The sky wasn't grey or black, there weren't thunderous clouds looming over Newcastle nor was the rain hammering against the bathroom window.
It felt like any other Saturday. It felt normal. People would be waking up soon, probably grumbling about working on a weekend, they'd have breakfast, brush their teeth and go to work. Not knowing or giving a thought to what the day could mean. What it would represent.
That was an isolating thought. There I was, finally 16 years old, stood infront of the mirror with tears already shimmering in my blue eyes.
Her eyes.
Mam used to always say my eyes were my best feature, said they were full of depth and love. She said that when she looked into my eyes she could see through to my soul, see what I was feeling.
I thought that everyone could see through me like that, until I lost her and realised my Mam was the only one who could ever truly read me. All because she had the same eyes. We could look into each other and see the same heart. The same warmth and depth, the same emotion. When she hurt, I hurt. When she was happy, it made me happy. Losing her was like losing the center of my universe. Now it span off its axis. I'd never imagined a life without my Mam before, because my Mam was my life.
I had been a 9 year old boy. A mammy's boy at that. Of course she was my entire world. Before Sarha was born, especially after my Dad left it was just me and her. We'd go on adventures together, even if it was just to the shops. We'd cook together, watch movies. When I wasn't at school I was with her, when my sisters were born we raised them together. She showed me everything, how to love, how to care for someone more than you care for yourself.
The way I saw it, when I was 9, I had been robbed of a perfect childhood. I lost everything and it had taken 7 years just to find my feet again. To find a new someone to center my universe.
It was barely seven o'clock, I was still wet from a shower, only clad in shorts. I was sure Declan would be asleep downstairs. Part of me hoped I would be gone before he woke up, so that I didn't have to show him how hard I found all this. I didn't want to breakdown in front of him today because it upset him alot to see me cry and it upset me more too see him sad.
For the record he'd made it known that this wasn't how he wanted to spend my birthday, he was sweet like that- he wanted me to have the best time and it was hard to convince him with words why this day had to be about my Mam rather than me. I was sure however, that soon he'd realise my birthday was better forgotten. This wasn't a happy day. This wasn't a day of celebration. This was the day my girls lost their Mam. This was the day I lost everything. The day my childhood had been robbed from me.
A single tear rolled down my cheek and I growled, rubbing at it furiously until all trace of it was gone. I glared at my reflection angrily, my jaw twisting with pent up emotion. My hands clutched the sink just so they'd stop shaking. I'd done this multiple times before, it wouldn't be a lie to say it got harder each time because it really did. As my memories faded and the girls got more curious, I was left having to search deep within myself to confront my fears. Just so I was able to describe the sound of her voice or the way she hugged me before bed.
Those were the type of things Emma and Sarha wanted to hear about and those were the types of things I didn't want to think about. The Good times. It made me miss them more.
Shaking my head, I pulled a towel off the side and dried my dripping hair, my black tresses were looking completely unruly. I rarely styled my hair so I thought I'd leave it to save time, but when I stared back in the mirror I hated how rugged I looked.
My stubble was far too thick for a 15 year old boy. I was looking homeless, like I'd let myself go. I couldn't go to my Mams grave looking like I'd just crawled out of a dumpster. It would be disrespectful.
Alph's razor, sat comfortably on the side of the sink, talked me as it had been the past couple of nights. I picked it up, gripping it experimentally and wondering if shaving was as easy as the boys at school said it was.
Somehow time started to pass by as I tried to tell myself that i could learn to do this alone. Most boys had their dads to teach them. I didn't have that, so I'd have to teach myself, just like everything else in life. I had to grow up alone.
I stared at the razor in front of my face for the one hundredth time, focusing in and out on the blades and then back to my reflection. I frowned and looked at the shaving foam in my other hand. This was so stupid. How hard could shaving be?
I understood the basics, I'd watched movies and wasn't stupid. Put the foam on your face and then shave off the stubble. But how did guys Just not cut themselves? What if I cut myself?! I couldn't visit my Mam looking like I'd just stumbled out of a war zone. Dec would know I'd tried to shave then too, everyone would know I did it wrong. They'd laugh at me.
However, I knew I'd have to do it eventually and there was no better time to clean myself up.
But I was still too scared.
Leaning heavily on the Donnelly's bathroom sink, I glared at myself. A real man wouldn't be scared of an inanimate object. So I shouldn't either. My friends would laugh their heads off if they found out what a pathetic pussy I was.
I placed the razor down, having made up my mind and squirted some foam onto my hand. A lot of the boys did it after football in the showers sometimes. Robbie said he'd been shaving for years. I could do that too. Time to man up and just do it.
