"Okay, just spill it" Bucky says, looking at the cards in [Y/N]'s hand and then into her [y/ec] eyes. It's March, 9th and shortly before midnight. He's still trying to teach her how to play poker but even though she has the best poker face not just while playing, she seems to be just as a hopeless case as Steve is.
"That I'm not interested in games of chance?" [Y/N] asks.
"Would explain why you suck at it" Bucky answers, the familiar sloppy grin finding its way on his lips. "We should've played strip poker. Would've been more fun."
"Bucky Barnes!" [Y/N] rebukes him sternly, raising her right eyebrow at him but blushing some. "You wouldn't take advantage of a woman's plight."
"The only plight is watching you or Steve play cards. But I was talking about what awaits me tomorrow."
"You know, just because we threw a party for Natasha, doesn't mean I'm doing that for everyone's birthday."
"Right. But I'm your boyfriend."
"And Steve is yours. And you're being all his tomorrow."
Bucky grimaces at her teasing words, the Stucky-jokes getting more and more. A proud and amused grin lies on [Y/N]'s lips. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm not even supposed to tell you but it means you're having a boys day while Natasha and I can enjoy some time in peace."
Bucky rolls his eyes at her comment but smirks slightly. "A mens day, hm?"
[Y/N] shrugs. "It's something different, isn't it? Better than hiding here all the damn time."
"Right."
"What's on your mind, Buck?" [Y/N] asks and raises her right eyebrow. Bucky's brows are slightly furrowed, giving away that he's lost in his own thoughts but [Y/N] is unable to catch up on what's going on in his head at this moment.
"Just wondering. Thought we would spend the day together" Bucky says nonchalant as if he knows disagreeing with his friends will make no sense.
"Well, we're spending every day together. But Sam and Steve haven't left the building since months. So whatever they're up to, I'm up for it too. It'll be good. For all of you. You could do some bonding with Sam as well."
"We're close enough" Bucky says quickly and his girlfriend smirks. "So no chance to take you out for dinner?" he asks, his hand moving through his hair that has been growing the last couple of months and that he's now trying to keep out of his face without tying it.
"Haven't you heard what I just said?" [Y/N] asks as she raises her eyebrow again, a smirk on her face as she watches Bucky. "We're really close to the man bun phase again, aren't we?"
"I heard what you said. But you're my girl" Bucky answers to her first question before he smirks as he watches her bite her lip as she blushes. "And maybe we are. But you loved it."
[Y/N] chuckles, her eyes glancing at her cards as if they'd still be playing, then back up to his blue eyes. "Your girl? Mushy."
"Oh, shut up. I can still see the blush on your cheeks. You liked it!"
"So that is what we are now? A mushy couple?" [Y/N] asks amused.
"I fear we always were, doll. We just always tried to fight against it" Bucky says softly and causes [Y/N] to smile. He then places his cards aside to put his arms around [Y/N], pulling her onto his lap. The latter looks over her shoulder to check the time, seeing that it's past midnight now.
"Happy 101st Birthday, Mr. Barnes" she says lovingly and leans in to kiss him, her arms wrapped around his neck.
"Ouch" he sighs, being reminded about his age when they pull away. "I hope that quick peck on the lips wasn't all."
[Y/N] chuckles, leaning her forehead against his. "Mushy" she repeats chuckling and then connects their lips again. "What about your present?"
"I can think of a very pleasing present" he replies smirking, his hands moving under her shirt but [Y/N] stops them giggling.
"Bucky" she laughs. "Where do all these hormones come from?"
Bucky wraps his fingers around her hands, pushing her down on the bed, her back touching the sheets as he leans over her, a mischievous grin on his lips. "They come from falling in love with you" he answers and watches proudly as [Y/N]'s cheeks turn red. It's been months and she's still not used to hear those words from Bucky and he secretly wishes that the impact of his words will stay for a really long time because he loves to see her flustered like that, making him want to say it to her even more often.
Nonetheless, [Y/N] huffs and Bucky surrenders, climbing off of her. "Okay. I can get it now, I guess?" he asks and [Y/N] nods.
"If you want it now. Or you can wait until you're back."
"No, I want it now. You've mentioned it and now I'm curious."
Chuckling, [Y/N] moves out of the bed and walks back the the front part of her room. Bucky moves to the edge of her bed, waiting. Her arms are behind her back when she joins him again, hiding whatever she's holding. A soft smile lies on her lips, only her eyes giving away the slight nervousness of if he'll like the present. Bucky gets up from the bed, his hands moving to her arms, slowly tracing them down as he smiles at her supportive. He'll love whatever she got him because he's already the happiest with her. Finally, [Y/N] hands him the present, wrapped in nothing but brown paper, feeling kinda heavy in his hands. Bucky smiles at her before moving his gaze to the package in his hands, his right hand moving to unwrap the paper.
