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. . . Even though I'm better off by myself, loneliness hits me from time to time. . .
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CHAPTER 40
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The school looked as busy as ever. Standing and silently watching over it from afar made me even miss it. The stress of walking in and out of it every day couldn't be matched with the amount of stress I felt just standing behind the fat oak tree with barely any leaves on it, and staring at the entrance nervously to not be caught. Dropping out wasn't even a bit of my concern when I had so many more dangerous things in the back of my head.
I buried my hands deep in the pockets of my black thick oversized hoodie and sighed behind the black mask covering my mouth and nose, rolling my eyes at every person passing through the entrance until those I wanted to see showed up.
My heart clenched in my chest at the sight of them. I've never seen them look so tired and lifeless. Was it my disappearance that brought them to this stage? What was even happening at home? I was itching to know every single thing about every single one of my family. Yet there I was - standing a hundred feet further and just watching over them like a maniac. Unable to go and comfort them in any way.
I cursed. The second I caught Jina almost collapse in Haechan's hands I was more then ready to rush in there until the picture of the snipers in my head stopped me from moving and I just gulped. My heart broke into tiny pieces inside my chest like glass piercing through my flesh to burst out in pain and sadness.
I couldn't bare to watch the state they were in. Jina couldn't even walk without Haechan and Chenle's help, Jisung, Jeno and Renjun were just staring at the ground ahead of them, walking in silence, and Jaemin - with his unreadable burdened expression, not paying attention to anything around him. They seemed broken, not even talking as they slowly walked towards the exit of the front yard. Taeil's jeep waiting for them at the gate. If I could only see his face too.
I wanted to run ahead and just hug them all tightly. I wanted to just tell her that she's not to blame for anything, because I just knew Jina had taken the whole blame for my sudden disappearance on herself. And I wanted to tightly wrap my arms around Jaemin and receive a deep and meaningful kiss from him like there's no tomorrow. But I couldn't do that. Approaching them meant danger for them and I would rather deadly ache than to kill them.
I closed my eyes as they all got in the jeep one by one supporting each other in silence and the car drove away just like every other day.
I took a deep breath, slowly drowning my painful thoughts and feelings into nothingness before I exhaled a shaky sigh and reopening my eyes.
In the corner of my eyes the black jeep was still there slowly disappearing in the distance. I wondered if I was causing them too much trouble, were they still searching for me? How were the others doing? How was Mark doing? We couldn't make things up between us before I left the mansion. I wanted to know everything instead of coming here, hiding and watching them from afar like a stalker. But I just wanted to make sure they were alive, that was all.
I finally turned around to leave, jumping in surprise by a black haired guy's approach. "You suprised me..." I said lowly, facing him. I put on the hood that just fell from my head from the sudden jump. "What is it?"
"We have to go now Soji." He said giving me a pat on the head, making me move my head away. His dark slanted eyes softly staring at mine. He was way too sweet to me, I started to feel sorry for being rude to him at times. He deserved that the least. He was helping me so much after all.
"Okay... let's go then." I mumbled and turned around again. They were gone ofcourse... The school yard was now almost empty, as abandoned as I felt, though I was the one that had to leave. I abandoned them, but just for a short while.
I gulped, slowly making my way towards the black haired guy's car that by now felt like my own. I didn't bother to put on the seatbelt on me when I got in like I always did before. I didn't even get scared when he started driving fast. We were late for a meeting but it wasn't like I gave a fuck. I was there because I had to and nothing could change that.
I leaned back on the seat, closing my eyes to rest for a bit. Sleep wasn't my bestest friend lately and I could use some rest any chance I could get.
"You know that we're going to the AUAP tonight, right?" He said it with low, calm voice keeping his gaze on the road and I nodded. It wasn't like I didn't know, I just wasn't excited for it. I didn't even plan on going to that stupid party. My time was precious I had to gather 10 million dollars before the end of the month and I only had around 7.5 million dollars and one more week to gather the rest.
"You have to be there too..."
Glancing at him with a dead glare I shook my head, disagreeing with that statement. "I don't have the time to party Jimin... I have to gather 2.5 million dollars more." I paused. "Besides, they might be there. . ." I mumbled silently staring at my lap like a scolded child just to jerk forward the next second.
He let out a sigh, glancing back at me while stepping on the breaks hard, making the car abruptly stop. My body rocked itself back and forth, I could feel my heart thundering in my mouth because of the sudden action. "What the hell are you doing–?"
