Betrayal.
I had my own ugly experience with betrayal before. First, when my mother stepped out of the door and out of our lives. It did as much damage a heartache could cause to a 10-year-old heart.
The second betrayal was with my father. When he promised to take care of me by selling his paintings, only to get rejected proposal after proposal until it broke his spirits. He blamed himself for not being good enough for my mother, and for his clients. He blamed his hand for not being able to paint the way he used to before. He blamed everything but me until he succumbed into his own demise by taking pills beyond his body could tolerate.
Papa fell asleep. And he never woke up again.
I gathered air in my lungs when my hands started trembling. Sinisi ko kaagad ang sarili dahil pinakialaman ko pa ito. I folded the paper neatly and placed it back into Rigor's compartment as my entire world crumbled before me.
Through the car window, I easily spotted him walking back into the car with a small smile on his face. Dala niya ang strawberry juice na pinapabili ko sa kaniya. He entered the car and hands it to me.
"Thanks,"
He immediately noticed my gloomy expression because he keeps glancing at me while buckling his own seatbelt.
"Ayos ka lang?"
Matamlay akong tumango. "Mainit," pagdadahilan ko saka sinimsiman ang inumin. I felt like puking, so I rested my head for a bit. Kanina gustong-gusto ko ng strawberry juice pero ngayon halos hindi ko na masikmura.
I didn't touch the strawberry juice again and didn't glance at him even once during the entire ride. My mind is racing. It's Sorcha's 4th day of funeral today. I am banned from attending her funeral, and Kirby is still mad at me. Just like her parents, he wants someone to blame. There is no one. There's only me.
Iniiwasan ko nang mag-overthink dahil sa purwesiyong dulot nito sa akin, noon pa man. Pero kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko talaga mapigilan ang sarili.
How could he do that to me? Has he been planning this all along?
A sob rose to my throat. I bit my lower lip and tried to think of something else instead but it's hard to do that when you are in an enclosed space with the guy who's been torturing your mind.
Hindi ako umimik nang makarating na kami. I left the untouched strawberry juice inside the car and went out immediately. Rigor hurried after me. Before I could reach the doorknob, he's grabbing my arm.
"Teka, may ginawa ba ako?" his voice is a mix of confusion and worry.
I shook my head. "Wala."
"Czarina..."
I took in a deep breath and glanced at him. "Not now, Rigor. You should go back to the hospital."
He hesitated while looking at me with genuine worry flashing in his forest eyes. I looked away. Damn it. I hate to see that look. I know I'll give in if he gives me that look.
"Okay." His shoulders slumped as he backed away slowly. Mahigpit na ngayon ang hawak ko sa doorknob habang pinapanuod ko siyang maglakad pabalik patungo sa sasakyan niya.
"Rigor!" I called as he reached for his car door.
He looked up at me, but says nothing.
I swallowed hard. "Is there anything... you want to say to me?"
A line of worry and confusion appears on his brows again. I opened my mouth to speak, but close it again and shakes my head.
"Nevermind. I'll just text you."
I never texted him.
Ang plano ay magpahinga sa apartment ko bago ko simulan ang mga assignments na na-miss ko dahil sa mga nangyari. But even before I could reach for my notebook, my phone rang.
Shantel's name flashed on the screen.
"Oh ano? Mangdedemonyo ka na naman?" pambungad ko sa kaniya.
It's crazy how we've gotten close in the past four days. She did nothing but be there. She didn't offer any comfort words, or hugs, or all will be alright bullshits. She just lingered around and it made me comfortable. She sat with me in the car when I can't enter Sorcha's funeral. Sometimes, she'd buy me a drink or whine about her boring classes just to fill the silence.
"I'm sooo bored." She moaned on the other line. "Let's go party."
I glanced at my clock. It's half past 8 in the evening.
"Wala ka bang ibang ma-disturbo dyan, ha?"
