6, 8, 12 - Brian McKnight
Kabanata 34
I graduated with no one by my side. Tita Ellise volunteered but I didn't want the media to twist the story. Ayoko na madamay sina Etienne sa gulo na kinasangkutan ko. It was evident that they wanted to prolong the issue, tapos na pero binabalik-balikan nila para butasan pang muli.
Naninibugho pa rin ako sa mga kaklase ko na may kompanya na agad na papasukan. May mga naghihintay na negosyong aasikasuhin. May naiisip na hinaharap matapos ang kolehiyo.
Truly, I envy those who can dream. Those who can see themselves achieving great things. Those who have things planned ahead of them.
It is indeed silly how I can't see my future. I can't visualized it. Hanggang ngayon ay nanatili akong walang pangarap para sa akin. Maybe because I focused on making others flourished while I was withering; we tend to think putting others before ourselves is the right thing to do because being selfless is commendable and is a virtue. Yet, it's not always the case.
You cannot neglect yourself just because you want to be called as selfless. Hindi mo pwede ubusin ang sarili mo para sa iba dahil sa huli, sa sarili mo na lang mahahanap ang suportang matagal mo nang hinahangad.
I closed my eyes and wistfully think it through.
I was too dependent on others that instead of building my own castle, I helped them build their empire. At sa huli? Hindi pala ako kasama sa tahanan nila. That in the end, I was homeless and alone.
Mila Angeles uploaded: On Forgiveness and Moving On
Pinigilan kong i-bato ang cellphone ko sa bintana nina Etienne. Kumukulo ang ulo ko dahil sa nabasa ko. Hindi pa nakatulong na sila ni Mama ang thumbnail nito. Agad kong pinahid ang luhang lumabas sa aking mata.
Hindi na ako nanood ng vlogs n'ya. I unsubscribed from her channel and for my peace of mind, I deleted every social media account that I have in my phone.
For a year, I took a time off from everything. Naghanap ako ng mga pwedeng gawin para hindi isipin si Gio at ang pamilya ko. I just wanted some space and time for myself.
"Paulene, si Arrisea. . ." Etienne said, pointing towards a familiar woman. Agad naman na umawang ang labi ko. She's beautiful and she looked good when she's beside Etienne.
Girlfriend n'ya ba ito? Paano na si Lavy?
"Hi! Nice to meet you." tipid na ngumiti si Arrisea sa akin at bumaling muli kay Etienne. They have a relationship that I don't understand. Hindi ko alam kung kaibigan lang ba ang turing nila sa isa't isa o ano.
I worked for Etienne during the year that I wanted to function and do productive stuff. He hired me as his secretary because he knows that I'm still not comfortable working with other people. Humupa man ang issue, hindi na matatanggal ang lamat nito sa pagkatao ko.
"You can sue those comments, don't you know?" ani Etienne nang makita akong nagbabasa ng mga comments. Honestly, unti-unti ko na lang itong tinatawanan.
Iba pala kapag manhid ka na. No one can hurt you anymore or irrelevant comments from irrelevant people don't bother you anymore. Ganito pala pakiramdam ng mga artista. Masakit sa una pero nakakamanhid din makatanggap ng mga hindi mo hinihinging opinyon.
"Cybercrime exists, Paulene."
"For what? Ang dami nila, oh. Hindi naman lahat 'yan kasya sa iisang selda. Some of them don't even know me or they're not even a fan of Mila's. They just joined a hate wagon just because they can," sagot ko sa kan'ya.
It is the truth, they don't know me. They don't know Mila. They just want to project their hate on someone else instead of themselves. At nagkataon na ako ang nandoon para bigyan nila ng pansin.
Of course, the right thing to do is to report them. No one deserves to be berated in a huge number of people. No one deserves to be humiliated and attacked for doing nothing at all. No one absolutely deserves to be hated just because you're bored and they have a better life than you.
Pero naniniwala rin ako na balang araw ay dadalawin sila ng konsensya nila. That they were mean and cruel for no reason at all. I will live my life knowing that I did nothing wrong but their hands were inked with all of their harsh words that they have thrown at me during the lowest point of my life.
