chapter four
boys, boys, boys
🖤
RUBY STEPS BACK WHEN WILL'S mom shows up; she checks on the other kids, who have since appeared to try and help. She tries to transport herself into the upside down, but something's keeping her out. She doesn't understand that; when the fuck has that ever happened? She can always do it, but if somethings keeping her out...
She remembers the tentacles she saw last night. A shiver runs through her body. She doesn't know if that's got anything to do with this, but as she connects the two new things together (the tentacles and not being able to transport) she decides they must be linked.
"We need to find a way to bring him back," says Ruby, to Joyce. "Maybe if you keep talking — maybe your voice will draw him back."
That's exactly what Joyce does. Sometimes Ruby forgets how... dramatic mothers can be, and Joyce's show of love takes Ruby aback.
Ruby doesn't remember her mom. All she knows is that she's growing into the spitting image, and it freaks her dad out. The one time a year she sees him, anyway. He's trying to make more effort now... But just because everyone else's worlds turned upside down last year, doesn't mean Ruby's did, doesn't mean her dad has any more interest in her... This has always been her world.
"I just found him like this," says Mike, in a panic. "Do you think it's another episode?"
Ruby doesn't reply, because her only response is what else would it be, stupid? And she knows she shouldn't be a bitch to children. It's not their fault they're stupid. They've only got half a brain.
Will's still shaking though, his eyes closed shut. Ruby frowns, and the more she concentrates on Will, the more an uneasy feeling takes over her. Her palms start feeling sweaty, and although she's in an open field she feels claustrophobic. Like something is surrounding her — surrounding Will, and she's in the crossfire — and starting to close in. Everything feels awful. Her body feels like it's slowly catching on fire, and her mind thinks back to those tentacles. She doesn't know why... are they what's near?
And like that, Will opens his eyes.
After that, Ruby stands around awkwardly, fixing her hair because there's nothing else for her to do. She wants to leave, but she feels like that's rude. She watches the boys run over to make sure Will's okay, and Ruby thinks that she'd never get that treatment, so she now feels a little shitty. She isn't jealous, God no, she just... It would be nice, if there was someone there for her, to comfort her like Will's friends do. Hell, even like how they did with Eleven last year. Ruby only had Harrington... and that's dead in the water, so.
"Thank you, Ruby," says Joyce, walking towards her.
Ruby shrugs her shoulders. "It's nothing."
"I know it isn't for you," says Joyce. She smiles sympathetically. "But we still don't understand all of this, and for you to help out... It means a lot to us."
Ruby doesn't know why that hits her. It's a nice thing to hear, but still. She doesn't think anyone's ever acknowledged it like that; the way it should be acknowledged, to be fair. And hearing it out-loud, especially from a actual adult like Joyce... It's nice.
She has to look away, blinking quickly. The wind is just... windy, that's why her eyes feel watery. "This isn't my life," says Ruby, crossing her arms to keep Joyce out. "I just... feel obligated to help kids like Will."
"I understand that," says Joyce, nicely. She's such a nice mom. Ruby wonders if her mom would've been like Joyce, all smart and understanding and knowing what to say at the right time. She hopes so. "It's still good of you."
Ruby forces a smile. Not because she doesn't like hearing this, but because she feels like she might cry and there is no way she's breaking down in front of little kids. How pathetic would that be? Ruby's all fire and ice, she can't just start crying!
"I, uh, do you mind if I go?" says Ruby, to Joyce, who nods and thanks her again. Ruby awkwardly says goodbye to the boys, and to the redhead girl they're hanging out with. The girl gives her an odd look, which is weird, because Ruby's never seen her before in her life.
It does make Ruby wonder, though, why her first thought was El. She presumes she's just hoping that one day she'll show up again, and that's why her mind went straight to El. Or maybe... Maybe it does mean something...
