There have been bombs setting off in my head, the booms and pows reminding me of the reminded and the remained. I had felt weak, my appetite lost for a few days as the memories of that party continued to echo throughout my mind, screaming endlessly to make sure I would not forget. I wish I had taken pictures of everything, that I had my polaroid camera with me the moment I saw the first Keg. I could have hung it up on the laundry line. I could have forgotten again, however, I didn’t think anything through that night. I was just an endless puddle of agony with my shaky hands and pitiful whimpers that escaped my lips for hours.
Gene didn’t return the next day from the place she ran off to, and I didn’t really know how to react to that. I just walked downstairs the next morning, grabbing a glass of milk as I was surrounded by the infinite number of plastic red cups and shattered glass that was scattered all over the floor. My mum texted me, asking how it went and after about a few minutes of contemplating my own sanity, I responded with a ‘good’, my foot trying helplessly to scoot one of the cups away from my view as much as possible.
Though, that action was really quite a useless one since I ended up having to clean everything up either way. Well at least seventy percent since I nearly broke down when a bit of excess alcohol touched my fingertips from an empty beer bottle.
I texted Sylvia, asking her for assistance followed by countless apologies since I could not bring myself to touch another container or cup or anything that held liquid.
She messaged back, saying how it was not a problem at all and when she returned, her usual welcoming smile vanished when her eyes spotted the empty kegs that had been traumatizing me that whole night. Sylvia doesn’t really know much of the ‘incident’ that had happened when I was a kid. All my mother told her when she got the job was to not get too close to me (Any woman at that time still made me very uncomfortable) and to not bring any alcohol into the house which I think is really a rule for any maid anywhere, however, my mum emphasized that part quite intensely. As Sylvia began to grow on me, I began to say good mornings to her when I would awaken as well as allow her to bring in my clean clothes into my room instead of the middle of the hall like she had before, the two of us bonding. She then questioned one day why my parents were so against alcohol, Sylvia noticing how they didn’t even share one glass of wine for their wedding anniversary. I told her how they thought that I would scream again and Sylvia didn’t say anything to that.
I’m sure Gene has also confessed things about our pasts as well, however I didn’t really want to think about any of that. I didn’t want to think about Gene, at least for a while.
Sylvia picked up all the things I couldn’t, eyeing each one intensely with no comment or sound leaving her lips. I knew she was going to tell my parents, that she was going to ask where Gene was, that she was going to ask what had happened the night before, so I walked up to her and placed my hand on her shoulder to catch her attention.
‘Don’t.’ I mouthed once she turned around, hoping that she would understand everything I was trying to say in that one syllable.
She didn’t respond. Her eyebrows just furrowed as she stared at me a bit longer before she walked passed me to grab a used cigarette from the floor.
I was unsure whether to thank her or not for her silence since I was unsure whether she was going to actually listen to me and not even mutter a word to my parents since they would act very irrational.
So instead, I replied with nothing as well, the room filled up with trash and a whole lot of nothing that felt like something.
A few hours later, Coop and Izzy came to pick me up, Sylvia reassuring me that she would clean the rest of the house and to not worry. I was getting ready to cancel my plans, feeling shitty or shittier if I left this woman on her break to pick up the whole backyard that probably smelled like barf and cold pizza, though she hugged me and said in her thick accent,
“Wineee, et iz jo bethday. Go be wit jo frendz while jor yung.”
I couldn’t say no to that, especially since she seemed to be trying so hard to make today good for me and so I gave her a hug, my body realizing how much I needed one at that moment and she didn’t say anything else. She just let me hold her and I let her hold me and I felt a bit more at ease.
I had gotten ready quickly, knowing that I didn’t have to dress up since Coop and Izzy don’t care about what I wear. I could be wearing a fucking potato sack with numerous holes and they would find it acceptable.
Izzy and Coop practically tackled me when I walked outside, both of them hugging me tightly to the point where I had trouble breathing, a very small smile growing on my lips. Danny couldn’t join us since he had begun his pre season practice and couldn’t get out of it, even though he did try as Coop had mentioned. I didn’t mind though, especially since I really needed a day with just these two and what a day it was.
