WAYO — Bang Ye Dam
Kabanata 33
"Is she okay? Do you want me to call our doctor?" matinis na ani ng kausap ni Etienne.
I covered myself in the thick sheets that the bed offered. Hindi ko maaninag ang mga nakapaligid sa akin dahil nanlalabo ang mga mata ko. I could feel my tears slowly falling. The valves of my heart felt like it was clogged yet it is only filled with emptiness.
"Alak na lang, Mom. Iinom na lang namin 'to."
"Etienne!"
I decided to take a quick nap because I was just too tired to even think. Yet, even in my dreams, it was vivid how everyone rejected me just because of my flaws. When I woke up, it was already dusk and I could only hear classical music playing in the background. Napabalikwas ako nang mapagtantuan na nasa mansion ako nila Etienne.
Nilibot ko ang paningin ko. The fancy furnitures and minimalistic motif made me feel so small. Alam ko naman na hindi ako lumaki sa luho at yaman pero mas pinamukha lang nito na dukha ako.
"Uh, hi. . ." an elegant woman slowly approached me with a tray on her hand. Puno ito ng pagkain at mayroon pa ngang gatas.
Hindi ako sumagot. I can't even feel my own voice. Para bang kapag narinig ko ang sarili kong boses ay manghihina ulit ako. I feel uncomfortable with my own skin and even my thoughts are haunting me. Kahit ang sarili kong boses ay kinakatakutan ko.
"You should at least eat, umalis lang sandali si Etienne pero if you need anything. I'm here. . ." she gently said, almost inaudible. Siguro ay kinakapa n'ya pa kung paano ako kakausapin.
I smiled a bit and took the tray from her. Kahit wala akong gana kumain ay sinubukan ko pa rin sumubo kahit ilang kutsara lang. The woman only watched me from afar, halatang takot na baka mailang ako sa kan'ya.
"O-okay lang po ako," namamaos kong banggit at nilayo na ang tray sa akin. May isang katiwala ang nagligpit nito. The woman bubbly sat next to me.
"I'm Ellise Soteiro." She beamed and look directly at my eyes. Nakuha n'ya ang kutis ni Etienne, her features are alike with Etienne too. Maliban sa mata, para siyang Etienne na ginawang babae.
"Paulene po. . ."
"Your cheeks are swelling, nagpa-ready na ako ng ice bag para lagyan 'yan. But I recommend that we should see a doctor. . ." aniya, puno ng pagaalala.
Umiling naman ako. Truth to be told, I don't feel anything anymore. Ni hindi ko na nga alam kung ano'ng klaseng sakit ito. Kahit siguro ipasagasa ako ngayon ay wala na akong mararamdaman. Even if I was struck with manifolds of affliction, I won't feel a thing.
Akala ko kaya kong takbuhan ang sakit. I didn't know that even if I ran away from the pain, I will only go back to the same tormenting cycle. It's as if I'm a small sea shell, trying to my best to reach the shore but constantly being pulled back in the deep horrendous sea.
Paulit-ulit na lang ang sakit. Hindi pa ako nasanay. Hindi naman ito nagbabago. I drew a deep breath. Napalingon ako kay Tita Ellise.
"Nasaan po si Etienne?"
I have decided to finally do the right thing.
I have to let Gio go.
He doesn't deserve this kind of love. For the past four years, I know we weren't like the other couples. We were not balance. It was ironic, accountancy student si Gio pero hindi n'ya alam ang tamang balanse pagdating sa relasyon.
I was dependent on him. And he let me depend everything on him. Kasalanan ko kung bakit kami humantong sa ganito, I choose to let myself be blinded that everything is normal and okay when it's not.
It's obvious that my insecurities are eating me. Pero pumasok ako sa isang relasyon kung saan alam kong mas kakainin ako ng mga nararamdaman ko. Lalamunin ako nito.
That's why I have to let him go.
He deserves better. And obviously, that's not me. Not yet. Not this version of me.
Alam ko naman 'yon.
Ilang minuto lang ay pumasok si Etienne sa kwarto na tinutuluyan ko. He sported a smug expression on his face. Agad naman akong ngumiti sa kan'ya.
"Long time no see," bati ko. Agad n'ya akong binigyan nang tipid na tango. He went towards me and lifted my chin. He was examining my face.
"Sinampal ka ni Gio? Mama mo? Camila Angeles?" sunod-sunod n'yang tanong habang kunot ang noo. He was obviously not pleased with how my cheeks turned out. Ilang beses ba naman akong sampalin. Hindi rin nakakapagtaka na alam n'ya 'yong issue. Mila is the media's sweetheart, of course they will milk on every issue that she is involved with.
