Chapter 30
Much to the relief of my wardrobe woes — Fang texts me he's sending me a guy named Teddie to help me pick out my dress. Fang is avoiding the paparazzi right now, but he'll pick me up before the party next Thursday. I meet up with Teddie on Saturday morning. Lana comes with me because my mom doesn't want me meeting up with a strange man alone, even if Teddie is a reputable high-end, luxury personal shopper who has been featured in Caixin Global Magazine. Of course, I don't tell her about Teddie because doing that would mean telling my mom that I'm dating Fang Yao and the internet is trying to kill me.
If my mother knew the full extent of what was going on here, she would insist I go home immediately. Luckily, Lana doesn't care that I don't want her telling her mom (or my mom) about Teddy. From the moment I met her, she exuded the impression of being a girl with secrets of her own.
Lana and I take a cab over to the showroom. She looks bored and picks at her nail beds. By not, I've noticed that she's never really alive until Zhang is in the room with her. I feel guilty about the kiss I shared with her boyfriend even though it meant nothing.
We make polite small talk about the sweltering summer weather. The moment I meet up with Teddie in front of a luxurious showroom on Nanjing Lu, I feel at ease.
Teddie looks nothing like the intimidating vision I had imagined after reading his interview about Eastern style. For one thing, he's wearing a Louis Vuitton Bandeau as a hairband. He's also sweating profusely in the heat despite his casual dress. He's wearing a tank top that showed off his proud man-boobs.
It makes me instantly less terrified about showing up to try his haute couture with a layer of sweat all over. I had showered before I left my apartment, but the late July heat in Shanghai shows no mercy. Teddie makes me feel further at ease when he greets me in English. Of course, he gets many clients from overseas. Speaking a client's preferred language is his job.
I feel embarrassed that I need him to do such a thing, but he tells me it's no big deal. This shopping experience is all about me and my vision of what I want to wear to the gala. I gulp. My vision? In my mind's eye, I see a vision of the cheapest sequined tank top at Forever 21. I wonder what Teddie would say if he knew.
Before we head to the showroom, Lana excuses herself. She agreed to meet up with Zhang today for dinner, and it turns out he's showing up early. "It's okay if my boyfriend joins us, right?" Lana asks. I nod.
I go into the building with Teddie while Lana waits. Despite looking like an office building from the outside, inside, it is bright and airy like a Parisian Atelier. There are orchids and black reflective countertops. In the air, there is the faintest smell of jasmine.
Teddie leads me to a spotless, lambskin, white leather couch and offers me a binder of pictures.
"Many of these pieces are very delicate, and some of them are made to order," Teddie explains. "Since you need a dress by Thursday, we might have to settle for a dress that we already have in our storage area. In the future, we can have your gowns custom made."
I want to snort. There is no future to speak of. I'm not cut out for this, not even if I am dating Fang Yao. I thought he was going to take me shopping at the Chinese equivalent of Neiman Marcus. I nod politely as Teddie shows me the first entry in the binder. It's a dress by Chanel, which features real flowers preserved and sewn into the silk fabric. Of course, that is a dress that is so fragile it can be worn only once. Cinderella's ball gown probably had more longevity.
Yeah, that's a dress that costs more than my entire college tuition. I nod and sip on the sparkling water Teddie's assistants bring me like I do this all the time. I'm so nervous I don't even have time to ask for my water without ice cubes. My mom always told me never to drink anything with ice cubes in Shanghai if I don't want to be sick for a week. It's okay. At this rate, I need to train my immune system to fight harder if there are fangirls looking to cough on me to give me the flu around every corner.
"It's hard to imagine just by looking at pictures," Teddie says as my eyes start to glaze over. He claps his hands together and heads to the nearest door. "Let me go bring you some dresses to try. You said your favorite color is pink, right?"
"No, black," I reply immediately. Yes, in New York, we wear black.
"You can't wear black," Teddie says with a sigh. "You're such a pretty young girl. You should experiment with colors."
"How about grey or beige?"
