WE'LL BE RAISING HER TOGETHER." Klarise said to me as she stroked my back, almost as if I was the baby girl in her stomach.
We had hired a private doctor and after lots of information was given to us about late-age birthing; we did an ultrasound this morning. The doctor had congratulated us that it was a girl. I was very speculative about whether or not this doctor, Dr. Fernandez, would keep her mouth shut about all of this. But Klarise didn't even care, or probably even thought about it. All she did was beam about the baby. It was always baby this or baby that.
It had been another three months since I found out. Her belly was like a huge balloon, and when she thinks I'm not looking, I notice her frowning at herself in the mirror about how lost of shape she was becoming.
Now, night closing in on us with a warm blanket, she kisses me tenderly. But even with sex, I found myself half enjoying it as we'd take frequent breaks to just talk. About her baby.
Trying to get myself engaged in this conversation that I know won't ever stop, I asked her: "Have you thought of a name yet?"
She tapped her chin and thought long and hard. "No, not yet. I have a list in my head already though."
I nodded, letting my arms coil tightly around her.
I had wondered about why I had let her back in my life like this just because she had gotten pregnant. Why I had canceled and postponed all of my shootings, commercials, and plans just to stay next to her and care for her. I also wondered why I wasn't as mad as I wanted to be. It annoyed me that I was forgiving her like this, that she thought because there was now a baby in-between us I had let her in again without hesitation.
There was some hesitation, I suppose. But what was I supposed to do? Even now, thirty or so years later, I still don't know what I would have done.
"Maeve," she suddenly said into the darkness. I feel her hand that's been stroking me stop.
"What is it?" I didn't mean for my voice to sound irritated, but that's how it came out.
She brought my head a little closer to her. But not as close as I used to be able to go, now that there was a big bump between us. Her stomach, with the kicking baby inside that I can now feel from time to time when being near her.
"I want you to know that just because the blood of the baby is Cameron's, that does not mean anything. Anything, okay?"
I didn't nod or answer. I simply stared off into the dark.
"I really, really, want you to raise her with me. You've cared for me so much over these months, and I know how important your work is to you and for you to give that up and be here with me, I'm over thankful. But," she turned my face to meet her eyes. I didn't want to look into her dark and big brown eyes. I knew she'd see the truth in me if I did. "You haven't told me out loud if you do want to raise this baby with me. So...do you?"
She sounded hesitant. She sounded scared.
I felt my hands tremble slightly as I slowly held it up to her face. I brought it close to mine and kissed her deeply on her lips, deepening it as it went on. I knew it wasn't a proper response to her question, but I didn't trust myself to speak.
She pulled away, blushing. And then she looked off to the side as she asked, so quietly I could have not heard it:
"We'll be like...you know, uh, two mothers to her."
My other hand that was hidden behind my back, I let it ball up into a fist. I dug my nails into my palm, trying to contain the sudden overwhelming emotion I was feeling.
I just wanted to cry and scream.
I? A mother?
I made myself smile, and then let the tears come. When they all dropped and rolled down my cheeks, I could no longer tell the difference if I was pretending to be happy, or if I really was. Or if I was in desperate sadness entwined with some joy that was left as Klarise, smiling and holding me, in some way had just proposed to me.
Or maybe I had over-thought it, and all this really just was her escape from what she had done. And I had exactly done what she wanted, pushing down my own opinions and feelings to live in this false reality where I could pretend things weren't different.
Another few months later, the baby was demanding to come out to this world.