south carolina
july 1990
***
Vada
//
"I can't believe you snuck in here, it's three a.m"
The cracked window blows night air into my room, and the neon sign below glows a light around us. Harry sits next to me on my window seat, blowing out pot smoke into the air from the lit joint.
His curls are pulled back by a thick green headband, with matching eyes that are red and dazed, his smirk is lazy as he looks at me.
"If your grandmother catches me, then she really won't like me, huh?" he raises an eyebrow.
I roll my eyes. "You gotta stop thinking everyone hates you," I say lightly as I take the joint from his fingertips. "she said she doesn't care if you stay." I blow smoke out the window.
His eyes leave mine as he snatches the joint back from me. "For now," smoke passed his lips.
His head then turns towards me again, and he leans in with a slight smirk on his lips. "until she finds out I let her precious granddaughter snort lines off of my bathroom sink." His words cut through me and I know he wants them to sting.
He likes to cause fires, he likes to watch people burn. I knew from that look in his eye and the curve of his lips that he wants to make everyone just as miserable as he was. But the truth of it all was that I already was.
And even though his words were fucked up and I probably should of slapped him, because he knows how I feel about that night, and how much I don't want to be that person. I never can let him get to me.
I stand up instead, not wanting to be near him anymore. "Fucker." I scoff under my breath as I start to stand but he catches my arm.
Still sitting below me, he keeps a tight grip on my arm and the sinister smirk on his lips. His green eyes on fire, he tilts his head curiously.
"What was that?" he asked but he heard me.
I try to get my arm out of his grip but it just tightens. I try not to wince at the pinch. "Let go of me, Harry." My voice is calm.
He chuckles out. "What's wrong, V?" he asks innocently. "Did I say something?" his pupils are dilated and it didn't occur to me until now that he was probably on something stronger than pot.
I don't know where he had to go earlier but he was gone all day. I assumed he wasn't coming back but I guess I never asked either. He didn't have any new bruises from what I could see but I also knew that fighting wasn't all he did.
I could only keep the possibilities of what he was doing before he came here to a minimum. Because if my brain got curious I would jump to conclusions I didn't wanna think of. I'd freak myself out.
"Yeah, actually you did." I finally got my arm out of his grip stepping back. "Quit being a dick,"
He just stares, watching me with hooded eyes and a curl of his lip. "A dick?" he says "You think I'm a liar, a dick, and what was the other thing again?"
I seriously didn't understand what he was getting at. Was that a rhetorical question? I answer anyway. "You're a fucker too." I state matter of factly.
I watch his lips curve at my words and then he's standing up. He towers over me now and it's a lot more intimidating than before with that look in his eye. "A fucker," he hums "Is that all?" he steps forward and I find myself stepping back.
"No, there are several other things but that would take a while." I find myself saying and I feel like my sarcasm really comes out when I'm nervous.
He chuckles out, breathing through his nose lightly. Then he leans down, our foreheads almost touching and noses inches away. "I would listen to all the horrible things you label me as in that mind of yours all night, but that wouldn't be nearly as much fun for you." his breath fans my face.
I watch his eyes glance to my lips before they look in my eyes again. "One to five, how fucked up are you?" he wants to know and I know exactly why.
I couldn't do this though not again. Not with my grandmother sleeping two doors down and already enough marks on my neck that were way too hard to hide already.
He was looking at me like he was on the beach in d.c. and like he was that night we first kissed before I ran out. He was looking at me like he needed me.
But I knew he was fucked up beyond belief. Way too fucked up on something I wasn't even sure of and I knew he wasn't in the right state of mind right now. I couldn't do that to him, especially if I was nowhere near his level.
I step back. "Not enough." I shake my head, backing up still putting enough distance between us.
He squints green eyes at me for a second. "Why do you need to be?" he then asks curiously.
"It doesn't matter, Harry-"
"Stop saying shit like that," he takes a step forward "I know it's something, and you're supposed to tell me." he declares.
I give him a look, scoffing. "Since when?"
He steps forward again, so we're as close as before. "Since now, it's a rule. Tell me what I want to know, you have to." he's impatient and practically shaking.
I grab his forearms pushing him back from me and holding him there. "Hey, calm down." I watch his eyes as they are wide and dilated.
Mood swings, adrenaline, shaking hands, dilated eyes, sweating. What the fuck was he on?
