My feet dragged me heavily into the stable at the edge of Silva. The splitting headache I had woken up with –a gift from last night's crying– was still making me sway a little. Getting out of my asphyxiating small apartment and the buzzing of the city had helped ease it a little. But I knew it wouldn't completely go away until I was out in the forest.
"Iseul!" Rhett, the man who owned the rental stable, called out as soon as he saw me. He had trouble saying my name correctly, pronouncing the e, and dragging out the first letter. After almost a whole year of pointing it out, I didn't bother correcting him any longer. "It's good to see you. Lumin has been eager to go out riding again," he told me while brushing a mare at the stall next to Lumin's.
At the sight of me, Lumin neighed, and I reached out to pet the light stripe that went down his face and differed from the rest of his beige coat.
"I've been eager to go out riding with him as well," I answered Rhett.
"Is everything okay? You seem a bit tired," Rhett said, worry lacing his voice. Mona had sounded exactly the same when she had seen me this morning. It was understandable, I hadn't slept well and the black bags under my eyes apparently made it clear to everyone.
"Yeah, I had a long day yesterday," I lied to him and reached into the satchel I was holding to get an apple for Lumin.
He seemed excited with the offer and didn't waste a moment, immediately reaching out and biting it off my hand. I petted him for a couple more moments and then got inside his stall in order to get him ready for the ride.
"You're going to train again?" Rhett asked me while resting against the closed door of Lumin's stall. I glanced at him from over my shoulder as I placed the blanket on Lumin's back.
"Figured it's been a while," I replied as I put the saddle on Lumin and started strapping it.
"Are you sure you've rested enough for it though? It's going to be pretty cold out there..." Rhett responded. I flicked the low braid I had made to the side of my head and smiled at him. It had been a while since I had gotten my hair cut and now it reached down to my navel. My bangs had also grown out to the point of no longer being bangs.
"I'll be fine," I assured him.
"Iseul..." This time he pronounced it a little closer to what my name actually sounded like. "I will send out a search team for you if you don't come back soon enough," he playfully said, making me roll my eyes.
"You don't need to worry about me. I only need to let out my frustrations and this is the best way I know how to," I told him while taking the bridle for Lumin.
Rhett leaned his head to the side in a way that made his hazel eyes shine and his thick blonde hair moved to the side as well. I tried to keep my gaze away from him when he did that. I knew what he was doing and in the year that I had known him, it hadn't worked.
"Whoever would dare frustrate you?" he mused with a charming smile.
It hurt me to see him be like this. Rhett was a sweet guy. He always did his best to cheer me up. He was charming and fun to hang out with. I had gone for drinks with him more times than I could count by now, never promising him anything. Perhaps if life had been different. Perhaps if I hadn't been born and raised in Rosa. Perhaps if I hadn't fallen in love with Emmeline...
I bit down the truth and climbed on top of Lumin. My gaze met Rhett's and I smiled.
"None other than myself," I lied and waited for him to open the stall so I could leave.
"Well, I hope riding and training will help you," he said with a click of his tongue and opened the stall letting me out.
"I hope so too," I called out behind me as I had Lumin walk us out of the stall. Then, I pressed with my legs, and Lumin at once started cantering.
Silva, the capital city of Aiteall, was one of the largest cities in the world. Half of it was protected by a mountain range that made it impossible for invaders to cross. While the other half was protected by a dense forest and an enormous lake. I made Lumin take me to the forest for our usual ride and only stopped for a moment to look back at the snowed city.
I had never considered myself the kind of person to enjoy calmness. Being raised alongside the royal family of Rosa, calmness had been a concept I did not know until after the destruction of my home. Even in the most serene moments of my previous life –at the crack of dawn, while sharing a bed with Emmeline, or when we sneaked out to the royal garden during a ball– calmness wasn't something I got familiar with.
Emmeline was a lively person, full of laughter and joy. Even when she was asleep, she radiated energy equal to all the stars. She was wonderful like that. Falling in love with her felt like gaining immortality. I couldn't remember even a second of getting tired or exhausted or bored with her by my side. She was wonderful like that.