"Stormie's sleeping. I don't want to disturb her." I could already picture her pouting, probably in her ridiculously expensive robe inside her room.
I sighed. "Fine. Dala ka car. Ayokong magpasundo kay Rigor ngayon."
"Yay!" she squealed on the other line, and doesn't even try to ask what's wrong with us, which I really liked about her. "Be there in 15. See ya!"
Napailing ako at kaagad na binaba ang tawag. I abandoned my notebook and stepped inside the restroom to take a quick shower. Nasa loob pa lang ako ng banyo nang marinig ang malakas na pambubusina ni Shantel sa labas. I yelled at her to come in and stop disturbing my neighbors. Pumasok naman siya na ngiting-ngiti.
She sat on the edge of my bed and looked around my tiny apartment. She spotted one of my paintings, and pointed at it.
"That looks nice. Can I buy it?"
"Hindi." Suplada kong sagot sa kaniya. "Hindi mo yan afford."
"Hey! I still have my savings!" protesta niya.
I decided to wear a brown leather skirt and black cropped top tonight. Shantel will be taking us to one of the bars in town, so I guess this will do. She herself is just wearing a casual white eyelet bandeau top and black highwaisted flared pants.
Tumayo ang babae at nilapitan ang painting para inspeksyunin ito. Hinayaan ko nalang siya habang tinatapos ko ang makeup. My heart constricted painfully when this scene reminded me of my late best friend, how she's barge into my apartment, demanding me to go to a party with her, and then we'd exchange opinions about each other's outfits before going out.
"Dad has smuggled paintings in the house," she said with a laugh, putting back my own painting. "Stormie likes to stare at it. I guess it sparks her imagination. I just really don't have the heart to tell her that those paintings are literally stolen pieces because it would ruin her fantasies."
"Talaga?" nagtaas ako ng kilay habang nag-aapply ng lipstick. I watched her from my mirror.
She nodded. "Yup. He had more expensive pieces in his study, but we're not allowed to go in without permission. Yung naka-display sa grand parlor at dining hall, pati na rin sa staircase, yun lang ang nakikita namin."
The words grand parlor and dining hall made me dizzy. I'm sure this girl is living in a freaking mansion just like the Treverons.
"Anong ginagawa ng nanay mo?"
"Mommy doesn't work." She chuckled. "She's a socialite, I guess." She shrugged and looked away.
I nodded in understanding. She doesn't want to talk about her. I can understand that. I don't want to talk about my own mother, too.
I finished my makeup with a hint of blush and I also curled my lashes before grabbing my black purse. Shantel was excitedly telling me about this bar where her friend works, so I agreed to go there with her.
Habang nasa sasakyan, hindi ko maiwasang mapaisip kung saan ako pupulutin kung hindi niya ako pinagtiyagaan.
I must have gone back to smoking cigarettes or locking myself in my room for days that I forgot how to eat and the next thing I knew, I landed up in the ER for ulcer. I didn't manage to read the entirety of the letter, but I know exactly what it meant.
The familiar pain of loss stirred under my skin, rising to my throat, and it made me want to puke. I swallowed my sobs away and blinked back my tears. Shantel must've noticed. She always does. She blinked at my softly while her two hands are still busy with the steering wheel.
"Ayos ka lang?"
I nodded slowly. Ilang beses na rin akong natulungan ng alak at sigarilyo para kalimutan ang mga dapat kalimutan. Tonight shouldn't be any different.
"Kung wala ka sa mood-"
"Ayos lang." I insisted. When she just stared at me, I continued to press, nodding my head eagerly. "Talaga. Ayos lang."
She did not speak anymore. I liked that she didn't try to cheer me up after coming up with a conclusion that there was nothing else to cheer me up when I'm this fucked. Instead, she held my hand gently, almost sister-like, as she led me into a dark room full of dancing people and loud music everywhere.
