Corazon Perdido
A novel writer by:
xxakanexx
Alpha Series 2: Book # 01
Future Husband
IT was not easy. At times, I still ask myself why I pushed you away. I miss you every day. I always sleep at night still thinking about your arms around me. I never told you this, but it is when I am enclosed in your protective arms that I feel the safest, with you around, I feel that I could be me, the me that I have been hiding, with you, I did not feel the need to be strong or to suppress my feelings, it is just that, at that moment, I wasn't ready. I did not know when I would be ready, and so, I let you walk away, even though my heart was torn into million pieces, my love. I always pray that you had come back for me. That was what you promised me before, but now I understand that even the most patient man has its limit.
I miss you. It is the third year that you did not show up in our place. I miss you, my love. I hope you are happy. Even though I am hurting this much, I only wish for you happiness. That is how much I love you. I wanna see you happy, even though you are not with me. I know that you can find the one thing I could never give you. I hope you find it soon.
Loving you still...
Rafaelle...
I do not know how many times I have written about my lost heart in my most treasured notebook. Diaries are trend of the 80's but I still keep one. This notebook is the only thing that knows about my real feelings and my deepest darkest secrets. Most importantly, this notebook here is the only witness of how I wrecked my own heart. I still cry about it, I still regret my decision. Kunsabagay, kasalanan ko naman iyon. I was too afraid to take it to the next level. I was also too comfortable. Naniwala akong kaya niya akong hintayin kahit na anong mangyari, na mamahalin niya pa rin ako kahit na sa isang taon ay isang linggo lang kaming magkasama. Akala ko kaya naming dalawa, akala ko makakapghintay siya hanggang sa kaya ko nang unahin ang sarili kong kasiyahan; He knows about my fears, and he knows about my reason. He was patient enough to love me despite of all my flaws. He was ready to give me the world, he was willing to do everything for me. I had him wrapped around my delicate fingers, but I gave it all up. I thought he would still wait for me. I was too confident that he loves me too much, that he could never live without me in his life.
Well, I got it all wrong.
My love got tired. He wanted me to marry him – that was something I am not ready to give into yet. Akala ko kahit na anong mangyari ay maiintindihan niya ako, hindi rin pala. I hate it. I was too hurt, but I realized that I deserve that too because I have taken him for granted, and now, I am here, alone, cold, and uncertain of so many things around me. Tama nga iyong sinasabi ng matatanda, nasa huli ang pagsisisi.
I held my breathe when I heard a faint knock on my door. I wiped my tears, hid the notebook inside my dresser's drawer and went back to the bed. Nagtalukbong ako ng kumot. I didn't even have the chance to check on the time because I was too busy wallowing in my own pain, pero alam kong umaga na. Hindi na naman ako nakatulog.
Seconds later, I felt a warm hand caressing my shoulder. I was still under the sheets, the next I heard is my mom's sweet voice.
"Yafa, baby, come, it's morning already. Have breakfast na." I pretended that I just woke up. I even yawned as I show my mom my face.
Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko nang makita kong ngiting – ngiti si Mama sa akin. Ganoon na palagi ang expression ng mukha niya mula nang ikasal muli siya kay Don Paeng at umuwi na siya rito sa Hacienda Asuncion. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasan ngumiti rin. Nakagagaan sa loob na makitang ganito si Mama. She had always been lonely and insecure. Ang daming nagbago mula nang maging maayos sila ng tatay ko. She caressed my face.
"Your eyes are puffy, did you cry? Anak, natulog ka ba?"
"Of course, Mom." I yawned again. "I cried a little. I was watching something last night, the lola in the family died, it was such a heartbreaking scene." Pagsisinungaling ko. Skeptical si Mama pero napabuntong – hininga na lang siya. "What's for breakfast? Is it the typical Filipino almusal which I like?"
"Yes, anak. Paeng made some fried rice, eggs and some tocino. Gusto mo iyon diba?"
"Yup! I'm going to get dressed na, is Ate Mona joining us?"
"I don't think so. Kung pupunta ang Ate mo, dapat kanina pa siya nandito." Napabuntong – hininga na naman si Mama. Napansin kong nakatitig siya sa akin pagkatapos ay hinawakan niya nang mahigpit ang kamay ko. "Rafa, can I ask you something, anak?"
"Yes, mom, what is it?"
"It's that time of the year, right? Iyong aalis ka for a week. Wala ka bang balak?" She knows. Kahit yata wala akong sabihin kay Mama ay malalaman niya pa rin. Siya at ako lang naman mula noon at kahit napapaligiran na kami ni Don Paeng at ng mga anak nila ni Mama – well technically, they are my siblings – alam kong nababasa pa rin ako ni Mama.