Sinubukan ko naman sa ibang mga kompanya pero iba ang trato sa akin. There were companies that even rejected me because of my height and other trivial things. Alam ko naman na kailangan maayos ka tingnan kapag nasa corporate ka na. Yet, I don't see why physical appearance should be one of the things that they look for when they're hiring.
It is discouraging. Kaya naman sinabihan ko si Etienne na huwag ito gagayahin. A person's ability is not based on what she or he looks like. It's not like the company that I applied for is a corporation that is part of the hospitality industry. Kaya naman hindi ko lubusan maisip kung bakit kailangan tingnan ang panglabas na anyo.
"Paulene, marketing ang tinapos mo 'di ba?" Etienne asked. Agad naman akong tumango habang naga-ayos ng schedule n'ya para sa araw na ito. He's young but he's already accomplished.
Pero hindi ako naiinggit sa kan'ya. I know, in my own time, I'll be there too. I might not achieved the same things but it doesn't mean that I'm a failure. It just means I was directed to a path that is more fitting for me.
"Arya wants to create her own cosmetic brand. Kaso wala siyang marketing plan, can you see to it?"
Napalingon ako sa kan'ya. I have nothing else to do after this, so I agreed. Nakipagkita ako kay Arya na kapatid ni Arrisea para simulan ang business plan n'ya at ako ang nag-asikaso ng marketing.
"What if we pick shades that will enhance every skin color?" tanong ko kay Arya nang namimili siya ng mga shades na ilalabas sa market n'ya.
"Ano'ng ibig mong sabihin, Ate?"
"Kasi ako, bilang morena, not all shades are good on me. You can sell this kind of shades to those who have fair skin, but to some morenas? It's definitely a no."
I focused on including different skin colors, skin types and the branding of Arya's cosmetic products. It took me a lot of time on researching about how women reacts when they're not included in the standards of how beauty is perceived in the media.
Nang magsimula na kami maglabas ng mga product, people were eagered to support Arya. It was because the models were not the typical fair skin and half pinay models. Kumuha ako ng mga model na parang araw-araw mo nakikita pero mga photogenic. Each shade were tried on different skin colors and skin type; lahat ng ito ay nagpakita ng kagandahan sa mga model na kinuha ko. I also considered the body shape of the models to add inclusion in Arya's brand.
I realized that in order for others to accept the diversity of being beautiful, I have to show them that fuck beauty standards. if you can't fit their standards, then you can set your own standards. If I cannot be beautiful in their eyes, then I'll be gorgeous in my own mind.
It took a few more years for me to gain that confidence. For someone who has low self esteem, people have to understand that they can't force someone to see beyond their flaws. Not everyone is confident. Not everyone can be confident. But we can try to be confident once in a while.
"You're jugging two jobs, hindi ka ba napapagod?" Etienne pointed out, he was busy typing on his computer. Some strands of his ash grey hair fell on his forehead, may suot din siyang salamin dahil bawal talaga siyang magbabad sa computer.
"No, I'm actually enjoying it. Syempre kumikita ako!" Halakhak ko. "I-tour pala kita sa condo ko!"
Arya's business skyrocketed. Grabe ang sales n'ya at halatang in demand ang mga produkto. She has different collaborations with famous brands. At bilang marketing head ng kan'yang negosyo, I get the incentives and money that provides my daily needs. Kasama na rin ang mga luho na noon ay hindi ko nabibili. Not to brag, but I earn six digits every month. Hobby ko na nga lang ang tumulong kay Etienne bilang secretary n'ya.
"Nabayaran mo na nang buo?" Etienne sported a smirk. Ngumiti lang ako at tumango.
I don't need anyone's house anymore. I bought my own one. I don't need anyone's validation and comfort. I can have those within me too. Binibisita ko pa rin si Papa pero hindi kami nagpapansinan ni Mama. Madalas din siyang nasa bahay ni Mila dahil nagpagawa na ito ng sarili n'yang bahay. She really loves Mila that much. Para talagang ito ang naging anak n'ya. Kahit na may pamilya na si Mila, Mama is still there for her.
Mila ventured into family vlogging after having her first baby. Kung noon ay puro siya beauty at personal experience, ngayon naman ay tungkol na sa pamilya.
She has her own family now. Good for her. It is after all, her dream and greatest insecurity.
