AN: Hey guys sorry this chapter is a little later than usual. I was away for a week. Thanks also for all the comments they give me loads of motivation. Enjoy x
TW: sexual abuse (mentions)
-------
"-I'm just saying, If there was a zombie apocalypse, I would survive it." Toni heard Martha exclaim as her and Shelby approached their lunch table.
"Martha, you're literally a vegetarian. You would be royally fucked in a zombie apocalypse." Fatin quipped back. The rest of the girls were trying to keep a straight face.
Martha looked horrified at the retort, "I'm not going to be eating them."
Fatin just sighed in exasperation and dropped her head to the table.
"You'd have to kill them though." Dot explained.
"I don't think I would."
"You absolutely would. And also if we are talking about who'd survive a zombie apocalypse, my money's on Dot," Toni cut in, sitting down at her usual spot. "Or maybe myself," she added.
Shelby sat down across from her an shot her a shy smile. She knew no one else would notice but Shelby's lips were still slightly swollen. It sent her shiver through her chest knowing that no one else knew what had just happened between them and that they now shared something that no one else was apart of. She realised that she liked that there were things that were just between her and Shelby. Like there were little moments were they were the only people in the world.
Shelby snickered.
"What?" Toni questioned, narrowing her gaze at Shelby. "Something funny?"
"Only that I wouldn't bet a dollar on you surviving an apocalypse. Dot, maybe. But you? No way, I've seen you tense up and slam on the imaginary breaks when even a bird flies past my car. Nope, Rachel is the only one that stands a chance."
Toni glared at her for outing her but the rest of the girls cracked up laughing like they all already knew that Toni was a bit of a softy. Suddenly her plate of chicken nuggets looked much less appetising.
As Rachel bowed and bragged about her imaginary survival skills. Nora chimed in. Everyone fell silent because Nora rarely spoke. "Well, don't worry Toni, a zombie apocalypse is not likely."
Toni felt flustered. "I wasn't worrying, I think we need to acknowledge that Martha is still ranked below me in this argument," she huffed, crossing her arms across her chest as the others chuckled. It was not a particularly strong defence. "Ah whatever, I'll take that loss. I'm not that sure I'd want to survive a zombie apocalypse that badly anyway."
"100% agree," Fatin said, biting a chunk out of her apple. "Dirty, boring, gory, unhygienic and, honestly, a lot of hard fucking work. Not for me thank you... Maybe I'd give it a week and see how I go." Toni didn't miss the way Leah hardly took her eyes off of Fatin while she was talking and grabbed her hand when she finished. It was brief but the interaction was just enough to for her to wonder if something was going on between them. Maybe they rejected her from joining girls night because they really just didn't want a third wheel.
Toni decided to ask them about it after lunch. Considering her situation with Shelby, she was pretty cautious talking about other people's potential relationships in public.
The more she watched them over the course of their lunch break, the more she noticed things that she had been too preoccupied to see before. Like the way that Leah, who was normally not big on physical contact, was constantly touching Fatin and sitting close enough so that they arms constantly grazed. The way that Fatin, who would normally call someone out for displaying affection, was just letting her. And reciprocating.
Yep, there was definitely something going on there.
Shelby seemed to notice the way that Toni was watching them. Because when Toni turned away from them and back to Shelby, her eyes flashed with what looked like jealously at first but eventually changed to recognition.
She saw it too.
The rest of lunch flew by. Toni even managed to eat something and was feeling a hundred times better than she was in the morning.
The bell rang and everyone stood up, said goodbye and started to make their way to the next class. Toni gave Shelby a small wave and turned away, running after Fatin and Leah, who were walking together even though their classes were on opposite sides of the building. "Hey! wait up," Toni shouted after them. They stopped and waited for her. She was panting by the time she got to them. Damn she was really out of shape, basketball was going to kick her ass if she got back on the team.
"Hey," she said, dropping her hands to her knees and breathing heavily for a moment.