"You know, the story didn't end with The Hobbit" [Y/N] says as Bucky looks at the covers of the 'The Lord Of The Rings' books.
Bucky remembers all the times she has called him a nerd before and how he disagreed. The slight excitement about his new lecture proves to him that she was right. He's truly a little nerd and he can't wait to further explore the world of the Hobbits, wizards and magic.
[Y/N] watches him with a smile and sees the excitement in his eyes that he can not hide. She knows that this is a moment she wants to capture, a moment she's going to draw once the men are gone later the day to make sure she'll never forget the excitement in his eyes, the happy smile on his lips and his growing hair that falls back into his face. His blue-greenish eyes meet hers again and without breaking the gaze, he places the books aside and grabs her hand to pull her closer to him. His right hand cups her face, thumb stroking her cheek as he looks deep into her eyes. "Thank you, [Y/N]. It's great" he says before kissing her gently.
[Y/N] can feel his hot breath on her lips, they're mouthes just inches away and she can almost feel his soft lips on hers way before they lean in to kiss again. She can feel the tenderness, the admiration and the happiness that leave her breathless when they pull apart again. Even after months Bucky is still able to blow her away just by being Bucky.
"I know birthday presents don't work like that but I think it's the best timing to finally give you something too" Bucky says in a low voice. His hands move to his neck, feeling the cold of his metal arm tickling his skin and the warmth of the silver around his neck as he grabs a hold of his dog tags. He takes the necklace off and places it over [Y/N]'s head, the long necklace hanging underneath her breasts, her eyes moving from the silver of the dog tags up to his eyes.
"Why?" [Y/N] whispers. "I thought you need them."
"They were supposed to remind me of who I was because I was afraid of who I had become. But you remind me of who I am today and who I want to be. I don't need them anymore but I want them to remind you that [Y/N] Sharp is the reason I am a happy man. And that I love you."
"Bucky..." she whispers, tears forming in her eyes that Bucky stops with his thumbs before they roll down her face. Her cheeks blush again at his words.
He presses their foreheads together, smiling softly at her. "Don't cry, darling."
"I love you" she whispers against his lips, not knowing what else to say. Her heart seems to have stopped beating, her eyes still feeling watery. "Thank you."
Bucky smiles and kisses her tenderly. His lips still taste like the beer they had a while ago and they taste like Bucky, the softness of them giving [Y/N] butterflies, making her heart beat again before he pulls away and takes a step back to have a better look at her. "I love you, too."
Suddenly, [Y/N] gets picked up by Bucky, his arms wrapped around her back and her legs as he carries her back to bed. He sits down, placing [Y/N] on his lap and wrapping his arms around her back to look at her. "You know, this is probably my favorite birthday. But I know how to make it even better."
"Your favorite birthday so far" [Y/N] answers the moment Bucky's lips meet her neck, his wet lips crashing against her skin, tongue softly licking her sweat spot, making her hum in response. "You never know what the future holds" [Y/N] says softly, biting her lip to not give into him yet but happy that Bucky finally allows happiness in his life and himself to move on. It's been a long journey for him, full of doubts, fear and self-blame but he mastered it and [Y/N] couldn't feel any happier for him.
"Talking about the future..." Bucky mutters, pulling back again, his fingers tracing along her spine to calm him down as things are getting more serious now. "Have you made a decision yet? It's been months since the offer."
[Y/N] sighs, averting her gaze. "Not again, Bucky."
"I just want to know, darling."
"I know" she answers, her own fingers playing with the hem of his shirt now. "I'm still thinking about it."
"Still?" he asks disappointed, even though he already guessed this answer. His eyes scan the room for nothing particular now, his tongue pokes against the inside of his cheek as he's trying to find the next right words. "When will you know? Don't you want to move on?"
"This isn't about moving on, Bucky" [Y/N] says as she crawls off his lap to sit down next to him, frustration written on her face.
Bucky sighs again and turns to his side to face her again. He can not just see but feel her withdraw from him, trying to run from the conversation like he usually does so he grabs her hand, his right thumb stroking the back of it. He can see how tense she is, the subject clearly stressing her out but he doesn't know why. "Are we ever going to talk about it? Because I'm just trying to understand you."