Glaring harshly at myself in the mirror, I rubbed the strange foaming substance onto my cheeks, only really realising how prickly my face was when my finger-tips brushed over it. No wonder Dec wanted me to shave, he must've been really fed up with spiky kisses.
I wasn't really sure how much foam I needed so I added a little more and just covered my face, accidentally breathing in the strong fragrance and wincing In disgust.
"You don't wanna be shaving dry kiddo."
"Shit!"
I hadn't known anyone was awake let alone watching me, so after practically jumping out of my skin at the voice from the doorway, I
gripped my heart from the freight. Only scowling when I realised I'd pressed a lump of shaving foam against bare pec.
Alph chuckled from where he was stood and smiled kindly despite my foul language, "Finally shaving it off aye?"
I found red flushing to my cheeks for absolutely no reason at all and replied a few octaves lower than was completely necessary, "Dec doesn't like it."
"Anne doesn't like my facial hair either." The older man commented, rubbing his smooth chin before looking back down at me with that same friendly smile. "Need some help with that?"
I swallowed down the embarrassed lump that had lodged its way in my throat and nodded quickly. Alph stepped into the bathroom, placing a hand on my shoulder and coming up to tower behind me.
"Alright so first things first, fill the sink with warm water. Warm not hot and wash that foam off your face a second."
I followed every instruction to the letter. For some reason having Alph in the room meant it didn't seem like such a scary task anymore, in fact I wanted this lesson to last forever.
When the sink was half full and my face was clear again, I switched off the Victorian era style taps and watched as Alph went into one of the draws to pull out an unopened razor.
"Always best to use your own razor and you want the blades as sharp as possible." He picked up the one I'd stolen from the side and the shy blush came back. "See my one looks a little rusty round the edges?"
I let out an inaudible breath of relief that he wasn't mad and nodded, "That's a sign I need to get a new one." Alph chucked his razor in the bin and opened the new one, handing it to me and standing behind me once again.
"Alright so your face is damp now which is how you want it. Now before you lather up what you're gonna do is take your razor and just do a couple of small down strokes where the stubble meets your hair."
"W-where?" I asked nervously.
"Just here." Alph smiled, stroking a thumb across each side of my head and I let out a slow breath. Nodding to myself.
I did light tentative strokes and to be honest I doubt they took off that much hair but Alph seemed to think it was enough. "Great. So now you have two guides to follow so you don't get wonky side burns."
I let out a little laugh and was trying not to tear up. This was one of those moments I always thought I'd have to do alone, when I imagined father and son bonding this was up there and in my world, in my head, I'd always been stood infront of that mirror alone. No one behind me, no hand on my shoulder supporting me. No one there to care if I cut myself or not.
But now I had someone. Now I had a man in my life who could show me all this stuff, who cared enough to show me. I finally had a Dad.
Even when my dad had been home he hated me, always walked straight past me when I wanted to show him something from school or tell him about the goals I'd scored in footie. For once I had a male father figure in my life who cared about me, it was overwhelming and it had tears pouring from my eyes.
"You okay kiddo?" Alph whispered gently, running a hand through my newly washed hair. Suddenly- completely overwhelmed by the emotion- I found myself spinning, jumping into his arms and pressing my slightly damp face into his strong chest.
I tried nodding through tears cause it seemed to be my only way to communicate when words became too challenging and pointless. Alph wrapped his arms around me in a fatherly embrace and kissed my head gently, "Oh son, it's okay. I've got you." His hand stroked over my back as I sniffled and took a few deep breaths to stop from breaking down.
I clung to him impossibly tighter and appreciated how I felt so small and protected in his arms.
So this is what it felt like to be a child.
Almost immediately after breaking down I felt stupid, I was 16 today. I wasn't a child. I tried to blink away the tears and control the sobs until they were nothing more than a memory. But Alph still wouldn't let me go.
"Don't suppress that pain, let it all out. There's no shame in feeling sad." Dad whispered and just with those words, the flood gates opened and I cried endlessly into his shirt. I sobbed until I wasn't even sure what I was sobbing about anymore but It still made me feel better.
Dad continued to comfort me, he kept on petting my hair and rubbing my back in calming circles. Then when I went to pull away, he didn't stop me, just held my shoulders with that same, familiar, loving smile and wiped my tears away.
"Feelin' better, son?"
I nodded my head up and down vigorously and stood a little taller, "Aye... T-Thankyou."
The older man chuckled affectionately, whilst ruffling my jet black hair making me duck with a grin before I was spun back around to face the mirror, "Come on then, let's get this sad excuse for a beard gone then."
I laughed at the insult because he wasn't lying. That was a whole 2 months of growth and as far as beards went it was pretty pathetic. I wasn't ready to grow a beard but that was fine, i wanted Dec to really like kissing me again.