We neared a clearing, nothing to be heard but our breaths and the echoes of the calls of other animals from around us. I waited for Lumin to come to a halt and then unstrapped the bow from my back. There were two cleared-up paths going away from the clearing, but Lumin and I rarely took either of them. We preferred wandering between the trees. I made Lumin go in a canter and drew an arrow from the quiver that was strapped on my back.
I took aim at one of the trees in the far distance and shot. My arrow found its intended target despite Lumin having picked up a quicker pace. I half-closed my eyes and focused on the face that formed in my mind.
Golden-brown hair, thick eyebrows, and dark eyes. I focused on that mocking tone and vomit-inducing arrogance. I focused on that King.
Lumin started running even faster, but I didn't stop missing the trees I was targeting. Faces from that night from hostile soldiers; faces twisted with bloodthirst and depravity. My quiver always held twenty-three arrows. One for each of those goddamn soldiers that were in the throne room as well as the King. One for each.
By the time I ran out of arrows, the anger that had been fueling me died down and I strapped the bow on my back. I slowed Lumin's pace to a walk. We followed our previous path, stopping by each tree I had hit, and picked up the arrows that were embedded in them.
I hated not knowing who had attacked Rosa. Not knowing who had killed my second family. While news of Rosa's destruction had spread around like wildfire, few people knew who the attackers were. And going around asking about such things would make people ask questions. Questions I had no intention of answering. To the people of Silva, I was nothing more than an orphan from one of the eastern villages of Aiteall.
I didn't look like the native people. While my skin tone did not differ that much from most people in Silva, tapered eyes were rare here. I had inherited them from my mother whose family had moved to Rosa seeking refuge when she was still a toddler. The republic she had come from had long ago been eradicated by one of the kingdoms from the north. So people who looked like me were for the most part viewed as out of place.
But despite my uniqueness, people like Lys and Mona, and Rhett had managed to make Silva seem like a friendly and welcoming place. They had made it seem almost as nice as Rosa had been.
I rode back to the stable a couple of hours' worth of riding later. I was starting to get too cold, and hunger was eating away my stomach. It took me a couple of minutes to take all the stuff off Lumin and afterward I spent some time brushing and feeding him fresh carrots.
"So, are you feeling better?" Rhett asked as he came up to Lumin's stall again. He was holding onto a shovel and wore a pair of thick leather gloves that at the moment seemed like what my cold fingers needed.
"You could say that; yes," I replied and started to pack my things. Rhett clumsily got closer to the stall to open it up for me to come out and I smiled at him kindly.
"If there's..." Rhett paused for a moment as I turned my full attention to him and I saw him swallow. "If there's anything I can do for you... to help, I mean. I- I'm here if you need help with anything".
I stared at him for a moment, about to dismiss his worries but then I bit my tongue and took one step closer to him. I saw him squirm a little at that, but he held his ground. I stood close enough to him to smell his sweat and the distinct smell of horse that was part of him now.
"Actually... there is something," I told him. "I have an early shift at The Wooden Sword, but I don't want to stay at home tonight. How about we go for a drink?"
He seemed surprised, his green-brown eyes going wide, and his body tensing up. He mulled over my words for a moment but then cracked a sideways grin at me.
"I meant more like if there's someone bothering you that I could teach a lesson to, but I'm in for a drink or two. Should I pick you up from The Wooden Sword or from your apartment?" he said with a hint of a joke in his tone. Something inside of me fought against my next action, but I did it anyway.
I reached up and pushed a loose strand from my braid behind my ear, then looked at Rhett through half-lidded eyes. He let out a shallow breath, his eyes not leaving me for a moment, and I made an effort to blink more times than needed.
"I'd like to change clothes as well as leave my violin before going out, so do you mind coming by my apartment?" I asked, knowing that his place was closer to The Wooden Sword than to my apartment. He immediately shook his head and then licked his lips.
"I'll be there... let's say an hour before midnight?"
I agreed to it and then I was on my way back to my apartment. I almost didn't have enough time to shower, change clothes and eat before my shift and the snow made the walk back home from the stable even longer.
***
About two hours later, I entered The Wooden Sword, holding onto my violin case. I shrugged off my cloak, handing it over to one of the bartenders, and looked around the bar. Kieran, the owner, as well as Brandyn, the other bartender, gave me a questioning look when I neared them instead of going to get ready for my set.
