I wonder why I tear myself down
To be built back up again
Oh I hope some how I wake up young again
All that's left of myself
Holes in my false confidence
And now I lay myself down
And hope I wake up young again
I took a long lunch today so that I could go to my mental health evaluation appointment.
Grayson offered to go with me. And, as much as I wanted to take her up on that offer, this was something that I knew I needed to do myself. I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to do this, to go alone and get help.
My leg was bouncing like crazy the entire time I was sitting in the waiting room. I was so fucking nervous and anxious.
But after it was over, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
The doctor referred me to a therapist to try in a few weeks and also wrote me a prescription to start me on a low dose of anxiety medication to see how I react to it.
I've tried going to therapy in the past. But the whole process is so exhausting. It can take a really long time for you to find someone that you mesh well with. Then it takes an even longer time to gain the strength to open up to them. I'm determined to put my all into it this time, though.
The therapist will hopefully help with my body dysmorphia and overall lack of self confidence. Therapy should also help me work through all that went down with Lindsey.
Speaking of all that went down with Lindsey, I have already been trying to navigate my feelings about that on my own time.
I told Grayson what happened with Lindsey a long time ago. But I want to try talking to her about it again. I love Grayson and I trust her. I feel like opening up to her and talking freely about what I went through will be good practice for therapy.
With my prescription filled and my therapy appointment scheduled, I feel pretty good. I feel like I'm making progress. I feel like I'm on track to be the best version of myself.
I have a great family. I have a good job. I have awesome friends. I have an amazing girlfriend. And I am healing.
The rest of the work day went by pretty smoothly. I had a little extra pep in my step because I'm proud of myself.
Grayson came to my office to ask me about how the appointment went. But I just told her we would talk about it tonight. I had work to do for my Tesla presentation anyway.
After work we decided that we would be spending the night at my flat. We stopped at the grocery on the way to pick up some things for dinner.
Grayson said she was in the mood for pasta. So pasta is what we made when we got to my place. She boiled the noodles while I prepared the sauce and toasted some garlic bread for a side dish.
Cooking with Grayson feels so domestic. And, fighting against my lack of self confidence and self destructive tendencies, I let myself imagine being domestic with her in a house of our own one day; one with a big yard a dog could run around in. While I watched her strain the pasta noodles, I thought about her doing so with a swollen belly, how beautiful she would look carrying our child. I thought about how before bed I would massage her equally swollen feet.
I tried to not let the loud voice in my head that ruins everything get to me. All it was telling me is that Grayson might not want that with me.
In the spirit of bettering myself, I actively fought not to listen to that voice.
It was hard, but I won that battle. The fantasy in my head of a future with Grayson was too good in those few minutes to let myself ruin it.
We talked about work and our upcoming thanksgiving plans over dinner. I think Grayson could tell that I was trying to stall the impending conversation about my appointment. She didn't mention it, though. I love how well she can read me and how considerate she is of me. She never pushes, only encourages.
After dinner, Grayson took a shower while I did the dishes.
Now we are cuddling on my couch as we watch Snoop Dogg videos on YouTube.
She is laying down, slotted between my legs, with her head on my chest. She's only wearing one of my t-shirts and a pair of my boxers. I love how she has plenty of clothes of her own here that she could have put on after her shower, but she chose to wear some of mine. Her small body is so adorable when it's swimming in my clothes.
I mindlessly play with her hair as we watch the videos together. She seems very relaxed. I, on the other hand, am trying to work up the courage to discuss with her the Lindsey stuff like I planned. "Hey, Gray?" My voice comes out weak and I hate that Lindsey still holds this power over me.
"Yeah, babe?" She hums and tightens her arms that are wrapped around my waist.
"So, uhm, I had that appointment today."
"How did it go?" She asks casually and keeps her tone calm. I know it's her way of trying to keep my anxiety levels low and I appreciate that. But I also wish that she didn't have to do that.
"It went well. I filled a script for a low dose of citalopram which should help with my general anxiety disorder and a little bit with my depression levels. I also made an appointment with a therapist."
Grayson turns her head from laying her cheek on my chest and looking at the video to crane her neck back to look at me. "I'm really fucking proud of you, you know that right?"
There's something about hearing someone genuinely tell you that they're proud of you that hits so deep inside your soul, makes you feel so loved and appreciated. You don't realize how badly you long for someone to tell you that until someone does.
"I love the fuck out of you, Gray. You know that right?"
She sits up and straddles my waist, putting both of her hands on each side of my head on the pillow that I'm using, hovering above me. Her hair falls down and curtains our faces. "I love the fuck out of you, Harry. You know that right?" She says before leaning down to give me a lingering kiss, one that settles all of my nerves and makes me melt into the couch.
I hum into the kiss, making it known how content I am when her lips are on mine.
"I wanna tell you more about the appointment." I tell her when she pulls back and hovers over me again. "I'm nervous. But I want to try talking about my, uh, feelings about things."
"I'm always here to listen." She moves to sit up now and I follow her lead. "I know that me saying that you don't have to be nervous doesn't help. I know you have a hard time confronting you feelings. But I will never judge." We sit facing each other on the couch now and she takes my hands and wraps them in her small ones. "I love you and am here for you always." She reassures me.