Bucky's touch is what keeps [Y/N]'s body from trembling, her breath becoming uneven anyway. She can't manage to look into his eyes anymore because she knows that it'd make her break down. It'd cause her to say out loud what she's scared to admit and what she doesn't want to worry her friends with.
"Doll?" Bucky asks, worried about the long silence. He wonders how they got there within seconds when things were all cheesy before.
"Sorry..." [Y/N] mumbles and she means it. She'd like to answer him properly but fails at putting her thoughts in words because she's scared to share the truth with him. Feeling ashamed for all of this, she's still not able to look back at him.
Bucky moves out of the bed to kneel down in front of [Y/N], his eyes meeting hers again and he can see that she's close to crying. He doesn't know why or how he can help her and it hurts him to see her like that, unable to do anything. "I need your help for me to understand you, [Y/N]" he begs. "I would have thought you're going to take the chance the moment we tell you about it. But it's been months and you're still avoiding the topic. I just don't get it."
Bucky's eyes are deep like an ocean [Y/N] is drowning in, reminding her of what she's fearing so much. "I can't tell what's stopping me Bucky. But there's just something holding me back from making a decision. It's not that easy."
Bucky blinks at her, taken aback by her words before he huffs. He's trying to understand her and to be patient but they're not getting anywhere with this conversation and he'll never understand her if she doesn't open up. But he's even more scared that the longer she waits, the more she'll forget. Time is against her but it seems like [Y/N] doesn't care about it. "Then how am I supposed to understand?" he asks frowning. "You're not even giving me a chance to help you." Bucky gets up from his knees now, back onto his feet to turn around and as [Y/N] lifts her head, scared that he'll leave the room, she can see his hand wandering over his face in frustration. He feels a little more calm when he turns back around to face her, even though he's frustrated nonetheless. "Is this how things are going to be from now on? Are we just going to avoid this topic forever or are you eventually going to tell me when you've made up your mind? Because I'd just like to know if I should stop asking questions. It's getting frustrating, you know?"
"I know it's frustrating" [Y/N] answers frowning. "I'm sorry" she says more calm now, trying to sound comforting and to avoid the upcoming fight.
The softness of her voice is enough to calm Bucky too, who can clearly feel how his tension is leaving his body and he takes a deep breath to control his frustration. He can feel the warmth between them again and [Y/N]'s attraction that draws him to her. He walks back to the bed to kneel in front of her again, taking her hands in his. "I know you're used to building walls around you to protect you but you don't need to protect yourself from me. I don't want to push you, [Y/N] and if you're not willing to talk about it, it's okay, just tell me then. But don't push me away just because you're used to handle things on your own. We're in this together, okay? Just like we're in everything together ever since you stumbled into my life."
It's silent then and the seconds feel like minutes to Bucky until [Y/N] lifts her head to look at him. A veil is in her eyes as she's close to crying, a sadness and uncertainty visible in them and Bucky's heart hurts just by looking at them. He hates to see her sad or hurting. "I'm scared, Buck" she mumbles. "Scared of all the things that could go wrong. And I'm scared of leaving."
As she begins to open up to him finally, Bucky can't help but to smile at her encouragingly, a sigh leaving his lips as he's relieved. He sits down next to her, wrapping his arms around her. "It's okay" he humms against her hair before placing a kiss there.
"You guys are all I have left. I'm scared of what changes while I'm gone" [Y/N] mumbles into his shoulder. Bucky can only understand her because his ear is close to her mouth and a sad smile forms on his lips. This doubts must've been bothering her for months and as her voice breaks he just knows that not even Steve knew about this.
"We've been living here for months, a year almost. No one's going anywhere and nothing's going to change" Bucky says softly when they pull apart to lock eyes again. "And nothing's going to go wrong."
"I'm really scared, Buck" [Y/N] admits again but she knows that he won't understand the deep meaning of her words until she tells him that he's what's holding her back since the day they told her about the option. It has been hard enough to live without him once but after all they've been through, living without him again feels unbearable to [Y/N]. A life without Bucky Barnes by her side feels unbearable. "I have forgotten so much but what remains are you guys. What if I forget about you, too?"
"This won't happen, [Y/N]. I'm not that easy to forget" he says winking, hoping it'll cheer her up but the corners of her lips just twitch for a second. "It won't happen" he repeats. "But if it would, I'd help you remember. But knowing you, this doesn't sound like something that would be stopping you."