Nagtungo kaming dalawa sa mataas na counter sa pinakadulo, kung saan naroon ang lalaking naka-itim na uniform. I assume he's the barista. His hair is short yet a bit messy. Some long strands curled at the end, giving me a hint of what it'd look like when his hair is longer. His eyes are dark, almost cruel, but he's got to have the best, friendliest smile I've ever seen.
"Shantel!" he called, setting down a tall glass of a pale pink liquid in front of a female customer. Halata namang nagpapa-cute ang customer sa kaniya, pero hindi niya pinansin.
Shantel settled in one of the stools in front of the counter, and gestured for the empty stool next to her. I occupied it while my gaze scanned the variety of liquors and alcohol I could drown myself with tonight.
"Czarina, this is Kyros. Kyros, Czarina." Maikling pagpapakilala ni Shantel sa aming dalawa.
Kyros grinned at me, offering his hand. "I'm Kyros. Shantel's best friend."
"Ulol," Shantel retorted. "I don't do best friends."
"Nahihiya lang siyang aminin," pabulong niya pang sabi. "Sad girl kasi yan sa school." He leaned closer and smiled at me. "What can I get you?"
I smiled and shrugged. Hindi naman ako maalam sa mga alak. Umiinom ako pero yung mga in-offer lang sa akin sa inuman o di kaya mga party na dinadaluhan ko.
"I'll leave it to you. I'm hoping for something strong."
He whistled and nodded, then turned to Shantel. "The usual?"
She nodded without taking her gaze off her phone. Mukhang busy sa pagtitipa ng text sa kung sino. I cleared my throat and glanced around. I've been here once, before. But it was with Sorcha. She's so fond of bar hopping that we'd end up super drunk on our third bar.
"Czarina?"
Napatingin ako kay Shantel. She's smiling at me now. Inabot sa akin ni Kyros ang inumin ko. It's a pale blue liquid served in a crystal glass. It looks very harmless, but the smell itself is too strong. I swallowed and brought the glass to my lips, then took it in three gulps. Gumuhit agad ang hapdi sa lalamunan ko. It left a very bitter yet sweet aftertaste.
"Let's dance!" Shantel exclaimed and dragged me to the dancefloor.
Halos siksikan at hindi kami makagalaw sa dami ng tao. Shantel bumped into a few people and giggled, halatang tinatamaan na ng alak. I raised both my hands and started jumping up and down when my favorite Lorde song started playing.
Every night, I live and die
Feel the party to my bones
Watch the wasters blow the speakers
Spill my guts beneath the outdoor light
It's just another graceless night
I hate the headlines and the weather
I'm nineteen and I'm on fire
But when we're dancing I'm alright
It's just another graceless night
Someone's whispering to my ears but I ignored him. I'm not in the mood to flirt, even though every inch of the skin of my body aches to be touched, I want it to be Rigor, despite the recent betrayal.
I swatted his hand away when it landed on my waist and move away from the dancefloor, dragging Shantel with me. Natapon-tapon pa ang drinks sa kamay niya habang bumabalik kami sa mini bar. Tumigil siya at inubos muna ang laman ng baso bago nagpatianod ulit sa akin.
I was panting by the time we got there, so I ordered more drinks. Kyros kept serving, but he's keeping an eye on both of us. The annoying guy from the dancefloor followed me to the bar and even sat next to me.
"I have a boyfriend," I frowned at my drink.
He chuckled. "I know. Rigor, right?"
Umismid ako at sinimsiman ang inumin. How the hell does he even know about him?
"Kilala mo naman pala, eh. Tantanan mo na ako."
"Relax." He laughed again and ordered a drink for himself. "I was just surprised. We all know that Rigor is leaving, so I thought he wasn't serious with you."
My lips went into a thin line. Ang pamilyar na panghahapdi sa dibdib ko ay bumalik na naman sa bawat bitaw ng salita ng lalaking ito. I glanced at him and scoffed. Long hair, arm tats, and baggy jeans. He's obviously an art student. A classmate of Rigor.