Coop bought all of us McDonalds as promised, my body having to force the food down due to my very lack of appetite, eating seeming to be more of a task than anything else. However, I didn’t comment on it. I just continued eating, continued to mask everything I was feeling so neither one of them would know. It was an amazing day. It truly was and when I opened my gift which was revealed to be an Elvis case for my phone, followed by Izzy’s joyous smile when she bit into her first bite of fast food in years, I almost cried. I almost hugged the both of them so hard in the corner of that restaurant. I almost admitted how much I need them to stay with me as I would sob into Coop’s neck. I almost did what was expected of a crazy person like me. However, I didn’t want them to be reminded. I wanted them to think they were having a simple birthday lunch with their simple friend who was simply happy and who was not at all unhealthily dependent on them.
And for the first time, I lied to everyone except myself.
We all went to the theater after, Coop once again paying for everything and even though I offered to pay for at least my own ticket, Coop refused.
I hadn’t been in a theater in a few years and the atmosphere was comforting and secluded, the darkness allowing me to let myself feel a bit of what I had been holding in. I didn’t cry, but my chest felt heavier and when I felt Izzy grab my hand, I know she noticed and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry. It was too much for me, having to pretend as if nothing happened when my world felt like it was shattering to pieces right around me.
But then I returned and Coop glanced at me, only half of his face visible due to the lights from the film that was playing in front of us.
He didn’t really have any evident emotion in his face as he stared at me, Izzy sitting on my other side with a bright smile as she continued watching.
‘Later.’ He mouthed.
My stomach dropped and I just turned my head back to the screen.
I still am unsure what we even watched that day.
When we returned to their house, Iz brought out a spoon and her beloved jar of mint chocolate chip ice cream, handing it to me immediately as she wrapped a blanket around my body. We were all sitting on her bed, Coop included and when he rested his hand on my thigh, I began crying again, the same sounds from last night returning to my lips.
My eyes were closed and I knew I was shaking again, shaking quite pathetically.
“Shh.” Coop whispered in my ear, his arms wrapped around me as he rubbed up and down my back in a comforting manner.
“Tell us when you’re ready. Izzy and I are here.”
His voice was soft and low as if he was reassuring me that the two of them were the only other people on this earth, that no one else could possibly hear.
I nodded my head and I told them. I told them everything.
Izzy’s face went pale and I felt sick to my stomach at her sudden sadness, my head shaking.
Coop was hugging me again, latching on tightly and Izzy joined in soon after.
I kept on mouthing apologies to the air before Coop released me a bit to kiss the top of my head before pulling me close to his side.
“You’re here now and she’s far away and I’ll hug you all day if you want and you’re going to see Louis in a few days and I-” He took a deep breath and I brought one of my arms around him, my tears wetting his shirt.
“You’re here now.” He repeated.
I felt Izzy nod in my back and I took a deep breath myself, the three of us hugging for several more minutes before we all finally released from each other, a forced smile growing on my wet face as I noticed how disheartened they both were at the confession.
‘I can not eat this ice cream all by myself.’ I choked out once I glanced at Izzy whose eyes were beginning to gloss.
She forced a chuckle before nodding and grabbing the tub from my grasp.
“Yeah, Winnie. Yeah you’re right. I’ll help you out there, WInnie.”
She said my name twice, but I didn’t say anything of it.
We watched netflix the rest of the day, the three of us seeming to be attached by the hip for many hours until I fell asleep on Izzy’s shoulder, waking up in the morning to realize that neither of them moved.
Coop didn’t want to take me back home later that afternoon. He wanted to keep me there telling me that if he even spotted Gene’s car in the driveway, he would lose control and I knew he was serious since he actually spoke her name for once.
But I knew that my parents were going to return in about an hour, and I knew they would have many questions as to what happened at the party and whether I enjoyed it as much as they wished I would and I spent about half an hour creating these answers to their questions and I so dearly wanted to get it over with.