"Hindi."
"Sino?"
"Hindi na mahalaga —"
"You think you're helping them by letting them get away with it? Hindi ka ba naaawa sa mga susunod nilang gagawan ng ganito dahil lang hindi mo sila binigyan ng leksyon ngayon?" Etienne said, lifting a brow. Kaya naman hindi agad ako nakapagsalita. Ilang segundo ako tumahimik bago sumagot.
"Hindi ko sila kilala."
"Anong lugar?"
"What?"
"I asked, anong lugar?" tanong n'yang muli, naririndi na sa akin.
"A mall near my dorm," sabi ko. I told him the specific address when he frowned at me.
"Saan doon?"
"Parking lot. . ."
He nodded, parang pamilyar sa kan'ya ang sinabi kong lugar. Agad na may tinipa sa kan'yang cellphone. He called someone immediately. Agad naman nitong sinagot ang kan'yang tawag.
"Hello, this is Etienne Soteiro. Uh huh, yeah. Wala naman. Gusto ko lang humingi ng kopya ng CCTV footage nitong araw? Sa parking lot lang. Thank you. Tell my regards to your boss." pumalatak si Etienne matapos ibaba ang tawag. Agad n'yang tiningnan ang phone n'ya.
"Ako na bahala roon, easy lang 'yon. Magpahinga ka na muna." bilin ni Etienne at tinago ang kan'yang kamay sa kan'yang bulsa.
"Bakit silver ang buhok mo?"
"I dyed it?" mataray na sagot ni Etienne. Umirap na lang din ako. Hindi na nakipagtalo sa kan'ya. I was just curious, pero bagay naman kay Etienne 'yong buhok n'ya. Weird but he's weirder anyway.
Tinulungan ako ni Tita Ellise magpalit ng damit. Agad akong umiling ng mga designer dapat ang mga ipapasuot n'ya sa akin. She pouted because she obviously wanted to dress me up. Pero ayoko dahil hindi rin ako sanay.
I stayed with them for a night. Hindi masyadong nagtanong si Etienne sa akin. He just knew that I had a bad day. I appreciate that.
"Ihahatid kita pabalik ng dorm mo?" tanong n'ya sa akin kinabukasan habang nasa hapagkainan kami. The dining table of their mansion reminds me of how aristocrat families dine together.
Nasa ibang mundo pala talaga si Etienne. I knew he was rich but not this rich. Barya nga lang talaga siguro sa kan'ya noon ang mga album na binigay n'ya.
"Oo," I nodded and ate a piece of my breakfast sausages. From the piece of lettuce in the side, it's obvious that this family is too extravagant. "Salamat pala sa inyo ni Tita Ellise."
Hindi na muling nagtanong si Etienne matapos 'yon. He just watched me as I finished my breakfast up until we reached his car. Tesla. I smiled bitterly.
If I was rich, would I be feel less insecure? Hindi ko siguro magiging problema ang mga bagay-bagay kung mayaman ako tulad ni Etienne. It is unfair how they say money can't buy happiness when some of the sources of our happiness are from material things and can be bought by money.
Bumuhos ang ulan. Sumabay sa dalamhati ko ngayon. I can't help but smile at the sky. It makes me appreciate nature more. How it can describe the tones of our emotion. Sun for our happiness. The moon for our tranquility. The rain for our sadness, and the rainbow that comes right after it. The hope that after our sadness, there is something beautiful in our pain.
Hinatid ako ni Etienne papunta sa gate ng dorm namin, hindi pa tumitila ang ulan pero ambon na lamang ito. My eyes broadened when Etienne pulled me towards his chest and buried my face on his neck. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang bigat ng kan'yang paghinga. His scent filled my nostrils.
"Hide your face," Etienne whispered in a low tone. Tumango naman ako sa kaba.
"Bakit? You guys have a kink for couples making out?" Etienne snickered towards someone. Ang mga hakbang nila ay patungo sa amin. I tightly clutched on Etienne's polo.
"N-nandito lang kami para kay Paulene Angeles. . ."
My heart tripled the movements of its heartbeats. Naalala ko na naman ang pagsampal sa aking mga pisngi at kung paano walang tumulong sa akin ni isa. I begun to tremble in fear.
"Ah, I heard she went towards a mall. Babe? Right? Dorm mates mo 'yon?" Etienne prompted me to answer. Agad akong tumango bilang tugon.
