"Are you two official?" Tash asks.
"I... I don't know," Alexandra gives the honest answer.
Because soon after she told Niall that she wanted to be with him, he pulled her to him and kissed her. He kissed her until her head was dizzy, until the only thing she could think of was him — even now, she can still feel the imprint of his mouth on hers. And he touched her in ways that made her forget her own name while she touched him in ways that made him say her name like he's praying — her skin heats up at the memory of that night.
She doesn't know how long they kissed that night, but what she does know is that she couldn't get enough of his kisses and his touches. And he seemed to be on the same page too when he kissed her not once, not twice but three times before he reluctantly left her flat the next morning but not before whispering against her skin how much it pained him to leave. It was a side of him that she thought she'd never see. And because she can be selfish sometimes, she wants to see that side again.
Alexandra knows now that the line between reality and fabrication has been blurred. It was smudged when he kissed her. It was blurred when he touched her, leaving trails of fire on her skin, awakening and heightening all of her senses. It was stamped out completely when she told him she wanted to be with him.
"You don't know?" Tash's voice brings her back to the present.
"We haven't really talked about it."
There's silence on the other end of the line and Alexandra holds her breath, afraid to hear whatever her friend has to say. Prolonged silence isn't a good sign when it comes to Tash Flores.
"Look, I like Niall, you know I do," her best friend begins and Alexandra can already feel her heart climbing up to her throat. "But we have reasons to believe that maybe, just maybe, that he's not over Breena?"
The name makes her wince and she's glad Tash can't see her. Because if she can, then she'd know Breena bothers Alexandra more than she lets on.
"I mean, I'm sure he likes you. He'd be an idiot not to but—"
"I get it," Alexandra interjects. She wants this conversation to end — desperately. "And I'm okay with it."
"You are?" It's obvious Tash doesn't believe her. According to her best friend, Alexandra Oh is the worst liar ever. "You're okay with the fact that the guy you like is still hung up on his ex?"
Again, Alexandra winces. She wishes she's okay with it. Everyone has baggage. She certainly does. So if Niall's baggage is that he still has feelings for his engaged ex-girlfriend, why can't she be okay with it?
Except, she knows why. Back when she had a massive crush on Niall, Alexandra spent a good chunk of her time comparing herself to Breena. Wondering about the things the other girl had that she didn't. Wondering what Niall saw in her to make him love her so much, to look at her like she's the only person that existed.
"Maybe I'm wrong," Tash offers when Alexandra remains silent. She can hear the guilt in the other girl's voice. "Maybe he's over her."
The thing is, Tash Flores is never wrong. And for once, Alexandra is not too psyched about that.
As soon as the phone call ends, Alexandra takes a deep breath and brings the screen of her laptop back to life. She has work to do; there's no time to dwell on whether or not her friend is right. Because she knows that if she focuses on that thought, she'll spiral and that's the last thing she wants to do. But as she listens to her colleagues giving updates on the programs they've been working on, the thought creeps into her mind.
If Tash is right, then... fuck, where will she stand? The nagging voice in her head knows exactly where she'll stand: second place.
In Niall Horan's life, she'll always come second.
That thought plagues her mind for the rest of the day. Even when she's working on the new program that requires her full attention, the thought lingers in the back of her mind, haunting her, begging for her attention.
It's not like she has never considered it before. When she saw the way Niall looked at Breena at his party, she knew. Deep down, she knew that Niall was still in love with Breena — whether he's aware of it or not. Sure, he likes her but what she has with Niall now is nothing compared to what he had — still has — with Breena.
Alexandra should know better. She can't change Niall's feelings, but having known all of that about him, she should've known better than to fall for him. It was supposed to be an act, but of course along the way, she just had to delude herself into thinking that there's more.
While she wallows in self-pity, Tash bombards her phone with messages.
Tash Flores: Hey forget what i said
Tash Flores: If he's willing to drive an hour to see you then he obviously likes you
Tash Flores: Which also tells me that I need to up my game
Tash Flores: Can't have Niall replacing my spot as your best friend
Alexandra Oh: no one can steal your spot. NO ONE.
Tash Flores: Good to know! Love you, Al.
Alexandra Oh: love you too
Alexandra's about to put her phone down when she receives a call from her mum. Her brows descend into a frown as she clicks the green button and brings the device up to her ear.
"Hey. Everything okay?"
"Everything's good," her mum replies. Not one to beat around the bushes, she continues, "You're coming home this weekend, aren't you?"
"I-I am?"
"It's your brother's birthday," her mum supplies.
Shit, Alexandra mutters to herself. How could she forget her brother's birthday? "Right. Yeah, of course. I was going to make it a surprise but I guess not."
The only reply she receives is, "Hm." And it tells her that her mum didn't buy her lie — not even for a split second.
"I'll be home," Alexandra tells her mum before asking, "Will it just be the four of us?"
