Winter ❄️
Louis confuses Harry.
He always has.
Louis is a firecracker, a bomb waiting to go off at any moment. Harry doesn't understand why Louis will drop to his knees for him in the locker room after gym or climb through his window at night just to have someone to sleep next to. Harry doesn't understand why they can touch each other in the dark, on their own, in secret, why they can laugh and smoke and kiss by themselves, but act like they hate each other and fight in front of the boys.
Harry hates only getting bits and pieces of Louis, but he thinks that maybe it's better than nothing. Better than it has been.
Now, Harry's sitting in testing because it's almost the end of the term which means it's almost Louis' birthday and he doesn't know where they stand, let alone if he should buy him a birthday present.
Harry can't focus on this lit test, it's his favorite subject, he thrives in literature, in writing, in reading, and yet he can't bring himself to read any part of this test that determines if he graduates with honors or not. He takes a deep inhale of air and puts his forehead in his hand, forcing his eyes onto the paper.
Question one: What book is this quote from and what does it mean to the story? "Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you. It is unutterable, I cannot live without my life, I cannot live without my soul"
Wuthering Heights, because why would it be anything different? Why would the universe take pity on him now when it's done nothing but hate him since he met that temperamental, short, irritating, ridiculously beautiful-
"Harry," Harry hears the loud whisper of the person that refuses to leave his head during all things important behind him. Along with the voice, he feels something hit the back of his head.
Harry turns around so that hopefully the teacher can't see in the huge lecture hall.
"What?" Harry hisses.
Louis points to the ground where there's a crumpled ball of notebook paper next to his feet. That's what Louis had thrown at him to get his attention. "What?" he whispers again, growing just a little irritated.
"Read it, dumb ass," Louis says playfully.
Harry rolls his eyes, picks up the ball, and opens it expecting to see a crude drawing or something else that would only come from Louis' ridiculous mind. But what he sees is:
Do you want to go to winter formal with me?
Yes Maybe Please?
Harry rereads the note just to make sure he's not going to look like an idiot before he circles an answer, turns back towards Louis, and throws it at him, hitting him square on the top of his head.
Harry turns back around to focus on his test, putting his headphones on so that he can't hear anything around him. He uses all of his energy to finish the test that he's been staring at for the past hour and barely getting anything done. Focus focus focus he tells himself, but really all he can focus on is the fact that Louis wants to go to winter formal with him.
❄️
"What does maybe mean?" Louis says stopping Harry at his locker after the test.
"It means I need to know more," Harry responds tossing his books in and closing it. His head is killing him, and he can't look at the school hallways for another minute.
"The boys and I were talking, and we decided we should all go together since none of us have dates," Louis says with a shrug as he leans against the lockers.
Harry's heart sinks a little bit, he should have known that's what the note meant. That's why he knew he had to circle maybe while his entire body wanted to circle yes, yes, yes. "You mean you aren't going with Mersey?" he says instead.
Louis scoffs and rolls his eyes. "Don't be cheeky, you know I was only messing around with her to make you jealous, she was only with me to waste time,"
"You wanted to make me jealous? I thought you did it to piss me off," Harry says starting to walk down the hallway towards the front doors.
"All the same," Louis says waving him off. "Did it work?"
"Did what work?" Harry asks playing coy.
"Did you get jealous?" Louis asks following next to Harry, trying to keep up with his stride.
"Do you want a ride home or not?" Harry says instead of answering. Louis already knows the answer is yes, Harry was jealous.
"Depends," Louis muses. "Will you go to formal with us?"
"I'll go to formal with you,"
"That's not what I'm offering," Louis counters.
Harry sighs and opens the passenger door to his car for Louis as he's always done. "Yes, I'll go to formal with you and the boys,"
Louis just smiles and gets in the car waiting for Harry to settle in next to him. "Did you see our marks for our project?"
"I did," Harry says driving down the road towards home. "I did a wonderful job,"
"Shove off, I did some of the work," Louis defends.
"You wrote two pages, and I didn't include them when I turned it in. They were shit," Harry says with a light laugh.
"You're shit," Louis says crossing his arms.
"Come on, Lou, you know I did it because I love you," as soon as it's out of his mouth he wishes he could grab it from the air and force it back down into his mouth. Louis tenses and looks out the window. Harry clears his throat and turns the radio up.
"Didn't mean to say that," Harry says after a few awkward moments.
"I know," Louis says too quickly.
It's extremely awkward the rest of the drive to Louis' house. Harry was going to see if Louis wanted him to drop him off down the street like they've been doing here and there so that he can sneak into Harry's room through his window to watch films cuddled up under the blankets in his bed or lay on their bellies on the floor to play scrabble.