"You're coming to that party tonight. That's it. You need to take a fucking break Kim Soji, you haven't eaten anything nor had any proper sleep these past weeks. The only thing you've been doing is gathering money like crazy. And if you're so damn worried we will also cover for you. I don't even understand why are you running away from them. At least say what are we helping you with!" His eyes darkened, making the expression on his face scary but it wasn't like it had any effect on me. He wasn't Taeyong and he couldn't make me scared like Taeyong could.
At this point I missed even Taeyong's scary side. The way his gaze lowered on me and his eyes dangerously darkened when he was angry. The way his lips would press in a thin line and his steady silent glare that looked like he would pull a gun and shoot any second without hesitation. I would do anything to see any of them even if it was Taeyong glaring at me like that.
I stared at Jimin without blinking, my voice calm yet my expression shooting daggers at him. "And? Your point Jimin?" I raised an eyebrow, taking my hood off. "They will definitely be there and I mustn't meet them! That's all you need to know for now."
"My point is that you can't keep on living like this Soji." He said while his eyes slowly started to get soft as he put a hand on my head. "You have to start living normally, you can't just be going around and gathering money like that's the most important thing in the whole world."
I scoffed under my breath facing away from him. Did he even understand the situation I was in? Gathering money right now was the most important mission I had to accomplish.
I looked ahead mumbling a quiet "Whatever..." before he continued driving in silence. I didn't have the will and energy to argue anymore, so I cut it off. I raised the tone of the music on the radio and I leaned my head on the window, just staring outside as the scenery changed.
• • •
"Okay guys that's it for this meeting." was the first and last thing I heard since I entered the house. A pretty deep and manly voice of the tallest person in the room. His purplish hair standing out amongst the rest of the men surrounding me. Separated with one side styled to the back and the other side of his bangs falling on his forehead.
He stood up from the armchair he was sitting on on the head of the table. His eyes softly gazed over me for a second as he showed me a sweet smile causing two cute dimples to form on his cheeks. His eyes once again scanned the rest of the team one last time and he spoke again. "You can start getting ready for tonight."
What were they talking about on this meeting again?
I sighed, a long and exhausted breath escaping my chapped lips as I pushed my body off of the wall I was leaning on and lazily walked out of the wide living room. BTS' base couldn't be compared to ours when it came to its size. Ours was massive, but this one looked far neater and more expensive. Our budget was huge, but judging by their mare lifestyle these men were on a different level. The luxury they were living in was a completely different story.
Leaving that aside I walked through the wide hall and up the golden staircase towards the room I called mine for weeks already. My heart clenching and unclenching in sudden rushes of pain while my brain was trying to create a scenario wherein I wouldn't be seen or run into any of NCT's members.
Trying not to space out again, considering what to wear to be less recognizable, I heard some jogging footsteps behind me. Two pairs of legs.
I curiously, yet unbothered, turned my head to see who was following me and I greeted them with another short sigh. "What?" I questioned, not in the mood to match the energy of the evil confident smirks decorating their faces. Although older than me, they reminded me of Jisung and Chenle, another nostalgic memory.
"What will you wear?" The younger one asked, walking closer to me. His pitch black wavy hair falling down the side of his face almost lower than his chin. His eyes sparkling in playfulness as he stood tall in front of me.
"I don't know, Jungkook, probably some dress. Why?"
The other one having almost matching hairstyle with the other, but shorter, put his arm around my shoulders and with a big smirk he leaned down placing his lips beside my ear. "Want me to help you Ji?"
The tone of his voice that used to sound good in my ears once, now made me roll my eyes in annoyance, I wasn't in the mood for joking or flirting, I just wanted to get this over with and go back home. It was so easy to understand, yet so hard to explain when I had to keep everything a secret.
I pushed his arm away as I stepped away, tired as I spoke with the last bits of energy I had left for the day. "Taehyung please don't. I can't deal with you two now."
My feet slowly dragged me to the room I was given and I locked the door after me. I pulled the black hoodie off of me and threw it on the bed, doing the same with the jeans afterwards. I tied my hair in a high bun with two moves, grabbed a towel and walked inside the bathroom for a steaming hot shower to ease my muscles a little. My body needed to relax and get some sleep after nights of staying up on water and pills to ease my headaches.