"Oh... right. Wala akong balak umalis ngayon, Ma, mas gusto ko rito sa hacienda, saka isa pa, I want to bond with my nieces and my new nephew, si Juan Rafael. Oh! I really want to bite his cheeks! He's so cute! Sabi ni Ate Mona, halos maghapon siyang nagpapa-breast feed kay Juan Rafael eh. One time, I went there, and the baby was feeding, Mama, ang cute ng galaw ng cheeks niya, plus I really wanna pinch Ate Mona's nipple, pero masakit raw."
Mom looked like she was done. Alam niyang iniba ko ang usapan on purpose. Ayokong pag-usapan ang dapat sanang isang linggo kong bakasayon. I swallowed hard. I wish Mom will drop this. I want to move on. It's been four years, tama na iyong kakaisip ko sa kanya. Tama na iyong gabi – gabi ko na lang pinagdadasal n asana ay masaya siya.
"Let's eat now, Rafa." I thanked the Heavens when Mom finally dropped the subject. She ruffled my hair and went out of my room. Naiwan akong kaupo sa kama. I sighed deeply. Another sleepless night brought by my deep regrets.
I got ready. I took a bath and wore my casual clothes. Wala naman akong gagawin sa hacienda buong araw. I am here for a vacation. Kaga-graduate ko lang, I am planning on taking my Masters. Pinag-iisipan ko pa lang kung sa Paris Fashion school o sa New York School of Arts and Fashion ako mag-aaral ng Masters ko. Fortunately, nakapasa ako sa parehong schools. Hindi pa nga lang ako nakaka-decide kung saan ako pupunta.
I have lived in New York for half of my life, maybe I need a change of scenery, if that's the case, Paris would be my choice, but still, kung ako ang tatanungin, sa Brazil ko gustong magpunta – maybe then I could see him – even from afar...
"Why am I thinking about him in the morning? My thoughts of you belongs at night." I sighed again. I checked myself for the last time in the mirror. Noong sa palagay ko ay okay na ako ay lumabas na ako ng aking silid. I went downstairs to the dining area to find my parents – Mom and Don Paeng, swaying in the middle of the dining area. My mom's arms were wrapped around Don Paeng's neck while Don Paeng's hands were at my mom's waist.
I smiled. I had always wanted to see that smile on my mother's face. Ngumingiti naman siya noon, pero kahit kailan ay hindi iyon umaabot sa kanyang mga mata. It was also the reason why I never pushed her to be together with my Godfather, Daddy Jose. My mom never smiled like that when she's with Daddy Jose. Kay Don Paeng ko lang nakita ang mga ngiting iyon – ngiting lumalabas kay Mama kahit nasasaktan siya noon.
"Aga – aga, ang lalandi." I rolled my eyes hearing my brother – Crisanto's voice. Mukhang kababalik niya lang galing sa kung saan. He was wearing his bulok na haciendero outfit – sirang pantalon na may katernong butas – butas na sando na pinatungan ng unbuttoned flannel plaid shirt. Oh! He's outfit is so cliché. "Anong tinitingin – tingin mo riyan?" Inis na naman siya sa akin. I rolled my eyes again.
"Your outfit is so cliché." I deadpanned.
"Your existence is cliché." Balik niya sa akin. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.
"Hindi ka na bunso." I smiled at him sweetly, I swear nakita kong umusok ang ilong niya. Sinabayan ko iyon ng pagtalikod at saka ako lumapit sa hapag. Mom and Don Paeng stopped what they were doing and joined me in the dining table. Padaskol namang naupo si Santi sa tabi ni Don Paeng habang iniirapan ako.
"Rafa, kumain ka na. Gusto mo ba ito?" Si Don Paeng pa ang naglagay ng rice sa plate ko. Of course, I thanked him. Hanggang ngayon ay sinusuyo niya ako. Magda-dalawang taon na silang kasal muli ni Mama, and up until now, he's making bawi to me. Ramdam niya siguro na hanggang ngayon ay medyo malayo ang loob ko sa kanya, but don't get me wrong, I love him and I am thankful to him because he made my mother happy.
"Pa, ako gusto ko niyan." Sabi ni Santi.
"Ito, ikaw maglagay." Ibinigay ni Don Paeng ang bandehado kay Santi. Napangisi naman ako lalo nang sumimangot siya.
"Darating nga pala ngayon si Jaque, anak." Wika ni Mama sa akin. Jaqueline Guevarra is my cousin. Anak siya ng pinsan ni Mama. Siya ang palagi kong kalaro noong bata ako kapag nagbabakasyon kami ni Mama sa Nueva Vizcaya. May mga lupain rin kasi ang pamilya ni Mama roon.
"Oh, I haven't seen her for like seven years! Buti naman po at dadalaw siya!"