"D'ya want a drink before getting on the stage?" Brandyn asked while scratching his beardless chin. Brandyn's eyes were a little similar to mine but not exactly the same. His were deeper and if someone were to compare us, they could see that Brandyn had higher cheekbones and a quite darker skin tone.
"No, I was only wondering about something," I started and stepped even closer. Kieran, a man in his late thirties with reddish long hair and a thick beard, nodded for me to go on and finished up his ale. "Do you know where this bar is?" I inquired and showed them the address I had acquired yesterday.
They both looked at the piece of paper I held out for a moment and then shared a look of unease. Brandyn remained silent, starting to fix his long brown hair into a high bun, while Kieran reached up to fiddle with one of the tiny braids of his beard.
"Love, I wouldn't recommend going there..." Kieran answered, though his tone made it sound more like a command than a recommendation. I frowned. "Who gave you that?" Kieran pressed with worry in his tone and whatever emotion I had felt over his recommendation dispensed. I raised an eyebrow at his question, not answering him. "A sweet girl like you doesn't find out about a wretched place like that by accident," he replied and scratched his ale-induced belly over his shirt. "Who gave you that?"
"I don't know. That's why I'm asking where it is," I answered truthfully.
"Ya don't know who gave ya that?" Brandyn asked, snapping his head at me with his eyebrows brought together.
"I was given this address by someone on the street," I said between gritted teeth. I knew that this would only reinforce the recommendation Kieran had given me.
"Are ya mad?" Brandyn barked at me. "Why the fuck are ya asking about it then? Ya should have burned this the moment ya got it!"
"Well, I didn't. So, tell me where it is," I barked back. "Look, someone wants me to go to this bar, and to be honest, I intend to go. So I'd prefer it if you told me where it is rather than scolding me about it."
"And if we don't tell ya?" Brandyn asked, using a tone he used with overaggressive drunkards; a tone I hated.
"I'll be forced to track it down by foot after my shift," I replied stubbornly. Brandyn looked at me bewildered but, before he could snap at me, Kieran put an end to it by hitting the wooden bar counter with his hand.
"We can't force her to listen to us," he told Brandyn and turned to me, suddenly looking exhausted. "The place you've been invited to is called Lacryrum. It's right by the edge of the city built close to the castle. The patrons are mostly criminals who will take one look at you and come up with a thousand things they want to do to you. And they will do them," he got out before I could respond, effectively making me shut up. "These people are ruthless and cruel, and they will see you as nothing more than a warm piece of meat they can chew up and throw away. You want to go there? Go ahead. I can't force you not to. But when you do come running back here, bloody and used and destroyed, don't expect me not to say I fucking told you so."
Your father's corpse is starting to look like an awfully nice place for you to get fucked on.
"Don't worry, Kieran," I muttered, the knot in my stomach getting tighter with boiling anger. "Whoever their worst patron is, I have seen worse," I said between gritted teeth.
Both Brandyn and Kieran looked at me with pity in their eyes. They didn't know my past. No one here did, but they knew that I had come to Silva as a refugee.
"Well, then, I hope tonight you give us a nice performance because this might just be your last..." Kieran muttered bitterly.
"I don't do nice performances," I replied and started heading to the stage. "I do the best."
Throughout my whole set, I thought through Kieran's words. And Brandyn's. I even thought of what Lys had told me the night before. They all had been so worried about it and from the sounds of it, they had good reason. But I had already set my mind to it, I was going to this Lacryrum even if it ended up meaning my death. I needed to know who wanted me to go there, as well as who had access to that teenager.
The image of that teenager circled my mind ever since I had woken up this morning. My gut had told me that the person who had sent them to hand me the address and the banknote was also the person who had given them the love marks. If what Kieran had told me was true and the people in that bar viewed me in that way, what did they do to that teenager?
I refused to think about it, the burning image of those marks forcing me to put in extra effort to not play the wrong note.
I had been working here at The Wooden Sword for the past year. When I first moved to Silva, I didn't have enough money to find a place to stay, without starving to death. At first, I performed at the town square until one night as I was playing by the corner next to The Wooden Sword a group of drunkards had decided my attention was what they sought. Kieran, who had kicked them out of his establishment, saw their vile behavior and scared them away from me.
