SHIN
I want to scream, rip off a couple of pillows and shred them until they resembled nothing that they used to be. The wild sentiment seems enticing. To destroy things I had control over.
Sweating profusely I ran on the mill, boosting its speed to a level that I won't be able to keep up with. I exert my leg and body to go on, to focus on momentum and rhythm instead of the phone call that shrills through the gym room. The screen blinks with a missed called memo- then soon another call wakes up. Same number, The same person.
Four days ago when we landed in Seoul – I met my family, Hwan ran over to me with open arms. I was fatigued because of the long flight I had- but nevertheless, I opened my arms to be welcomed when he jogged past me to embrace Lee in a manly bro hug. My jaw fell open when I witnessed the exchange and spotted the arrogant amusement dancing in his eyes as he ruffled my brother's hair.
"Thanks for gifting me the gaming studio. You are the best" the little devil wheezed at Lee as my parents shrugged when I threw a questioning glance at them. But then Dad came over to us and after some good parental hugs and forehead kisses they filled me in.
"We received some thoughtful gifts from our son-in-law a week ago" Mom said from right, while Dad shared his observation from left, Slipping his plain silver glasses, his lips curves "By the look on your face- you don't have a clue about this do you?"
A lamenting sigh leaves me. My parents changed their perky demeanor in an instant- like an attire as soon as Lee greeted them with a bow. They now imitated polished upper state personalities that Mom always belonged from- but seldom were accustomed to. My mother married a normal man whose parents ran a bakery in a small underdeveloped village. And instead of changing my father to fit the elite criteria- she realized there was no fun in living the life she had always lived. So she crazed up, became the girl who evokes as Head of the committee for the day and a lovably reckless mother and woman after her shift ends.
That explains why Hwan and I turned out the way we are.
But it still doesn't explain why I want to hurl myself out of somewhere after what I had done.
Mistake-
I called it a mistake- my poisoned words and the dying spirit in his eyes clawed onto me with each breath I took. I made it look like it meant nothing- but it wasn't enough to make him hate me.
Why was he doing this? Why can't he just hate me?
Maybe it needed a further push to get him there. More bitter remarks and genre of ignorance. So I went home to rest while he went off to meet his family. He pecked me on the forehead, reminding me to get ample rest and eat on time. And also to not think much.
It was a show for my family. By how hauntingly his gaze pierced through me- it was the opposite. He doesn't want me to rest at all.
As soon as I reached my room, removing my jacket and shoes I walk through my wardrobe. Rummaging through the drawers to revive my phone back. The usual one that I had left here because I wasn't willing to take even a snippet of element that binds me to this place.
I put in on charging and once full I switched it on.
Then I dropped it in the bed when a knock was heard. Wiping the sweat off my forehead I sat up alert to see Hwan's head emerge from the crack. Then he steps in as I inspect him with shock-
"You knocked?" I asked him as he poked his tongue out childishly, he even looked slightly taller than the last wise I saw him. He was growing so fast- even a month updated him.
It only applied to his body. The brain? It was an impossibility.
"Don't get your hopes up. I knocked because I was trying to wake you up if you were asleep"
I fight with a smile. He was a nuisance- but he was likable when he wanted to.
"That explains"
"No, it doesn't"
"What?"
"I don't know why- but I really want to respect you from today. It can't be excused that you are my elder sister and I treat you like-
I gesture him to shut up he grins, he crawls into the bed and sat with legs crossed and pillow to lap. I touch his forehead to check his temperature and pinch his arm as he hissed in pain. But that's it- he didn't pinch me back- or called me a small foot witch.
"If you change your ways- I'll disown you from being my brother" I scowl as he flashed his tooth. Batting his eyes he wiped his hand on his yellow hoodie and extended it to me.
"So then let's make a deal," he says as I pout with suspicion.
"What deal?"
He lets out an evil laugh that was similar to an inducting engine collapsing.
"I'll treat you the same. But you'll never stop your charitable husband from sending me more presents"
Dumbfounded I gape at him as he resumed-
"He had been such a gentleman. Calling Mom and Dad up every week to know about their well-being. Adding me in his gaming chatroom and introducing me to his cool American friends. If you haven't noticed yet- Mom and Dad are smitten by that dude. He is the embodiment of a typical Asian son-in-law in the modern world. He almost makes me want to get married and become one"
Is this what he had been doing? Building a flawless image to win my family over? For how long had he known that he wanted our marriage to be real? For how long had he been playing with the idea? It was a strategy- he is using my family to get to me. Bathing me in guilt while he stood there righteous and humble.
A wave of sudden anger soared in me- my head falls on the pillow as I slept on my stomach whining.
"Get out Hwan" I squeal for dramatics.
"But what about the deal?"
Why was he related to me?
"I curse you stab your little toe by that monitor he gave you" burying my face entirely I announced, my voice muffled. I heard hwans terrified utterance a she distanced from me, backing of-
"You have officially gone crazy. Poor Mr. Kim got himself a batshit-
I scream louder as he ran off into the vast closing the door behind him with a loud bang. I looked at my phone to see the missed calls. Every other day- even a day before- I had been gone for a month, and he still was personally concerned about me when our relationship had been purely professional.
I throw the phone aside and drowned in misery.
The week that followed was rough- Dad hosted a dinner for us. I didn't made effort to dress up, in my shirt and jeans I came out with a messy bun. It scarcely changed a speck in how bright Lee was smiling at me. My appearance was proof that I hadn't been thinking any less.
That night he stayed home, he had connected with my family, I vouched it firsthand as they held the conversation with ease without me joining them. I felt his eyes on me every single time when I refilled the wine – I wrapped up my dinner earlier than others and went to my room to clean up. When he walked in I still was busy stacking my dresses from the unpacked luggage.
