me show you'' Sam moves closer but she slaps him, and Im shocked but my shock turns into anger as soon as she speaks further ''Guys like you end up raping their mothers and sisters''
''The Fuck!'' I point my finger at her ''YOU better not drag my mother into this'' my voice as stern as it could be and my jaw clenching, ''Huh! Does that make you feel how it feels when you talk shit to girls'', ''I fucking don't care, but miss whoever you are, next time you dare not drag my mother- '' I scowl but she cuts me off ''Whatever but you better not cross my way again you creep, and Im not scared of douchbags'' before I say something, she walks past me pushing me aside
I hear all the boys laughing, ''woh! She's one of a kind mate'' Alex says amused but my anger and frustration has crossed limits so I just move back and am stopped by David ''where you heading to?'' ''David, please, I want some time alone'' and I walk past them, to my favorite escape, the library;
our college's library is aesthetic AF, such a warm ambience it has. They have all the warm lights lit up giving it the coziest vibe, it's the best place to be at when you want to feel better.
I sit there and sometimes write my journal, or poetry, it relaxes me, it's my space where I can be me without being disturbed
But I am me all the time, ugh I don't know, sometimes these thoughts drive me crazy, I don't understand, anyways I walk towards the library, show them my pass and sit at my favorite spot, I take out my journal and write about my day so far.
QOTD:
What's one mistake you'd never forgive even if its someone very dear to you?
(A/N: I hope you guys enjoy this story, as much as I enjoy writing and creating it, let me know your thoughts. xoxo)