"What are your plans anyway? Susunod ka ba sa kaniya sa Baltimore?"
Hindi ako nakaimik. My grades aren't even that great. Students who are offered a slot for Masters of Arts in Museum Studies are really outstanding. No idiot would pass up on that rare opportunity.
The thing is, the offer existed months ago... just a few weeks after we started dating. He didn't even bother to mention it to me.
A sob formed in my throat, making it hard to swallow. Kinuha ko ang baso at tinungga ang natitirang inumin hanggang sa mahilo. I don't know how to answer him and his intrusive questions. Nagmumukha lang akong tanga dahil hindi alam kung ano ang isasagot sa kaniya. Nakakagago.
I forced myself to snap out of it and dragged Shantel back into the dancefloor. I'm here to forget everything just for a while, so this is what I'm going to do. I danced until my feet hurt. Shantel danced and laughed for no reason, and I joined her. We were so exhausted that the next thing I knew, we were lying on the cold bathroom floor.
"My head spins..." Shantel groaned next to me.
"Nasusuka ako," I confessed, but I don't have the energy to get up into the sink and puke.
"Oh my God, don't you dare suka on me! I'll kill you!"
Nagtaas ako ng kilay sa sinabi niya. So this is drunk Shantel, huh.
"Di kita susukahan, huwag kang mag-alala."
She giggled again. Kanina ang ganda-ganda pa niyang tingnan habang tumatawa pero ngayon para na siyang timang. The mascara smeared on her face and her lipstick had faded away. She's still pretty, though, just a little crazy.
"My life is soooo sad, you know?" she moaned and punched weakly on the tiles.
"Di ka nag-iisa, girl."
"I'm always, always trying my best..." her lips trembled as she looked down. "But it's not enough."
"Di nga ako enough sa Nanay ko, eh."
She snorted. "Me too, me too."
I don't want to end the night crying each other's problems, so I dragged myself up and pulled my drunk friend with me. We were clumsy in the sink, but we managed to fix our makeup and hair and then floated back to the party.
No matter how exhausted you are, if you have alcohol running in your veins, you'll never feel a thing. The world spins, the background music faded away. Everything is in slow motion. I couldn't understand what Shantel was saying, so I just nodded and laughed but she's just looking at me seriously and gesturing at my back.
Confused, I turned and was met by a familiar pair of unsmiling lips and dark forest eyes. Rigor stood out in the dancefloor for being so dark and gloomy while the rest of the place is pulsing with life and energy.
Tumigil ako sa pagsasayaw at sinimangutan siya. what is he doing here, anyway?
"Let's go." His jaw clenched when I tripped on myself and giggled, knowing how drunk I am right now.
"No, you go ahead. I'm having fun here." I said cattily and turned away. Nakakatatlong hakbang lang ako pabalik sa kaibigan nang higitin niya ulit ang braso ko. I protested but it's as if he never heard a thing.
"Ano ba! Nagsasayaw pa ako, eh! Gago ka ba?!"
"Your mouth."
"Oh, bakit? Totoo naman, ah! Gago ka!"
"Czarina."
Kyros appeared out of nowhere, looking slightly pissed.
"Bro, drop it. She has a boyfriend."
"I'm her boyfriend." Rigor hissed. Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Kyros at napatingin sa akin, nanghihingi ng kompirmasyon. I nodded weakly. He hesitated for a bit before nodding and moving away.
Rigor didn't say anything else and just grabbed my bag before dragging me out of the bar. Hindi na rin ako umalma. My feet hurt so bad and my head feels like it's going to explode. We reached the dark parking lot. He went straight to his car and opened the door before he looked at me.
"Get in."
"Huwag ka ngang demand nang demand!" Singhal ko sa kaniya, pero pumasok din naman ako sa kotse. I sighed in relief the moment my butt hit the soft leather. I'm so tired and drained.
