~Jesse's perspective~
How could I possibly explain what I did? How did I smile back at him when he smiled at me, unknowing of my betrayal. I don't even know what we are, but I know I hurt him, even when he didn't know it yet.
I told him I loved him and I hurt him. I deliberately hurt him. I did exactly what he said I would do. I gave as much meaning to his words as he told me I would. I deliberately hurt him. And I didn't even try to make it better. I didn't even try to get her out after, or tell her that she needed to go, or that it was a mistake. Now I got her hopes up as well, and I put myself into the impossible position of having to choose.
When he wasn't there it seemed like such an obvious decision, it seemed so rational. We never established what we were. We never communicated the limits of our relationship. Even after all this time it still felt like a friendship, but isn't there a limit to friendship? This must be it then. I used this nescience and used it the way that was so blatantly wrong that I can't stop wondering how I could make such a dumb decision.
The entire day I felt so worthless, alone, unhappy. Guilt kept washing over me in waves, each wave feeling higher, becoming harder to handle. Each wave feeling like it could drown me.
And why shouldn't the waves drown me? I kept on looking at him. My eyes are drawn to him like a moth to a flame.
Every time he held his pen the way that he does, a wave hit me. When he tugged his jacket when he got up, a wave hit me. Even when he was just walking to the interruption mic or taking the stand my guilt made it hard to breathe. But still my eyes couldn't stop admiring every little detail of his face. No matter how hard the waves hit me, my heart still lifted when I saw that little smirk on his face, I could still feel my throat becoming dry when I saw that little spark in his eyes, when he thought of a response. But the happiness makes the guilt hit even harder. And even that guilt was more bearable than the guilt that hit me every time his eyes flashed over to me, looking for support or comfort, the little smile that followed crushing my heart.
How did I ever think it couldn't be enough? That he wouldn't be enough? My heart aches but I still don't know what it wants. It got even more confused when my phone lit up. It was Jolein.
"Hey you ;) I checked with my sister and she can take over the kids again."
"Trying to get out of your duties I see."
"Actually trying to get them back full time...."
I saw it coming. How many times did I wish she would say something like this? How many times did I dream about what would happen last night?
I looked up at Rob. There it was again, that sparkle. I saw Cherry adjusting the mic nervously. He tried to keep his posture, tried to stay above Rob, but they both knew Rob was right and that there was nothing to do about it. Rob's eyes flashed to mine, and he made his final move as I texted
"I need a bit more time."
Cherry walked away after being so obviously defeated, immediately starting to write furiously as he sat down, multiple papers being shoved his way. Rob's shoulders moved a bit more backwards, his chin a little bit more up while he grabbed his glass and took a sip. His eyes met mine, and I gave a small thumbs up but quickly focused back on my phone when I saw another message pop up.
"Of course, take as much time as you need."
And now the guilt is hitting me again. His eyes sparkling as he talks about the day.
"And did you SEE Cherry's face??? He knew he could never compete with me! I love politics."
I smile at his cute face, but immediately feel guilty. I don't deserve to be around him. Not after what I've done.
"Hey, are you okay?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I don't know, you seem kind of... off."
"I think I'm just tired."
I try to fake a smile, to make it seem like everything's okay. But on the inside I wanna throw up. I'm sitting in his house, eating food that he made because he was excited to cook for me once, and I don't deserve it. I don't deserve his seemingly endless love. I don't deserve his enthusiasm. If I ever deserved it I don't deserve it anymore.
"Well, you have been doing a lot. I still have some energy, so if you don't mind I'll work some more and I'll join you later, okay?"
This would've been so much easier if he wasn't so lovable.
"Sure."
"Oh, and I'm going for a run at 5 or something, but I don't think you want to join."
"Why on God's forsaken earth would you go on a run at 5 AM?"
"You ask me that every time I tell you that. But I need to lose some of the calories I got from your amazing food."
A sweet kiss on my face that makes my heart sway. How much I wish I could enjoy it to the fullest. How much I wish I could undo what I did last night. How much I wish there wasn't a single doubt in my mind about my love for him.
I stare up at the ceiling of his bedroom. He told me he missed his old apartment, the one he used when Sjoerd was away. The one he sold to be close to Sjoerd again, but what only drove them apart further. He told me this bedroom didn't feel like home, unless I was in it as well.
Do you know how unbearably sweet that was to hear? Do you know how much I wish me and him could live together?
But I fucked it up. Before we could've still lived in the same house. Sure there would be rumors, but nobody could confirm or deny it. But now Jolein expected me to return to my old life. I expected to return to my old life.
But Rob didn't. He expected me to stay here, in a relationship so full of love, but never enough to be satisfactory. He expected me to be there for him, like he had been when she broke my heart. And now I'm thinking about trading the literal angel for somebody who left me?
But how many times had she been there for me? How many times had she comforted me when I felt down? Too many times. She had been the love of my life for so long, how could I trade that away for loving in secret?
"Jesse? Are you still awake?"
"Mmm"
I feel his warmth radiate against my body as he snuggles up to me. His hair tickles on my chest and I feel him smiling.
"I told you to go to sleep."
"I couldn't sleep without you."
His giggle tickles me. He thinks it's cute and flirty, but when he's not here my mind is confused and making it impossible to sleep.
"Well, I'm here now."
Guilt crashes over me as I remember how I said those words to her just a few hours ago.
"And I don't want you to lose sleep over me."
"Well I can't help that."
"There are so many other things to worry about. We have a country to lead, remember."
He buries his head even closer in my chest.
"Breaks almost here though."
"Yeah, about that. Do you want to go to Italy? We could taste some real ragu."
Oh no. He wanted to go to Italy, with me. Oh no. Oh fuck. Guilt and panic rush through my body. How much I wished I could say yes.
"Don't you think that will be very suspicious? With the whole you know, keeping the relationship a secret?"
I know he can hear my heart beat faster, his ear is literally on my heart. He told me it was his favorite place to lie because he wanted to hear our hearts start to synchronize.
"I don't want to hide anymore."
It was so soft that I thought I dreamed it.
"What?"
"I don't want to hide my love for you anymore. I spent too long hiding who I loved already."
"Oh..."
"So you don't?"
"Well..."
"No I get it, it's fine. We'll wait until your ready."
"No but-"
"Jesse, please. I don't want to hear it. Let's just... sleep."
"If you could-"
"Jesse, no."
He doesn't go back to his usual spot on my chest, but moves to his own pillow.
The remains of my heart shatter inside of my chest.