Besides, I wanted to hug them too. I had hugged almost everyone and I really wanted to seek this internal peace from my own parents for once. Whether they would know it or not.
Coop finally agreed, even though he was still antsy about the whole thing and when I finally returned home, I noticed how the whole place was practically sparkling, Sylvia gone.
I smiled at that and when my parents entered the premises, I gathered them both in my arms, even grabbing their suitcases soon after up to their rooms so they can sit down on the couch and relax a bit. I really just wanted the whole conversation to be over with and it did, Gene still no where to be seen.
My mum asked how it went and I responded the same way as I did through text.
‘Good.’
She smiled and perked up and after commenting on the grand cleaning before getting to the real mystery.
“Where’s your sister?”
I could have shrugged. I could have said that I didn’t really care. I could have said that she probably went to go drink some more with her new greasy looking friends.
However, I didn’t say any of those things.
‘Friend’s house.’
She nodded and my father finally spoke up.
“Oh. Well at least you had a nice party. I’m proud of you.”
I felt sick again.
‘Yeah.’
The weekend felt dreadful yet lighter and since I didn't really want to feel shitty for my little reunion, I did a sort of emotional detox, only listening to happy, upbeat music as well as watch some more television on my laptop. It didn't help completely, but it did ease some of the blow and I guess that was a good thing.
Louis was texting me a countdown each day as to when he were to be coming. My smile was genuine each time I read a smaller number and when Monday finally came, I grew nervous and excited and happy and I wanted to hide yet hide in Louis’ arms and I truly didn’t know what to feel. I just knew that I wanted to see him so badly.
Coop had a discussion with my parents over the phone on sunday, telling them that Izzy had been lonely lately (Yeah he used the Izzy card) and how she wanted me to sleep over the whole week. Of course my mum had an issue, saying that a week is just too long, no matter how long they’ve known me, but when I butted in the conversation, asking if that could be my belated birthday gift from them (Other than the $500 they gave me), she finally agreed.
Am I actually going to sleep over Izzy’s house the whole week?
Yes.
Am I going to hang out with her all day everyday for that week?
No (Even though I would love that as well.)
It’s all a part of the plan that Coop and I created for the Louis and Winnie fun week week (Izzy named it). How it works is that Louis would fly in and check in to his hotel that he had already texted me the address to, would unpack, and would sneak to the back where Coop and I can pick him up secretly in Coop’s hippie mobile to be dropped off at my summer home or whatever place Louis pleases. And this, God bless Cooper’s generosity, would happen everyday for the whole week
According to Louis, he did not tell one soul where he had departed to, the only ones aware being Garett who had to come along for protection purposes and Zayn who in Louis’ words, found out because he’s a sneaky lil twat. Other than them, no one knows, Louis having told everyone else that he was going to see his family.
I did feel bad about that because Louis’ family probably misses him more than I do, especially his mother who hardly gets to ever see him, but Louis told me that he promised them his visit for next time and my guilt faded a tad at that.
When Coop and I entered his bus that day, I made sure to sit in the back all the way to the left next to the window. I wanted to make sure there was enough space for Louis, that he would immediately sense where I wanted him to sit. It was already getting my mind crazy and tingly at just the thought of him being so close to me. Just thinking about his voice actually sounding, his eyes looking back at me in person, my hand being able to reach out and actually touch him, it was all so glorifyingly consuming and it seemed as if almost all my bad thoughts from before were melting away.
Garett didn’t step out with him even though I wish he did just in case fans found out he was there and would begin crowding around him dangerously, however, none of that happened.
The back door opened and my lips separated when I saw him step out, my hands holding on to the stack of napkins diligently. Coop made a comment, explaining how I looked like I was staring at the second coming of Jesus and I remained the same, my heart racing when his eye caught the bus.
He was wearing a white Adidas T-shirt with red stripes right above the sleeves along with his signature black skinnies and vans and I had to restrain myself from jumping out of the bus right there to hug him endlessly like some sloth.