He shut the door and circled around the car before getting in the driver's seat. Agad niyang pinaandar and kotse. I scoffed and crossed my arms over my chest. Hilong-hilo na talaga ako. I sucks in a small breath in an attempt to calm myself.
Rigor suddenly reached between us for a bottle of water and handed it to me without saying a word. I accepted it wordlessly and took a sip, feeling a bit better. I started to recognize the familiar streets. He's taking me back to my apartment.
Huminga ako nang malalim at kaagad na lumabas ng kotse nang mag-park na siya. he called me but I continue to ignore it as I fumbled my way in the dark, into my doorway, and at last in front of my locked door.
I started fishing for my keys inside my bag but I couldn't find it and I could feel Rigor coming up to me. the frustration is starting to form, and I let out a curse as I panicked and searched deeper. When I finally found it, the stupid keys slipped from my fingers and made a thud when it hit the ground, then bounced down into the cemented stairs.
"Fuck!!" I cursed wildly, crouching down to fetch my keys but Rigor beat me to it. tiningnan ko siya nang masama, pero ramdam ko na ang pag-iinit ng sulok ng mga mata ko. I tried to snatch the keys from him but he just walked past me and opened the door himself.
Frustrated, I ran my fingers through my damp hair and went inside. Nagkatinginan lang kaming dalawa habang nakatayo sa maliit kong sala. I gestured towards the closed door.
"Pwede ka nang umalis. Magpapahinga lang ako. Salamat sa paghatid."
"Wow, parang driver lang, ah?" sarkastiko pero pagalit niyang wika sa akin.
"Sino ba kasi nagsabing sunduin mo ako?" pagsusuplada ko sa kaniya. I started taking off my shoes and then went inside the bathroom, hoping he'd be gone by the time I'm finished.
I washed my makeup off and tied my hair, then grabbed the toothbrush. I hit the back of my throat with its end and began throwing up everything I drank tonight. I was heaving when I washed my mouth and brushed my teeth. Nang makalabas ako, agad akong sumimangot nang makita pa rin siyang nakatayo kung saan ko siya iniwan kanina.
"Gusto mo ba ng tip? Pasensiya na, wala akong pera. Nilibre lang ako ni Shantel-"
"Czarina!"
Now, he's mad.
I could tell. Whenever he's mad, his jaw clenches and his eyes are one shade darker than usual. The veins in his arms are threatening to pop. His voice becomes harsher, and every word that rolls out of his mouth are knives that can cut clean a chest open, even when it's not his intention.
I tried to be calm, too, but I feel like I am going to burst. This is all too much. My mother finally leaving me after years of fixing myself with crumbs of her love, me betraying my best friend, Kirby thinking I'm the worst person alive, and me thinking the same. Now... this.
Rigor cursed under his breath and took a few angry steps towards me that I thought he was gonna hit me. Instead, he grabbed my cheek and claimed my lips. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. But before I could protest, he was deepening the kiss and nudging me farther and farther until my back hits the wall.
I melt into him as I closed my eyes, angry at him and angry at myself. My anger is melting away, too. It drained out of me and is now pooling at my feet. All I could feel is his hands tearing away at my top. My leather skirt hiked up to my mid-thigh as I wrapped my legs around him. He grunted and touched me down there. I trembled.
Our bodies started to push and pull with each other, melting, and merging. I could hear my own moans and Rigor's grunts as he entered me. Hindi mapakali ang mga kamay ko at natagpuan ang takas niyang buhok. I began pulling at his hair when he started thrusting. My stomach tightened. My skin feels hot where Rigor has touched it. I tipped my head back and moaned his name once more when I came into my release. He tightened his grip on the back of my ass. His moves are getting faster and harder until he reached his own climax. My body went limp with him. He's still pressing my back against the wall.
Isinandal ko ang baba sa balikat niya at hinayaang tumakas ang luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan.
"Liar." I whispered into his ears.
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#HanmariamBFLChap24