Fred POV
I had never seen such agony. I have never witnessed such relentless torment swimming in the depth of someone's eyes. I have never seen such pain sketched into the contortions of someone's achingly hollow face.
Of course this face would have been easier to view had the mirror not been shattered, missing fragments of shining reflection lost in the sink, or on the floor. But despite this inconvenience, my reflection was clear enough to see that I could note one very important factor.
I had no idea who was looking back at me.
I don't think I had recognised that boy for a long time. Except, of course, when I was with Ardelle, because that girl pulled me from a darkness I wasn't even sure how I wound up in. She tore my life apart and pieced it back together so seamlessly that you would have never known it was broken.
But now, those seams are showing, the delicate threads she wound around the things I possessed no knowledge on how to handle have snapped, or rather I snapped them, and these gaping holes are invading their way into each element of my life, it becoming only a matter of time before Ardelle is consumed by them also.
And I know that damage, I felt that damage, and I refuse to let Ardelle become victim to my mistakes.
Maybe letting her go, and, in turn, tearing myself apart, was the only way to ensure her pieces stayed together. Breaking myself to keep her whole, in a tragic hero kind of way I suppose. A villain masking empath.
But I was the villain, wasn't I? In this story of our lives. Boy meets girl, boy gains girl's trust after she makes it clear she is scared to let him in, boy and girl fall in love, boy leaves, girl is broken.
I did that. I wrote that story, or altered it to be more precise, because it wasn't always heading the way it happened to end, but my mistakes modified what should have been a love story, but instead is quite the opposite. It was still a love story I suppose, just not one that ends with a big spring wedding and a happily ever after.
"Not every single moment will come with an H.E.A" (happily ever after) Hermione once told me. She'd always been great at coaching me through the hard shit, she never make a fuss of how much she helped, knowing full well how it would wind Ron up to see her spending copious amounts of time with me, but nonetheless I owe a lot to Miss Granger, and I was daft to think that this time would differ.
"Can I come in?" Her melodic and gentle tone whispered in the crack of the door to my dormitory, where I was laying flat on my back, sprawled across the floor, as I absentmindedly threw a ball of screwed up parchment in the air, just to catch it and then repeat the action over again.
"Only if you have chocolate" I only half joked, still my eyes fixated on the makeshift ball I threw into the air again.
"It's your lucky day Weasley" Hermione chuckled sweetly, tossing me a chocolate frog and catching my unawares when a purple box landed in my outstretched palm as opposed to the ball of parchment.
I remained silent, sitting myself up and leaning back against the edge of my bed, pulling my knees to my chest and unwrapping the chocolate, slipping the card into my bedside drawer for Ron.
"Why are you not in Defence against the Dark Arts with George?" Hermione asked, coming to sit beside me, mirroring my position as she pulled her own legs up, purposefully knocking her knee with mine.
"I'm being expelled in a week, only a damned fool would still show up to classes" I explained with a scoff, running my hand through my disheveled hair and down my face, biting into the chocolate Hermione had given me.
"And so George is...?" Hermione asked, glancing around the empty room whilst reaching for the chocolate frog and taking a bite of her own.
"A damned fool" I chuckled weakly, snatching back the chocolate with a playful yet pointed raise of my brow, "He just wants to spend as much time with Oliver as possible until we leave"
"Understandable," Hermione observed with a quaint nod, suddenly reaching for my hand and attempting to pull me to my feet.
"What do you think you are doing?" I laughed at Hermione's pathetic attempt to prove her strength, her mighty pulls barely enough to even jolt my arm.
"We are going outside, you need air, you've been in here for god only knows how long, I might not be able to help you shower," Her cheeks burnt red when she registered her own words but let the moment fall, "But I can certainly remind you what sunlight is"
I was hesitant, desperately trying to conceal the feelings running riot in my mind, but Hermione saw through me, like she often did, as though the thoughts I was working desperately to suppress might as well have fallen out of my mouth.
"She's not here Fred" Hermione sighed as though she had read my mind, smiling down at me as she had gotten herself to her feet.
"Sorry? I don't know what you mean" I lied, hesitantly following Hermione's movements.
I wasn't sure why I was avoiding Ardelle, I didn't want to be, I didn't even know if she had noticed, but if the seven unanswered letters piling on my desk was anything to go by, I'd say she noticed, but she was relentless, I loved that about her.
"That locket around your neck tells me something different" Hermione grinned with a slightly bitter chuckle.
I secured Ardelle's lockets around my neck fairly soon after retrieving it, I told myself it was for safe keeping, but truthfully I just needed a part of her, I need something to tell me she was here, with me, and the locket never really came off, even after she woke up. Perhaps I still need that little piece of her because it was evident at this point I had pushed the real thing away.
"She isn't here" Hermione continued, "She hasn't been since you refused to come out of your room last week" Hermione scoffed, leading us back towards the door, "She's worried about you, you know?"
