"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand: there is no going back." -The Return of the King
~~~~~
"Momma!"
Noelle's head shot up from the tree she had been resting her head against. She had dozed off for literally two minutes! She couldn't even sleep for that long!
The little blonde four year old came racing over to where her mom was on the ground and practically slammed herself into Noelle's lap. Her blue eyes matched her mother's and she had a huge grin on her face.
Noelle sighed dramatically. "What is it, my little princess?"
"Can you play with me momma?"
Noelle raised an eyebrow. "Mommy was trying to nap..."
The girl pouted. "Daddy's too busy to play with me."
Noelle smiled sympathetically. She would understand one day when she was older. One day she would know. Sometimes needs had to come before feelings. Pulling the girl onto her lap, she kissed the top of her blonde head, which was a trait she had obviously not earned from her mother.
"Daddy has a kingdom to run, my littlest princess. It certainly doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you. Eventually he'll have time. And you will understand one day."
~~~~~
Days turned into weeks in the Shire. Noelle had been staying with Frodo in Bag End since the beginning of June when their Company finally got back to the Shire, and now the summer was flying by quickly.
Things had stayed relatively the same for the hobbits of the Shire. When Noelle, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin returned, it was like nothing had ever happened.
But Noelle had watched the four hobbits go through the same realization that she had once had: things were never going to be the same after what had happened.
The difference was, at least the hobbits were trying to move on.
"You know, Miss Noelle. It's not that you can't have a normal life after adventures. The memory just is something you have to live with," Sam had pointed out.
And Noelle knew he couldn't be more right as she watched Rosie Cotton walk down the aisle to marry Sam.
She had almost considered not even going to the wedding, but she pushed away her selfish feelings and went to support her friend. After all, she had once urged Sam to go talk to Rosie at Bilbo's Birthday party, so she needed to go.
Her heart clenched tightly as she thought of Legolas.
This could have been us-
Inwardly, she chastised herself. She needed to stop.
Noelle hadn't spoken with Legolas since she told him she was leaving around two months ago. She had last seen him when their escort party reached Isengard. They had locked eyes briefly, only for Legolas to break the contact, his eyes filled with despair and grief every time he looked at her.
It was now midsummer, the first day of July, and Noelle had heard nothing about him. How he was doing. She desperately wanted answers, but she refused to reach out through the Force.
The Jedi always said that emotion was a bad thing, and Noelle disagreed with them, having experienced emotions all her life: the good and the bad. She wouldn't trade the love she had for Legolas nor the brotherly bond she had had with Anakin Skywalker. The Jedi said that emotions and peace could not coexist, but they were wrong.
Emotions were not an evil thing, although they could distract, and keep one from seeing their path clearly, which was why Noelle had constantly been questioning which decision was the right one: staying with Legolas and having everything she dreamed of, or going back to try and save her fallen brother.
Which decision wasn't being clouded by her emotions?
Noelle already knew in the back of her mind that staying with Legolas was unrealistic. She couldn't just stay and pretend that it wasn't a huge mistake. For them to be together in the end, Noelle would have to find another way. Perhaps she could figure something out while she was gone. It wasn't like time was the same, and Legolas wasn't going to age...
Noelle put her head in her hands. The way it seemed, she couldn't prioritize this relationship in her life at the moment. It just wasn't the time right now-
"Are you alright, Noelle?"
Noelle looked up from her little corner where she had been propped up by the round window of Bilbo's old study. It was Frodo holding Bilbo's red book in his hand. When their Company had passed through Rivendell on the way home, Bilbo had given Frodo his completed tale. There was still room left in the book for Frodo to write his own story.
Noelle nodded. "I'm fine Frodo." If anything, she should have been asking if he was ok. He was the one who had taken the One Ring to Mount Doom.
"You always say that," answered the perceptive hobbit. "I don't think you really are though."
