“He sounded like an amazing man.” Gabrielle commented.
I wasn’t sure when it happened but my face was streaming with tears. God. I shook my head and stood to my feet. Wiping my face, I began collecting my things. Retelling our relationship was more painful than retelling the story of getting my brain bashed in. I needed to leave. I didn’t even bother to really provide a response to what Gabrielle said. She stood to her own feet, swiping her skirt.
“Uh well, thanks for sharing that with me Beyoncé.” She replied.
I simply nodded while heading out. I opened her door and could hear her wanting to say something else.
“I’ll see you next we-“
She was interrupted with the closing of the door behind me.
~~~~~~
I couldn’t get home fast enough. Once inside my home, I immediately peeled off all my clothes on the way to my room—leaving a trail of my outfit scattered around. In my drawer, I grabbed that old shirt I found that belonged to Shawn. I put it on and curled up into a ball on my bed. Sinking my head into the collar, I cried my heart out as all those memories of him all it me at once. All those times we made love. We covered every inch of this house. He made it his mission to fulfill every sexual need and fantasy that I had. I wish he was here right now to do it all again. Crippling waves of aches and fatigue stabbed at my body. Feeling completely hollowed out once my tears finally subsided, my phone began to ring. I poked my head out of my self-made cocoon and heave a heavy sigh. It was Kelly, I realized after hearing the caller ID. I didn’t feel up to chatting but I knew ignoring her would only elicit more calls and an unwelcomed visit. Harassment was Kelly’s mean of persuasion. I rolled over to the other side of the bed and answer it right as the voice mail was about to pick up. Quickly I sucked up any residual tears and cleared my throat. I didn’t want her to know I was crying.
She had called to remind me about our agreement with the whole dating thing. I rolled my eyes while listening to her listing off all the reasons I needed to call Lazaro today. She made sure not to leave out the fact that I had been completely brush off-ish to him since the day he stepped foot into our gallery. Personally I saw nothing wrong with it. In my opinion, it would be leading him on by going out with him. To me, that was doing more harm than being honest in the first place. I don’t want to do this. Especially, since I have no interest in not only in him, but in dating all together. I can’t even fathom loving another man the way I loved Shawn. There was really no point to this besides getting Kelly off my case and out of my love life. We went back and forth in this debate when Kelly reiterated my promise and agreement to the 3 dates.
I growled. “Fine Kelly, fine!”
“I don’t know why you tryna weasel out of it all of a sudden.” Kelly went on to criticize. “Don’t be backin’ out your word now.”
Shawn was what changed my mind. These therapy sessions and the direction they have been going in lately were wearing on me. How I longed for the easy going conversations about art and what my favorite novel was. Though I was forewarned about its difficulty, actually dealing with the brunt of my depression proved to be too much.
“I’m not.” I softly responded.
“Good! Do you still need me to be there when you call him… which you will do tonight?” She sternly asked.
Her voice was more commanding than suggestive.
“Uh, sure yeah.” I answered half-heartedly.
“Okay, I’ll be over in a few.” She said before we hung up.
I sat up right, looking at the tear-stained shirt I was in. I gripped the hem and caressed it with the pad of my thumb. Sharply I inhaled, drying my wet eyes.
“I need you Shawn.” My voice cracked as I muttered to myself.
I ran my hand over my face and forced myself out of bed. I walked into my bathroom. Turned on the water and put the plug in the drain, letting the tub fill up. I undressed and sat in the tub. Reaching over, I grabbed some soap and my rag. I lathered up. Dipping my wash cloth into the water, and squeezing it over my shoulder, I sighed. I bathed myself for about 15 minutes. Lapping up the water and squeezing it over my exposed body parts.I lay back resting my head on the edge of the tub. I stared at the water. Made little ripples in it. There was a gnawing pain in my chest. It was moments like these where I’d get the urge again. I sunk down a little lower, letting the water cover my ears—blocking out reality for a moment. Everyday has been such a struggle without him. Sometimes feeling like it was not worth being here anymore. I lay back further. The water now covered my mouth. A tear escaped and fell into the bath. Taking in another breath, I completely submerged myself underneath the water. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling above. I held my breath hoping to stop the aching in my chest, if even for a little while. After some time my heart began to beat faster. Then I felt this suffocating feeling. It didn’t feel any different from how I felt above water. Slowly I pushed air out my nostrils creating little bubbles that surfaced to the top. I watched my last bubble surface. The water vibrated and I could faintly hear some commotion from the outside. I shot up into a sitting position. I gasped and ran my hands over my face and through my hair. The banging was louder. Kelly yelled through the door.