Tumawa si Mama. "Sabi ko na nga ba at ma-e-excite ka pagdating niya rito. Tumawag siya kagabi, gusto ka ngang kausapin kaya lang sinabi kong nagpapahinga ka na. She asked me if I could be her Ninang. She's getting married by the end of this year."
"That's nice! Who's the guy? Is he someone you know?" I asked mom while getting a piece of egg, pero nilagay na rin iyon ni Don Paeng sa plate ko. I smiled at him again.
"I don't know him. Isasama niya raw dito. Baka magtagal sila rito, anak. Gusto raw niyang matuto kung paano pangangalagaan ang lupain sa probinsya kaya sabi ko, pwede siyang maipag-usap kina Ross, Sabello, Santi at dito na rin kay Paeng."
"Santi?" I looked at my brother. "You mean Kuya Fonso, right, Mama? Kuya Fonso knows more than what Santi knows. Santi is just a pretty boy who likes to whine a lot. Ni hindi nga siya marunong magpalit ng gulong sa car niya."
"Why would I do that if I have people to do that for me?!" Angil niya sa akin.
"Hay, umagang – umaga, Crisanto, h'wag mong awayin si Rafaelle!" Angil pabalik ni Don Paeng. Napangisi lang ako habang ngumungiya ng tocino. Natahimik siya.
"I love the rice, Don Paeng. Thank you." I said. I turned my charms on. Oh, my father was flustered by my comment. Natuwa naman ako. Mom held my hand and mouthed thank you to me. I giggled again.
We ate in peace, panaka – naka ay inaasar ko si Santi pero hindi na niya ako pinapansin. Hindi nagtagal ay may maid na pumasok sa dining area para ipaalam na may bagong dating.
"Jaque is here." Mom smiled widely. Tumayo sila ni Don Paeng para salubungin ang pinsan ko. I stuck out my tongue to Santi sabay tayo. Iniwanan ko rin siya sa dining area. I walked towards the direction of the front door. I could see a mop of dark brown hair being hugged by my mother. She was giggling. Sure akong si Jaqueline iyon. Nakaramdam ako ng excitement.
"Rafa!" She exclaimed when she saw me. I half run to her and we hugged each other. "Oh my god, sobrang busy natin, ngayon lang tayo nagkita sa mata!" I giggled when I heard her comment. "I got a diamond!" Ipinakita kaagad niya sa akin ang engagement ring niya. Nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko.
"That is a big rock." Sabi ko na lang. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at ininspeksyon ang singsing niya. "Where's the groom – to – be?"
"Oh he's just helping with our suitcases! Tita, salamat sa pagpapatuloy sa amin rito ha. Tito Paeng thank you in advance sa training na magaganap. Businessman ang fiancé ko pero wala siyang alam sa lupa, pareho kami."
Nakikinig lang ako kay Jaque. I was all smiles, but in the middle of listening to her conversation with my parents, I felt a pair of eyes looking at me, so, I looked around and I found a pair of gray eyes staring at me with disbelief in his eyes.
My mouth parted.
My heart ached.
"Oh there he is. Tita, Tito, I want you to meet my future husband, Felipe Geronimo Orejon. He's half Brazilian."
"It's nice to meet you."
"And that's my cousin. Rafaelle. You can call her Rafa."
Our eyes met and I felt my heart being ripped apart for the nth time and it's all because of him.
"Prazer em conhecê-la senhora" He was too formal, and it's too painful for me. He offered me his hand but I was too afraid that if I took it, I'd start crying uncontrollably. Ayokong mangyari iyon. Natagpuan ko ang sarili kong nakatitig sa kanya.
"Prazer em conhece-lo também."
"Oh, buti pa si Rafa marunong mag-Portuguese." Tumawa si Jaqueline. "I only know English and Mandarin, Felipe is both fluent in those languages."
"Oh paano, tama na muna ang kuwentuhan, magsikain muna tayo. Tamang – tama nag-aalmusal na kami. Let's go inside."
Sumunod sila kay Mama. Nilagpasan ako ni Felipe. Ang lakas – lakas ng tibok ng puso ko pero kasabay noon ay ramdam na ramdam ko ang sakit nito. Naiwan ako sa may front door, napahawak pa ako sa dibdib ko. Sa ganoong pwesto ako natagpuan ni Kuya Sabello at Aelise.
"Rafa, what's wrong?" Sabello asked. Humawak siya sa braso ko.
"Saan kayo galing?" Ayokong pag – usapan. I fixed myself.
"Sa kamalig." Aelise answered me. I tried to look normal. I rolled my eyes. Pabiro kong tinulak si Kuya Sabello.
"Ewww! Take a shower first no!"
I runaway. Lumabas ako ng mansyon. I found myself standing beside the Santelmo tree, catching my breath.
If life really wants to fuck you, he will really fuck you hard. Just like what happened to me now.