"I know" I whispered beneath my breath, dropping my heading in my hands to block out the consequences of reality for a fleeting moment.
"DO YOU?" And suddenly Hermione's voice was shrill and bitter, loud and demeaning, a tone that I had only been on the receiving end of a select few times, a tone that straightened my posture and set my teeth on edge, a tone that told you a storm was coming.
"She was so lost" Hermione jabbed my shoulder as she spoke, "It was our job to fix her" Another jab. "Not tear her apart again!" And another, "What the fuck do you think you're doing Fred Weasley? Hiding away up here like a coward, I know you're hurting Fred, trust me I do, but go and fix this before you lose that girl in more ways than one"
Tears were spilling down my cheeks, but I was past caring, I fought against my quickening breath as I refused to pull my gaze from Hermione's, her golden eyes swimming with concern that was drowning in disappointment.
"I don't want to break her Hermione" I sobbed quietly as she pulled herself into my chest, the top of her head barely even grazing my collar bone, "And I think the longer I hold onto her, to more I am damaging her"
"I can't tell you how to live your life Fred and I can't tell you who to be, only you can decide those things. But I know that you have not broken Ardelle. Fred, you are the reason she is whole" Hermione whispered into my chest, the hum of her voice a gentle reminder that I was safe in that moment.
"She only ends up hurt around me, I'm destructive, and I can't keep watching her get hurt because of my shit decisions" My voice burned and the words stung as they escaped me. "I don't want to lose her'' I breathed "But I think I know now, that she isn't mine to keep"
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were" Hermione muttered with a soothing console. And she was right, as she often was.
*****
I had never seen a door so demeaning, so belittling and condescending. The detailing of the painted wood, the brass knocker in the shape of a lion, the shining numbers screwed just above. Each detail was there to mock me, and I couldn't escape the sickening fear of what lay beyond the door as I reached up to knock it. Even the slight crack as it crept open enough to set my teeth on edge.
"Fred? George? Sorry kid, I haven't quite grasped it yet" Sirius chuckled as he welcomed me into the doorway, although I awkwardly remained lingering on the doorstep.
"It's Fred, Sir"
And suddenly Sirius's demeanour grew. He straightened his back and cleared his throat, jutting out his chin and puffing his chest, folding his arms across them, as though his stance of 5 foot 10 was a match for my 6 foot 3, like somehow now he knew I was Ardelle's boyfriend, it was as if he had to express some sort dominance.
"Could I speak to Ardelle, Sir?" I asked with a slight hiccup, the connors of my mouth threatening to turn up slightly when I thought about telling this to Ardelle, except they dropped immediately upon the remembrance of why I was here.
"Why?!" He exclaimed bitterly, my heart racing and my hands unnervingly sweaty, but soon Sirius chuckled, dropping his arms and lowering his chest, clapping my shoulder warmly in a way that brought me comfort not even my own father could bring, "Yeah of course son, I'm only kidding with you"
I smiled weakly at his attempt at a joke, straining my eyes slightly to fight the pounding headache seeping into the cavities of my brain. My chest ignited with an aching discomfort, guilt overpowering my senses as I wished Sirius's kindness would project itself elsewhere, preferably to someone that he likely wasn't going to hate in a very short amount of time.
"I'll go and grab her now" Sirius grinned, disappearing without another word, just a gentle smile and a lingering sense of pride, like perhaps maybe he was proud that Ardelle was his to go and get, a feeling my own parents had failed to ever express around the likes of anyone who wasn't Charlie or Percy.
Seconds later Remus appeared in the doorway, almost by mistake, he walked by with an empty cup of tea in one hand, the other mercilessly rubbing at his tired eyes, the weak moonlight that spilled into the hallway enough to pull his attention to the open door.
"Hey Fred, everything okay?" He asked warmly, the guilty in my stomach now burning, the only thought spilling through my mind being 'Can everyone please stop being so nice to me'
"Yes Professor. Sirius has just gone to get Ardelle" I whispered, my hands stuffed into my jean pockets as I bounced weakly on the balls of my feet.
"Okay Fred no worry" Remus hummed, draining the last of his mug, begging to slip away before adding, "Oh and no need to call me Professor anymore, Remus is fine"
I nodded curtly, my lip trembling, my eyes glassy, and I had to bring my hand to my cheek for a subtle and quick moment to ensure tears had not started falling prematurely unbeknown to me, but my hollow skin was dry.
"Freddie!" A sudden voice exclaimed, and before I knew it Ardelle's arms were secured around my torso and her head was pressed tightly against my chest, the smell of apricot and something citrus lingering in the tops of her slightly damp, freshly washed hair.
She didn't have any makeup on, her skin as radiant as always, and her hair was doing that gorgeous thing where it went all curly when it would first start to dry. It was evident the jumper she had, draping itself over her frame, was not her own but rather the rock band adorning the front told me exactly whose it was.