Teddie sighs and holds his hand up to his forehead like he's about to faint. "You are going to a party, not to an undertaker's convention. You just leave things up to Teddie Shīfù."
As Teddie goes off to gather his colorful array of overpriced clothing for my unworthy body to sweat into, I desperately fan myself off with the binder as soon as Teddie steps out of view. The air conditioning in this showroom is strong, much stronger than most of the department stores on Nanjing Lu, but my sweat glands refuse to back down. Lana and Zhang appear as I'm awkwardly fanning off my underarms.
"This is a fancy-looking place," Zhang remarks as he and Lana take seats next to me. "Who is this new boyfriend of yours?"
Oh, Zhang, of course, he doesn't keep up with the gossip rags. Lana chuckles at his cluelessness like it's adorable.
"I'm not going to tell you," Lana teases and pokes Zhang in the nose. "Or you might be jealous."
"Not boyfriend," I whisper and cough into my hand as referring to Fang by that word is making my knees weak with anxiety. "I'm going back home soon. This is just a going away party."
"You're leaving this place in style," Zhang teases. "Well, New York, we always knew you weren't going to be with us for long. Did you find anything here in our city worth coming back to?"
Well, I thought, as I chewed on my cheek to keep myself from retorting with a catty reply. At the very least, I know that the boy I left behind is a jerk. I don't know what I was expecting when I thought about getting back in touch with someone I only knew as a little kid. Maybe, I just wanted a bit of empathy, a bit of destiny, maybe a little bit of meaning to all this.
But no, the reality is that there is no such thing. I was an idiot to believe the fairy tales. Perhaps, I never stopped believing that the boy I left behind understood me in some secret way, in a way that I could only find here. This is a place where I'm not a minority, a perpetual foreigner, an exotic sex object, or, as Calvin liked to put it — a quota. But fairy tales are called such for a reason, and now I see it is time to let go of my hazy, nostalgic dreams of that house on Huahai Lu and embrace the future.
Speaking of fairy tales, Teddie brings out a rack of the most ridiculously complicated dresses ever imagined into physical form. These gowns are all so over-the-top, even a Disney Princess gown would look plain in comparison. A yellow and gold dress catches my eye amidst the Dior, Chanel, Balmain, Marchesa, and Oscar de la Renta.
I run my fingers over the imperial yellow gown decorated with embroidered peonies and lotuses like it had come straight out of a Qing Dynasty court. On the bodice, there is a magnificent pearl-encrusted Pheonix.
"Who designed this?"
"Guo Pei," Teddie proudly announces. "I didn't expect you to pick this one. It is my favorite too."
"I'll take this one. It's perfect."
"Setting up the fitting room right away," Teddie announces and sashays the dress over to one of the sleek unmarked white doors.
"Can she squeeze herself into that?" Zhang whispers to Lana even though I'm in hearing range. I guess he still assumes I don't understand when he speaks in anything other than English. "She's going to be bursting at the seams."
"Stop it!" Lana shouts and puts her hand over her mouth to suppress a giggle. "That's unkind."
"You'll look much better in that dress. That's all I'm saying."
"You're right. Maybe she should have picked one of the French designers with more generous allowances around the hips."
"You'll do fine," Teddie assures me inside the dressing room. "Even if you don't, our tailors will work night and day to make it perfect. Don't you worry, měi rén."
I'm not self-conscious about my weight. I've come from a city where having hips and breasts is celebrated, but at the same time, I'm annoyed at Zhang and Lana's whispering to each other while suppressing giggles like two conniving foxes. It's like they share a secret, an understanding, that I'll never be able to take part in. That's what hurts most of all that I'll be seen as different.
There's nothing left for me here, only the memories I took with me when I left for America. I finally understood that as I pull the yellow Guo Pei dress over my head, and it fits me perfectly.
There's no one left here waiting for me to come home. There's no one that I came back here to find. The home country that I remember is an entity I carry inside of me, and now it's one I wear proudly on my body, even if others think it no longer fits me.