Sa totoo lang, wala na akong maramdaman sa kan'ya. I am happy for her, for real. I was stupid to feel envy towards her. When I can also be successful in my own way. Hindi man kami pareho ng natamo sa buhay, pareho naman 'yata kaming masaya at successful ngayon.
Totoo pala na kapag ikaw ang inggit, ikaw ang talo. Hindi mo kasi nakikita ang mga hinanda para sa 'yo dahil nakatingin ka sa ibang plato. That's why instead of eating your own blessings, you're salivating over someone else's meal.
"Sir, Mr. Reverio would like to see you now." I announced to Etienne after I got a call from the reception. Hinanda ko agad ang keycard upang pagbuksan si Mr. Reverio, pero laking gulat ko nang makita na si Adren ito.
Of course, Reverio nga pala.
Pumasok si Adren na naka-suit, he looked cold but he immediately plastered a smile when he saw me.
"Paulene. . ." Adren recognized and I smiled back.
"Good afternoon, Sir. . ."
"Drop the formalities. Naging magkaklase naman tayo noon, Paulene." he chuckled lowly. Umupo siya sa upuan na para sa mga guests ni Etienne. Hindi siya binati ni Etienne kaya tumikhim ako. Bastos talaga 'tong batang 'to!
"Bakit ka nandito?" mabalasik na tanong ni Etienne. "Ang pangit na ng araw ko dahil sa 'yo."
"It's about your plan," Adren stated, revolving back to his cold exterior.
Tumingin sa akin si Etienne kaya naman agad akong tumango. I left his office because apparently what they had to talk about is private. Hinintay ko lumipas ang oras bago bumalik. I took a coffee break while waiting. Sakto naman na paalis na si Adren nang bumalik ako sa opisina ni Etienne.
"Ah, Paulene. I forgot to tell you, hindi ka kasi 'yata kasama sa groupchat namin. . ." Adren trailed off.
"Uh, oo. Nag-deact at nagbago kasi ng mga accounts." sagot ko sa kan'ya.
"May reunion kasi na gaganapin. I'll send you an invite in case you want to come." He smiled but immediately laughed. Agad naman itong napawi at humingi siya ng paumanhin.
"I'm sorry, may naalala lang kasi ako. . ." Adren licked his lower lip.
"Ano 'yon?" I frowned.
"Crush ka dati ni Gio no'ng senior highschool tayo." Adren smiled genuinely. "Crush na crush ka n'ya."
Kumirot ang puso ko. I can move on from Mila. I can move on from the hate. I can move on even with the treatment of my family. But I can't move on when it comes to him.
I regret letting him go.
It's been years. Alam kong CPA at Lawyer na siya sa tagal naming hindi nagkita. Wala na akong balita sa kan'ya pero alam ko sa puso ko na natupad din n'ya ang mga pangarap n'ya.
"A-ah, gano'n ba? CPA Lawyer na siya ngayon, ano?"
"Yeah, madalas din siyang nasa ibang bansa tuwing bakasyon niya. He was supposed to study there but for some reason, sa Pilipinas siya nag-aral pero umaalis din siya kaagad kapag bakasyon." Adren said, spilling some details for me.
"That's good. Siya ang pinakamagaling sa accounting sa atin. . ." I smiled.
You deserve that so much, Gio.
Pareho kaya tayong successful kung hindi tayo naghiwalay? I can't help but think about it.
Pero hindi rin maalis sa isip ko na hindi ako magkakaroon ng lakas ng loob kung palagi siyang nasa tabi ko. I will always be dependent on him if we didn't break up.
"Pero dati lang naman 'yon, Paulene. You don't have to worry or be awkward." bawi ni Adren nang makita ang reaksyon ko. He probably thinks that I feel awkward knowing about Gio's feelings about me.
Pero natutuwa nga ako. Para akong binabalik sa mga bisig n'ya. Naaalala ko ang ngiti ni Gio. I miss him. I miss everything about him.
"Noon lang naman 'yon saka. . ." Adren trailed on and smiled. I didn't know that the next words that will come out of his mouth will shatter me into pieces as if all of my efforts to build myself were futile. Na kahit pala gawin kong buo ang sarili ko ay palagi akong pipiliin na durugin.
"May girlfriend naman na si Gio ngayon. He's actually excited to introduce her in our reunion."
❛ ━━━━━━･❪보라해❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