"See? Wala rito si Paulene." Etienne said firmly. Kahit ako ay maniniwala kung ganito ang tono ng kausap ko. He was good at making someone believe his lies.
"S-sige, una na kami." aniya ng kausao ni Etienne. I could feel their presence, mukhang mga reporter o di kaya'y mga nakikibalita tungkol sa amin.
I heard footfalls gradually leaving. Agad na humiwalay sa akin si Etienne. He even looked stoic and he flinched. Kaya naman napalunok ako.
"Thank you," saad ko ngunit hindi siya sumagot. Tinalikuran n'ya lang ako pero muling humarap sa akin.
"You can't stay here, babalikan ka ng mga 'yon. Get your stuff, you'll stay with me for a while."
"Hindi pwede, abala lang sa iyo at saka. . ." I cleared my throat. "May boyfriend ako. Gio wouldn't like that. . ."
"Magiging ex boyfriend mo naman 'yon," Etienne said, vaguely.
"Excuse me?"
Ngumiti lang sa akin si Etienne. "I've seen a lot of break ups and trust me, I think I have seen this one already."
Binulabog ako ng sinabi ni Etienne. I just want some space for now. Ayoko lang madamay si Gio sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko. And honestly, I can't stop thinking about it. Ang pakikipaghiwalay sa kan'ya.
I looked at my phone. Sakto na tumawag at nag-text si Gio kanina sa akin. Hindi ko nasagot dahil sa nagtago ako sa mga reporters. I decided to chek it.
Gio:
Pau. Nakahanap na ako ng review center! Kain tayo sa labas?
Saan ka ngayon?
Nagkita ba kayo ni Mama? Sinabihan ko siya na baka magkita kayo ni Tita ngayon. Sorry. Alam ko kasi na hindi kayo okay ng Mama mo. Hindi naman sa nanghihimasok ako.
Paaaauuuu hehe
Naiwan mo payong mo sa bag ko. Kinikilig ako. Alam mo bang uulan kaya iniwanan mo ito?
Kita na lang tayo sa dorm mo 😁
The last message broke my heart. Agad kong pinahid ang mga luhang bumagsak dahil sa mensahe n'ya.
Gio:
Pau, iniwan ko na lang pala sa gate ng dorm mo 'yong payong mo. Huwag kayong magpa-ulan ni Etienne. I love you.
Humagulgol ako. Tang ina naman e. Bakit ba hindi mo magawang magalit?! Bakit ba ganito ka kabait, Gio? I asked numerous questions in my head.
I don't deserve you, Gio.
Kahit saang anggulo ay hindi ko makita kung bakit mo ako nagustuhan o bakit mo ako minahal. You're almost perfect while I can't even point my own assets. I don't even know where I'm good at. Hindi ako maganda. Hindi ako matalino. Wala rin akong talent. I'm only above average and that's nothing compare to him.
Paulene:
Hinatid lang n'ya ako.
Gio:
Alam ko po. May tiwala ako sa 'yo, Paulene. Ako pa ba? Ipagpapalit mo sa bubwit na 'yon. Hmp.
Paulene:
Mas matangkad siya sa 'yo, Gio.
Gio:
Paulene naman 😔 ang mahalaga, mahal mo ako.
Pau, kita pala tayo bukas sa simbahan bukas. May ipapakita ako sa 'yo.
Paulene:
Okay :)
I cried as I prepared myself for tomorrow. Hinayaan ko na maubos ang luha ko ngayong gabi para bukas ay wala nang lalabas. Hindi na ako iiyak. Tama na.
I wore my most beautiful oufit for that day. It was a purple plaid dress, tinerno ko ito sa puting doll shoes ko. I wore the clips that Gio bought for me when we were in senior highschool. Hindi ko ito ginagamit noon dahil tinabi ko. Pero ngayon ay gagamitin ko na.
"Paulene!"
Sinalubong ako ni Gio sa bungad ng simbahan. Walang masyadong tao dahil hindi naman linggo ngayong araw. He was wearing a white polo and beige pants. Mukha siyang kabado.
"Hindi ba tinatanong mo sa akin noon kung saan galing 'yong picture ko sa 'yo sa simbahan?" panimula ni Gio habang naglalakad kami patungo sa benditera. The church was old fashioned but its architecture was obviously inspired by the spaniards.
"Oo. . ." I drawled.
"Hindi mo na 'yata tanda pero noong bata ka. . . May nakita kang sakristan na galing sa bakasyon kaya medyo umitim." Gio scratched his nape and laughed nervously. "Hindi na nga siya sobrang puti tapos nagbabad pa siy sa pool no'n. Kaya naman tustado, uling at kung anu-ano pa ang naging pangasar sa kan'ya noon. . ."
