Johnsynne Brooklyn
I sat at my house, answering all of the questions the lady asked me. She was fun, and polite, and at times snarky. Whoever had decided to send her had chosen the right person. After receiving my statements about Grandpa and Deyshawn, she let me in on a secret she told me I wasn't supposed to know.
"They're going to ask you if you changed your mind at the hearing, and if you've been coerced into telling a false truth. With this information I have...all of that will be history. Your life will only be moving in one direction," she smiled at me gently. She felt like the mother figure I never had. The father figure that was absent. A loving grandpa, if that even made sense.
We embraced, then the lady left quickly, telling me she had another client to attend to. I went to the living room, kicking off my socks and sighing at the long day I had. I need to make things right with Teddi. She's the only person I have right now, and I don't wanna even think about what could be happening to Deyshawn. He could be in danger or worse- dead.
"I'm about to make dinner. Did you want something?" Auntie asked me, poking her head in.
"No, I'm good. Thanks for asking," I smiled, closing my eyes again. My mind was still on Teddi. She had seemed so cold and unemotional towards me. I couldn't bear seeing her like that again. Too many people in my life have given me the cold shoulder or denied the action of being positive towards me. I wasn't gonna let Teddi slip from my grasps: she was my friend through and through.
I picked up my phone to text her but saw that it was off. And so it begins. All my dependence on Deyshawn is gone, and now I need someone to pay my phone bill. I ignored the stack of homework I should be completing and headed to the kitchen. Auntie was cooking up a storm- something she no longer needed to do for a house of only two people.
"Auntie," I leaned against the counter. "You know anywhere for jobs? My phone's out."
She shook her head, and I thought she meant "no" until she sat down the dish rag. "I don't want you working right now. The case is more important, along with your schoolwork," she told me. "But how am I gonna keep my phone on?" I asked her, dangling my phone from my hands as if that action alone could show her the phone wouldn't work.
"I'll pay for it, but don't be going wild," she mumbled. "Come back in here when I'm done cooking." I nodded and went back into the living room. I cut on the TV and mindlessly watched a cartoon. Cut off from Teddi and the online world, I realized who I was.
I was a lonely, beaten up ass teen in Potluck Homes. I wouldn't doubt someone else was living my same fate not too far from me. That's just the way things were. Doubt made me feel crestfallen. What if they don't find Grandpa guilty? With Deyshawn gone, the one Grandpa mainly used to hurt physically, all the court has are my statements of emotional and verbal abuse. That probably wouldn't land a fly in prison, unfortunately.
And where is my father? Shouldn't he be here by now? Helping his sweet baby girl through hard times. Daddy abandoned us to work overseas, Grandpa hurt us, and Deyshawn fled when shit got too hard for him.
What is that accurate saying?
Niggas ain't shit.
"Johnsynne B!" Auntie called out.
"Yes ma'am?" I answered back, waiting for a moment. I groaned as I had to get up and see what Auntie wanted. "Do you want baked chicken or fried chicken again?" she asked me, throwing something into a sizzling skillet.
"Baked," I shrugged.
I wasn't used to eating so well at home. Most of my lunch was from the school or times when Deyshawn and I would go out and eat. It's not like Grandpa neglected us food or shelter wise, but we were too afraid to be near him. And you know old ass niggas always gotta stay they stale asses in the kitchen.
I went back into the living room and looked at it boredly. I had forgotten what life was like without a phone. I think I might have been more innocent and into books, but besides that, I hardly have any memories of it.
I glanced at the family pictures in the living room, then the boring wallpaper. Nope. I can't do this. I got up from the couch and went to see what Auntie was doing. She was cooking the chicken and some greens.
"Auntie," I called out over the loud noises of the kitchen. "Mhmmm," she responded, stirring up a pot of carrots and peas.
"Can I go over to Teddi's?" I asked.
Aunti glanced out the window. "No. It's too dark," she said. "Ion want them crackheads attacking you or them n- dudes Deyshawn was hanging around wit."
"But they might be able to tell Deyshawn to come back," flew out of my mouth before I could reason with myself. Auntie set one of her cooking utensils down, making a loud clack. She wasn't mad, but she seemed to be trying to find the right words to say.
"Johnsynne Brooklyn. You do realize that...you may never see your brother again, right? That he might be a dead man and you might be attending his funeral one day, your father present or absent ?"
I gulped, tears stinging my eyes. "But he has to come back. He should've learned his lesson by now. And the trial."
"J, there's no telling if he can leave now. He made his decision- a stupid one admittedly, and now he has to deal with the consequences. That's the way of life."
But Grandpa isn't automatically dealing with the consequences! And neither is Hannah! They get to be nasty and conniving while the innocent and good hearted suffer immediately once they do wrong.
I hid my wet face from her and went to the bathroom. I pulled the bag of the random substance out of a drawer Auntie never used. I had decided to stash it there. That way, if Auntie found it in here she'd just think Deyshawn accidentally left it and not know I was holding onto it.
I locked the door and blew out a deep breath, my chest feeling shaky. I opened the bag and stared at it with a vague feeling of deja vu. So what do I do? I don't even know if it's the type of stuff you sniff, or you put in a needle. I don't know a damn thing about drugs. This could be sugar in a bag for all I know- used as a decoy to cheat somebody, that Deyshawn happened to carry. The shit might even melt on your tongue like those packets of Kool Aid that's for water that we used to fake smoke.
My hands shook and I glanced back up at myself in the mirror. My eyes were determined and I had a slight frown. I looked more cool and collected than I felt on the inside. Good, I thought, the voice inside of my head somehow shaky as well.
I pulled the bag up to my nose, feeling somewhat obnoxious and foolish. Didn't they put the stuff on a piece of paper or on the counter, or something? I said fuck it and took in a deep inhale over the bag. I felt like coughing and sneezing all at the same time. The back of my throat turned papery dry and my tongue felt twisted.
I sniffed three more times repeatedly then fell backwards into the tub. The bag's contents spilled all over me and I took in a mouth full. The curtain fell and hit me in the eye. I could hear Auntie slamming something down and heading towards the bathroom. I was blacking out and my body felt numb in some areas but too alive in others.
My hands were shaking and my vision was going blurry. As my eyes closed, it felt like they moved in slow motion. It felt like I was falling from the sky.
Help, my thoughts echoed over and over until I lost consciousness. I could hear a heavy breathing in my ears, staying there as I entered a dream world. I felt murky and wet. I pulled myself out of a pit filled with blood and mud. I could stand now and it was up to my ankles. I saw a stretch of dry, grassy land and I tried to walk through the ankle deep thickness to reach it ahead of me.
I stepped on something hard and looked down by instinct. It was a body. I looked around me, panic clawing up my throat. Bodies. Body parts and asses, and fingers, and heads bobbing in the thick mud. Each step I took made the horizon before me shrink. The background was pitch black and animals howled.
For some reason my head snapped to the right and there was Deyshawn, naked and hairy, howling like an animal. His face warped into Grandpa's, slinging insults at me and throwing body parts from out of the mud at me. None of them were close to reaching me. Deyshawn was standing on dry land, so instead of moving forward, I figured I'd take a shortcut.
My body felt ten pounds heavier as I moved that way and Deyshawn was gone. My arms flew up and I fell through the mud. I was being smothered and I couldn't breathe. My lungs weren't working, I could see light under my eyelids.
My body burned and hurt in the spots they were once numb. Different figures and shapes transformed in my dream world, whirring by too fast for me to decipher. I felt dizzy and out of breath and sweaty. The last thing I remembered was a loud scream in one of my ears.