Chapter 22:
The ride back was quiet. You stared at your fists that were resting on your lap the entire time. You could feel yourself sinking into a hole of sadness and despair. You knew this feeling, you were highly familiar with it. You lived with this feeling for most of your life. Through all the horrible foster homes, the terrible time in high school with the bullies and the name-calling, to the endless, sleepless nights of studying to and working to be able to put yourself through college, that feeling had been there. The intense black hole of self-pity and loneliness that was always there, threatening to swallow you whole.
But back then, you'd always managed to suppress it, you'd always managed to keep a little light in your life. That light was the future, it was the reminder that if you just managed to get through high school, if you just managed to get into college, then you would be able to have a good life, a good future. One with friends and a family and joy. And you'd had that... until now...
Now your family was gone, they no longer remembered you or knew you existed. And your future... what was left of your future? Being cooped up in a house with three angry vampires until you rotted or were killed. So that little light that always kept you going, that always kept the darkness at bay, it was gone now. And the darkness... it was worse than you'd ever experienced before.
You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to panic or break down right there. You swallowed and let ice form around your heart. Let the coldness in, let the icy sheet wrap around your heart and freeze your chest. You had to, otherwise the heat from the uncontrollable rage and despair would consume you. You opened your eyes again and felt... empty. Empty and cold, so cold.
"Hey, Y/N, I know that was hard for you." Jimin said suddenly, breaking the deafening silence. "You know, I know we haven't really been on the best terms recently, but I want you to know you can talk to me if you need to."
"I don't need to." You said tersely, continuing to stare at your hands. You unclenched your fists and stared at the half moon shapes on your palms from where your nails had been digging into them.
"Are you sure? I mean I understand if—"
"I said, I don't." You snapped, gritting your teeth when you let a bit of heat into your voice. You couldn't let the anger in. You had to stay cold, ever so cold...
Jimin stayed quiet after that, which you appreciated. You weren't sure how well you could keep your emotions in check at the moment.
Back at the manor, you couldn't look Jimin in the eye as he led you to the door. He opened it and the two of you walked inside. It was morning now, so the small rays of the sunrise flowed into the manor's windows, illuminating the rooms. You saw Jungkook and Taehyung both standing in the foyer. Jungkook was leaning against the stairwell railing and Taehyung was sitting on one of the seats. They both stood when you came in and you saw Jungkook's eyes turn red.
"Thanks for the note, Jimin, it wasn't at all vague or misleading." Jungkook growled. He approached you in two long strides and took your shoulder. His grip was firm, but you didn't react to it. Didn't pull away or lean in. You just stood.
"I told you where we were. It's more than you've ever done." Jimin retorted.
"Just saying you're at the hospital does not explain much. You didn't say anything about why you were there or..."
Jungkook trailed off, but you still weren't looking at him. You were staring at the stairs just ahead and wondering how long it would take for this to be over so you could go to sleep. Jungkook gave your shoulder a small shake, and you raised your gaze to meet his. His dark eyes were filled with emotion but you couldn't be bothered to try to identify any of them.
"Y/N? Are you okay?" He asked, his anger almost completely gone from his voice. You shrugged.
"Fine," You muttered, turning away. You moved out of his grip and started toward the stairs. Your bed really felt like the only safe place right now. You just wanted to curl up and dream away until you faded from existence.
"Y/N." You felt a hand wrap around your forearm. You turned to see Taehyung had walked over to you from where he'd been standing, catching your arm before you could walk up the stairs. "What's wrong with you?" He demanded, his eyes dark as they stared into your, trying to figure out your emotionless demeanor. You shrugged and smiled humorlessly.
"Nothing." You murmured, gently pulling your arm out of his grip. "Absolutely nothing." With that, you turned and walked up the stairs, disappearing back into your room.
You closed the door and locked it, walking over to your bed. You stared at the comforter and sheets, and suddenly didn't feel like you deserved the comfort of them. You sank down onto the floor, leaning your back against the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Silent tears rolled down your cheeks as you felt the darkness churn inside you. No future, no prospects, no friends, no family... There was nothing left for you now. What was the point of even being here? What was the point of continuing to live when there was nothing for you to look forward to? Nothing at all...
"Y/N?" Someone rapped at the door and you recognized Jungkook's voice. Something warmed your icy chest at his voice, soft and concerned. "Can I come in?"
You stared at the door, having absolutely no energy to get up and unlock it, and considered your answer. You saw the doorknob jiggle as he attempted to open the door himself. After a couple tries, you heard a loud thunk and the door swung open slowly, revealing Jungkook and Taehyung standing in the doorway. You stared at the door, realizing that they broken the lock, probably not on purpose, and sighed. You didn't have the energy to get angry or feeling anything for the loss of privacy. What did you even need privacy for?