"Harry, just take a breath okay?" I push him backwards so he sits below me on my bed.
He watches me me with his eyes the same. He sighs out shaking his head. "You're not fucking listening to me, why don't you ever fucking listen?" his eyebrows furrow.
"You don't need to be fucked up for me to touch you, that's not a rule anymore. It's not a dealbreaker, say it."
I had to keep him calm. I've never seen him act like this before. He seemed like he was on the brink of a panic attack or something.
He grabs both of my arms, pulling me close to him. "See? I'm touching you, and you're okay. See?" he brings me down so I lean towards him.
"I'm not hurting you, you're not hurt. You're okay." he whispers.
He may of been fucked up, talking nonsense and it was something he wouldn't even remember in the morning. But he was right. I was okay. His hands were gripping my arms, they were big enough to where they could wrap around the whole thing. They were warm, his skin was hot and I turned my hands to grab his arms too.
His tattoos touch my hands, and veins run down his forearms humming under the palm of my hand. I barely had a buzz from the one hit I took, but it was a start because I wasn't freaking out. He was touching me and it was okay. He was touching me and I wasn't fucked up. I was okay.
"It's not a fucking dealbreaker." he repeats.
I could practically hear his heartbeat.
I shake my head. "You're wrong, I am hurt. That's why you can't touch me." I take myself out of his grip and release him as well.
He frowns, curls falling out of the headband now. "Hurt." He repeats the word, voice careful. Then his eyes turn and there's a deeper frown on his face. An angrier one. "From who? Tell me." he demands now.
"No" I don't hesitate my answer, walking over to close my window and lock my door just in case.
I climb under my covers as he watches me from the end of my bed. Sighing out, he starts to make his way towards me, leaning against the wall as he sits next to me.
"Will you tell me someday?" he then asks, keeping his knees up.
"Only if you tell me things too." I close my eyes hearing him shift on the bed again.
I feel his head next to mine as we share a pillow. "I will, but only if you promise that you will still look at me like you look at the stars in the sky, after I tell you all about the darkness inside of my head." he mumbles.
I open my eyes again to find his closed, taking in his words he only says when he's fucked up or half asleep. I whisper "Okay," not sure if he heard me.
***
I wake up to a pounding on my door and an empty space next to me on my bed. I sat up panicked when I heard Juliet's voice behind my bedroom door. I look around for any sights of secret trouble, but find none.
"Wake your lazy ass up, it's almost two in the afternoon." I hear her impatient voice shout.
Instead of walking to open the door, I go to my window looking down at the motel parking lot finding the white ford nowhere in sight. I breathe a sigh of relief, and finally unlock my door to impatient brown eyes.
"Dude, I've been trying to wake you up for like ten minutes." she crosses her arms looking over me.
"Where have you been the last few days, I tried calling?" she lets herself in my room before I can even say anything.
I close my door, walking to my closet to grab a hoodie to cover up marks just in case she sees. "I had to work, the motel actually kind of got busy this week." I'm starting to get good at lying.
"Well, are you gonna help me set up for my birthday party tomorrow?" She sits on my bed. "I have a lot of shit to do still, I could really use the help."
My heart drops at the mention of her birthday. I didn't actually forget it did I? Fuck. It was tomorrow?
I was starting to focus so much on trouble that I had forgotten about reality. I had almost forgotten that not everything is him, that everything can't be him. I was starting to fall down the deep dark hole that Harry Styles was.
I needed to start to find my way out again, before it was too late.
"Uh, yeah for sure. I already said I would remember?" I play it cool because I would never have the heart to tell her I forgot and about everything else that's been going on.
Trouble made me promise to keep his secrets, even if that meant lying to the people I loved the most. I didn't see why it even mattered, why being involved with him, why I felt so important that he was the only one who wanted to tell me these things.
Why he came to me in the first place, why he keeps coming back.
I just kept questioning why me when it came to him, because I don't think it would ever make sense that we found our way to each other.
And maybe that was my excuse for not telling anyone, because I just didn't understand it either.
So how would I explain it to someone else?
"Okay, just checking" Juliet says "The party's at my house, it's big enough and I was thinking of a pool party?" She smiles excitedly. I nod back.
"Sounds fun, who'd you invite?" I sit next to her on my bed laying back as she faces me.
"Well obviously, Z and the band, and some people from school and stuff." she says "Oh, and probably some people from the country club as well."