"You have no idea, Buck..." his girlfriend mumbles, her eyes filled with a hint of fear now. A fear that goes deeper than her words have revealed yet and Bucky knows that there's more than she's willing to show. He cups her face now, his fingers move through her hair as he looks deep into her eyes. "I was scared, too. When I was in Wakanda. The unknown can be scary. But it's worth a try, isn't it? What's your future worth when it doesn't last?"
[Y/N] huffs in response, unable to hold back her sarcasm as she speaks up. "Coming from the man that doesn't say anything about his own future." As she realizes what she has just said, [Y/N] sighs. "I'm sorry, Buck" she apologizes, her head still in his hands, unable to look anywhere but his eyes. "I'm really happy for you. And I always will be, no matter what way you go."
"So this is what it is about?" Bucky asks surprised but can't hide a tiny smirk forming on his lips. He's almost surprised that [Y/N] is that insecure about their relationship as she has always been so confident. He thought nothing would outface her that easily but the pieces of the puzzle begin to add together to him now. "[Y/N] Sharp... Are you really worried what will happen to us when we don't have to hide anymore?"
When [Y/N] doesn't answer immediately, Bucky chuckles slightly, knowing that he's right. "Doll, I'm not dating you because we're hiding here. I fell in love with you, no matter the circumstanes. And there's a reason we talk about your future a lot more. I don't know where my future leads but I know it'll be by your side. If you still want me then."
[Y/N]'s features soften now, the corner of her lips form into a warm smile as her fear of forgetting or losing him begin to fade. She could hear the slight insecurity at the end of his words. An insecurity that she's so used to but that she can't quite understand. "How could anyone not want you, Buck?"
Bucky blushes some but smiles widely, happy to see her happier again. He pulls her face closer to kiss her and when their lips touch, he can feel that everything is alright again. Their discussion is over, [Y/N]'s doubts have been cleared and he finally has clarity. Eventually, they pull back but Bucky keeps her face in her hands to look deep into her [y/ec] eyes. "You don't have to be afraid because you don't have to go through this alone. I'm coming with you, [Y/N]. I always will."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Even if she tries to hide it, Bucky can see that [Y/N] is nervously playing with her outfit. Natasha had insisted that [Y/N] wears something other than jeans and a hoodie, which she feels just as comfortable in as she does in sport clothes. The hem of her wine-red blouse is already beginning to crease because she's constanly moving the fabric around in her hands. Grinning, Bucky puts his hand on her shoulder as they approach the small group of Wakandians that wait for them. T'Challa welcomes them smiling, pulling both into a hug. Bucky has to admit that it is a strange feeling for him to be here again after everything he has experienced here and because of his feelings of guilt and debts for their help. But the greeting is so warm that Bucky feels really welcome here.
"I'm getting used to treating white people" Shuri laughs as she greets the couple and is reprimanded directly by her brother, who, however, cannot hide a small grin. But Bucky sees [Y/N]'s wide eyes and grins, almost relieved that there are definitely things that throw his girlfriend off course, no matter how cool she often acts.
"You have to be careful, Shuri. [Y/N]'s usually the cheeky one."
"A little competition can't hurt my sister" laughs T'Challa while Shuri hugs Bucky to welcome him.
"Don't worry, we were able to fix him so you shouldn't be a problem" Shuri then says to [Y/N] that still stands there awkwardly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It becomes quiet in the living area as the first weeks pass by. Sam, Natasha and Steve being together feels awkwardly familiar but even more depressing. It's quiet, almost too quiet, with way less group activities. It's the longest time the three of them have lived together and it makes them even more aware of how much has changed. The big team The Avengers once were is no more, leaving just the three of them and it feels awkward.
As they sit in the living room together, watching some episodes of Top Gear because Bucky infected Steve with it, Steve's phone starts ringing. It's not just any phone but one that only two people have the number for. A phone that he always carries with him but that is only for important incidents. Last time it was ringing, T'Challa said Bucky was ready to come back. Since he's one of the two people that have this number, he knows the call is important. Natasha and Sam just raise their eyebrows at Steve for a second before they turn their attention back to the TV to let Steve handle the call.
As he gets up from his seat, walking to the other end of the room, he feels a knot in his stomach when he reads the number. "Rogers?" he says, the knot in his stomach tightening when he hears the voice on the other end. Natasha's presence is the only reason Steve doesn't repeat the name he has just heard to make sure he's not dreaming and just listens to what he gets told.
Not even five minutes later Steve returns to his friends, his look is stern and worried.
"Who was on the phone?" Natasha asks and when Steve lifts his gaze to look at her, his eyes are full of sadness as well.
"We have a job to do."