It was true. She had been saying that from the beginning to everybody. Frodo, Gandalf, Flash, Aragorn, Legolas...They all cared and just wanted to see her safe and happy, but it was time for Noelle to face the truth: she hadn't been ok, and she never would be, unless she went back to face her past. To fix the mistakes she made and to come to terms with what happened. Staying here wasn't going to fix anything, and neither was going home.
There were some things that time could not mend. Some hurts that went too deep, that had taken hold.
Gandalf had once told her to always keep moving forward and to never look back. The Force was her gift, and would be with her always. Now was the time to follow Its call. To hear His Voice.
"I think this time, I really mean it. I am ok."
~~~~~
September 22, TA 3019:
Noelle stood beside the four hobbits, waiting at the old Inn on the borders of the Shire. The Elves' message had reached the Shire two months before and the day had finally come: Frodo and Bilbo Baggins were leaving Middle-earth on the very last ship.
There she stood, wearing her dark blue Mandalorian clothes and Ahsoka's grey cloak pulled over her head, with her dark wavy brown hair loose falling around her shoulders and her lightsaber on her left hip. Her blue eyes carried a look of solemnity.
Because this was the day she was leaving too.
The carriage came passing by where Merry, Sam, and Pippin were waiting on their white ponies, and Noelle and Frodo stood beside them. Noelle had left Flash behind with Aragorn in Minas Tirith instead of taking him back to the Shire. She felt Flash deserved a good retirement, and not that he wouldn't be cared for in the Shire, but the horse even said he would feel more at home in Gondor. So there he had stayed.
The carriage-wagon stopped in front of the Inn where they were waiting, and in the front seat was none other than Gandalf himself, his white hood pulled over his head. The smallest smile played on his lips, and he nodded to Noelle, who she climbed in beside him on his right.
"We match today," she said, pointing at her hood.
Gandalf chuckled. "Yes, we do. There is also someone else here who might like to see you." He turned around and pointed to the back of the carriage, where Frodo was sitting beside an elderly Bilbo. Age had finally seemed to catch up with him.
Noelle waved to catch his attention. "Hey Bilbo," she said quietly, as not to startle him. He looked like he had been half-asleep.
The old hobbit opened his eyes and smiled. "Hello lass, you're coming with us too?"
Noelle nodded with a smile. "Only to the Havens, Bilbo." She turned back to Gandalf and took a deep breath. "So this is it then?"
Gandalf nodded solemnly and snapped the reins as the two brown horses walked forward. "Yes, my dear. It is. I am leaving Middle-earth, with the other Ringbearers."
Noelle's eyes traveled down to the wizard's right hand, only to see a beautiful ruby red ring on his finger. How had she not noticed that before?
"Narya, the Elvish ring of Fire," Gandalf confirme. "I have been its bearer since before the events of the Lonely Mountain."
There was a comfortable moment of silence, as Noelle did not feel the need to ask Gandalf any more questions.
"And what about you?" the wizard asked after a moment. "Are you at peace with your decision to return to the Jedi?"
Noelle took a deep breath. "I am. Although uncertain about my future, I know it's the right decision. Facing my past is the only way to move forward into my future. You always told me to 'never look back.'"
"I did."
Noelle studied her new lightsaber. "Was yours blue, Gandalf?"
Gandalf nodded with a smile. "Yes."
"The Jedi gave up on me, and the people who needed them the most," Noelle's eyes took on a wistfully sad look, remembering Anakin, Ahsoka, Saruman, the dead clones who had their free wills taken from them, the dead Jedi who had given their lives believing they were serving a greater purpose, and the innocent lives of the people who were killed and affected by the war.
She remembered Darth Vader.
She closed her eyes, feeling a single tear come. Quickly brushing it away, she composed herself. "I'm not a Jedi. I never will be, and I don't want to call myself one. But that doesn't mean that I should give up on being the embodiment of what a Jedi should be. Someday I hope to find the Balance."
"I think you will," said the wizard. "I always believed in you, Noelle. Now is the time for you to forge your own path- it is not about leaving your world behind, or choosing whether to be with the Jedi or not, it is about using your gifts for the good of others, and deciding where to best put them to use."