"Now lather up and then start shaving in down strokes on one side, then moving to the other. Make sure you rinse out the blade regularly so you get a proper even shave."
I started and it wasn't as hard as I'd been imagining, Dad took the reigns a few times and helped me do the vulnerable areas like my neck and Adam's apple. The last bit was above my lip which was extremely difficult but Alph's encouragement and patience rubbed off on me.
In the end when I finally dipped to wash the remaining foam off my skin and lifted up to look in the mirror I grinned at my reflection. I looked smart, a little baby faced compared to the rugged look I'd taken on but it was a big improvement. As instructed I dabbed my face with a towel and then added some moisturiser and then sprayed some after-shave. I ran a hand over my cheeks and smiled nervously up at Alph who had pride glistening in his green eyes.
"There we are, very smart. Looking handsome there son."
Water tickled my eyes again but they were of happiness, I refused to let anymore tears fall however and instead jumped forward into Alph's arms. He held like a Dad should, as if I really was his own and... and I loved him for it.
Alph didn't owe me anything. Yet he took me in, gave me a home and my own room. He took me to school and to football. He was always fighting my corner. He hugged me when I was sad and laughed with me when I was happy. He didn't need to do any of that. But I needed him to... and that was enough for him. I was luckiest boy in the world to have met him.
Id got lost in the hug for longer than was strictly necessary but of course dad was patient with me, he hummed above me and I shifted to crane my neck up at him, "What?"
"Fancy a new hairstyle?"
I frowned, but in the end shrugged, "sure." I didn't really care what my hair was styled like anyway. I normally just let it go feral.
Dad grabbed some wax off the side and rubbed it between his large hands, he stepped directly behind me and focused on the mirror as he started getting the wax all through my thick black hair.
I had to suppress my laughter as he did what I decided was probably the only hairstyle he knew. It was identical to his own and although I looked very smart, I also looked 20 years older. Alph however seemed to think I looked great, his face was crumpled in concentration the same way Dec's would and when he was finished he flashed me a grin. "That's better."
I looked back at the mirror and my eyebrows rose at how he'd given me backwards swept curtains. It was a terrible look on me. I reached up for my hair but looked at Alph before I touched it, "May I?"
"It's your head." He shrugged and I cheekily ruffled it back up so it would fall lazily back into its scruffy position over my forehead.
"It wasn't that bad was it?!" He exclaimed.
"Maybe stick to your day job." I quipped.
Dad laughed, clapped my back and kissed my head affectionately before joyfully humming as he left, "Ay alrite. Point taken, I'll go make breakfast."
I Beamed into the mirror, he had been right about one thing. My head did need a new hairstyle, just something more suited to my age.
I fiddled around with the wax, trying a few different styles, trying to figure out what I liked and what Dec would like. A knock on the door was what alerted me to another presence. It was Anne, wrapped up in her fluffy pink nightgown with no make up but somehow looking equally as beautiful without it.
Her smile was tainted with something sad but still warm, "Would you like some help with that?"
"Oh uh... Alph already tried and it doesn't matter, no ones gonna see it like."
"Alphonsus is the worst man to take style advice from. He's had the same haircut since he was 21. I think it's best to leave these things to the professionals." I still didn't seem convinced so Mrs Donnelly added smoothly, "There's no shame in wanting to look your best for a loved one."
I hung my head, kinda feeling like she was just saying that because she pitied me. Me and her had a mutual understanding now but she never really went out of her way to be nice to me like now. She had never sought me out before so I was weary of it.
Declan's Mother walked further into the bathroom and I suddenly became hyperaware of my lack of shirt. Naked was definitely on the list of things I didn't want to be when talking to my boyfriends Mam. She didn't even bat an eyelid, I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or offended.
Unlike Alph, who was a mountain of a man, Anne only just past my shoulder when stood beside me and I surpressed my laugh when she pulled up a stool so she could reach my head.
I let her hands move me and shift through my hair, she didn't need to add much more gel and simply tugged the dark strands in an upwards motions.
"You do have lovely thick hair Anthony." She complimented and I smiled.
"Thankyou."
We fell back into an awkward silence after that, both stood still whilst Anne worked... although I was pretty sure she'd finished my hair a few minutes ago but was still running her hands through it, something waiting on the tip of her tongue.
"If it's not too much to ask... how old were you when you lost your mother Anthony?"
I arched an eyebrow in the mirror at her, why was she asking this now? What did it matter. She could just ask Dec.
"Uh... I was 9. It's been 7 years."
"You must miss her a lot."
"Everyday." I mumbled, looking away. I didn't like talking about my Mam. It made me emotional.