I noticed how we was holding this dark blue duffle bag with beige leather straps in his right hand, but I only gave it a few seconds of my attention before looking back up at him.
He entered and my stomach was turning, the smile on my face becoming clear as day when I noticed those recognizable crinkles by his eyes, the ones that always matched his happiness and when he said those five simple words, I knew I was done for.
“Long time no see, Winnie.”
He closed the door behind him, Coop offering a simple greeting before Louis finally sat down.
Right next to me.
He said a polite ‘Hey’ to Coop in return and when the twenty-five year old began driving, Louis finally turned to look at me, his eyes looking brighter than last time.
“No backing out now.” He whispered, his whole face going soft as he scooted closer to me, our thighs only inches away from touching.
I shook my head, chuckling a bit before unbuckling my seatbelt and reaching over to him, my left arm going around his shoulder and the side of my face touching his neck.
His body stiffened and I was freaking out for about a second until he chuckled as well, his body turning completely to hug me too.
I wanted to stay there for a while. I didn’t want to let him go, already beginning to dread his departure that’s going to come in seven days and when his hand went to the back of my neck as he sunk his face into my shoulder, I knew he felt the same way, even if a little.
After a few seconds like that, Coop, like the cock block he is, spoke.
“Look. I may be your chauffeur for this week, but please keep the couple PDA to a minimum. I don’t want to have to bring a hose with me next time.”
I felt my cheeks burn, Louis beginning to laugh lightly as we both let go, his eyes closed for a few seconds.
“Oi! A man can have his needs can’t he?”
Fuck.
Coop laughed at that, the two of them finding the whole thing amusing while I just sat there with my face looking as if I stayed out in the sun too long without any sunscreen. I don’t think Louis noticed my apparent embarrassment since he sat back down normally and slinged his left arm around my shoulder, holding me close to him as he begun to curl a strand of my hair around his finger in a gentle way that unwinded me little by little.
Yeah, I seriously didn’t know what to expect this week.
Coop and Louis quickly made conversation, Louis asking how Danny’s doing and Coop explaining the whole practice thing which then lead to a conversation about the Rovers which left me out.
I didn’t really complain though, my whole body feeling more tranquil as I noticed the small smirk on Coop’s face when I glanced at the rear view mirror. They weren’t necessarily bonding, but I could tell that Coop was easing a bit up with him which was a good sign since he doesn’t really approve of, Louis or didn’t.
They shared a few laughs and I was smiling the whole ride over, Louis looking down at me at times whenever I would take a quick look at him. He looked so quaint and relaxed, and I begun to think that maybe this was all very comforting for him too.
Louis accepts me for who I am even though I can be strange at times. He notices my quirks and odd habits and embraces them, making me feel okay for a while and even though it’s odd and different, all of these things he’s making me feel, like the rain with the smoke, I’m just going with it.
Then the bus halted with me and Louis and Coop all unsure of the outcomes that would arise from that day and the next and the next and the next, but Coop still said a pleasant goodbye to the both of us. And Louis still grabbed his duffle and got off, me following right behind with my stack of napkins.
I wasn’t really ready for the realization that hit me when Coop finally drove off and I saw Louis standing there with that one ray of sunlight hitting his face, causing his eyes to squint. I wasn’t ready when I stuffed the paper squares in my pocket in a sloppy manner and sped walk to him. I wasn’t ready when he turned around to face me and smiled when I hadn’t even done anything yet. I wasn’t ready when I picked up my pace. I wasn’t ready when he caught on to what I was doing before dropping his duffle bag on the floor. I wasn’t ready when I wrapped my arms around him again, using the amount of force I wanted to use since I saw him walk out from that door. I wasn’t ready when I felt him hold me back, and holding me as if I were some fragile piece of glass while I was holding him as tightly as I possibly could. No one’s really ever ready for whatever things like that was and when one of his hands went to the back of my head as he nuzzled his face into my shoulder, I closed my eyes and gripped on to the fabric of his shirt, the both of us just hugging in front of the sky and everything else in this fucking world.