Noelle nodded. "I know." She had known that since the beginning. That was why Gandalf had found her and trained her in the first place. That was why he took her to Middle-earth, and why she had joined the Jedi, and finally decided to leave. The problem was the sacrifice. Having to let go of her attachments to do the right thing. Love wasn't wrong, but sometimes the people who had more had to make greater sacrifices. Of whom more are given, more will be expected.
"Gandalf..." Noelle started off hesitantly. "How is he?"
The wizard tensed slightly. They both knew who she was talking about.
"You will see for yourself soon enough."
Noelle frowned, stunned by his answer. "What do you-"
"Soon," he repeated, and with that, he left Noelle to wonder for the rest of the journey to Mithlond.
By sunset, Noelle could hear the cry of the seagulls- a sound she had not heard for herself in many years. It made her long for the sea, and for a better life of what lay beyond her adventures. The carriage stopped, and Noelle hopped out to help Gandalf out of his seat. Then they both helped Frodo and Bilbo out of the back. Sam, Merry and Pippin dismounted their ponies.
They followed Gandalf through the ancient and beautiful Elvish architectural city. It was abandoned for the most part, but still preserved and beautiful, like the ancient ruins of a time long before. They came to the stone pavilion that was the docks.
Bilbo stopped in his tracks, almost faster than Sam and Frodo could keep up with him. "Oh," he said, gazing in wonder at his surroundings. "Well, here's a sight I've never seen before..." he trailed off.
Standing before them were three Elves: Lord Elrond, Lord Celeborn, and Lady Galadriel. Behind them was a wooden ship with white sails, carved into the head of a swan.
Bilbo slowly bowed his head in respect, as did Gandalf and Noelle. The Elves smiled back.
"The power of the Three Rings has ended," said Lady Galadriel. Her voice flowed like music. "The time has come, for the dominion of Men." Her knowing eyes rested on Noelle.
He is waiting.
Noelle's eyes drifted over Galadriel's shoulder. There, several yards away, stood none other than Legolas himself.
Unable to stop herself, she rushed over to him and flung herself in his arms. Legolas gripped her tightly. One hand behind her head and the other on her waist. Leaning down, he placed a desperate kiss on her lips, as if she was the only thing in the world needed to keep him alive, as if she was the very air itself.
Breathless, Noelle was the one who pulled back first. She needed to tell him. "Legolas-"
Legolas grabbed her hand, and gently shushed her. "No, Noelle. You do not need to tell me anything," he whispered. "One day, you'll know. You will know what you are meant to do, and who you are meant to be, and when you do, you will find your way back to me."
Noelle was silent for a moment. That was what she wanted most right now- to be with him forever. Maybe one day she would find a way...
"Maybe..." she started. She glanced up to meet Legolas's eyes, which were filled with sadness but also hope. "Maybe, if the time is ever right, and if it's ever meant to be, I'll come back."
"I know you will." He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
Slowly, she reached up on her tiptoes and kissed Legolas's cheek tenderly, then squeezed her eyes shut as she pulled back from him. It was really time to go. Her eyes met Gandalf's. She gave Legolas one final look, and went over to the man who had been like a father to her for the past twelve years. She hugged him.
"Thank you for everything, Gandalf. I wouldn't be where I am today without you."
Gandalf's own eyes were watery. This was most likely the last time Noelle would ever see him. He was going beyond to the sea. He wouldn't be here for her like before. She was truly alone this time, but her ally would always be the Force.
"Are you ready?" asked Gandalf.
Noelle nodded, getting that familiar feeling at the bottom of her stomach like she always did when this was about to happen: the uncertainty, the excitement, the sadness, and the hope.
She kept her eyes focused solely on Legolas, as Gandalf's staff began to grow brighter and brighter until it was as brilliant as the sun.
Then, she closed her eyes.
~~~~~
Legolas will return...