Ruby isn't sure, but she drives straight home, a plan set in motion. She starts running the bath, grabbing the special bath salts from underneath the sink. She doesn't always need water, nor does she need the smell, but they speed up the process. The smell of mint and lemon, for some reason, triggers her memories of the lab. She figures it's because they smell clinical together; last summer, she poured the two different mixtures into a jar, to make the perfect scent. Hawkins Laboratory Eau de Parfum.
She tried to do this once in the pool, too, but she almost drowned... So the bath'll do. As long as she feels enclosed enough by water, it works.
She grabs the scarf from her bedroom, and ties her hair up, getting herself ready. She slips her clothes off, and ties her satin dressing gown around her waist, waiting for the bath to fill up. If the smell wasn't so off-putting, this would be relaxing. Ruby hates the lab, but this part, this ability to look into people's lives? She loves it. It makes her feel so at ease, being able to leave this world and enter someone else's.
So she gets into the bath, and ties the scarf around her eyes. She lets herself sink deeper into the bath, so her head's resting against one end, and takes a deep breath. In, out. In, out. She keeps her eyes closed, even though she can't see anything anyway, letting herself drift out of this world...
... And into the next.
In the real world, her dressing gown is wet, but here, she's bone dry. She can't call the space she's in a black room, because it isn't just that; the whole reality is black because there's nothing here. Nothing's here except for her, and who she wants to see.
She thinks about Eleven, and how she wants to see her. She keeps the image clear in her mind; she thinks about nothing but Eleven, nothing but Eleven and how she hasn't been seen all year. Let me see where she is. Ruby prays she can find her, because maybe if she's lost, Ruby can find her and bring her back...
Let me see her.
She keeps her breathing still. In the nothingness, Ruby's eyes are narrowed. This place doesn't frighten her; much like the upside down, and the real world, this world will bend to her will. She's Subject X; the world revolves around her, and it will act accordingly.
Let me see Eleven.
Let me see Eleven.
Let me see—
Finally, a figure appears in front of her. Ruby runs towards it, praying to God this has all worked. She reaches it, but as she gets nearer, she realises the figure is taller than her, there's no way it's Eleven. She starts to make out the clothes, and the hair, and the way they're standing...
And she's looking at Harrington.
"Are you kidding?" says Ruby, out-loud.
Why the fuck is this what her mind brought her to? He doesn't even like her anymore, why is she being drawn to him? She ruined all chances of them ever being friends, he doesn't like her, he made that clear last night by calling her Brenner. Why is he the thing her mind thinks she should be seeing?
He's talking out-loud to himself, and it sounds like an apology to Nancy. Ruby rolls her eyes. How pathetic is that? Last year was bad enough, how he only made up with her because Ruby rejected him. And now this? Doing the exact same thing, all because Ruby refuses to date him? That's so pathetic—
"Ruby!"
Ruby jumps. The voice isn't coming from the nothing world, but rather, back in the present. She blinks, and like that, she's back in the bathtub, feeling soggy and pissed-off.
The doorbell goes again. She jumps out of the bath, the smell of lemony mint stuck to her. Normally she'd shower, but in this situation, she doesn't have the time. She peels off the dressing gown and puts a fresh one on, before running down the stairs.
It's Jonathan at the door. Ruby frowns.
"Oh, hey..." she says.
"I just wanted to say thanks for earlier," he tells her. "I know we haven't spoken in a while, but..."
Context: they only really became friends last year. Ruby knew of him, especially since he helped with the photos for the newspaper, but they were never friends. She thought he was weird. But when Will went missing, and the monster showed up right after Barb disappeared, Ruby figured it was the lab's doing. So she started helping Jonathan out, which made her friends think they were fucking in his car... (Which, by the way, considering who her dad is — could you imagine how angry he'd be, catching that? Ruby wouldn't dream of such a thing for that reason alone, let alone with Jonathan.)
If anything, Ruby sees Jonathan as a younger, nerdier brother. A brother who she can't speak to because her friends will rehash the old rumours... Anyway.