"What... what are you doing?" Jungkook tentatively took a few steps inside.
"What does it look like?" You said monotonously. You sighed and pulled your phone out of your pocket, tossing it away. You wouldn't be needed it anymore. No one left to stay in touch with.
"Jimin told us what happened. You asked him to compel your friends?" Jungkook walked further into the room and you stared at his boots that stood a few feet from you. You shrugged.
"I had to. They were always going to be in danger. And... they're better off not knowing who I am." Your voice cracked and you felt the angry hot tears well up in your eyes. You guessed you weren't as good at staying cold and emotionless as you thought. You swiped at your face and turned away, feeling embarrassed that you were losing it in front of him.
You felt Jungkook sit next to you and glanced up at the doorway to see Taehyung leaning against the doorframe.
"Why are you both here? You should go, I'm fine." You scooted away from Jungkook, but neither he nor Taehyung moved. Instead, they exchanged looks and looked back at you.
"You know... Just because we haven't been super close or friendly or... nice," Jungkook coughed and if you were feeling better, you might have laughed. "You can still talk to us. I mean, you let me unload on you and Taehyung.... He might be dead right now if not for you so... you can talk to us." You continued to star at the ground in front of you, feeling nothing, absolutely nothing.
"I told you, I don't want to talk." You muttered. Taehyung let out an exasperated sigh.
"Well believe it or not, we know a little something about losing your friends and family." He ground out. His exasperation made the cold melt just a bit to be replaced with hot indignation.
"Yeah, well I'm not like you!" You shouted, a burst of rage flaring in your stomach. You rose to your feet, your vison going black around the edges as you clenched your fists and glared at Taehyung.
"I'm not immortal, I'm not an undead supernatural being who can drink human blood. I am human and I just lost everything. I'm being hunted by other supernatural bloodsuckers. There's really no reason that I'm being kept alive other than the fact a stupid old vampire has some weird friendship debt to a long dead murderer who was also related to me. Also—" You brandished a finer at Taehyung. "Your stupid ex-girlfriend might be one of my ancestors too! Which means, not only am I the last human alive with my bloodline, I also have the blood of at least two bloodthirsty murderers! What does that make me?" Your voice cracked and you reached up, tangling your fist in your hair, helplessly. "What is the point of keeping me alive? What is the point of me at all?"
They were quiet as they stared at you, letting you shout at them until your throat was raw. You coughed and sniffed, feeling your throat burn and itch from shouting so loud. You rubbed your neck and sat down on the bed, all the fight going out of you again. Taehyung pushed himself off the doorframe, drawing your attention to him.
"Rosemary isn't related to you. I would know if she were." He growled. "And for the record, I don't have to be here if I don't want to. I could leave if I chose, so you should be grateful." With that, he turned on his heel and stalked out of the door, marching into his room. He slammed the door behind him, making you flinch. Jungkook stood up, brushing himself off.
"Don't worry about him. He's still hung up on her. Probably always will be." He said, trying to sound reassuring. You clenched your jaw.
"Like you aren't hung up on Clara?" You snapped. Jungkook flinched when you said her name and you immediately felt bad. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." You mumbled sheepishly.
"It's okay." Jungkook said softly after a couple beats. "You can yell at me all you want. I can be your punching bag if you need me to be." He cracked a smile and your heart slammed against your chest. Jungkook smiled rarely, and especially never to you. It was a welcome sight, almost enough to make you forget the helplessness of your situation. Almost.
"Thanks but... I really just want to be alone."
Jungkook nodded solemnly as you crawled inside the covers, feeling that familiar darkness and cold seep back into your skin. They were a distraction. But there was no distraction from this.
"Y/N, I know you need to work through this yourself but... We're more alike than you realize." You closed your eyes, settling on the pillow. His voice still reached your ears, like the last bit of hope in an empty ocean of sadness. "I had to watch my family and the love of my life move on and forget about me too. And I let the darkness consume me. But you... you managed to shine the light in a little bit. I don't want to see that light go out."
Tears welled up in your eyes at his surprisingly kind words. You choked on a sob.
"Please... leave me alone." You croaked, not wanting him to see you break down.
You heard him sigh, then the padding of footsteps and the soft click of your door shutting behind him. You squeezed your eyes shut and buried your face in the pillow, trying to suppress the tears. You couldn't hold them back as they began to flow freely, dripping onto the pillow, followed by your sobs that shook your entire body. You covered your head with the blanket and choked through your ugly sobs. You sobbed until you finally exhausted yourself and fell asleep.
The next day, you woke up with a raw throat, burning eyes, and headache that felt like throwing bricks against a wall. You were sneezing and coughing and you realized that you were sick. You weren't sure if it was from crying yourself to sleep or from the darkness still swelling side you, but you felt no desire to get out of bed. The thought of food or sunlight made you nauseous and if you had the energy, you knew you'd be bent over the toilet seat, emptying your already empty stomach. That day, no one came to visit you and you didn't leave the room, keeping yourself wrapped up. You were physically, emotionally and mentally miserable.