“Heffa you done yet? Don’t be tryna spend forever in there to avoid this phone call now!”
When my heart finally steadied, I climbed out, wrapping a towel around myself.
“Y-, yeah I’m coming.” I called out.
I looked into the mirror at myself before shaking my head and exiting the bathroom. I was immediately met with the house phone shoved in my face.
“Here ya go.” She replied in short.
“Can I at least get dressed first?” I asked, bypassing the phone and heading to my dresser.
She took my back hand and placed the phone in it. I sighed and pulled out some underwear. I quickly slipped it on before looking at the phone. Scrolling through the cal log I searched for an unsaved number. Finally finding it I looked over to Kelly whose brows were raised. She motioned for me to go ahead, fanning her hands.
I stared at it. Finger hovered over the call button. I drew in my bottom lip. Kelly nudged me lightly causing me to hit talk unintentionally. I glared at her and she only shrugged nonchalantly. She took my hand that held the phone and pressed it against my ear. It rang. My other hand shook. She took it into hers and smiled at me, mouthing an ‘it’s okay’. I returned a weak smile back. He picked up on the 3rd ring.
“Hello?”
A lump was caught in my throat. Kelly squeezed my hand which in turn squeezed out my response.
“Hi.” I blurted out.
Mentally I chided myself for sounding so stupid. I could already tell this will be unbearable. I cleared my throat before trying again.
“I, I mean hello.”
“Beyoncé?” He guessed.
“Uh, yeah how are you?” I asked as politely as I could.
“Um…I’m great, I guess.” He sounded completely stunned and baffled. “Just a little confused, you know, about you calling me.”
“Oh.” All I could come up with in response.
“So to what do I owe this miracle?”
I offered a half laugh. “I uh, I was mainly calling to, um…” I looked back over to Kelly who only nodded with pursed lips. I sighed. “I was calling to first apologize about running out on you the other week.” I sincerely said.
“It’s okay, I understand.”
I furrowed my brow at how he said that. It almost insinuated something else to me. Or maybe I was reading too much. But there was something about his tone… like he knew something. I shook the accusation. Kelly nudged me again.
“And…I also uh, wanted to ask you, um, on a…date?” I insecurely put.
“What changed your mind?”
I noticed he neither accepted nor declined my proposal. Part of me wanted to say:
Because I made a deal with my best friend, that’s why
That would be rude…but true.
“Because I’ve… I just been brushing you off and I guess now, I don’t see the harm in it.” I released Kelly’s hand to swipe the strands of hair that was plastered on my face.
Silence.
He hummed, sounding not totally convinced. I didn’t blame him. My answer was terrible.
“Okay.” He said.
“So I’ll see you tonight?”
“Tonight?” He asked surprised again.
“Yeah… can you make it? I asked silently praying that he couldn’t.
“No, no it’s cool. It’s a little sudden.” He chuckled. “I would have liked to plan something out for you.”
“Don’t worry about it, a simple dinner and a movie would be fine.” I assured.
“Well next time I promise to have something planned.”
I scrunched my face. “Next time? We haven’t even gone on a date yet.”
He was already talking about next time?
He chuckled. “A man can only hope.”
“Mmmm.” I plainly hummed.
“Okay so I’ll see you at around 8?
I looked over at the clock. That gave me a little over an hour to get ready.
“8 is fine.”
“Do you want me to pick you up?” He asked.
“No that’s okay, I’ll just meet you.”
I didn’t need him knowing where I lived. Especially since this isn’t going to last past a third date.
“Alright, see you soon then.”
“See you soon.”
We hung up and I tossed the phone back at Kelly. She caught it in time before it hit her.
“Happy?” I asked.
“Yep! Now let’s get you ready.”
We spent the next hour blow drying and straightening my hair and picking out my outfit. Due to the causal nature of this date, and the fact that I wasn’t really trying to impress Lazaro, I decided on some skinny jeans, a black tank top, and some black boots. I only applied some lip gloss, mascara and a little eyeliner to finish off my look. Before heading out, I copied his number into my cell phone.
Kelly and I left in our separate vehicles. While in the car, I dialed his number to let him know that I was heading over to some restaurant downtown that was also near a movie theater. He agreed to meet me there in a few and that he was on his way. I was parked and outside of Ambrosia’s waiting for him. The entire time I was already counting down to the end of this engagement. All I could think about was being somewhere else. Moments later I saw Lazaro walking up the block. I had to admit he looked nice. He was dressed in some dark denim jeans, a navy blue button down with tiny white polka dot detailing and some chocolate brown loafers. He approached me and gave me a hug, giving me a chance to smell him. He had a crisp scent. It was like Irish springs and Calvin Klein. He smiled that beaming smile of his and mine was dim in comparison.