It doesn't feel like the time to ask now though, so Harry pulls up to Louis' house and avoids looking at Louis.
"So, I'll see you tomorrow for formal then?" Louis asks avoiding Harry's eyes just as heavily.
"Yeah, are we meeting here?" Harry asks. Louis nods and opens the door, getting out and walking up the drive to his house.
"I'm an idiot," Harry says to himself once Louis is inside. He slams his hands on his steering wheel and hits his head on the seat a few times hoping it'll take him back in time to before he said that he loves Louis. Out loud. To his face. Harry groans at himself before setting off down the road to his own house.
"Hi, love," Anne kisses Harry's cheek as he walks past her in the kitchen. "Niall and Zayn are upstairs,"
"Hi," Harry says solemnly.
"What's the matter?" she asks leaning on the counter.
"Just Louis," he says. "It's nothing,"
"Niall says you're all going to winter formal together?" she asks with an eyebrow raised. "All five of you?"
"Yeah, I just found out today actually," Harry says. "Bit of a short notice, but I assumed I'd go with at least Niall anyway,"
"No date?"
"Mum," Harry whines.
"Alright, I was just asking," she says turning back to the dinner she was making while Harry makes his way upstairs to Niall and Zayn.
"What took you so long?" Zayn asks when he opens the door to his room.
"I like when you're late, your mum talks to us more," Niall adds.
"You're disgusting," Harry says knowing the boys have always loved to make him feel uncomfortable about the way they think his mum is attractive. "I took Louis home after testing,"
"He said you agreed to go to formal as a group?" Zayn asks. Harry sits on the bed next to him and kicks Niall's thigh on the floor below him.
"Yeah, why didn't you tell me about that sooner?" Harry says a little irritated to be on the outside.
"Louis said he wanted to ask you; we didn't think he'd wait till the day before. We thought you two were getting along a little better," Niall says.
"We are," Harry admits. He can't bring himself to tell them what it's been like with them. He's worried if he says anything out loud to him or to anyone else, it'll all go away.
"We haven't been to winter formal as a group since freshman year," Niall says. Even then, you and Louis snuck off on your own before the end of the dance,"
"What can I say, I'm a great sweet talker," Harry says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
"Are you sure you're okay going with Louis?" Zayn asks.
"I'm not going with Louis, we're going as a group," Harry says. "Stop interrogating me and help me figure out what to wear,"
❄️
Harry gets dressed and tries not to be nervous. He shouldn't be nervous, there's no reason for him to be nervous. He and his best mates are going to winter formal together just like they do everything else together. It's not like it's that winter formal that he and Louis parked together and ate chips and got to learn each other for the first time. It isn't like that Harry reminds himself
Harry pulls on his suit jacket smiling at himself in the mirror, knowing Louis will make a comment about how ridiculous it is. The suit is cream-colored with pink flowers and green leaves as a pattern, the jacket matching his trousers. It is ridiculous, but Harry loved it. It's very him.
Harry is in the middle of fixing his hair, getting irritated that it curls the opposite way that he wants and that it ends up looking like a mess. He picks up his phone, defeated by his own hair, and sees that he's missed a text from Louis.
What are you wearing?
Harry catches himself smiling at the message before he thinks about how to reply.
Wouldn't you like to know ;)
He finally decides on.
L: At least tell me the color, dickhead
H: Pink
L: Of course, it is
H: Why?
L: Don't want to be matching you, do I?
Harry sighs, wishing the conversation went somewhere else, wishing that Louis didn't shut down at the end, but he's supposed to be letting him go. He promised Louis he would try to let him go.
Harry runs the comb through his hair one more time before going downstairs to let his mum take a few pictures of him before they're on their way to Louis' house so that her and Jay can make the boys stand together and take a thousand photos before they get to leave for formal.
"Harry, thank God, Jay made me take a picture holding Niall, please help," Liam says when Harry walks in the door with his mum. "What are you wearing?"
"A suit?" Harry says holding his lapels and looking down at his trousers "You don't like it?"
Harry never gets to hear Liam's response because Louis is grabbing his hand and pulling him into the kitchen away from the boys and their mums.
"What are you wearing?" Louis asks once they're by themselves and he gets a good look at him.
"Why does everyone keep asking that?" Harry whines. "I thought it was nice,"
"It is," Louis says quickly. "You've always been good at standing out,"
Harry tries to hide his blush and bite back his smile.