The party will probably have over one hundred people knowing Juliet. Plus the band was bigger than they ever were nowadays, so people would definitely show up if they knew the boys were there.
"What about your mom and dad?" I ask her and she shrugs unknowing.
"I got a card from my mom in the mail yesterday, she sent me five hundred dollars." She says and I know it's not enough because not all the money in the world can make up for a mother's love.
Juliet's parents never knew the right way to raise their kids. Thinking they could just give them everything they asked for, but not really being there emotionally for your kids can really fuck you up in the long run.
Sure, a brand new car would be nice, but not because you wanted to make up for the fact that you're a shitty parent, and all your kid really wanted was your attention.
"My dad called me this morning." her voice is nonchalant. "Said he wishes he could be here but of course can't make it. He said he'd be back next week to celebrate with me though, take me out to dinner and stuff." She's used to being disappointed by these people.
"I'm sorry Li, what about Jack though?" I ask about her absent brother.
She rolls her eyes at the mention. "Who knows with him, he says one thing and really means the other." she says "But I guess we'll just have to wait and see." she shrugs as I sit up next to her.
"He'll come, he's never missed your birthday." I try to reassure her but she plays it off.
"Whatever, my mind isn't on my asshole family anyways." She laughs like she doesn't care. I know she does. "I need to start shopping for the party, we won't have time to do it tomorrow so come on, get dressed." She quickly changes the subject like she always does when we talk about her family.
The summer sun is hot as we drive down the town roads in Juliet's parents' corvette that's been in the garage and untouched for months.
With all of the windows, and the top down, Juliet cranks the radio all the way up, blasting the annoying cheesy pop can't-get-out-of your-head-song of the week.
When we stop at a light, we sing the lyrics in the most out of tune voices, a man and his wife next to us laugh while we get the words wrong and pretend we know what we're singing. Top 40 isn't usually our thing.
For the first time all summer I feel free. I'm just Juliet's best friend, and we're not running, it's just fun. We're being two teenage girls for the last time, we're carefree. And although it was like living a double life, I realize nothing matters as much as I think it does.
"Don't look!!" I yank the pink gift bag from Juliet's curious hands.
The mall wasn't as busy as it usually is, but it was air conditioned and Juliet could stay in the clothing stores for hours on end. The large lemonade slurps through her straw as she rolls her eyes at me, grinning.
"I told you not to get me anything" she says but I don't believe her. She's always been a sucker for birthday gifts. Giving and receiving, she's a tough critic.
"Yeah, okay." I give her a look and she laughs.
When we're in the perfume shop my nose burns from all the different strong smells. But Juliet continues shoving scented candles in the shopping basket, like she doesn't already have enough.
"Do you think Zayn got me anything?" she wonders, smelling a green apple one before handing it to me.
I raise my eyebrows at her, mentally asking if she's joking. "What do you think?" I say because her boyfriend would get her anything she wished for and she knew that.
Juliet just shrugs innocently, pretending like she doesn't know. "Maybe he forgot." her eyes are on the hundreds of glass candles on the shelves.
I then feel guilty because I actually did forget about my own best friend's birthday. It would be awful if her boyfriend forgot too. "Then we'll plan his funeral," I told her. She smiles but I'm not kidding.
"That's enough candles, you're gonna buy the whole store." I grab her arm from picking out another one.
My feet were starting to hurt and I was getting tired from all day at the mall. Shopping gave me a headache, but I stuck it out for the birthday girl. "Fine, grumpy " she huffs "I swear you need to get laid or something." we make our way to the register.
"Fuck off." I laugh but her words remind me of what happened in d.c with Harry. My cheeks instantly redden, and I feel disappointed because I can't tell my own best friend about what happened.
"Benny's coming tonight," Juliet smirks from next to me, her glasses over her eyes as she starts the engine to the car.
I roll my eyes under my own pair of black shades. "Doesn't he have a girlfriend?"
Juliet scoffs as we pull out of the mall parking lot. "He'd break up with her for you in an instant" she declares, and I look at her like she's crazy.
"What? You know I'm right, Miss stone cold too good for love." she laughs.
"I don't think I'm too good for it," I say back honestly. "But if it's gonna happen, at least let it be someone who's worth the heartbreak."
