"Do-" Crowley cleared his throat before continuing, "Erm, do you think you'll try sleeping again?" he asked, looking up at the angel from the bookshop couch, his glasses were off.
Aziraphale frowned, looking up from his book, confused as to why this question was being brought up.
"I just mean," Crowley rushed, "I just mean that you did sleep, before our trials. Did you- perhaps... have an affinity for it?"
The angel chuckled lightly, "Just because I sleep once, doesn't mean I'm suddenly on board with the whole trend. I know you love to, dear, but I'm afraid I won't be doing that activity anytime soon."
Crowley gulped audibly from where he sat, some sort of turmoil hidden behind those golden eyes, "Any particular reason why?"
Aziraphale hummed thoughtfully at that. Did he really want to get into his peculiar dreams about an alternate Crowley with the real demon? Real-Crowley would probably just think he was crazy. It would surely bring up more questions than Aziraphale felt comfortable answering at the moment. He'd rather just get back to his book.
"No reason." Aziraphale murmured, turning a page in the novel, thinking that was the end of that conversation.
The room was silent for about a minute before Crowley fidgeted nervously and cleared his throat once again.
"Um, so it's just us now, right? Our side." he spoke out.
What a peculiar thing to say, Aziraphale thought to himself. He closed the book. Obviously Crowley wanted to talk about something, best to start listening. "Yes, I do believe that is what we are."
"Right, well... that means no secrets?" the demon looked pale, his hands were fidgeting with his phone anxiously.
Aziraphale tilted his head, "I thought that's always how it's been between us? I surely haven't kept anything from you... at least not since the world ended."
"Er, right." Crowley swallowed, squeezing his hands into fists, his knuckles white.
"Is something wrong my dear?" the angel asked, growing concerned as to the state Crowley was working himself into.
The demon sucked in a deep breath and held it for a moment, glancing up at the angel and in one breath he blurted, "Ihavesomethingtoconfess!"
"You what?"
"I have something to confess." Crowley repeated slightly slower, looking down at his lap as a blush rose to his cheeks. "I've been keeping a secret for quite some time and I feel... erg I can't believe I'm going to say this but I feel guilty angel."
The angel blinked, not expecting this to be the turnout of the day. Crowley never kept secrets from him. Not in their six thousand years of knowing each other.
"And- and- and I want to say something -- wanted to say something -- but... it's just- it's been a long time since it happened. I- I- I don't know what to do about it, how you'll react, if it will change anything." Crowley met the angel's eyes with teary ones of his own.
Aziraphale opened and closed in his mouth in an effort to find words but none came to mind. He didn't like seeing Crowley like this. For someone's sake was the demon crying? He didn't know what to do, what to say or how to help his poor demon.
What had Crowley been keeping from him that could affect their lives now?"I've made a mess of it already." Crowley grumbled, placing his head in his hands.
"You haven't." Aziraphale felt an urge to comfort, despite his racing mind of possibilities that this secret could tear them apart, "It probably isn't that bad. We- we stopped the apocalypse. We're on our side now. Um... the past is the past." he said while his voice grew increasingly higher in pitch. He was rambling, he knew it. "I'm sure I've already forgotten it."
Crowley shook his head, "It wasn't some little fib, angel. It was... well... you slept. I know you used to a long time ago."
Aziraphale frowned. It wasn't a secret that he used to sleep, but he only ever mentioned it once or twice. It surely wasn't a notable occasion that Crowley should remember.
"Uh... yes. Well, I suppose I did, but it's been many centuries since." he shook his head, "What is this about Crowley?"
The demon sighed and shook his head, "I- I don't think you entirely understand what sleeping on Earth exactly does to celestial beings."
"We dream."
Crowley shook his head again, closing his eyes as he breathed in, "We don't."
"We do." the angel huffed, "I have plenty of times."
"I know! That's what I'm trying to tell you." the demon burst. "It's not dreaming. I'm there."
Aziraphale scoffed, "My dear... you're not making any sense."
Crowley sighed, "Celestials drift off in a way that's different from humans.... Way different. Earth is a physical realm, unlike heaven and hell. It just so happens that when we go to sleep here, our 'consciousnesses' have nowhere else to be but on a non-physical plane." Crowley said quietly, then almost as an afterthought, "Humans have weird dreams. Always in different places with different people and different things. They go on adventures in their sleep. It's crazy!"
Aziraphale frowned.
Crowley shook his head, "What I'm trying to say is: it's not some dream version of me in your dreams. I'm there in the cottage. I tend to the plants. I built that library for you. I'm there."
Aziraphale froze.
There was no way for Crowley to know that. The angel had never mentioned any details of his dreams to anyone. How-
"I've been there the whole time." Crowley blurted, pressing the palms of his hands against his eye sockets, "That's the big secret."
Aziraphale's mouth dropped open in shock. "No..."
Crowley nodded, sniffling.
"No, no... you can't." the angel's breath started to pick up as fear of the implications started to kick in. That was impossible, Crowley surely wasn't his real self in the dreams. He was always different, more open, ever since the start. There was no way dream-Crowley was actually real-Crowley.