"Niall's joining us."
"I'll have to ask him first."
"You don't have to do that."
Her brows descend into a frown and her heart leaps to the base of her throat. "What do you mean?"
"Your dad's at his pub right now."
"What?" Trepidation courses through her and it takes everything in her not to end the call immediately so she can message Niall. "Why would... Why's he there?"
"To see him," her mum replies matter-of-factly. "And to tell him that he's invited to Isaac's birthday dinner."
Alexandra wants to tell her mum that her dad doesn't have to do that but she stops herself. Because if her mum is telling the truth and her dad is already at Copper & Compass then whatever she has to say next will just be a waste of time — it's pointless at this point. So after telling her mum that she'll see them this weekend, she ends the call and opens her conversation with Niall.
Alexandra Oh: my dad's there?
Niall Horan: dont worry he's safe with me
Alexandra Oh: more worried about you, actually
The three dots appear only to disappear a second later. Then when she thinks Niall isn't gonna reply, he sends her a selfie. The first ever selfie. And she almost couldn't believe her eyes, her breath hitching at the sight of it.
In the photo, Niall's head is tilted to the side and he's smiling. And it's not just any smile. It's the kind of smile so wide that the corners of his eyes crinkle and his mouth is open, showing off his straight white teeth. He looks like the boy she fell in love with more than a decade ago. The man she can fall in love with if she isn't careful with her heart.
Niall Horan: see im fine
Alexandra Oh: how do i know this is not an old picture?
Because for all she knows, he has a collection of selfies that he refuses to share to the world. What a shame.
Niall Horan: baby relax your dad's fine im fine
Niall Horan: we're having a great time actually
Niall Horan: think im gonna win his heart by the end of the night
Alexandra doesn't know which part of those messages surprise her more: the fact that he just called her baby or the fact that he's having a great time with her dad or the fact that he's so confident that he could win Philip Oh's heart (not that she has any doubt that he could do it because if anyone could, it's Niall Horan). And as she stares at those messages in shock, unsure of what to say in reply, Niall sends another one.
It's another selfie. Of him with her dad. In this picture, Niall is smiling but it's not the same as the one he sent a few minutes ago. His smile is more reserved in this one, but she can see the pure, unadulterated joy in his beautiful eyes — he must be really pleased with himself. Beside him, her dad is smiling too with his teeth showing, one of his rare smiles, and Alexandra has no doubt that when she goes home this weekend, she'll hear all about this.
Niall Horan: its happening!
She looks at the picture, a smile creeping up to her lips. And when she saves that picture, a thought crosses her mind.
It's becoming more and more impossible for Alexandra not to fall for Niall Horan.
+++
As soon as Niall has sent the photo he took with Philip to Alexandra, he slips his phone into his back pocket and rubs his sweaty palms against his jeans. Turning to the older man, Niall asks if he'd like another drink.
"No, no," Philip shakes his head. "One is enough for me."
"Are you sure?" Niall asks, earning himself a nod. "Okay."
"So, Isaac's birthday is this weekend," Philip tells him. "And we're having dinner to celebrate it."
"That sounds nice," says Niall.
He hasn't had a family dinner, not one with his own, in ages — let alone a dinner to celebrate his birthday. He feels a twinge of resentment and longing deep in his stomach at the reminder of the things he no longer gets to experience, but he ignores it. Now's not the time to think about all of the things he never got to do and will never get to do now that his mam is no longer around and his dad has a new family.
"You should be there," Philip's voice punctures his dreadful thoughts.
"I should?" Niall frowns. "I mean, I'd love to be there but I can't intrude on family time—"
"Nonsense," Philip cuts him off before he can finish his sentence. Niall closes his mouth. "You're dating our Alexandra now so you're family."
A feeling that Niall can't describe lodges itself in the base of his throat. Being told that he's a part of the Oh's family does funny things to his heart and he feels the familiar stinging behind his eyes. He tells himself that he's being ridiculous. That Philip is just saying that to be nice because Niall got that a lot. People are always telling him that he's family, but those words mean nothing to him. They bounce around in his head and that's it. But the sincerity in Philip Oh's dark eyes tells him otherwise. It tells him that he's being sincere and that he means every word he just said to him.
When you spend so many years living on your own, convincing yourself that you'll never know how it feels to be a part of a family, not anymore after your mum's death, it does things to you. And for Niall, it makes him feel overwhelmed. But in a good way.
"I—" he stops himself to clear his throat, "Okay. I'll be there."
"Good." Philip finishes his beer and then gets up from his stool. Smiling, he continues, "Now I believe I've overstayed my welcome."
"You're always welcome here," Niall lets him know and Philip pats his shoulder before making his way out of the pub. The second the older man disappears from his sight, Niall takes out his phone.
Niall Horan: are you okay with me joining isaac's birthday dinner?