"Who did you turn to after it happened?"
"Minty took us in immediately but between running the cafe and taking care of three kids she was killing herself trying. My Nan made the decision to take us out of there to look after me— something a stubborn minty still hasn't fully forgiven her for. She did an amazing job though, spent every minute with me and the girls... but when my Granddad got diagnosed with Parkinson's I decided to move out back into my Mams old apartment. I had saved up enough money for rent and just needed to take on more shifts at Minty's cafe to keep the girls fed and clothed."
"How old were you then?" She whispered and I closed my eyes to blink back the tears.
"13. I didn't want my girls to grow up in a dying home. Watching their grandpa fade away the same way I had with my Mam's depression. I wanted better for them... still do."
Anne stepped off her stool and turned around to my front, lifting her hand to stroke my cheek with a smile. "She'd be so proud of you. Of everything you've accomplished and every barrier you've over come despite all the odds. You've grown up to be quite the young man. Quite the catch aswell it seems." She winked, for the first time properly acknowledging Declan as my boyfriend in a positive light, it made me smile.
I loved the idea that when I visited my Mam she'd be able to see me, be proud of the man I'd become. I wanted to show her the family I had now, show her I'd found that happily ever after we'd been searching for. That I'd found my soul mate. A boy that she'd adore as I did.
"I best be getting dressed for the day then." Anne smiled, breaking me out of my thoughts but managing to put me at ease with it in a very familiar way which I recognised as a skill Declan also possessed, "In your wardrobe there's a new suit I picked out for you. You don't have to wear it if you don't like it but it's already had the littlen's seal of approval."
I rubbed my eyes, no one had ever done something like that for me before. Gifted me something just because they knew how much looking good meant to me for today. I wondered how Alph and Anne had already managed to be exactly what I needed to get through this. "Thankyou so much. I-I'll pay you back."
She shook her head with a laugh as she walked out the bathroom, calling back, "You better not, call it a birthday gift."
»»»»»»»»»»
True to her word, there was a very smart, black tie suit hanging in my wardrobe. It felt expensive and once it was on I couldn't believe how good I looked. Considering health wise I'd had a really tough year, the suit made me look great. Healthy. I stood in the mirror thinking it was the nicest thing I ever owned and how somehow I'd have to make it up to the Donnelly's. I really wasn't used to receiving gifts.
My hair looked good too, the quif style Anne chose really suited me and I couldn't wait for Declan to see me when I got back. I really hoped he thought I looked handsome too. Maybe he'd like seeing me in a suit more often. I bit my lip and adjusted my shirt sleeves so the white just peaked under the blazer cuffs. It fit perfectly, I wondered how they got my measurements so spot on.
"Anthonyyy my dwess is bwoke." I turned from the mirror when Emma came waddling in, her dress falling off her shoulder and small body.
It wasn't anything I hadn't seen before, Emma loved walking around half naked when she was really little. I just smiled and went through the familiar motions of kneeling down to zip her up at the back. She looked so pretty.
"Are you going to have your hair up or down today baby girl?" She went easily into my arms as I carried her back into the girls room.
"Uhmmmmm" The little brown haired monkey drew it out as she pretended to think about it, I could tell she just wanted my attention. I kept stroking through her hair as she came to a decision, "Emma wears it Down. Yep yep yep!"
Kissing her atop the head, I turned to where Sarha was tying the Velcro on the little silver shoes the Donnelly's had brought her. Both of them looked so smart with their new clothes. I couldn't helping thinking of the time where I couldn't even afford the girls new school clothes.
"You ready to go angel?" I asked gently, holding out my hand to Sarha who nodded jumping off the bed and hurrying to take my hand. I made sure all the bedside lights were turned off before slowly leading them both to the stairs. "Did you both remember to brush your teeth?"
Sarha nodded but Emma kept her mouth shut, I arched an eyebrow at the little girl. She was only quiet when she was hiding something. "Okay go and do it now Em. Make sure to brush for two minutes, do you want some help?"
"I'll help." Sarha mumbled as I put Emma down. I smiled at what a good big sister she was. I kissed the little blondes hair and complimented her proudly, "Thankyou Sweetie, the best big sister aren't ya?"
Sarha was quiet but she loved praise, you could tell by the way her feet fidgeted slightly and how she blushed up to the tips of her ears. She was just like me in that way, constantly seeking the approval of others and beaming when she got it. Knowing she was making me proud, the young girl lead her little sister into the bathroom while I wandered down stairs to get a rucksack ready with water, snacks for the girls and importantly, Sarha's inhaler.
As i shuffled around in the hallway, getting together everything I might need for what was quite a long walk for the girls little legs, I heard a sleepy yawn and whimper from the direction of Declan's part-way open door.