"Angel, I'm sorry." Crowley bit his lip and he did look genuinely remorseful. "I know I should've said something-"
Aziraphale gaped at him, "This... this whole time?"
The demon let out a strangled noise and nodded.
Aziraphale gulped a few deep breaths and tried to think. This was all wrong. How had Crowley just been there when he slept and said nothing? The way the angel had treated him sometimes! Like he was an object, like he was property... Oh dear lord. Why hadn't he said anything? Surely he had been uncomfortable.
"Why?" Aziraphale asked weakly, his voice breaking half-way through the word. He wouldn't have done half the things he had if he knew dream-Crowley and real-Crowley were the same person. He felt awful.
Crowley shrugged, wiping at his cheeks. His voice was wobbly as he spoke, "At first... well, it was funny. Seeing you like that in the dream-land I'd created. You had already made up your mind on where you were and what was going on so I didn't push it. Didn't think you would be back anytime soon, anyway."
Aziraphale cringed as he remembered the first time he had slept. He'd asked for books, demanded it really.
"Then the next time I went to bed I found you'd changed everything. Well not everything but you definitely put your own flavor on the place." Crowley chuckled nervously, wiping at his eyes.
"My dear," the angel choked out. How was Crowley not addressing it? "I treated you horribly at times. You must know I didn't mean it, any of the things I said that hurt you. And I would've never ordered you around like I did if I'd known..."
Crowley sighed, "I know, I know. But it wasn't all bad. It wasn't always you telling me to do things. I didn't mind doing it anyway, you weren't forcing me-"
"That's not the point." Aziraphale interrupted, "I would've much rather you not do things than keep up a ruse for my-sake. It's a matter of principle. The way I thought about and treated you was not okay."
"But- but..." The demon looked around as if cornered, "You said some really nice things at times too- and I know you didn't mean them, at least not to me. But I just- I- you know demons... selfish creatures." he smirked sadly, tilting his head to the side so he wasn't looking directly at the angel.
"Oh..."
Aziraphale hadn't fathomed Crowley enjoying some of the things they did together. Sure, some of it was their normal wine and dine act but the angel distinctly remembered threading his hands through long red locks as the two of them casually sprawled on the cushions of the reading nook. In fact, it was one of the earlier things they did! Dream-Crowley had seemed to really enjoy that actually. And if that had been the real Crowley all along...
Crowley squirmed, "I just didn't want to tell you, back then, and I'm sorry. I know I should've, I knew then to but... again, demon." he gestured to himself as if that explained everything, "I know should've mentioned it before the apocalypse, before we committed to 'our side'. I was just so focused on trying to create a future for 'us' that I didn't even check in to see if you even wanted an 'us' if this is what it meant-"
"Crowley..."
"I was the one who knew. I had all the information. The ball was in my court. And I guess it was just- honestly... I never thought that I- we would get this far. I didn't think we would make it past the end of the world, together. I thought dream-land was all I had so I wasn't thinking of consequences. I had a good thing going for me and I didn't want-"
"Crowley!" Aziraphale interrupted the demon's desperate spiel sharply. How could the serpent be so stupid sometimes? "Stop. Let me talk... please."
Crowley gulped and flushed an even deeper shade of red.
The former principality shook his head, and released a breath, "I must admit that I am shocked that you kept something like this from me, but I understand. Truthfully, I'm more embarrassed about this than anything else."
The demon turned away.
"And I meant what I said earlier. The past is the past. This doesn't have to affect us now unless we want it to." Aziraphale reassured, trying to catch Crowley's eye. "I'm sorry for reacting poorly initially. This... this is all a lot. To know you've witnessed all the things I dreamt about with you. All the experimentation and things I've done in -- what I had thought -- was the privacy of my own mind is... terrifying to say the least."
"'m sorry." Crowley murmured distantly.
"No need to apologize," Aziraphale said softly, "I already forgive you but... I want you to know." he sighed shakily, "I can't speak for all the things I've said in my dreams but the night before our trials. That was definitely meant for you. The real-you... I just- I didn't have the courage to say it in the real world." The angel smiled lopsidedly.
Bringing that up might've been entirely inappropriate for the way this evening had been played out, but he didn't want to dismiss it. He didn't want to sweep that along with all his other encounters with dream-Crowley because that had been different. Yes, Aziraphale had said some cruel things during the times he had dreamt with Crowley. But that last time had been real and he wanted Crowley to know that.
Crowley's mouth was opening and closing, as if trying to spit out words but there was none to say. Instead, a strangled noise escaped and he lunged forward, wrapping the principality in the tightest hug he could muster.
"Don't lie, please don't lie to me." the serpent sobbed against the angel's shoulder.
Instinctually, Aziraphale's arms returned the hug as he ducked his head, "I'm not. I swear." There was a moment of silence between them as Crowley struggled to get his chest to stop heaving, "I love you."
Another indescribable noise escaped Crowley as he melted against the angel. Aziraphale tightened his arms and pressed a quick kiss to the top of the demon's head.