"I really didn't do anything," says Ruby, which she believes.
"Well... My mom really appreciated it anyway," says Jonathan, with a shrug. He smiles softly. "You know, those kids think you're the coolest. Like a sci-fi hero in their comics."
Ruby cracks a smile. "What, save the blue skin?"
He laughs, and nods. "How, uh, have you been?"
Part of Ruby thinks to answer him honestly. She knows he won't tell anyone, and that he'll get it. Last year they talked all about this stuff; how she wasn't keen on her friends, but how she needed to keep them. After a while, she told him and Nancy why, too. She doesn't know why she felt so safe, telling him and Nancy stuff... She thinks it's because they've already had to keep such secrets, what's the harm in one more? But the nasty part of her brain thinks, yeah, like anyone would listen to him anyway. She can be such a bitch sometimes, she thinks.
"Uh—"
And then someone coughs from behind Jonathan.
Ruby jumps, and if she wasn't leaning against the door it would've slammed shut. Jonathan steps to the side, revealing Billy, looking at him suspiciously.
"Who are you?" says Billy.
"I gave Ruby a ride home," says Jonathan, but Billy turns to look at the driveway. Ruby's car is clearly there, and she begins to think, shit. She focuses as quickly as possible, imagining the driveway clear, her car gone.
Her nose starts to bleed, so it's worked.
"I see," says Billy.
Jonathan looks back at Ruby, but when he sees her wiping her nose, he realises.
"I'll, uh, see you around," says Jonathan, and walks past Billy.
Ruby crosses her arms, as Billy walks up to her. He frowns at her.
"Who... was that, then?"
"Jonathan," she says. "He works on the newspaper."
"Jonathan?" says Billy, and he sounds as if he recognises the name. Ruby thinks, fuck. Tommy must've told Billy about last year. "As in Byers?"
Shit.
"Yeah," says Ruby. She'll stand her ground on this one. She did nothing wrong. He only came over to thank her for helping his brother. "I found his brother having a panic attack earlier. He wanted to say thanks for helping out."
Billy looks unconvinced. "I heard—"
"You heard wrong," she says, quickly.
"I guess..." says Billy, but she can tell the conversation isn't over. She doesn't like this. Can't she have male friends without him getting weird? Isn't this, like, kind-of unhealthy? "Tommy did say Harrington started the man-hunt against him."
"Steve was protective," says Ruby, quietly.
"I see," says Billy, and he scoffs.
Ruby frowns. "What?"
"Do you not see it?" says Billy. "He's obsessed with you!"
"And you're obsessed with him!" says Ruby, glaring back at him. "Can't you drop this? I don't even talk to him anymore, I don't know why—" She stops talking. There's a reason why he should be jealous. She kissed Harrington last night. And as shitty a person she may be, as dismissive she is of other people's feelings for her gain, she knows it's wrong to make Billy feel wrong. "I'd like it if you'd leave."
Billy gives her a nasty look. "Fine."
He saunters out, like he always does, and she makes her mind close the door. She sinks into the sofa, her head in her hands. What is she doing? She needs to escape all of this. She wishes she could dump Billy. She wishes she could stop caring about popularity. She wishes she could pack her bags, right now, and leave for New York. Because none of this is working for her. She's so sick of this town. She's always fighting something she hates, she's never happy, she's never even content with her surroundings. Everything is shit because she can't let go of something arbitrary, something that'll be worthless come summer anyway...
But she can't. Her mind can't let go. She knows she should, but she's still got a grip on this dream. The dream of Snowflake Queen, of Spring Fling Queen. The dream of being so normal, Hawkins Lab is practically blurred from her mind.
But that'll never happen, will it? She'll always be stuck. She'll always have a tie to the lab. As long as she's a Brenner, as long as she's got the X branding, that's all she'll ever be. Hawkins Lab's perfect human, designed to protect the upside down.
So perfectly imperfect.