“You look beautiful.” He complimented.
“Thanks, you look nice too.” I complimented back.
“Come on, let’s go in.” He led me into the building by the small of my back.
We were greeted by the hostess and were seated in a matter of 10 minutes. The whole time I didn’t speak. Once at the table our waitress immediately came with the menus and took our drink order. She promptly left after that to give us time to scan through the menus and get our drinks. I had wished she only stayed a little longer. I held the booklet up, burying my face. My way of avoiding any eye contact. I didn’t pay too much attention to what it said. My mind was back at home, in my bed and under the sheets.
“You know what you ordering?” Lazaro asked.
I peeked over my menu. “Uh, I’m still looking.”
His menu laid flat on the table. He simply nodded. I lifted my menu back up and shook my head. How was I gonna get through this? This time I paid attention to the actual menu instead of using it as a shield. Then the waitress reappeared with our drinks—my raspberry ice tea and his beer.
“Are you guys ready to order?” The waitress asked with her pen fixed over her notepad in preparation.
Lazaro nodded and smiled politely. “Yes can I have the Jack Daniels steak sirloin with the side of jasmine rice?”
She nodded her head, scribbling down the order. Then she turned to me.
“And you miss?”
“Uh, I’ll have this chicken and shrimp.” I replied pointing to the dish in the menu.
She nodded again, scribbled it down and took our menus. There went my barrier. She left leaving me with him all alone. I pursed my lips and folded my hands on the table. He just looked at me with those piercing eyes and I shifted in my seat and cleared my throat. I looked away, turning my attention to the nearby table.
“You okay?” He asked after some sustained silence.
“Huh?” I looked back to him.
“You’re very quiet.” He pointed out.
I bit my lip. “I uh…” I looked around. “I just haven’t done this in a while.” I mumbled sinking into my seat a little, hunching my shoulders.
“What? Gone on a date?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
He smiled, shaking his head and lightly chuckling. I smiled with my eyes casted down.
“Are you nervous or something?” He asked.
I shrugged. “I guess.”
He reached over the table. My eyes followed his hands. He placed his above my folded ones, gently stroking them. I looked back up to him.
“You don’t need to be… you don’t even need to think of this as a date.”
“Oh yes I do.” I blurted out.
That was supposed to remain in my mind head. He laughed and looked at me strangely. I smiled back.
“Okay then fine, this is a date.” He chuckled holding his arms up in defense.
Silence.
I could tell he was calculating his next move in his head.
“Well, tell me about yourself.” He insisted.
My noncooperation must have been killing him.
“What do you wanna know?” I asked.
“Anything. Everything.” He smirked.
“Well, you already know I own a gallery.” I started off. I scanned my brain for more trivial facts. “I’m from Houston, Texas.”
I shrugged again and placed my head in my hand.
“You’re really not good at this at all.” He laughed.
I joined in on his laughter feeling so foolish.
“I told you it’s been a while.” I admitted.
“Why is that?” He asked looking at me seriously.
I shook my head, not wanting to talk about it. He nodded like he understood and quickly backed off and switched gears in the conversation. Finally our food came—it couldn’t have come sooner. I busied myself with my plate. I listened as Lazaro talked about himself seeing that I had no more information to offer. I learned that he was an architect and designed in one of the top firms in the city. He had just moved up from Florida about 2 years ago starting at his new job. I nodded and listened a little intrigued about him designing and building homes.
“That’s cool. I used to think I would build things.” I recalled.
“Oh really?” He looked amused. “When was this?”
I smiled. “Well I was always one of those curious children. I always wanted to know about stuff and how they work.” I giggle to myself remembering a specific memory. “I remembered I was in this phase of wanting to break apart things so I could put them back together… unfortunately I wasn’t as good at putting it back together.”
He laughed and I hid my face. “My mother was so upset when she found the VCR in pieces.”
“I was the same way, except I could actually fix it.” He taunted.
I rolled my eyes and fanned him off. “Whatever.”
“See was that so hard?” I commented.
“What?”
“Opening up a little.” He smiled.