Alexandra Oh: of course, why wouldn't i be?
Niall Horan: i dont know, feels like i'm intruding on something
Alexandra Oh: you're not
Alexandra Oh: my parents would love to have you there
Niall Horan: and you?
Alexandra Oh: you know my answer
Niall Horan: and that is...?
Niall brings his finger up to his mouth and starts chewing on his nail as he waits for her reply. The three dots keep appearing and disappearing and when it disappears for the third time, he lets out a resigned sigh. Maybe he's pushed too far and she's not going to reply.
He does this a lot, he realises. Pushing her to see if she'd push back or run away. When he asked her why she couldn't sleep, he half-expected her to come up with a lie, but she didn't. She told him the truth. She pushed back.
Alexandra Oh: i'd love to have you there
As Niall reads her reply, a smile touches his lips. They didn't talk much today — he assumes she's busy with work — and a part of him worries that he might have said or done something wrong. But he's certain that he hasn't done or said such things so he tells himself that she's been busy.
"Did I just see Alexandra's dad walking out of this pub?" Connor asks as he occupies the empty stool in front of Niall.
Niall looks up and nods. "Yeah."
Connor raises an eyebrow at him. "He's here to warn you not to break his daughter's heart?"
Niall tells his friend that Alexandra's dad was here to tell him that he's invited to Isaac's birthday dinner. He's still trying to wrap his head around that.
"Sounds like you two are really serious," Connor comments.
"I-Yeah, I guess, we are."
"But?"
Frowning, Niall shakes his head. "There's no but. I really do like her. More than anyone can imagine."
And that's the truth. But there's also another truth: he doesn't know where he and Alexandra stand. They haven't talked about that. Sure, everyone in this town and those who know them think they're dating but what about them? How do they see each other now?
They're no longer friends who pretend to date each other, they can't be. Not when Niall can't stop thinking about her and especially not when they've shared kisses and touches that haunt him in his sleep. They're more. But what more means, he doesn't know.
"Do you?" Connor quizzes, his voice pulling him out of his thoughts. "Or do you like being with her because it makes you feel less lonely? Or is it because you just miss the moments you had with Breena and with Alexandra you could fool yourself into thinking you're over your ex?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You can lie to everyone, Niall, but not to me," his friend says. The fact that Connor is using Niall's first name instead of his last tells him that he's turning into the serious version of himself. Niall has only seen this side of Connor Murphy twice his entire life. Once when Breena broke up with him and once when he found out Breena and Owen were engaged. "I know you still love Breena."
Hearing the truth from someone else, Niall thinks, feels like a punch in the guts. His grip around the counter tightens as he tries to compose himself.
When Niall doesn't say anything, Connor runs his fingers through his hair, leans forward and hisses, "Fuck, Niall, I was hoping I was wrong."
"I-You're wrong," Niall stammers. But it's too late for a lie by then.
"I ran into Owen just now," Connor continues. "Told me to tell you to stay away from Breena, said you're the one who helped her to pick out their save the date cards?"
Niall winces at that.
"I told him to fuck off, by the way. Thought he was just making things up but fuck. What the hell, Niall?"
"It was before—" Niall falters. He did all that before he realised how much he likes Alexandra. But then again, he knows that if Breena were to call him tomorrow and tell him she needs his help, he'd be there. There's something fundamentally wrong with him. Or maybe Connor is right. He still loves Breena — a fact he's been running away from. "Fine, yes, I think... I think a part of me will always love her."
"Why?"
"I don't know," Niall answers. Connor gives him a look that says 'do better' and Niall runs his fingers through his hair. "Fuck, I don't know, okay?"
"She broke your heart."
"I know that," Niall growls, glaring at his friend. He doesn't need to be reminded of that — he'll never forget it.
"Then why?"
Frustration coils in his stomach as he tries to figure out how to tell his friend that even after all these years, if there's even a slightest chance that he could make Breena happy, he'd do it without making it seem like Alexandra doesn't matter. Maybe he can tell his friend that he spent so many years dedicating his life to making people happy — Breena happened to be at the top of the list — and it's not easy to switch off that part of himself. But it doesn't feel right to say those thoughts out loud. So he just shrugs. He keeps quiet and mulls over everything Connor has just said to him.
"I like Alexandra. It's a shame that we don't get to hang out more often because she doesn't live here, but I like her. I think she's good for you." Unlike Breena, the words hang in the air. Connor doesn't have to say it. Niall knows what he means.
"She is," Niall murmurs.
"But you need to sort your feelings out," Connor tells him, his voice firm. It's weird hearing his friend like this. But he needs this. "It wouldn't be fair to Alexandra if you continue to date her while your heart belongs to someone else."
"When did you become so wise?" Niall jokes but the words feel hollow. Connor is right. He really does need to sort his feelings out.