Platinum blonde and pink tips blow in the wind around us, mixed with my red-blonde. "Who says anything about heartbreak?" Juliet asks "Ben would marry you, he's the type."
I laugh because it's ridiculous. "Please tell me you're joking" I say. "Getting locked in a commitment with Ben would be the last thing on earth that I want."
We drive down the small roads of our town, and it's just another example of why we needed to leave. "So what do you want then?" Juliet's curious.
I think about her question as I watch the trees blow in the summer breeze. Children smile and laugh riding their bikes up the streets, the summer days long and carefree for them. That's what I wanted, I never wanted to worry about a damn thing ever again.
I look back at Juliet as she drives with two hands on the steering wheel, the radio cranked, and too many shopping bags in her back seat. I wanted this.
I wanted long nights with trouble and his band, cheering in the front row, my best friend always at my side. I wanted to keep Harry's secrets and let him find out mine. I wanted to burn in the summer heat, and melt in vanilla scented motel sheets. I never wanted to stop wanting, and I know that's how life is supposed to be.
"Too many things" I finally answer.
The boys were in another city performing a show that we couldn't make. Zayn promised to be home by tonight to wish Li a happy birthday before midnight.
But I was honestly wondering if he would actually keep his promise, and I wouldn't have to pick up the pieces of Juliet's disappointment off of the floor.
By ten p.m, we were a drunk mess off of wine coolers and shots of tequila. Pink and gold streamers hung from every part of the kitchen and living room ceiling, and balloons were kept in large plastic bags until tomorrow. The cake we picked up from the grocery store was in the fridge, and we had tons of alcohol thanks to her older boyfriend's I.D.
We toasted to her birthday, and years of friendship, blasting Whitney Houston 'I wanna dance with somebody'. We danced stupidly in her kitchen before the front door opened, and in walked the four misfits from the popular boy band.
Zayn is the first one in the kitchen, smiling widely with balloons and a dozen roses. The boys trail in behind him, holding their own bouquets, and presents in hands. My best friend's mouth drops open at the surprise.
"Hey, birthday girl." Zayn's got a smile that he only shows for his girlfriend. His eyes flash with adoration and love, and even my stone cold heart gushes at the sweet gesture.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me." Juliet's gushing as she steps forward.
Zayn holds his arms open as she rushes to hug him, he kisses her head and then her lips before shoving all the presents in her arms.
"Told you I'd be here, didn't I?" I hear him say to her.
He's looking at her like she's everything in the world, and despite their flaws, they're a picture perfect couple. It almost makes me gag in envy.
"We almost got into three car accidents because your maniac boyfriend wouldn't stop speeding." Niall sets down the bags of gifts and the bouquet of roses on the kitchen island counter.
Louis and Harry also set down the presents they're holding. Looking tired from their show, and even more tired that they had to carry all of Zayn's presents for his girlfriend. I can't hide my amused smile.
"Yeah, and he fucking cut my last song short." Harry speaks up as well, looking to our best friends.
"But anything for you, right Li?" His smile is lazily. His curls are never tamed, and his eyes are always blacked out. My stomach stupidity flips.
"Yeah, so be grateful you little shit." Louis says, pointing to the spoiled birthday girl.
"You're unbelievable, I hate surprises." Juliet's smile still hasn't dropped as she keeps her arms around Zayn. "You didn't have to do all of this." she looks up at the boy who would do anything for her.
Zayn just rolls his eyes knowing his girlfriend and how she doesn't mean it. "Oh yes, I fucking did." He can't help his smile. He never can around her.
These two may fight every second, and get on each other's nerves. They might say they hate each other, but we all know they never mean it. Zayn and Li were different because they were real, and not a lot of people were in this world.
"It looks like a unicorn shit in here by the way, what the fuck is up with all the pink?" Niall says looking around at our decorations we spent hours on.
"Pink is Juliet's favorite color, remember Niall?" I laugh at the memory of the cupcake war.
I feel green eyes on me from across the kitchen, I dare to look back but it's only for a second.
He's leaned against the back counter across the kitchen, directly opposite from me and right next to Niall. The two have the same stance, both cross armed and relaxed.
At our small exchange something glimmers over trouble's eyes, and then he's twisting back a smirk before he looks away again. And it's just then that I go from wondering how we'll act around everyone else, to knowing.
Knowing no one will ever know, and it's just something I'll have to get used to dealing with.