Her joggers were worn around the ankles and knees and the fluffy socks Ginny had gifted her for Christmas now had a hole where her big toe was. Her blue nail varnish was chipped around the edges, and her dainty fingers were littered with a few crystal rings I can only imagine were gifted by Luna. I loved her like this. I loved her always, but this Ardelle, this one was my favourite.
"Hey you" I whispered into her hair as I smoothed it down, my chin automatically finding the top of her head and my other hand quickly grabbing the small of her back, "Want to go for a walk?"
"Yeah sure" She murmured excitedly, the sound of her voice muffled in my chest, "Let me just grab some shoes.
And soon she slipped on some heavy boots that concealed her fluffy socks completely, the ice skating penguins buried beneath, and with a warming smile and a goodbye to her dads, she led me out the door.
We walked for a few moments, her hand laced within mine, her thumb tracing circles into the top of my hand as she subconsciously matched her steps with my own. I wasn't accustomed to the streets of muggle London, but Ardelle seemed to know where she was going as she led us to a pair of large green gates that opened out into a park.
"Sit" She grinned as we approached a bench, painted similarly to the green on the gates, except the paint was wearing away in places around the bench, bronzy rust seeping through the surface. That gate however, had been freshly painted, new openings, new beginnings, I guess.
"Can we talk?" I asked with reluctance, patting the locket under my jumper but refusing to reach for it.
Her eyes flashed with worry before she gave me a warm smile and a gentle nod, taking my hand in hers and placing them both into her lap.
"Can you promise me something?" I asked with an evident tremor in my tone, my voice dry and raw as the words scraped out.
"Anything" She whispered, or maybe it wasn't a whisper, but my brain was so clouded that it perceived it as such. And just as she spoke, a loud clap of deafening thunder boomed through the air, 'how fitting' I remember thinking, a gentle drizzle had started to fall that was rapidly picking up into a full blown storm.
Neither of us seemed to care.
"I need you to promise that if you love me, you'll let me get through this entire thing, because I guarantee once I'm finished, you are not going to love me anymore" I choked out, raising my tone so I was audible over the violent rain.
Ardelle paused for a moment, studying my face, her eyes trailing my features, drops of rain had gathered in her lashes and eyebrows and were streaming over her rosey flushed cheeks. Her lips had begun to tremble from the cold and turned a vibrant scarlet.
"I promise" She whispered, and this time it really was a whisper as her grip on my hands loosened.
"I love you Ardelle, so much. You turned my life upside down in the best way possible, it was unexpected and scary, but the best things often are and I am so grateful for the person you have taught me to be, but that person has started fading for view" I paused for a moment, gathering what I actually wanted to say, "I think I need to find him again, on my own"
I took a deep lingering breath, my exhale visible in the air, the cold winds suffocating my lungs as I felt the beginnings of icy tears prick my eyes, before continuing, "I am so lost, that much is evident, and I am falling into this whole, this whole that I don't know I am going to be able to escape, and I can't risk dragging you down with me, I won't do that to you.
One of the first nights I met you, that night we sat under the stars, you said to me 'If you're alone, then there's no one to damage. There's no one to break, because you're so destructive that you seem to shatter even the purest people' And that's how I feel around you, I can't break you Ari, I won't"
I was crying now. Understatement, I was sobbing, my breath was drawing out in broken pants and whimpers and my body was trembling, 'from the cold' I told myself.
"I don't understand" She finally whimpered, her hands now completely having removed their grip on my and her knees no longer resting against my own, "Please don't push me away Freddie"
"I'm not pushing you away, I am trying to protect you!" I exclaimed, my voice creeping up over the thunder.
"I don't need protecting!" She snapped bitterly, choking on tears, "My entire life it's been let's wrap Ardelle in bubble wrap and hold her hand until it's numb. You never did that with me, you saw me for everything I was and it was always enough, why isn't it enough anymore?"
"It is enough. It's me, I'm the one who isn't enough-"
"You promised" She sobbed, "You promised you'd always see me, 'even in the darkest of times' and all that bullshit!"
"I can't do this Ardelle," I went to stand but my legs had other plans as I remained glued to the bench, "You'll thank me I promise. You are going to change the world one day and I can't be trailing you around, holding you back and expecting you to be accountable for my mistakes"
My heart was bleeding. I could practically feel it spilling into my chest, except it wasn't warm, it was ice and bitter and it burnt all at once. I had never felt agony like this. Never.
"You promised you'd never leave" She sobbed, her cries so sickening, they tore through me with each passing sound, "I need you"
"You Ardelle, have never needed anyone, I promise you that, and one day, our paths will cross again, and maybe we will be ready that time, but right now, I can't hold you back" My voice was hoarse and dry, I could barely even recognise it as my own.
Ardelle stood up, her legs trembling and her chest heaving, she ran her blue and nimble fingers through her rain soaked hair, I'm sure the smell of apricot had long gone by now, and she began to walk away, "Goodbye Fred Weasley"
"Go and change the world Ardelle Lupin-Black"