I checked my watch, it was far too early of him to wake up. My plan was too avoid him while I was so emotional but it seemed my plans had changed.
Just to be sure my boyfriend wasn't in pain, I put down the bag and extremely carefully, peaked open his door a little more so I could see inside.
The sight that greeted me was an odd one for a paraplegic. Somehow, perhaps in the night, Dec had managed to roll over beneath the covers which although difficult for him wouldn't have been impossible. What was weird was how his more dominant arm and the one further along in recovery was bent at an awkward angle, up in the air and trying to reach behind him.
I tilted my head, "What're you doing baby?"
Dec jumped a little and flopped back onto the mattress still facing the other way. "Anth is that youse?" He whispered sneakily.
I chuckled "Who else would call you 'baby' baby?"
"Uh other boyfriends?" He could barely contain his giggle cause he knew he was being cheeky. I stepped in closer to the bed and kneeled up beside him.
"Alright then promiscuous boy, do you want some help?"
Dec giggled again and turned his head around to face me, pouting softly, "Ise needs scratches."
My heart glowed with how cute he was, I fell to the side so I was sat more comfortably beside him and moved my hand beneath his t-shirt, scratching his soft pale skin very gently. I knew for sure once I'd found the itch that had been bothering him because he moaned, opening his mouth and almost drooling a little as I reached that spot.
It was big progress that he had an itchy back, it meant he had some sensation around his torso again, it meant that he could finally feel my hands on his skin again and it seemed like he loved it because even once I'd taken care of the scratch, he didn't stop me as I kept going. Gliding my nails rhythmically over his warm flesh.
He was like a cat being petted, he stretched and curled into my hand, his eyes gazing over my suit clad body lovingly.
Dec purred as I retracted my nails and rubbed the nape of his neck, he whispered softly, "You look so sexy."
I smirked, pulled my hand out of his pyjama top and picked him up easily. He slid without protest over the bed as I pulled him onto my lap, I righted his legs once he was leant against my chest and then let him shuffle his arms a little so he was sat comfortably.
My hand returned to his back and I pampered him like that, letting him enjoy the new feeling he had back there. I doubted the muscles were recovered enough to use his core but that was fine, we just had to train harder.
Dec rested his head on my shoulder with a content smile, blinking up at me in awe. I tried not to blush like a shy school girl but the way he was looking at me had warmth flushing through my face. I felt like a million pounds the way he looked at me.
I kissed his head softly and he took this as his queue to lift his hand into my newly shaved face. He licked his lips, reaching to rub his cheek against my own with a hum, "Soooo soft."
Declan must've known that he couldn't rub against me like that and not get caught in a kiss because he wasn't surprised when I tilted my head to get access to his warm mouth. He hadn't brushed his teeth, but I didn't care, I loved kissing him.
After pulling away with a smile, Dec pecked me one last time but then pouted, "I kinda miss the prickles."
A laugh escaped me and I pulled away a little to look down at his innocent grin, "You little cheek, you said you didn't like my stubble!"
Dec scrunched his eyebrows and stroked my soft chin, "Well I suppose youse don't look like an old man now...."
"Rude. So what's wrong with no stubble?"
He must've been thinking something naughty because he bit his lip and buried his flushed cheeks into my neck, my hand went to his hair in amusement as I thought of how to get the truth out of him. "Do you like scratchy kisses more?"
Dec shook his head and leaned up to kiss me again, just got prove he liked my soft kisses.
"So do you not like the feel?"
Dec shook his head again, bringing his small hands to my cheeks, "I like youse soft and squishy."
"Then what is it?"
He blushed again and hid his face, I laughed and pulled him out of my neck. He couldn't hide like that forever.
"Tell me Decky... I thought you wanted me to shave it off." I gave him my best sad eyes and of course he melted instantly.
"Don't be sadddd." He whined, "I like youse clean shaven but there was something about the beard... you looked older a-and... and I.... I kinda liked..."
"Come on Decky I won't judge youse."
He let out a breath and decided to trust me, "The only thing I miss about it was imagining us older... together... maybe husbands or something... I-It made me wanna be a grown-up with you."
I rolled my eyes and groaned with a laugh before pressing my lips back to his, "You're such a sap."
"Hey!" He protested but i didn't let his lips go for long. My hands pulled him closed by his waist and we kissed harder.
"Don't worry Decky I love it. Love youse."
"So you'll be my husband?" He perked up, showering my lips with lots of little kisses between his words.
I laughed and shook my head in disbelief, capturing his bottom lip briefly before gazing into his big, soft, green eyes, "Baby steps Decky."