A shaky sigh escaped through my lips, the thoughts that I've been having for the last month or even more slapped me like a bitch in the face again. It was always like that. Whenever I just had my hopes a little bit higher something would happen and hit me like a truck reminding me that there isn't any happiness for me in this world. I should've known something was going to go downhill when I started smiling genuinely.
Groaning, I turned the water off. It wasn't of any help. It didn't calm my thoughts down, instead it had the opposite effect making me more anxious and uncomfortable with this whole situation. I wrapped the towel around my body and walked to the wardrobe get ready for what seemed to be the first party ever that I didn't want to attend.
• • •
The black fancy limousine I was in was filled with chatter. The guys all seemed to be in a good mood, at least the four of them I was with. The two oldest and Taehyung were all travelling separately with their girlfriends.
With my hands resting on top of the black small bag on my lap, I sat motionless staring outside the window. The weather was as gloomy as me. The heavy clouds seemed like they'd start pouring rain any second, hopefully the party was taking place inside.
The men around me kept cracking jokes and laughing, though I didn't pay attention to what they were talking about. Sitting next to me, Jimin tried to make me feel better, trying to talk to me allthough I wasn't interested and he obviously wasn't helping.
The pressure I felt knowing that I was being followed and it could happen someone of the gang to see me and talk to me, was killing me. Stressing me out more than I could take. My heart was beating uncontrollably hard in my chest, there was water on top of the black leather bag my arms were on top of, sweating, and I didn't need a mirror to tell me how pale I looked under the make up covering my face.
"Gentleman, we've arrived!!" The driver's voice startled me from the front seat, making my heart come to a stop for a second as I realized we were actually there and I couldn't be any closer to the possibility of killing my whole family.
One by one the men around me were all leaving the car until it was only me and Jimin left inside. With that soft worrisome gaze on me like I was the most important thing in the world, like I mattered.
I took a deep breath, preparing myself to start acting carefree and I finally locked my eyes with his. "Yo..?" Licking my upper lip I forcefully raised the sides of my mouth in a smile. "Is this good enough?" My voice came out low, not matching my smiling expression at all, even I was surprised from how tired I sounded.
He just stared right back at me with his black orbs. They looked so pure and soft, yet sad for me, that if I didn't have make-up on I would have probably started crying and wouldn't be able to stop myself.
His hand brushed a strand of curled hair away from my forehead gently, his fingers barely even touched my face. And he finally smiled warmly, making me feel even worse for some reason. The fact that he felt awful for me made me feel even worse for myself. I felt weak and I hate being weak.
My eyes stayed on his, my forced smile falling already. I didn't have the strength to hold it on anymore. At least I was happy to have someone I didn't have to act in front of.
"You don't have to force it... I'll try to make you smile for real.." I gulped. The way he said it, confident yet so soft you would actually melt from it. My heart skipped a beat and so I looked down at my lap. He reminded me of a certain blue eyed guy I didn't get to make up with before I left. Damn I didn't even remember our last normal conversation. But I missed him, even when he'd be mad at me or rude to me. I knew I mustn't, but I hoped that he'd be at the party, I hoped to at least see him from afar. I stalked the high schoolers, but I haven't seen him at all in the past month.
"Let's go.. the others are waiting." Jimin got my attention. I didn't even notice when he had gotten out of the limousine. His hand spread in front of me to help me get out. I nodded my head fast before taking one last deep breath and stepping out of the car with my hand in Jimin's.
Although black, the satin material of my dress was shining as I stepped out under the spotlights above the long red carpet leading towards the huge yacht on the coast. The chilly breeze that hit me as I stepped out made me glad I randomly ended up choosing a long-sleeved dress. Though it had a deep V-neck and it's slit made my left leg chilly as I walked, the gown was long and protected me from the cold at least a little.
I fixed the necklace with a black moon that rested on my exposed chest that paired with my black long earrings and kept walking down the path with my arm under Jimin's after the rest of BTS.
I looked around me as my black high heels clicked forward, people were arriving in groups or couples, everyone walking the same path towards the giant luxurious yacht with a wide enlightened entrance and diamond chandeliers.
I closed my eyes for a mere second to gather some strenght to force a smirk upon my face and totally change the emotionless but pained expression I had on for the cameras I should have avoided for a few reasons. Most important being: not to be discovered by NCT.
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To be continued. . .