"Anyway, I have something for you," Louis says a tad embarrassed now that he's actually saying it. Harry watches him turn around and grab a box from the fridge.
"What's this?" Harry asks as Louis puts the box in Harry's hands so Louis can open it.
"It feels a bit silly now, but it's, um, it's a boutonniere," Louis says pulling it out of the box and handing it to Harry who is busy smiling like an idiot.
"You bought me a boutonniere?" he asks.
"Yes," Louis huffs. "You like over-the-top rubbish like that, so here," he says pressing it into Harry's hand.
"Put it on me," Harry says holding it out to Louis.
"Really, H?" Louis sighs.
"Please?" Harry asks. "Just for old times' sake?"
Louis takes the flowers and the pin and attaches it carefully to Harry's lapel. Harry watches the way Louis pulls his eyebrows together and the way his tongue pokes out between his lips and the way his eyelashes look like they never end when they flutter against his cheeks when he blinks and the way his face scrunches when he pokes himself with the pin.
"Ow, shit," Louis curses and puts his thumb up to his mouth to stop the bleeding.
"I'll get it," Harry laughs as he finishes pinning it on. Louis leads the way back to the entryway with the rest of the boys and Harry follows a few steps behind just so they don't look suspicious, he doesn't want to have to explain anything to them.
"There you are," Anne says taking Harry's arm and pushing him into the line next to Louis. "Put your arms around each other and smile," Jay says holding up a camera. The boys hook their arms around each other and smile as wide as they can so that Jay and Anne will let them go. Harry feels Louis squeeze his hip once and it feels like something more is between them in the air tonight.
❄️
Winter formal is more or less a few hours for hormonal teenagers to grind all over each other and sneak alcohol in when the chaperones aren't looking. Harry doesn't like the crowds of people that get too close to him.
Harry hides out at the table he and the boys claimed when they got there and eats cake and drinks punch that he thinks Niall keeps spiking every time he comes over to check on him.
Harry tries not to, but he gets lost in the memories of winter formals past. He sees memories frozen in time of Louis and him on the dancefloor making fools of themselves with made-up dance moves, trying to outdo each other.
He sees Louis tucked into his neck as Harry holds him so close as they sway to slow songs, softly singing in each other's ears, softly saying sweet words only meant for the other to hear. He sees them being happy together before it all went to shit and before they sit in a hazy fog not knowing what's up and what's down.
"Dance with us, H," Niall says as he and Louis come up to him at their table.
"You owe us like two songs," Louis says. Harry would protest, but Niall is looking at him with his big puppy dog eyes and Louis is standing here offering his hand to Harry.
So, Harry gets up to dance because he can't bring himself to say no to anything these boys ask. Louis leads him over to the boys and they come up with the most ridiculous moves that they can think of together.
They gain a bit of an audience and pretend they're in a boyband when NSYNC comes on through the speakers and they come up with moves to impress the crowds. Harry feels quite like an idiot, but he's an idiot with four of the greatest people he has ever met.
Louis looks at Harry like he's the only person in the room and Harry stays close to Louis through their performance, following him when he gets too far and swooning when Louis smiles at him. It's his Harry smile, his smile just for him, Harry thinks to himself.
Eventually, Harry sneaks away and gets lost in a few conversations with some of the chaperones including Mr. Rochester about his world-famous dance moves. It's embarrassing really, but how can you say no to those four? He responds with. He really could care less about what they have to say, but it gets him brownie points for class and away from being forced to play Justin Timberlake for longer than he has to.
Harry entertains the conversations with head nods and smiles as the chaperones come and go. He looks out into the crowds of people, trying to find the boys. Niall is over by the snack table, Liam is slow dancing with a junior named Maya, and Zayn is nowhere to be found. Harry assumes he's snuck out to smoke behind the school.
Harry's heart sinks to his stomach when he sees Louis dancing with Mersey. He sees her laughing and he thinks he could cry when he sees her smile at her. He sees him give her his smile. His Harry smile. Harry thought that he had felt something change between them recently. He thought that he felt like they could fix this with time but seeing the way he smiles at her makes him feel like he doesn't really know anything at all.
Harry tries to ignore it; he looks away and avoids that section of the gym at all costs. He tries to enthrall himself in the conversation with Mr. Rochester about his project on Wuthering Heights, but he's distracted, and everything feels like it goes on for hours.
Just when Harry is bored out of his mind and stuck too deep in a conversation to walk away, he sees the sunshine popping through the crowd and walking right over to him and Mr. Rochester.