“We definitely need to make this our thing.” He muttered into my ear, goosebumps growing all over my skin as I nodded into his chest.
He chuckled this delighted chuckle and my head went fuzzy for a bit as I tried taking him in.
I wanted to remember this. I didn’t want to hang this on a laundry line. I didn’t want to hang any moment with Louis on anything. I just wanted to let myself have this one good thing, I didn’t want to let even the rain touch it. This was all mine. For once in my life I got something I wanted and it felt damn good.
When we pulled apart, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder again, grabbing his bag from the dead grass and lifting his eyebrows as he shook his head and let out a breath of air.
“Damn it, Winnie.”
I smiled, scrunching up my nose in questioning once he glanced down at me.
I noticed how his cheeks were a bit pink and I wanted to kiss both of them, my stomach turning at the thought.
“Nothing, I-”
He stopped himself, his throat clearing before he pulled me closer.
“You know what, fuck it. I just really have missed you.”
I smiled even wider and we both began to walk, the two of us just laughing at nothing at all really, but just laughing I guess for the point of being able to hear as much as we could from one another. It was soothing and exhilarating and my mind was reminding me how it was going to end while another part of me was reminding me that it was only the beginning and I couldn’t stop looking at him.
A few napkins were falling from my pockets and I didn’t really care, I didn’t want to move my arm. I liked how Louis’ hand was placed right on the top of it and I didn’t want him to move it at all.
His eyes went wide when we both stepped inside, his joyful laughter filling up the room.
“You opened up the windows?” He questioned, looking down at me quickly as we were both stopped right at the door.
I nodded.
‘Yeah.’
He just laughed more, his head even tilting back a bit, his happiness lustrous.
“Fuck. The windows are open and you’re here an-”
I laughed too, feeling brought back to that day many months ago where he first saw all the windows open. I’m still unsure as to the reason why they mean so much to him. But also, I remember how he mentioned how he can never simply open one, that there’s always a crowd of people waiting somewhere and how opening a window brings trouble and danger in all ends.
Maybe it makes him feel free.
His eyes widened again and he quickly snapped his fingers in realization, his arm going back to his side to my slight disappointment.
“Before I forget!”
He quickly walked to one of the couches, me following right behind before he placed his bag on one of the cushions, unzipping it with my curiosity pulsating.
‘Louis-’
He pulled something out, his back facing me and I began to grow anxious and excited, my hands rising up to my strands of hair as I tangled my fingers through them. I know it was my birthday only a few days ago, but I didn’t really expect him to bring me a gift. His company was just a gift all in itself, no matter how cheesy it fucking sounds.
“So I went to this store in California, and fuck, you don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to just blurt out and tell you what I got but I wanted to surprise you and-”
He turned around, holding this stackful of comics that were each in these clear plastic casings, each one in near perfect condition.
My mouth was agape, my eyes staring at the different Marvel characters on the covers as he placed each one, one by one, in my hands, my mind analyzing everything.
From the several vibrant colors to the classic art style of each one, not one comic disappointed me. Then again, Louis could have brought me a fucking DC comic and I would’ve been beaming like an idiot. Just the fact that Louis thought of me got my heart pumping fast in my chest.
Hell, that’s what I was doing right then, my inner fangirl revealing itself once my thumbs brushed over Thor’s face.
‘Louis, I-’
I don’t know if he understood what I said but either way he was staring at me with this fondness in his eyes and if it wasn’t for the beautifully crafted stacks of paper that were resting in my unworthy hands, I would have melted right there if possible.
“I was thinking that we could maybe read them together while we’re here. I mean they’re yours so you don’t have to if you don’t want to, bu-”
‘Of course I do!’ I quickly interrupted him, not caring if I sounded too enthused.
I wanted to express myself so much more at that moment. I wanted to drop these comics (nicely) on the nearest table and hold him in my arms as I kissed him hard. I wanted to hug him again and I wanted to tell him how much I liked him and damn it, I just wanted the whole fucking lovey dovey package right there, but I controlled myself, instead, balancing all of them on my left hand as I grabbed his wrist with the other, leading him to the couch so we could sit down together and look at them.