Dec grinned and I think that was just because my answer wasn't a no. He pressed his lips back to mine and gripped hold of my suit tie tightly, he was so cute in his dinosaur pj's, clinging to me like a needy puppy. I loved him so much when he was like this, all sweet and innocent. But then I loved him when he was fiery and sassy too.... I loved all of him. All the time. I loved him.
»»»»»»»»»»
Visiting my Mam was as painful as it was every year. It really was no place for kids; the two little girls, dressed nicely im their pretty dresses, looked like flowers sprouting through a city pavement. They were the only bit of light in the glum cemetery and their innocence was so out of place beside me.
Emma wanted to place the flowers down this time and Sarha clung to my hand the whole time as I spoke on her behalf, telling her Mam what a good girl has was being and how clever she was in school.
Emma sat down by the grave stone and while her little fingers traced the letters of Mams name, I watched sadly as tears slowly formed in the little girls eyes. I doubted she really understood what this was. What it all meant. But she knew she could be sad about it. I hated making either of my girls upset, but I promised myself that I wouldn't let them forget their Mam. That she'd still be a big part of their lives. That everything she sacrificed for her 3 children wouldn't go on forgotten.
The clouds above us threatened to rain and right on time, I heard the tyres of Mr Donnelly's car roll up into the cemetery. I'd text him to ask if he could pick the girls up because I didn't want them catching a cold.
I rubbed my eyes and knelt down beside Sarha, "Emma sweaty come here please angel."
Em sniffed and picked herself off the ground to wander over to me, I took her in my arms, letting her cuddle up close for comfort as Sarha shuffled In to do the same. I squeezed both my baby sisters equally as hard, making sure they both felt safe and loved.
"Good Girls... you did so good. So so good. Do you wanna say goodbye to Mammy before we leave?"
"Bye Bye Mammy." Emma whispered, almost as though she was scared to actually be heard, "See youse soon."
I kissed her head and hugged her close, before turning to Sarha. Who hadn't said a word to her Mam since she'd died.
"You got anything you want to say Sarha? You wanna say bye to Mam?"
Sarha stared down at the small gravestone and a few tears rolled down her face. I knew this was hard for her and I was prepared for a panic attack if her memories got too much as they sometimes did when he visited her mother's grave.
But nothing of the sort came. Nothing dramatic and gut wrenching. Just a small, almost inaudible, "Bye." tumbled from her lips. I smiled and let go of Emma quickly to hug my blonde little sister who jumped into hiding against my chest, trying to crawl into my jacket.
I knew what it was like for her. Talking to someone for the first time and realising they'd never talk to you back. I knew how much it hurt because I remembered being a little younger than her age at the funeral, stood between Minty and my Grandmother as the rain plummeted down over a grey day just like this one. I remembered not saying anything until the crowd cleared. I remembered trying to hold it together, but the scared little boy I was couldn't. He wasn't strong enough too. He cried and pleaded with her to come back. He clenched his small fists as the rain dampened his jet black hair and he fell to his knees in a puddle as silence settled over him: as no one answered his calls and his Mam never came back.
There was a crackle of thunder and before the girls could see the tears streaming down my face, I rubbed my eyes. Pulling away and taking both their hands, "Come on, let's get you inside before it rains."
I stood up and turned to the black car sat behind us, Mr Donnelly was stood by the open door waiting for us. He didn't say a word, just offered up a small smile which I returned half heartedly.
I focused down at the girls either side me and helped them navigate the grave stones, "tuck in behind me em, that's it. Okay ready to jump this puddle."
Emma being Emma didn't jump over the puddle and marched straight through it, splatting mud all over her nice dress. She let go of my hand and started off running to Dad, "Careful Em it's slippy!" I called and she slowed down some before jumping into her grandpa Alph's arms.
He gave her lots of hugs and kisses, getting her to reach into his shirt pocket. Emma giggled and pulled out a chocolate bar with a squeal, her previous upset completely forgotten.
By the time Sarha and I reached, Alph had Emma strapped inside the car. He placed his arm on my shoulder and pulled me into a hug, I closed my eyes and melted into it, it was nice being comforted after something like that. And it wasn't a feeling I was used to.
"Thankyou for picking us up." I whispered as the pitter patter of rain around us got even heavier and I started feeling the dampness at the seams of my suit.
"Anything you need son." He smiled, glancing behind me at the small gravestone before focusing his attention down to Sarha.
"Hey Sarha, do you wanna give Grandpa Alph a hug?"
Sarha shuffled back behind my leg and I shot Dad an apologetic look but he didn't seem fazed, "No? Well what if I said I had something for you in my secret blazer pocket? Would I get a hug then?"
Sarha's big blue eyes flickered up to me and then to Alph and then to Emma who was happily munching her chocolate and then back to Alph again before nodding.