You slept restlessly that night again, tossing and turning and seeing red every time you drifted to sleep, only to be awoken again by horrifying images of fangs and violet eyes.
You lost track of time after that. You couldn't tell what time it was, or even what day it was as you stayed wrapped up in your covers, feeling less and less as time went on. You weren't hungry, weren't thirsty, weren't anything. You had no desire to get up or do anything anymore. There really wasn't any point. You felt quite content to just lie here until you rotted or starved to death. It honestly felt like a blessing, all things considered.
One day, much time later, you were drifting back into a dreamless sleep when raised voices outside your door made you frown and blink awake.
"What are you going to do?" Jimin's voice was tight, like he was incredibly exasperated.
"I don't know, but we have to do something." A chill rolled down your spine at Jungkook's reply.
"Why should we do anything? This makes it easier for us if she just stays in there, right? Who cares if she comes out or not?"
"She's depressed! She's not eating or drinking or anything, she's just wallowing in her own misery, we have to do something."
"She's allowed to be a bit sad. She did just lose all her friends. It's not our job to make her feel better."
"Yes, but that doesn't mean she should just stop taking care of herself. We have to get her to snap out of this. Get out of the way, I'm going to talk to her."
"We don't have to do anything, that's not in the job description. We just have to make sure she doesn't get killed or kidnapped."
"If she keeps going the way she is, she will die. She will starve or die of thirst if this keeps up. Is that what you want?"
There was silence for a few moments after that. You furrowed your brow.
"Fine, talk to her, then." Jimin said finally.
You closed your eyes in annoyance as you heard the door open and tentative footsteps walk in.
"Go away," You croaked, your voice withered and hoarse. You didn't have to turn around to know who it was inside your room.
"Y/N, come on. You can't keep going like this. You at least need to come eat something." Jungkook's voice was hesitant and soft, like he was afraid of scaring you. You clenched your teeth.
"Why? What's the point?" You muttered bitterly.
You heard another pair of footsteps enter the room and Jimin's voice rang out, loud and stern.
"The point is, Lazarus gave us orders to protect you, to keep you alive and well. You're alive, but you aren't well. It's time to snap out of this funk and get out of bed." He said indifferently.
A wave of indignation passed through you and you sat up abruptly, turning to face the vampires. Jungkook, standing behind the bed, blinked, looking surprised that you'd reacted. Jimin's arms were crossed as he glared at you. You glared right back.
"Funk? Is that what you think this is? You think this is just a funk? Do you have any idea what's happening to me right now?" You snapped, your hoarse voice not sounding as cutting as you wanted. Jimin rolled his eyes.
"You lost all your friends and you're sad about the future. Big whoop. You need to suck it up and get over it." He deadpanned. You gaped at him, thrown off by his cruelty.
"Get over it? You think this is just something I can get over?" You demanded. The ice around your heart melted, to be replaced with fiery rage. "My life is over. It's gone, everything that I am, everything that I've worked for is gone. I have no school, no friends, no family and the future is just as bleak because I have to be around you for the rest of my life. I can't go anywhere or do anything without a bodyguard and there are literal monsters who want to kill me for no other reason than I can't be controlled by them. You think this is something I can just brush off? I'm not like you. I'm not a heartless machine. I'm not as sick as you!"
Jimin lifted his chin when you finished your outburst, angry tears streaking your face. You pointed at the door.
"Get... the hell... out." You croaked, the rawness of your throat making it painful to speak. Jimin's lip curled distastefully.
"Don't presume you can give me orders now." Jimin said slowly, his voice thick with barely controlled anger. "Don't think for a second I will allow you to speak to me this way." You gritted your teeth, anger flaring up within you.
"Yeah? What the hell are you gonna do about it? You think you're tough shit?" He raised a smug eyebrow and your vision went red around the edges. "You can't touch me!" You shouted, wincing at the pain in your throat. You wanted to hurt him, you wanted to hurt someone, anyone. Hurt someone so that maybe they could feel even a fraction of the constant pain you were in. You looked around frantically, searching for something to throw at him or... you saw one of your pens lying on the ground next to the bed and you reached down to scoop it up. You looked up at him in the eye as he raised an eyebrow at the pen in your hand. You gave him an angry snarl sucked in a sharp breath before plunging the pen into your own flesh in your forearm and dragging it down, opening a gash in the skin. You winced at the pain as blood began to trickle and drip from the cut onto the bedsheets.