He let me lead him, his eyes still on me and when we both sat down right beside his bag, he began to laugh lightly.
“Winnie, I have something else to give you. Don’t open those just yet.”
He laughed again, sounding a tad nervous and when I placed the comics down on my lap, with my happy mood as evident as the fucking sky, he began to rummage through his stuff for a second time.
He held a clear, empty mason jar.
My smile was vanished for a second, but not from displeasure or dismay, but from curiosity. Someone like Louis doesn’t just give someone like me something simple like that. It has more meaning.
Everything with, Louis has more meaning.
He was gaping right at me, his smile gone too as he licked his lips nervously, his hand going to his shirt quickly as he pulled it down a bit for no apparent reason. It’s like he was stalling, trying his best to delay the explanation.
I wanted to place my hand on his, wanting to reassure him that it was okay, that he didn’t have to be uncomfortable around me but that’s too intimate for what we are.
He finally took a deep breath.
“So you know how you hang those pictures outside so like you can get rid of the memories you don’t want to um remember?”
Before I could even answer he continued.
“Like I know this isn’t really the best gift to give a person because it’s a fucking jar like what’s so important about that? Like it’s not for jam or anything if that’s what you’re thinking. Because it’s not and-”
I furrowed my eyebrows.
“Um well I was thinking about what you would do if you reallllyyyy wanted to remember something one day. Like would you just keep a picture or not even take a picture at all or just something close to that and as I continued thinking, I came up with this idea and bought this damn jar the next day.”
He chuckled nervously.
“So to cut this story short, um I was thinking that lets say it’s raining one day and like fuck, it was a really good fucking day and you want to remember it in some special way like you do so you place this jar outside and it catches the rain from that amazing day for you-”
I froze, my face calming.
“-and so when you bring it back inside, it’s filled with that rainwater so you place the jar in your kitchen or room or where ever and the next day or next week you can look at that jar with that specific water and just...remember…”
He captivated me.
“And the next time you have a good day, you just throw the water away and catch the rain again and yeah maybe I didn't cut the story short.”
I couldn’t stop myself.
I don’t think anyone could have if they felt the things I feel for, Louis Tomlinson.
I scooted closer to him and I pressed my lips upon his right cheek, leaving it there for a few more extra seconds than intended.
I heard his breath catch in his throat and I felt his cheeks grow warm, his hands still holding the jar and when I pulled away, I saw how red he was. I saw how glittering his eyes were and how taken back he looked.
“So. So…..So I’m guessing you like it.” He commented, his voice shaky and his mouth still slightly open.
It was even better than the comics in my opinion.
He created this idea, this masterpiece of an idea that I never would have thought of and I wanted him to know. He didn’t just see buildings, he saw another world.
So I snatched one of the hanging napkins along with the pen in my other pocket and I wrote, his hand going for the napkin almost immediately once I finished.
‘You have yourself a handcrafted superpower, Louis Tomlinson. I give my uttermost congratulations.’
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FREE CHEERS TO WINNIE REALIZING HER FEELINGS LIKE FUCKING FINALLY.
HOOOORRAAAYYYYY. VIRTUAL PIZZA SLICE FOR ALL!
(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
AND LOUIS BEING SO CUTE LIKE ヽ(ﾟｰﾟ*ヽ)ヽ(*ﾟｰﾟ*)ﾉ(ﾉ*ﾟｰﾟ)ﾉ
XD HAHA!
WELL I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED BECAUSE NEXT CHAPTER IS GOING TO BE FLUFFY AS SHIT LIKE OMFG IM READY.
WOOOO!
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And can we just talk about Zayn's hair because I think that is the second coming of Jesus like-
omfg.
Side is gif of Louis the most adorable sassy Llama this world has ever known.
Also side is this love song that pretty much is Louis and Winnie.
Lounnie af aight.
BTW this chap is in past tense for a reason yo like aight? aight.