I was grateful for it, despite being able to handle the situation. Fighting a few uncoordinated drunk men was something I could deal with. I had never been a fighter, but Yvan, being as protective and thoughtful as ever, had made sure I knew how to protect myself. I was in no place fit to fight an army. That had become painfully obvious to me the night of the destruction of Rosa. But, at the very least, I could survive the occasional asshole who considered any body theirs for the taking. And for some bizarre reason, Aiteall had a lot of those running around.
Either way, after Kieran had scared them off, he had offered me a drink, and by the time I finished the drink he had hired me as a barmaid. It had been rough at first, but soon enough I had gotten the hang of it. And once I got my first wage I was able to afford to rent an apartment, which had been the one I was currently living in. Lys was one of Kieran's friends and with his recommendation, she had been more than welcome to have me live in her building. After that, it was only a matter of time until Kieran found out I played the violin and changed my position from barmaid to entertainer.
I often missed it all. I missed playing the violin at Emmeline's balcony as she watched me while drinking wine. I missed going to balls and leaving old and wrinkly nobles out of their breaths with the songs I played for them. I missed those beautiful dresses that would make Emmeline stutter and blush at the sight of me. I often missed my life back in Rosa. But it was gone. It was all gone.
My shift most of the time ended late at night when the people in the bar were too drunk to pay attention to the music. On some nights, though, like this one, I got off earlier. Usually, those nights I would stay a little longer, grab a drink with Brandyn and Kieran. Sometimes, even with Rhett. But tonight, having already made plans, as soon as my shift was over, I was out of the bar and on my way back to my apartment.
I wasn't looking to get too dressed up for Lacryrum, but the clothes I had put on for my shift didn't feel right. I decided to change into one of the few dresses I owned as quickly as I could, knowing that Rhett would be here soon. When I heard the soft knock on my door I was almost done tying up the front of the light blue corset dress I had picked.
"I'll be damned..." Rhett said, breathlessly, as I opened the door. "You look stunning," he added, and I looked down, both to put on my boots and to not look at him.
"You don't look bad yourself," I replied, having caught a glimpse of the white shirt he had under his leather cloak.
"So, where do you want to go?" he asked me as soon as I put on my cloak and locked my door. I fiddled with the piece of paper that had the address written on it and let out an exhale.
"Well, there's this place I want to go check out... but if you don't want to go I-"
"No, it's alright. We can go wherever you want," he interrupted me, and I let out a nervous chuckle.
"You should hear me out before agreeing to this one..." I said under my breath as we stepped out to the freezing cold. We stopped in front of Mona's bakery, which was closed, and Rhett gave me a look that told me to go on. "Do you know of the bar Lacryrum?"
His expression immediately fell, something dark clouding his eyes. He tensed and looked around for anyone who could have overheard me, an exaggeration as no one was around.
"You want to go to Lacryrum?" he asked me hurriedly.
"Yes, I-"
"No. You should have said no just now. Are you insane?" Rhett cut me off again. I opened my mouth to answer his question, which clearly didn't need to be answered, but he didn't let me speak out. "Do you even know what kinds of people hang out at that place? There are way less dangerous bars to have drinks at."
"Look, someone wants me to go there so I-"
"Oh, so you are insane!" he snapped, and I flinched back. I had never seen this side of Rhett and compared to the man I had grown to care about I hated the person who was standing before me.
"I'm not making you come with me. Frankly, if I had known how dangerous this place was, I would not even have invited you to join me," I responded, not caring that I had raised my voice at him. He stepped back, surprised at my outburst. If he had the guts to show me another side of him, then I'd be damned if I didn't show him my true colors.
"Iseul, I–"
"It's Iseul," I barked and folded my arms under my chest, correcting him for what I wished was the final time. "You don't truly know me so quit thinking I'm this sweet little girl that will walk into that place and be doomed. That's not who I am. I'm someone who's lost everyone and everything. I'm someone who's ready to walk into that place and face whoever and whatever I have to face in order to get what I want."
"And what do you want?"
"Answers. I want some fucking answers."