I sat on the ground, when he - as if a monument of obedience sat opposite to me by the vacant space- I finally looked up at him.
"Can I help?" he asks innocently. For a moment I forget what he was capable of as the alcohol in my system was hazing me up. It was worrisome to think what had happened two nights ago. It was like weeks in between the hours that ticked. But with him, it was punishment without a crime.
It freaking hurts. Love hurts.
"No" I snatch my heels that he had taken out from the bag to arrange them in a slot.
"Your room. It's cool"
Don't talk to me. Don't behave as if nothing happened.
"Since it's mine- I'll sleep on the couch. We don't let our guest struggle here"
I plunge my hand to grab my winter glove, he goes for it too. Both of us hold the other ends, he tugs at it. I don't let go. Neither does he. We share the uniform bratty attitude- uptight and poised.
"You know where your said guest's struggles ends" I yank it from his hold as he lets me. He lets his guard down as his pretended demeanor crumbles. I gather my things in the basket and got up. leaving him to be as I worked on my wardrobe with tears clouding my gaze.
The week was a blur- with fittings, family dinners, spa appointments, and his constant absence. He left the next morning stating he had some urgent job- and since then I hadn't seen him. I must be celebrating this act- it just added up. He should've got tired of me earlier- it took him long to realize the piece of trash I was.
But it was impossible for him to desert me today.
Tonight was it, the gown was delivered by my hotel room this morning, the accessories, necessities and ailments, all resided in the suit. It suffocated me to think how true I want this to be. So I had to hit the gym to get a reality check- to know why I shouldn't dream beyond a limit. The phone rang again- I almost cursed at it. But as soon as the tone went dead- so did the cycle of the machine I was running in came to an abrupt stop. Gasping I almost fell, my balance staggering as a strong arm clasped me.
Breathing harder from exhaustion I looked up to. For a second I don't believe my eyes, then I made amends. Of course, there is nothing that goes according to how I yearn for them to be. So when the man who had been ringing me up nonstop showed up behind me, I scarcely let the surprise show. I jerk away from his clutch in an instant.
He hasn't changed much since the last time I saw him. how long was it? Two months- Three months?
Cropped hair, rimmed glasses, and a dimple that comes with the sympathetic smile of his. He was in his formals, crisp blue shirt, trousers, and black blazer sharp over his shoulder. I don't think I have seen him in normal clothes other than his uniform. Like ever.
"Why weren't you picking up my calls?" he asks, with tinge of softness in his voice as he glances at the abandoned mobile by the counter. Stepping from the system I use the towel hanging by to wipe the sweat from my face.
"Why are you here?" my voice was as vice as it could be, it was odd to be asking something I have a fair notion of. Dowon was diplomatic, learned and experience, he should know when to not intervene. But since he did, I speculate the reasons aren't something I should be looking forward to.
"I was invited by Dr.Han. I was a tad bit hurt, I expected you to do it before her" it made sense. But I don't want it to.
"she is hospitable. Inviting young colleagues as if they are a part of some close circle"
The choking sensation by my throat overwhelmed me as I kept swallowing the painful tears. I can't let them get to my eyes. Sim Do- won had done his part, I don't want his help anymore. But then, I don't know where else to go- and he knows that. He is the only one who knows.
He was young, just reaching his thirty. But wise and civil to anyone who needs his support.
"She can't help but be on my good books, I am the best she has" he smiles with pride as I roll my eyes. Then he does something unexpected in the midst of smile, he walks over and hugs me. Pampering my head gently as I lay my side on him. d
Drained of energy from keeping it to myself. "I am obedient so I am here three hours before the ceremony"
He was here because he searched for me, it was mere an excuse. I break the hug to look at him, sniffing as I smile at the stubborn and strange acquaintance I have. He was a faithful nerd. I was a crazy dork. We as friends would've instantly harbored, only if I had given us a chance. But I chose to run away. while he waited for me to be back. Faithfully.
"How have you been doing?" he scours my face curiously, for signs and changes he couldn't see. Scanning me as I shrug with a chuckle. tears "Were you able to complete those wishes?" he squints his eyes playfully as my voice breaks with a laugh. I nod.
"Most of them. yes" I whisper because I can't strain my words, I was afraid I might break "worms taste like almonds"
He laughs heartily with his sides crinkling as his gaze thinned. He had anticipated knowing their flavors since the day I had mentioned it to him. He knows them, my wishes- every single of them.
"So how was the US?" the gym was an empty place in the noon. I still had an hour before the make-up artist and hairstylist arrives so we sat on a bench, shoulder to shoulder facing our reflection in the far away mirror wall. Playing with the pockets zipper in my hoodie I sat with my head cloaked with the hood. At his interest, my mind sweeps over the memories of last month-
An unconscious smile plays by my lips, impressed his lips twists into an approval.
"I get it. You had fun"
Rubbing my palms I nod as I chewed on my lips hesitantly, the smile he had was short-lived with my confession.
"I fell in love with him" my lips quivered as I detested my next words even after watching his face fall "he doesn't know about it"
"Shin-" he breaths, but nothing follows with my name. It's where it ends.
"He doesn't know. Just like my family. Like everyone else"
The silence ropes us. with the discomfort, he opens his mouth to weave the kind of witty advice he always has up his sleeve. But for once even the nations rising neurologist Dr. Sim Do-Won had no window to escape the truth. No words to pacify a soul. While all that Lee helped me was with the things I wanted to do, Dowon had been there since the beginning from letting that one ill-fated day from happening.
He had been finding ways to keep me alive.
Because that's my last wish- I don't want to die.
But a wish is what it is, Dowon wasn't God- Love wasn't enough. It doesn't change the truth. I was dying.
And with that - I can't let his hope live.