I was completely alone. Nothing to accompany me other than pure defeat and a growing fear of what I was going to do if things kept going this way. I really thought I had that job, thought that I was going to finally take my first steps on my path to Hollywood. But now, that dream felt further away than ever before. I curled my arms around my knees, sitting on my kitchen floor and thinking about the opportunities I'd let pass whilst waiting for this job, and the dwindling bank balance that was now becoming an even more worrisome issue. I still had to make rent on this place, and then there were groceries, bills. There was no way that my money would last for six months, we hadn't anticipated that it would have to. I felt like my own life was slipping through my fingers. I'd fought so long to get here, waited and saved and done everything that I could to secure a place where I could make my dreams come true, and now all of these problems were threatening to fuck it up. Ross was stuck back home, and I didn't even know when I'd see him again, leaving me feeling abandoned, whilst trying to juggle the things we were supposed to manage together, with him at my side.
What would happen if I didn't get any castings? If I kept getting rejected over and over again. My stomach lurched at the very thought, my mouth turning bitter with the concern that had me almost physically sick. I needed someone right now, someone to have my back, to assure me that things would work out and that I couldn't give up. But I had no one here. I'd made no friends since arriving here, and none of my friends back home were talking to me, all pissed that I could be so selfish as to leave town in pursuit of my dreams.
Assholes. I uttered in my head, anger now rivalling my fear and sadness.
Then there was my family, the people that I was sure, were waiting by the phone for a call exactly like this, crying and telling them that things weren't working out and that I needed help, or was giving up and coming home with my tail between my legs.
Not happening!
No matter how hard this was going to be, that would not be the outcome. I couldn't go back to living in that tiny town where nothing about my future would be bright. I wasn't going to end up stuck in a retail job that I loathed, earning minimum wage and living in a crappy apartment above the shop. I refused to accept that life. I refused to please people who couldn't accept my ambitions and support me as I strove to be the best that I could.
I thought about calling Ross, I knew that he'd console me, that he'd tell me everything that I needed to hear. But the idea of hearing it over a phone just felt hollow. I needed him, I craved the feel of his arms wrapped around me, of his head resting on mine as he cradled me against his chest and ran his fingers through my hair. He was my safety, my home and my soulmate, and being without him was killing me inside. I tapped my finger against my phone, deliberating whether or not to call him. It already seemed like every conversation we had was strained with one issue or another. Did I really want to add another to the mix? I sighed, deciding against the call, then getting to my feet, I plodded through to my bedroom and threw myself down onto the sheets, not even bothering to get undressed as I closed my eyes, falling into an exhausted and uneasy sleep.
I woke up before the sun had even risen, and after an unsatisfactory breakfast consisting of slightly stale, dry toast, and orange juice, I set up in front of my laptop, determined to find every single audition that day.
The list was a long one, branching all over the city, various parts on offer. I darted from place to place, barely making the cut off for three auditions, and not even getting to participate in two others, as they cast applicants who'd auditioned before me.
It was getting dark by the time that I trudged back into my apartment. I'd barely put the latch on the door when my phone started buzzing in my pocket. Glancing at the screen, the first genuine smile of the day graced my face as I saw Ross's face looking back at me.
"You have no idea how happy I am to hear from you," I greeted, answering the phone and tossing my purse down on the counter.
"It's nice to finally hear your voice too."
I froze in surprise at the unexpected voice on the other end, rechecking my screen to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.
Nope... it says, Ross.
"Mom? Why do you have Ross's phone?" I burst out.
"Because you never answer my calls, and I was worried about you."
"So he let you call from his phone?" I asked in disbelief.
It definitely didn't sound like something he'd do. He knew how I hated being ambushed by my mother, her tendency to completely disregard boundaries had been something that had infuriated me ever since I was a child.
"Well no. I happened to find it and so I borrowed it," My mother replied awkwardly.
"Found it where?" I pressed.
"In his pocket," She said timidly.
I stayed silent, waiting for the moment that she'd give me the full truth. I knew her too well to believe it was that simple, and I knew my boyfriend well enough that he wouldn't fall for being stupid enough to leave his phone lying around for my mother to get hold of. Soon enough there was a sigh on the other end and she elaborated:
"It really was in his pocket," She snapped, trailing off as she continued, "Of his jacket... on the back seat of his truck. Which may have been locked at the time."
There it was. I rolled my eyes, nestling my phone into the crook of my neck as I pulled a protein bar from the shelf and tore it open.
"You can't just go breaking into people's cars, Mom," I snapped.
"I wouldn't have to if you just answered my calls. Besides, Ross isn't people... He's part of the family."