Fatin waited for a moment before announcing, "Your stamina has really dropped Toni. Bet Shelby is not loving that."
Wait, what? Toni rapidly straightened up. "What are you talking about?"
"Oh please. I know sexual tension when I see it."
Even Leah looked surprised at the comment. "Are you and Shelby..." She made a vague, almost graphic gesture with her hands before Fatin reached out and pushed her hands back down.
"No. What? Where did you even get that from. We are hardly friends." Reel it in Toni. you're overcompensating. "I meant we only just became friends. She's straight anyway."
"Chill, we won't tell anyone." Fatin replied with a knowing smirk.
"We're not-" Toni decided to ignore it. "Whatever, never mind. I actually wanted to ask if there was something going on between you two."
Fatin hardly reacted. "We're sleeping together." She dropped Leah's hand, which Toni only just noticed that she was holding. "Nothing more though."
Leah looked away from Toni but not before he caught the disappointed look that flashed across her face at Fatin's words. Toni wondered if Fatin knew what kind of game she was playing with Leah. She hoped she worked it out before Leah ended up hurt. More hurt than she already was.
"Huh, okay," Toni said to Fatin before glancing over at Leah again. She gave her a sympathetic look before saying, "Well... I gotta get to class. See you guys later."
"Was that it?" Fatin asked.
"I guess... I thought it was going to be a bigger conversation that that honestly," Toni laughed awkwardly.
Fatin laughed and swung her arm around Leah's shoulders which looked a bit strange because Leah was taller. "Nope, it's not really a thing," she confirmed. Toni cringed as she said it, thinking about how Leah must be feeling.
Leah still looked dejected. Her head was hung and she was barely making eye contact with anyone or anything other than her shoelaces. Toni kind of regretted asking. Poor Leah. She made a mental note to check in on her tomorrow.
"Alright then, later." She jogged to class, eager to exit that conversation and not wanting to be late.
--------
Shelby drove them to the basketball court. She handed Toni the AUX as she got into the car but Toni just put on Shelby's favourite songs. She felt like Shelby would probably be freaking out any time soon and might have benefitted from a little familiarity. Guitars, fiddles, harmonicas and mandolins soundtracked their journey. Toni was actually starting to tolerate country music as well at this point.
Shelby sighed, "This is a good idea, right?"
As Toni predicted, she was starting to freak out. She didn't really know how to respond because it was a valid concern. One that she had as well.
"I hope so." Was all she said.
Thankfully that was enough for Shelby. "Yeah, I hope so too," She reached over and squeezed Toni's hand.
They pulled at the court and parked on the street. It was a pretty quiet area so no one was there. Someone had, however, set up Christmas lights around the top of the fence surrounding the court. It was just getting dark out so the floodlights were on and the Christmas lights were faintly glowing rainbow colours.
"I bet Christmas is a big thing in your family right?" Toni asked. Immediately regretting bringing up Shelby's family.
Shelby didn't bat and eye though, she just continued to stare at the lights. "Honestly, no. At least not in the big tree, presents, pop carols way. It's just a lot of praying and hymns." Her eyes lit up briefly. "My mum did manage to talk my dad into one present each though."
It wasn't what she expected Shelby to say. She didn't always have the best Christmases either but at least she had experienced it before.
"What about you?" Shelby added as she got the basketball from the backseat of her car and started making her way to the court. "What has Christmas been like for you?"
Toni chuckled quietly and stole the ball from Shelby. She dribbled it for a minute and shot it at the hoop. It circled the rim and fell through the hoop. "Do you want the long story or the short one."
"Always the long story." Shelby replied.
It wasn't a story that anyone else had really heard except for Martha. She didn't feel a sense of foreboding the way she usually did when asked personal questions though. She didn't seem to mind being vulnerable around Shelby.
"Well..." Toni grabbed the ball and passed to to Shelby who actually caught it. "My first 12 Christmases were not great at all so there's not really a story there. But my 13th was perfect."