I smiled as she let go of my hand and waddled into Alph's wide arms. He picked her up making her latch onto him and grin, before she began her hunt for the chocolate in his pockets.
Their smiles lifted a weight off my chest and I stuffed my hands in my suit trouser pockets quietly whilst Dad popped both the girls into the car.
My eyes drifted about the graveyard as I waited, not wanting to climb in the car just yet.
Alph shut the girls door and turned to me, but my eyes were stuck on a strangely familiar silhouette in the distance.
Anger burst through my chest at the sight.
"You alright son?" Alph asked, trying to follow my gaze, "Who's that?"
I ground my jaw, my eyes set on the figure in the distance, not wanting to let him out of my sight.
"Raymond."
"Who?"
A frustrated breath pushed through my teeth, as I bit out, "My biological Dad."
"Does he normally come to... you know... visit."
"Not that i know."
Alph let out a slow breath, shifting perhaps the most poisonous stare I'd ever seen come from him the direction of my father. He seemed mad, almost as though he wanted to go over there but I didn't want them to fight. Alph was my Dad now, he had been more of a dad to me in the past 3 months than the man stood over there had been in all my 16 years of living. He was a sperm donor and nothing more.
When Dad looked like he was going to walk over there I reached out to stop him, holding his arm back.
"Dad." He turned to look down at me as I gently pleaded with him, "It's not worth it."
The taller man let out a slow, calming breath his hench body relaxing just a little but still defensive. He nodded and I had to admire his self-control.
"C-can you wait for me?" I asked, looking to the girls to make sure they didn't know what was going on.
Alph stepped back and let me go. I was honoured by the faith he had in me, because I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was I didn't want that man anywhere near my mothers grave. If he had just been there for her, maybe none of this would have happened.
I'd never met a more pathetic excuse for a man. He had one goddamn job when he got her pregnant the second time. It was just to be there for her when the going got tough. He didn't need to just up and leave without a word.
Thinking about it had me fired up, by the time I had crossed the cemetery and the features of his slimy face became clear I was ready for a fight. I hated seeing myself in him, seeing the resemblance. I hated that I had his blood through from my veins, because that meant part of me was a coward.
I didn't want to get too close. I stopped with a few meters between us and refused to speak whilst I was trying to calm down.
It meant Raymond had the first word. "I didn't think you'd approach."
"Why the hell are you here."
"... today is..."
"I know what day it is." I hissed vehemently, effectively silencing him. "You've never come before. Why now. What's changed."
"My checks usually bounce..."
"I don't want your pity money."
It was true. Occasionally, he sent money. He used to do it for Mam as well but then he'd not answer her calls when she wanted to know where he went. Money couldn't fix what was broken. I never accepted his cash. I always sent them back.
"I know. But the checks Never came back and you never cashed them in..." his eyes flickered to where Alph was watching us, "I was worried something had happened to the girls..."
I scoffed and rolled my eyes.
"They're fine."
He nodded, "I saw that. I went by the flat and saw the eviction notice... knew I'd find you here today."
I just glared at him. Not touched at all at his attempt to ease his own conscience. If he wanted to be a better man he would have showed up. He would have been there for me when his wife died. I wouldn't have trusted or liked him but maybe I could have forgiven him in time. But no. He kept his distance then too. He was never there when I needed him. He only showed up when it was convenient to him. When he wanted something.
"So I see you've got a Chauffeur." He was trying to be funny but it just angered me. When he saw this, Raymond coughed nervously, "You staying with that man?"
It was none of his business but I nodded anyway before stuffing my fists deeper in my pockets with a low growl, "Stop pretending like you care about my life. Stop pretending like you care if the girls are well. What're you really here for?"
After a pause of silence, Raymond seemed to form his words but they were just twisted lies. I could read straight through him so i didn't know why he bothered with it.
"It's your 16th birthday today."
I scoffed, "Don't pretend you remembered that."
"I got a letter from the courts."
My eyes finally snapped to his in anger whilst he continued, "You want full custody."
"What of it?"
"I own a bit of those rights."
"Don't talk about your daughters lives like a commodity. I've looked after those girls single handedly for years now. All I'm doing is making it legal. I have a stable job and accommodation. I can prove that I'm in a position to take care of them. Don't you swoop in here and act as though you have any right to fuck this up for me."
Raymond looked down and laughed darkly, before looking back up at me with a sinister smirk, "You're still just a boy Anthony. My lawyer believes that I have a strong case."
I was fuming. "A strong case for what?! You don't care about those girls!! Emma is not even yours you asshole! I've raised them! They're more my kids then they have ever been yours!"