Natigilan ako. That scene seems familiar, I do remember meeting someone in a church but it wasn't that impactful. Bata pa ako no'n. Napalingon ako kay Gio na kabadong nakatingin sa akin. His eyes were looking for answers in my expression.
"Ikaw lang 'yata 'yong nagsabi sa kan'ya na ang ganda ng kutis n'ya at. . . Ang gwapo-gwapo n'ya na balang araw kung magkikita kayong muli ay papakasalan mo siya. . ."
Nangilid ang mga luha ko. Bakit naman ganito? Bakit ngayon pa? I bit my lower lip to suppressed the pain inside my chest.
"At gusto na sana ng sakristan na 'yon sabihin na katabi mo siya ngayon. . . Kaya naman pwede mo bang tuparin 'yong sinabi mo?" Gio smiled even if his eyes were misty. Ang mga luha ay nagbabadya na rin. He slowly gets a small white box in his pocket.
"Paulene, will you—"
"No." I shook my head profusely while crying. "No, Gio. I'm sorry."
He halted his action. Halata na hindi n'ya inaasahan ang reaksyon ko. Nakita ko kung paano ko siya dinurog gamit ng isang salita at dalawang letra. It was just a simple no, but his entire system broke down.
Agad akong lumayo sa kan'ya at lumabas ng simbahan. Hinabol n'ya agad ako.
"Paulene! Sandali, b-bakit?" he sounded confuse as he kept on following me. Binibilisan ko ang bawat hakbang ko palayo sa kan'ya ngunit nahuhuli n'ya pa rin ang distansya ko.
"Gio, please. It's not the right time."
"Ah? G-gano'n ba? Okay! N-next time, gagalingan ko—"
"No! Gio! Hindi." mangiyak-ngiyak kong hiyaw nang nasa labas na kami.
"Paulene. . ." Gio mumbled, sniffing. Lalong nadurog ang puso ko. Mas naging puro ang pagdurog nito. He was crying. Because of me. The boy who kept on making others laugh, was crying because of my own selfishness.
"Gio, I just realized that I'm not good enough for you." I blurted out angrily. Umiiyak na rin dahil gusto na ito tapusin at wakasan.
I can't continue this. I can't keep on hurting him. Apat na taon na siyang nagdudusa sa pagmamahal na kulang at hindi sapat. Relasyon na hindi siya kayang ipagmalaki. Isang girlfriend na siya lang ang nakakaalam.
"Mahal kita, Paulene." He uttered slowly.
"Gio, marami pang iba na pwede mong mahalin. Hindi ako maganda. Hindi ako matalino—"
"Mahal kita, Pau. . ." he cut me off.
"Gio! Wala akong maibibigay sa 'yo! No one likes me for you! I'm not good enough for you! Hindi ako nababagay sa 'yo! I'm not tall, I'm not fair, I don't have any talent! Wala akong pangarap, Gio —"
"Mahal na mahal kita, Pauletta Jayne Angeles. . ." mariin n'yang saad habang pinupunasan ang kan'yang mga luha. "Sobra kitang mahal. . ."
"Gio. . ." I weeped. Nginitian lang n'ya ako kahit tumutulo na rin ang luha n'ya.
"Kahit ano pang sabihin mo o sabihin nila, hindi nagbago na mahal kita. Hindi 'yon magbabago, Paulene. Mananatili. Umaapaw. Mahal na mahal kita." aniya.
Bumagsak ang balikat ko. It was exhausting to talk to Gio. He was stubborn. He was too faithful. Hindi natitibag. He wouldn't let me go. The only way that I could sever our ties is by . . .
I swallowed hard and kept my eyes close.
Naramdaman ko ang bahagyang paglipat sa akin ni Gio. Unti-unti niyang kinapa ang mga pisngi ko. I felt his forehead on mine.
"Your flaws don't define you and I don't care about it. Pakinggan mo naman ako, Paulene. Parati na lang sila ang pinapakinggan mo. Ako naman sana. . ."
Nilapat ko ang labi ko sa kan'ya. I gave him a kiss to remember for a lifetime. . .
Because this might be the last.
"M-mahal din kita, Gio." I opened my eyes and saw him smiling at me. "Pero, patawarin mo sana ako. Sorry t-talaga. Mahal kita pero sorry. . ."