Toni paused for a moment and took a deep breath. After all of the terrible, sick things that she had been through in her life with her mum's addiction, the physical, emotional and at one point sexual abuse, the one thing that kept her up at night crying and cursing at the sky at the injustice was what happened with Mrs Conners, one of her previous foster parents.
Shelby waited patiently for her to continue. "I was staying with this woman called Mrs Conners. She was awesome and we spent Christmas opening presents, sending away tone deaf carollers, going sledding and watching the Christmas concert on TV. We even had Marty and her family over for dinner." Toni felt embarrassed because it was a pretty average Christmas by most people's standards. "Anyway. That's it really. It was just perfect."
Shelby took a shot at the hoop and missed by a few metres. "13? that's when you started basketball. Did Mrs Conners introduce you to it." She said it hesitantly, like she knew she was prying into a piece of Toni's past that she might not be willing to talk about. And like she would be fine if Toni didn't want to talk about it.
Despite knowing that she didn't have to, Toni answered, "Yeah. I was pretty angry when I was placed at her house. Some really fucked up shit happened to me at my previous placement and I was... Well, I was a mess honestly. So she put me in therapy and signed my up for basketball to help me manage my rage a bit." Shelby tossed the ball at her. She shot and missed. "She died a few weeks before my 15th birthday."
She couldn't look Shelby in the eye. She had actually never spoken about Mrs Conners since she died. Not to anyone, even Martha. Toni silently prayed that Shelby wouldn't ask about what happened at the previous home. They weren't ready for that conversation.
Toni jumped as Shelby wrapped her arms around her from behind; not expecting the gesture. "You flinched," Shelby whispered, her voice cracking. Toni guessed that she was putting some pieces together about her past.
"I'm so sorry Toni," she said, holding her tighter.
Something told Toni that she was not just talking about Mrs Conners. In fact, she knew.
"Don't apologise," Toni replied, "We don't have to talk about all that shit now though." She meant it as a statement, but it came out as a question, not quite shedding her vulnerability.
"I would never force you to talk about something you don't want to." Shelby promised, her voice full of emotion. Suddenly Shelby stiffened against her, as though her own words has reminded her of something. "That night... You ran awa- I - I'm sorry."
It seemed like she wanted to say more but stopped herself.
Toni realised that she was apologising for the first time that Shelby had kissed her, drunk and forceful. The night she ran away. The night everything changed.
Toni fought the urge to tear herself away from Shelby, out of her arms and to run off into the night. She resisted though, because as much as she didn't want to talk about this, Shelby was the only person that she could see herself talking about it with. Which she though must count for something.
She turned around so that they were facing one another, arms still wrapped around each other. "It wasn't your fault Shelby."
"But-"
"Wasn't mine either," Toni cut her off. "I just wanted you that night. And I've wanted you every night since. I kissed you back but the taste of beer on your lips, the rough hands, the confusion... I- It just wasn't you. Not in my mind anyway; it was someone else." She hung her head, nervous for Shelby's reaction to her admission.
There was no sound except the sound of Shelby's shaky breathing for a few seconds. She lifted her head when she felt Shelby's fingers on her chin.
"It was my fault Toni. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to play with your head or feelings and I don't want to fuck this up again." It would never feel natural hearing Shelby swear.
"I want to do this right," she finished, staring, unblinking, into Toni's eyes. "Now, can I kiss you?"
"You don't have to ask," Toni replied, feeling a bit awkward but she couldn't help the smile that crept onto her face.
Shelby placed one hand on Toni's face and stroked her cheek with her thumb.
"Yes." She breathed out. She didn't wait for Shelby to kiss her this time though. She leant forward and pressed her lips against Shelby's, who gasped quietly in response. Toni felt a surge of lightness in her chest, a feeling that she never got with Regan. A feeling that she never wanted to stop and somehow knew that it never would as long as she was with Shelby.