"Look you've done a good job kid but I think you should let the adults take it from here. Someone needs to take custody and the court will not rule you with or without my opposition. You're too young and too stupid. If you lose this battle those girls go into the system and some random family will claim the benefits."
I stilled.
Benefits.
"Are you serious?! This is about benefits?! You want the money? How dare you! Right in Front of my mothers grave how dare you threaten to take them just so you get paid for it. You heartless narcissistic asshole!"
I was about to leap forward and bruise his smug face but before I could so much as throw a punch, there were strong, impenetrable arms around me and I was roughly turned away from my father.
I knew it was Dad who was holding me, his familiar masculine scent was so obviously Alph. I slowly stopped struggling as he held me tight and whispered, "Don't let him get in your head. Look to the right by the window."
I shoved him a little, still wondering if I could break free and attack the man stood behind us. Alph's over 6ft frame was far too strong though and in the end I looked up to church wall. A security camera, facing directly at us. Watching. Recording.
"This is a legal matter, anything you do now can harm your case and he knows it. Don't give him the satisfaction."
"He's trying to take my sisters from me."
Alph squeezed me tight and kissed my hair, "He won't son. He won't, I promise. We'll sort this out."
Very cautiously, Dad's arms released their grip around me. His hand slid to my shoulders and when I made no move to run at the other man, he finally turned us both. I couldn't meet Raymond's eyes, I didn't want him to see the tears there. Alph spoke for me, his deep voice stoic and intimidating behind me.
"So you must be Raymond. I wish I could say it was a pleasure but I'd be happier to see a rat right about now."
My eyes flickered up through my fallen tresses to watch as Raymond's smirk fell. I liked that thought, he did remind me of a rat.
"And you must be the wannabe father. Couldn't get it up to make your own huh? Gotta steal someone else's? Are you a man or a pedophile?"
"I actually have 7 biological children and 3 grandchildren. All of which I've nurtured and watched grow since they were barns. I'd say I'm more than equipped to look after 3 more. I'd also confidently say I'm more of a man than you'll ever be. I'm pretty sure even a pedophile would be shocked by your parenting skills."
I couldn't help but smirk, Alph was destroying Raymond as though he was just a warm up before the real fight. The bald plumber was out of his depth completely and I felt proud all of a sudden. Proud that Alph called me his son and let me call him Dad. I didn't need Raymond.
Suddenly I stood a little taller in front of my old man. I now had a Dad in a my corner, one better than Raymond could ever have been; one I could be proud of. It was a damn good feeling.
Raymond seemed lost for words, he probably knew as well as I did that he wasn't smart enough to win this fight. That whatever he said Dad would have a comeback ten times more humiliating for him.
Unable to pick on someone his own size, he turned back to me. A 16 year old kid who he thought he could bully, "Don't get comfortable kid. I'm coming for you in that court room."
Dad did not appreciate the threat, sudddnly I was tucked behind him and he had squared up to the shorter man. My biological father was only an inch taller than me but was much skinnier. Which meant in the same way Mr Donnelly towered over me, he looked like a mountain compared to Raymond who shied away when the Irish Catholic 6ft 4 male glared down at him and growled, "You'll have to get through me first. Now get out of here, your presence is disrespectful."
I expected atleast some kind of comeback but even if there was one, Dad wasn't waiting around to listen. He took my hand in his firmly and led the way back to the Car, gesturing me up into the passenger seat.
Dad slid in beside me and slammed his door shut, letting out a long breath over the wheel before turning to me, he placed a hand on my thigh and smiled weakly, "You okay kiddo?"
I bit my lip, because I really wasn't okay but I couldn't show the girls that.
The older man sighed and put the vehicle in gear, "I know son. I know. Let's get you back to Declan ay? I've got some icecream in the freezer and I'll cook up some pancakes."
"Icecweam????" Emma squealed
"Pancakes?" Sarha gasped.
A small laugh left through my nose, after rubbing my eyes of any tears, I turned to the two little girls and grinned, "You can have pancakes before bed but only if you help with the dishes okay?"
"Eewww dishes." Emma whined and Alph laughed.
"Dishes can be funny Emmy, I'll let you lick the bowl before we wash it too."
"Ooo Okie! I like dishes! Yep yep yep!"
We all laughed, even Sarha giggled. I felt better just from the warmth it lit in my chest, I'd be fine as long as we stayed together... and I'd do anything to make sure that happened.
Okay I promise to try not to leave so long between now and the next update! I literally didnt realise how much time had passed until I read the publish date for the last update which was MARCH! Unbelievable! 👀
This took a lot of rewrites so I really hope you enjoyed what I came up with. And I know there wasn't much AntxDec in this one but never fear, there will of course be more fluff to come ❤️🥰