What the fuck did I do to deserve her?
"I, uhm, so yeah, I was on Spotify the other day and it recommended me this song." I start to ramble. "It kinda rattled me because I relate to it so much, I guess."
I pull one of my hands out of hers to pause the Snoop Dogg video and grab my phone off of the coffee table to pull up the song. "I was planning on bottling up this uneasy feeling it gave me. But today when I scheduled my appointment with a therapist, I decided that I wanted to try opening up to you about this first." I take a deep breath and look up from my phone to meet her gaze. "You make me feel safe, Gray. I think this would be a good first step for me to take."
She squeezes the hand of mine that she is still holding and brings it up to her lips to kiss my knuckles. "Thank you for trusting me and sharing with me."
I do trust her. She makes me feel safe. I'm healing. I repeat the mantra in my head to remind myself as I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and fight my nerves. "So, this song," I trail off, opening my eyes and looking back into her ever comforting green ones. "I feel like it explains how I felt when I was with Lindsey."
I feel Grayson tense up slightly just with the mention of her name. I know she hates Lindsey for what she did to me. "I don't think I will ever be good at putting my feelings into words. But this sums it up pretty well. Just listen." And with that, I press play on the song.
"I know I gave up things
And even fucked up dreams
But you've been here and I ain't ready to change
'Cause when the weight I pull
Begins to tear my rope
I know you'll carry me the rest of the way"
"You've left me bruised and scathed
I love the mess we made
Even the things we try to hide every day
It's like I fall so short
But you just still want more
So I will give until you take evеrything"
"I don't think that I will ever get еnough
(Of this!)"
"So kill me, I won't even feel it if you're with me
All that I can say is it's the worst I've had
But I'm fallin' deeper, yeah, I'm falling deeper in it"
"I woke to bloody hands
Another mark on me
You left me vacant and I'm starting to think
That if I sold my soul
And gave you all control
I think I've paid with all this struggle for peace"
"I gave it one last chance
To let my sickness pass
I ran a mile just to fall to your feet
So take my everything
Just let my last word sing
So they can see I'm not worth remembering"
"So kill me, I won't even feel it if you're with me
All that I can say is it's the worst I've had
But I'm fallin' deeper, yeah, I'm falling deeper in it"
"I'm saying "oh, oh, it's the worst thing I've ever had"
I'm saying "oh, oh, it's the worst thing I've ever had""
"Pacing, all alone
Chase me, I'm below
Crave me, from the soul
Or none at all
Pacing, all alone
Chase me, I'm below
Crave me, from the soul
Or none at all"
"So kill me, I won't even feel it if you're with me
All that I can say is it's the worst I've had
But I'm fallin' deeper, yeah, I'm falling deeper in it
So kill me, I won't even feel it if you're with me
All that I can say is it's the worst I've had
But I'm fallin' deeper yeah, I'm falling deeper in it"
"Pacing, all alone
Chase me, I'm below
Crave me, from the soul
Or none at all"
"Take care of fuckin' yourself
You fuckin' idiot"
I stop the song before it repeats again. I was looking at my lap the entire song, too nervous to watch Grayson's reaction.
Silence hangs between us for a few moments as I mentally gather the courage to take in her reaction. Then I hear her sniffle. That instantly has my head whipping up to look at her.
Her eyes are glistening with tears, threatening to spill over at any second. "Fuck that bitch for what she did to you. You didn't deserve any of it, Harry."
"I'm really trying to believe that." I speak truthfully. "I'm trying to love myself. I'm trying so hard. But she just took so much from me. I don't know how to get it back."
She sniffles again and I drop my phone, freeing my hand to wipe the tears from her eyes. "You're getting more of yourself back then you realize."
"It doesn't feel like it." I huff, frustrated. "Like, yes, I made a big step by making this appointment and actually going instead of canceling like I was tempted to. But I still feel so lost."
"Harry, when I first met you, you were scared to even show me your tattoos. You barely looked in the mirror. Now you will freely walk around without a shirt on. A photo of us together is the wallpaper on your phone instead of the photo of just me. And you initiated this conversation with me, knowing it would be hard for you." She points out. "You are making progress, you are healing, and I am so proud of you."
I didn't even realize the first two things that she mentioned. Holy shit. "You went through a significant trauma, Harry. It's normal to feel stuck or lost. But you will get through this."
I take a deep breath, needing a moment to let her words sink in. "Thank you for listening." I run my hand through my hair to push it out of my face. "It actually felt good talking about this." It did feel good to share that song with her. But it also felt very vulnerable and scary. I'm not used to being that open.
She lets go of my hand that she is still holding and reaches up to grab the sides of my head, pulling me down so she can place a big kiss on my forehead. "I'm glad." She moves to kiss the tip of my nose now. "I'm always here to listen." She kisses my lips now. "I love you."
"I love you, too." I reply and kiss her once more. "Can we go to bed now, though? That was mentally exhausting."
"Of course." She answers, standing up from the couch. "Let's go brush our teeth first. Dental hygiene is important, you know?" She says rhetorically, walking towards my bathroom.
I'm quick to get up from the couch and follow her, playfully smacking her ass when I reach her. "You got it, boss."