"Dance with me," Louis says as he walks up to Harry and offers his hand. "Just one song,"
It's not a question, and Harry knows that there's no chance of him getting out of it, so instead of fighting, he takes Louis' hand and is led to the dancefloor. The DJ changes the song and Bedrock blasts through the speakers, and Harry thinks that this is yet another sick joke played on him because Louis had asked him to dance, and this is the song that comes on for their one moment of maybe getting to be normal together.
"Do you want to make the joke or should I?" Harry says when people start moving around them and the floor turns into nothing less than a grind circle. Harry really wishes he had put up more of a fight at the table now.
"You can make a joke, or you can let me dance on you, so we aren't the only two people out here standing like idiots," Louis says and so Harry pulls Louis close by his hips and Louis lets him.
Harry puts his hand on Louis' bicep and the other on his hip trying to concentrate on dancing and not the way Louis is looking at him with dark eyes and pressing closer to him. Harry moves a bit closer to Louis careful not to overstep.
"Is this alright?" he asks and Louis smiles and nods.
Louis lets Harry take control for a moment which is never something he used to do; Harry had begun to think that Louis was something of a control freak. Louis loses patience with Harry fast, as usual, and turns around quickly, putting both of Harry's hands low on his hips and pressing their bodies together. Too close together. Harry feels like he forgot how to breathe.
Louis presses closer until he can feel Harry's breath on the back of his neck and sways his hips against Harry listening for the little sigh that he's working for falling from Harry's lips.
Suddenly Harry can't take it. His body physically can't take Louis, so he grips Louis' hips to still his movements and Louis leans his head back on Harry's shoulder. "Stop doing that to me or we're going to have a problem,"
Louis pushes back into Harry with a devilish smile. "I don't know if you remember this about me, but I'm a really good problem solver,"
Harry thinks about the way he smiled at Mersey just a little bit ago. He thinks of the way he gave away the smile that was supposed to belong to just Harry like it was nothing. He feels sick. "I can't do this," Harry mumbles. He lets go of Louis and walks through the crowds to find the restroom. Harry splashes his face with water tries to forget the way he means nothing to Louis.
He waits for two songs to finish before he walks out of the bathroom in a hurry to get back to his table, but he runs right into Mersey and knocks her off her feet. In an attempt to catch her before she falls, he ends up face-first on the ground next to her.
"Harry, what the hell is wrong with you?" She says scrabbling to get up and fix her dress.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" He counters quietly.
"What are you on about?" She says irritated but still offers her hand to help him up.
"Nothing," he grumbles getting up by himself and ignoring her hand.
"Is this about Louis?" she asks with a tightlipped smile.
Fuck off he wants to say. "What about Louis?" he says instead.
"Nothing at all, H," she says with a lilt in her voice, like she wants him to take the bait.
He does because it's Louis and he can't help himself. "What is it, Mersey?"
"I said it was nothing, I was just helping him get lipstick off his collar, that's all," she says, and Harry sees red.
"What the hell does that mean," he asks through gritted teeth. I will not yell at her, I will not yell at her, I will not yell at her. Becomes his mantra.
"I don't kiss and tell," she says walking by him. "Unless it's with you, of course,"
Harry tears off his jacket, walks down the hall, and screams into it. He hadn't even thought to look at Louis' collar when they were dancing, but he did notice that Louis was sweaty and maybe he did smell like perfume. Maybe Harry was making that up though. He feels like he can't think straight, so instead, he walks back into the gym and stands on the far side of the room, absolutely fuming.
Harry tries to calm himself down while he hides alone in his little corner. He makes himself feel a little better until Harry hears Shania Twain's voice and You're Still the One comes on over the speakers. This is Louis' favorite song. His too. Or it was their favorite song. Now it just hurts a little bit to listen to. Harry sinks deeper into his corner and feels sorry for himself.
Louis searches the entire room for Harry after requesting a song to the DJ, when he finally finds him, stuffed into a little corner on the far side of the room, Harry looks like he could kill Louis if given the chance. Still, Louis walks up to him.
"One more dance?" Louis says offering Harry his hand. "I promise it'll be the last one I ask for,"
Harry stares at him in disbelief for a moment, but takes his hand anyway, telling himself it's so he can check for lipstick stains on Louis' collar for himself.
"Good song," Harry says when Louis spins him around once before resting a hand on his hip and the other in Harry's own hand. "Oh, so you're leading this dance?"
"I thought I deserved to for once. Now put your hand on my shoulder, yeah?" Louis says with a light laugh and so Harry does.
"I think this is where it all went wrong," Harry comments as Louis starts to sway them to the music.