His eyes sparkled each time. Like he had a light inside them. I would find myself drawn into them at some points, but would quickly divert my attention back to my plate. I tried to avoid doing that the rest of the date. I went back to listening. Occasionally added my input. But inside I was a little restless. I couldn’t help but have Shawn in the back of my mind. At some points he would come more in the forefront of my thoughts and guilt would sweep over me. Emotions were soon intensifying and I felt that similar suffocating feeling again. I stood to my feet.
“I need to go to the restroom. I’ll be back.” I said in as a controlled tone as possible.
Though, I could feel the tears in the back of my throat. He looked at me a little concerned but nodded.
“Okay.”
As if he gave me the green light, I practically fled the dinner table and rushed into the woman’s bathroom after asking a worker where it was. I pushed into the doors and stood over the sink. I clutched the marble counter and took deep breaths. Looking at myself in the mirror I coached myself out of sobbing. I ran the water and held my hands underneath it. Just as a way to soothe my nerves. After a couple of minutes and a few noisy glances from other women, I exited the bathroom and headed back to our table. And at the same time the waitress came back with the bill, handing it to Lazaro.
“You okay?” He asked while handing his credit card to the girl, but keeping his focus on me.
I nodded. He stood to his feet and walked to me. He placed his hands on my arms, sliding them up and down the length of my triceps.
“You sure.”
It was like he was examining me, his eyes roaming all over to find what was wrong. I quickly nodded again insisting that I was okay. But somehow he knew I wasn’t. Instead he pulled me into a hug and I stood there stunned. We didn’t speak and he simply held me… I allowed him to. I rested my head on his chest. No one uttered a word. The embrace was so strange. It simultaneously did and didn’t make sense—if that makes sense. The waitress came back and I pulled away from him as he took his card back.
“You still up for a movie?” He questioned.
I smiled weakly and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
~~~~~~~
We made our way over to the movie theater which was only about blocks away. We decided to walk. Think like a Man was showing and we decided to see that. He paid for our tickets and bought us some popcorn and a drink. I was grateful for the movie because it was dark and didn’t require any communication between Lazaro and I. I knew he was still skeptical about me being okay, but at least this way I could avoid any questions.
It was a good movie. Kevin Hart was pretty funny and I enjoyed it overall. During the movie, Lazaro didn’t try any of those corny things like yawning so that he could put his arm around me or trying to touch my hand while we shared the popcorn. He respected my space which I appreciated. That hug at the restaurant was still on my mind. I was trying to make sense of my feelings during the movie credits. He had to tap me back into reality.
“The movie’s over you know.” He chuckled.
“Oh.” I looked around noticing everyone was heading out.
He held his hand out, helping me out my seat. And walked out the theater. I had almost forgot I was still holding his hand a too hastily snatched my hand back. He furrowed his brow, but didn’t comment. I sighed, making all the wrong moves tonight.
The walk to our cars was a silent one, much like most of the night was. He walked me over to mine first. I unlocked my car door but didn’t enter.
“Well I hope you had a good time.” He said with his hands stuffed in his pockets.
“I did.” I managed to say. He gave me a smug look and I giggled. “I mean it.”
He smiled satisfied. “Okay.”
He took my hand and placed a kiss on the back of it. I stood there and bit my lip, taking my hand back.
“Have a good night and drive safe.” He said helping me into the car and closing the door for me.
“Thank you.”
He began to walk away when I called out to him.
“Wanna go out again tomorrow night?” I asked.
He gave me that same weird look. I’m sure I’ve been sending crazy mixed signals and it was throwing him off. However, I was trying to burn through these dates as quickly as possible.
“I can’t.” He said.
I frowned a little. “Oh.”
He took notice of my disappointment and quickly offered an explanation.
“No not like that, I mean, I had a great time. I just have another engagement tomorrow night. I’m meeting up with my parents.”
“Okay ok then.”
He walked back over to my car and hunched over into the window. “But I’d love to, and will definitely give you a call.”
He leaned in a kissed my cheek. I gripped my steering wheel.
“Good night.” He said waving.
“Uh, g- good night Al.”
His brows rose and a big smile spread across his lips. “You called me Al.” He pointed out.
I shook my head. “I guess I did.”
He nodded his content and waved one more time before walking over to his own car. I sat in my car letting my thoughts roam. Too many things were popping up that I couldn’t quite single out one. It was all jumbled. I heard a car honk which scared me out of my stream of consciousness. It was him. I smiled and waved before shifting into drive and finally pulling out of the parking lot.
I got home and pulled off my boots. Where I left them by the door lazily. I walked into my room and plopped down face- first into my bed. I sighed into my pillow.
One down, two more to go.