Niall laughs. "Is the birthday cake also pink?" he wonders, smirking at Li who's wrapped in her boyfriend's arms.
"You can't be mean to me on my birthday," Juliet sticks her tongue out at the blonde. His smirk widens.
"It's not your birthday yet." he shrugs, throwing a single rose bud at her. she catches it and throws it back at him.
When it turns midnight, we stick birthday candles in the cake. The tiara wearing birthday girl blows them out more drunk than she was two hours ago. Zayn was the one who stuffed cake in her face, kissing off frosting so his lips matched her stained pink ones.
Everyone was drinking, off their faces as we celebrated the first few hours of Li's day. Louis pushed Niall in the pool, and we all laughed as we watched Tweedledee and Tweedledum chase each other around like lunatics.
"Let's all swim, fuck it." Zayn then says and turns to Juliet.
He picks his girl up, tossing her over his shoulder, and she screams. "Zayn, I swear to god—" but it's too late because then he throws her in the pool and she's cut off underwater.
Zayn goes in after her, and I watch Louis and Niall go in too. I'm laughing at Niall who slips off the diving board, when Harry is suddenly in front of me.
Green eyes are mischievous and so is his smirk. Quickly knowing his plans, I try to get away but he grabs me by my sides as our group watches and laughs. He picks me up, throwing me over his shoulder like Zayn did with Li.
"Harry, no I have my sweatshirt on—" He's already jumping in the pool with me in his arms before I can say anything else.
We resurface as everyone laughs and our clothes are soaked now too. Curls are wet as he pushes them out of his face laughing as I splash him with a playful glare. We play our parts around everyone, knowing this is how far it'll get around them.
We brush finger tips under water, and send secret glances. But that's it.
When it turns close to two a.m, Zayn hauls a very drunk Juliet off to bed, and the two boys crash in the living room shortly afterwards. With everyone asleep, Harry pulls me outside on the front porch after we change into dry clothes.
He kisses me as soon as we're alone, pulling me close and breathing me in.
I wonder if he remembers last night. I wonder what he was on, and where he was during the day before. I want to ask, but the fear of pushing him away keeps me from doing so.
"I can't stay," he breathes over my neck. I tell him not to leave a mark, since I just got them to go away. He tells me to try and stop him. I don't.
"You're leaving?" I breathe over his lips. I'm backed up against Juliet's front door, he's in front of me and all around me.
"I'll be back, I wouldn't miss Juliet's birthday." he promises like his aren't kept.
The sky is dark around us, the half moon shines and stars are bright. His figure is dark but my eyes adjust around him, making out barely there details. "What are we doing, Harry?" I push at his chest so he backs up one step.
The thick black headband pulls back curls that are growing longer everyday. I have a clear view of his dark eyes, and how his dimple shows when he curves his upper lip. I hated how perfect he was, it made everything more complicated.
"Clearly, we're not doing anything." he looks at me as he squeezes my hips, indicating that I won't let him slip his fingers under my clothes.
I roll my eyes, keeping my hands on his chest and fingers between the material of his shirt.
"You know what I mean, we can't be careless. Especially around everyone else-"
"So what do you want then, huh?" he cuts me off and his tone turns condescending. "You wanna be boyfriend, and girlfriend? You want me to hold your hand, and kiss you in front of everyone, like Zayn does with Li?" he almost laughs at the thought, and honestly so do I.
I grip his shirt tighter, glaring at him. "That's not what I meant, asshole." I push him back again, this time letting him go. I regret saying anything at all.
Keeping his smirk he tilts his head. "You don't want that anyways, you and I both know it's not enough." he places his hands on either side of the door frame, caging me in.
"So, what then?" I lean against the door, my bare feet cold against the wood flooring of the porch.
Harry leans forward again so he's back where he was before I pushed him away. "So, nothing. Don't ruin it by overthinking, it's just..." he moves outgrown bangs out of my eyes, tucking them behind my ear. "It's just this, alright?"
"It's just another stupid deal." I whisper out realizing I'm okay with this secret.
I feel his smirk on my cheek before he leans in and kisses my lips. "Call it whatever the fuck you want, just don't let it matter." he says because to him, it seems like nothing does.
Before he leaves he kisses me like he needs it, or like he doesn't want to need it. I get one last look of fucked up green eyes, and untamed curls before he leaves me standing on the porch watching as he drives off in the white ford.
***