"Y/N!" Jungkook was suddenly in front of you, snatching the pen out of your hand and throwing it away. He grabbed your wrists and pulled them forward, away from you, as you choked back a sob, you arm throbbing and stinging from the cut. You looked up to see both Jungkook and Jimin staring at the fresh wound, their eyes focused on the blood trickling down your elbow.
"Go on..." You croaked. "Drink it and die for all I care." Your eyelids fluttered as a wave of nausea passed over you. Your stomach growled, the first bit of hunger you'd felt in a long time. Jungkook had been right. It'd been too long since you'd eaten and expending this much energy was not good for you. Especially if you started losing blood, which was happening at an alarming rate as the sheets you were sitting on started to become damp.
"Damnit..." Jungkook muttered, looking away, his jaw clenched tight. Jimin turned away at the same time, but you caught a flash of red in his gaze.
"Get her cleaned up." Jimin said sternly, turning his back to you. He marched out of your room and your eyelids fluttered as dizziness passed over you.
"Why did you do that, Y/N? You know what happens when..." Jungkook trailed off when your eyelids fluttered shut for a few seconds. You felt his hand on your cheek, tilting your head up. "Y/N? Hey, come on, don't pass out on me." He patted your cheek with his palm, making you blink awake again. He sighed, shaking his head at you. "Okay. Let's get you cleaned up."
He stood up and helped you to your feet, placing one of your arms around his shoulder so he could support you front the side. He helped you walk to the bathroom. You wanted to shake him off and tell him that you could walk yourself, but you didn't for several reasons. First, you were way to exhausted to fight him on anything, especially when you knew he would win, and second because you were pretty sure you would collapse if he didn't support you. Your legs felt like they were filled with jelly.
Jungkook sat you down on the toilet and grabbed on of the towels, running it under the sink before dabbing at the gash in your arm, soaking up the blood. You said nothing, staring at the floor while he worked. He was quiet, and when you braved a look up at his face, you saw his brow furrowed in concentration and his jaw clenched so tight, it looked like he might chip a tooth. He kept blinking, and you expected his eyes to turn red, but they never did. You were sure it was taking an overwhelming amount of focus to keep himself under control. You felt bad, your intention hadn't been to hurt him. You'd only wanted to hurt Jimin for being uncaring and cruel. You never meant for Jungkook to be in pain like this.
"Hey." You blinked at a voice in the doorway to the bathroom. Taehyung stood there, holding a glass of orange juice and a granola bar. "I figured you could use this."
He came inside and handed the juice to you. You stared at it, and you would have been touched by the gesture if you weren't so miserable and wallowing in self-pity. Taehyung grabbed your good hand and wrapped it around the glass, letting go. You sighed and brought the glass to your lips, taking a few gulps of it. You instantly felt better, and some of the self-pity faded to be replaced with shame. You didn't deserve their kindness. Not after you'd yelled at them, not after everything.
"I'm sorry." You whispered as Taehyung took the glass and replaced it with the bar.
"Eat it." He ordered. You sighed and slowly unwrapped it, taking a small bite in the corner. Taehyung nodded, seeming satisfied and turned to leave.
"Thank you." You called, making him pause slightly before leaving the bathroom entirely. Jungkook gave you a sideways look as he wrapped a bandage around your arm, covering the wound.
"I'm sorry to you too." You whispered, as he bent over your arm, fastening the bandage tight. He lifted his head to meet your eyes and nodded at the bar in your hand.
"Finish that." He said softly. You swallowed and obeyed, nibbling gingerly at the bar. Jungkook stood back up and looked down at his bloodstained shirt. He sniffed and shivered, squeezing his eyes shut in distaste. Before you could say anything, he quickly pulled the shirt over his head, throwing it aside, like it was covered in something gross. You blinked up at him, in all his shirtless glory. If you weren't already dizzy you might have passed out right there. You looked away and took a big bite of the bar, giving yourself something to do. You knew he was just trying to get rid of the smell of your blood, but it had still come as a surprise.
"I'll bring you a change of clothes." He said, turning toward your closet. "You should take a shower. You'll feel better."
"Jungkook, wait." You stood up quickly, immediately regretting it when you felt a wave of dizziness pass through you. You sat back down and Jungkook grabbed your arm to keep you steady. "You don't have to do that." You murmured. "I'm okay now, I promise. I lost it for a minute, but I'm okay." You forced a smile on your face, hoping to hide the pain that had just been on full display. Jungkook shook his head, pursing his lips.
"Y/N, you don't have to apologize to me." Jungkook said softly, staring intensely into your eyes. "I've been where you are. I've been worse than you. Much worse. You never have to apologize to me for losing it like this." He gave you a half-smile and then disappeared to look for a change of clothes for you, leaving you staring after him.
There was an odd warmth in your chest after that. Not the angry heat that you'd been trying to avoid, but something else. Something you hadn't felt in a long time.