"More fool him," I muttered bitterly under my breath. "Why's he there anyway?" I asked.
"He came for dinner, it was a rough night last night, huge fire at the bakery a few streets away, the poor soul was up most of the night trying to put it out."
"Is he okay?" I shouted, almost spitting my protein bar across the room as panic seized hold of my heart like an icy fist.
"He's fine, though I'm sure he wishes you cared enough to be here to welcome him home at the end of a shift like that."
"Wow, you made it more than a minute before throwing that one in my face, well done," I snapped.
"Can you blame us for feeling abandoned? You had a life here, people who needed you and you walked away. All in the name of fame."
She was on a roll now, and I slumped against the counter, pulling my phone away from my ear so that I didn't have to listen to the overly familiar words. I wished I could just hang up, but I knew that wasn't an option, she'd go ballistic, and pretending to faint would have no effect in this situation. With no option but to listen from afar as she continued to nag without drawing breath, I stared at the screen, internally snapping back every retort that I was dying to say. It was when I saw the message symbol that an idea finally struck me.
With my mother still completely clueless about my absence, I pulled up my messages, quickly typing up a brief plea and searching for the right name in my contacts. When I hit send, I waited for the sign that it had been read, almost cheering as it went through. Pressing the phone back to my ear, I waited for the sound that couldn't come quick enough, and when the beeping echoed on the other end, I did a happy jig as my mother awkwardly explained about the incoming call on the other line and timidly called Ross to the phone.
"Hello?"
He sounded confused and I could picture him in my head as he struggled to come up with a reason how his phone had materialised from his truck to my mother's hand.
"You need a better place to keep your car keys," I said with a sigh, helping him to draw a conclusion.
"She broke into my car, didn't she?"
"Yup."
There was a small thud on the other side of the phone, followed by the sound of gravel being trodden on, and I was sure he'd stepped outside for some privacy.
"She told me I had a call, but why would she pass it along if it was you?"
"Because I may have asked Robbie to call you and pretend there was an emergency," I said innocently.
Ross laughed, and I was relieved that he wasn't irritated by me calling in his boss to fake an emergency. The firehouse was more of a family than friends anyway, and with me always being there to see Ross, I'd been like an honorary member until I left, and so I was sure that Robbie wouldn't object to assisting in a small crisis.
"I'm sure I'll be having to explain that one later," He chuckled.
"Just mention my mother, and I'm sure no more will need to be said," I groaned.
"I'm sorry she got hold of you," He said softly, "What did she say?"
"The usual. I didn't listen to most of it, but I heard about the bakery fire. She said you were there putting it out?"
I hadn't meant for it to come out so accusatory. But at the same time, the knowledge that he was acting as a firefighter last night sat uneasily on my chest. I didn't know about this, and he hadn't told me. If my mother hadn't mentioned it, I strongly worried that he wouldn't have either.
"They needed all hands on deck, that's all. I'm fine and was completely safe," He assured me.
"How can you be completely safe when walking through fire?" I bit back.
"Lena, it's my job," He said firmly.
"I know," I mumbled, backing down at his irritated tone, "I just wish you'd told me. You know how much I worry."
"And that's why I didn't," He said gently, "Because I didn't want you stressing out when you can't do anything about it." He let out a slow breath, then added in a teasing tone: "I'm a big boy and can handle myself you know."
It was my turn to laugh now. I knew that nothing could stop me from worrying, but I was glad to hear from his own mouth that he was fine.
"How're things over there? Did you hear back about that audition?" He asked eagerly.
"Er, yeah. I did," I began sheepishly. "I didn't get it."
"I'm sorry, baby."
"It's okay," I lied, "I'm not giving up, I'll get there."
"I know you will," He said confidently. "We did think you'd have something by now, initially... I know you'll get there, but are you going to be okay in the meantime?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice as he neared the issue I'd been keeping from him.
"With me still here, you've got a lot to cover, I can send you some money if you need it."
"No, it's fine, I've got it covered."
"You have?"
The last thing that I wanted to do, was take his money. Unlike with my family, I knew his help would come without conditions. But I didn't want to start our journey out here with him having to give me handouts. He was already doing so much for me, how was it going to feel for him if the place he was moving to was so filled with uncertainty and struggle. No, the least I could do was make a home for when he joined me. No matter how I had to do it.
"Yeah," I said with far more confidence than I felt.
"How so?"
I took a breath, and the memory of the nightclub poster I'd seen flew into my mind as if offered by a guardian angel as a way through this mess.
"I'm gonna get a job."