Tinanggal ko ang hawak n'ya sa akin. I shook my head and bowed in shame. Agad akong umalis nang hindi man lang nagpa-paalam sa kan'ya. I hailed the nearest taxi that I encountered. Sumakay agad ako at hindi na muling lumingon pabalik.
I covered my mouth to cry silently. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko para tawagan si Etienne.
"Etienne," I called.
"Ang bilis n'yo naman mag-break. . ." Etienne chuckled on the other line. "Hindi mo man lang pinasaya kahit sandali, Paulene. Mas malala ka kay Arrisea."
I ignored his statement and continued with my request. "Pwede bang d'yan muna ako? A-ayokong makita ako ni Gio o kahit sino. . ."
"Okay," he replied briefly. "Come here."
Nakarating ako sa mansion nila Etienne. Tita Ellise welcomed me wholeheartedly and even prepared a whole room for me. Si Etienne naman ay nakangisi lang sa akin nang salubungin ako.
"What's your plan?" tanong n'ya nang kami na lang ang magkasama sa kan'yang opisina. He has his own office in their mansion.
"Iiwasan ko s-si Gio. . ." saad ko nang makita umupo si Etienne sa swivel chair n'ya.
"He doesn't deserve that." Etienne said, gradually parting his lips. "Mahal ka no'ng tao. The least that you could do is offer him some reason on why you need a break. . ."
"He wouldn't let me go. I don't have a choice. This is way better." Napapikit na lamang ako at sinandal ang ulo ko sa upuan.
"No closure? No goodbyes? Are you sure?" Etienne smirked, evilly. "Damn girl, what a heartbreaker."
"Kaya mo ba ako tulungan?" I asked.
"Sure. That's easy. But the consequences are not my liabilities, that's the only thing that I ask in return." He beamed at me, like a child who found his new toy.
Tumango naman ako.
I took a deep breath when I returned to the room that Tita Ellise gave me. Umupo ako sa kama at kinuha ang cellphone ko. There were multiple texts and misscalls from Gio. Puro ito sorry at kung anu-ano pa.
Gio:
Pau
I'm sorry.
Let's talk, please.
I didn't want to pressure you. Kung hindi ka pa handa, maiintindihan ko naman.
Paulene, I love you. Mahal kita. I stan you. I love you. Pau.
I cried as I deleted those messages but then I realized that Gio wouldn't stop so I took out my simcard and destroyed it.
We have no means of communication anymore. Tapos na. Titigil na siya.
But no. . .
"Paulene, si Lavy lang ang gusto kong lumuluhod sa akin." Etienne muttered, obviously annoyed. Nakahalukipkip pa siya sa harap ko ngayon.
"H-huh?" Lumingon ako sa kan'ya. I was busy taking care of the pending tasks that I left on school. Graduating pa naman ako pero ngayon ko pa naisipan na magtago kay Gio.
"Gio's begging down on his knees for you."
My heart shattered upon hearing that. Agad akong natauhan at umiling. No. I have to be tough. I have to cruel. I have to let him go. Mas magiging maganda ang kinabukasan n'ya sa iba. He'll be a CPA Lawyer while I'm not even sure of my future yet.
"Nakaluhod siya ngayon sa harap ng gate. You wanna see?" Etienne asked, clearly amused.
Agad akong umiling.
"Please, paalisin n'yo siya."
"All you have to do is tell him why you're avoiding him. Why you decided to leave him. This is your chance, Paulene. He deserves that, at least." Etienne tauntingly said. Seryoso ang titig n'ya sa akin at para bang sinusukat ako gamit ng kan'yang mga paningin.
"No. Just please, tell him to go home. Pursue his dream of becoming a CPA Lawyer. Go overseas if needed. Ayoko na siyang makita pa. J-just tell him that." I sobbed, pinunasan ko ang mga luha na gumulong sa aking pisngi.
"Okay, sabi mo 'yan." Etienne smiled. Agad siyang umalis at sinarado ang pinto. Hinayaan akong umiyak sa loob ng opisina n'ya.
Unti-unting bumigat ang bawat pagkuha ko ng hininga. I had a hard time trying to breath properly. I cried for not being brave enough to tell him the things that I wanted to say.
I'm so sorry, Gio. I love you. But I'm sorry. Ang tanging hiling ko lang ay makahanap ka ng tao na babagay sa 'yo at tanggap ng lahat para sa 'yo.
That's not me. It will never be me. I love you enough that I can endure all of this bleeding in order for you to realize that there will be someone better. Someone who will bravely love you with all of her heart. Someone who can be proud of you. Someone who's not insecure of you. And sadly, that won't be me.
❛ ━━━━━━･❪보라해❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