"Shh, your favorite song is playing," Louis says and then sees the hurt look on Harry's face. "You were nowhere to be found, what were you doing in the corner?"
"I hate the crowds," Harry lies.
"And?" Louis asks sensing there's more to this story.
"And I saw you dance with her," Harry admits because it's easier than keeping it in with Louis' eyes fixed on him.
"With Mersey?" Louis asks.
"Yes," Harry says.
"So?" Louis shrugs. "It was just a dance,"
"She said it was more," Harry says in a small voice.
"You can't believe a word she says," Louis tells him.
"Except when it's true," Harry counters.
"It's not," Louis says firmly. "She asked me to dance, so I did. Why does it matter?"
Harry's cheeks go red. "I don't like the thought of her lipstick getting on you,"
"Why not?" Louis pushes, he already knows the answer, but he wants Harry to admit it.
"Don't make me say it, Lou," Harry pleads.
Louis just waits. Harry sighs in defeat. "Because I can't help but get jealous of thinking of you sleeping with someone other than me, alright?"
"Follow me," Louis says taking the hand that's holding Harry's, lacing their fingers together, and quickly pulling Harry towards the auditorium next door.
"What are you doing?" Harry asks, running next to Louis up the stairs and into the soundbox at the top.
Louis locks the door behind him. "You said you get jealous thinking of me with someone else, so I'm being with you,"
Louis crowds Harry against the wall and kisses him. Harry gets lost in him completely as he undoes Louis' shirt and lets Louis do the same. The back of his mind is yelling at him to stop, but he can barely hear it over Louis' soft sighs as Harry sucks on his jaw and pulls his shirt off his shoulders.
Harry leads Louis backward and picks him up to set him on the counter by the controls, kissing his mouth, his neck, his chest as he undresses him. As he forgets how to think of anything, but the way Louis' hands feel on his back and the way he says Harry's name.
"Harry," Louis sighs, Harry hums as he presses a hot kiss to Louis' mouth. "Do you want me?"
"Want you so much," Harry says and that's all Louis needs to be all over him like they never skipped a beat.
❄️
Harry pulls the painter's tarp that they found under the desk up over Louis' hips as they lay on the floor sharing wet, sloppy kisses and catching their breath. Harry plays with Louis' hair the way he knows he likes.
"H?"
"Hm?" Harry hums back.
"Why'd you let me fuck you?" he asks.
"Why kind of question is that?" Harry asks sitting up on his elbow.
"A genuine one," Louis says sitting up with Harry. "I've been so mean to you this year and I've played mind games with you and I've done and said terrible things, why do you let me do whatever I want to you?"
"Because I hurt you when we broke up," Harry says.
"That is a cheap answer, and you know it. Tell me something real for once," Louis says pulling his boxers back on.
"That is real," Harry defends getting irritated. "Stop calling me fake, I've been nothing but real with you,"
"For fucks sake Harry, be honest with yourself, be honest with me," Louis says throwing Harry's clothes at him.
"Fine, I let you do whatever you want because I'm an idiot and I'm still in love with you, Louis. Is that what you want?" Harry says pulling his clothes on, frustrated and feeling a bit used.
"Why? Because I make you do embarrassing things and make you cry in the middle of the library? Or because I get you off in a tent next to our best mates? Or is it because I'm a pain in your ass most of the time?" Louis spits back.
"Yes, Louis, all of that," Harry says and then freezes. "You heard me," Harry says quietly. "You were awake?"
"Yes, I was awake," Louis says.
"Why didn't you say anything? Do you just like it when I make a fool out of myself for you? Do you like watching me fall on my face because I'm so caught up in being in love with someone that hates me?" Harry says, anger bubbling out of his mouth.
"I don't hate you, Harry, I could never hate you," Louis softens.
"Then why treat me like this?" Harry yells.
"Because we aren't good together, you have to let me go, and being mean to you is the only way to make you!" Louis yells back.
"Obviously that isn't fucking working!" Harry screams back in Louis' face.
"Obviously!" Louis says trying to reach Harry's height. "I hate being mean to you, but you're relentless!"
"You just fucked me, what do you mean I'm relentless? I didn't start that!" Harry says crowding Louis into the wall.
"Well, I'm sorry, I got distracted!" Louis says trying to push Harry back but failing.
"Then just be my boyfriend," Harry says holding Louis' wrists so he can't push him.
"You sound ridiculous,"
"You bought me flowers, you danced with me, you initiated all of this," Harry reasons. "Just try again with me, we can be good together,"
"We aren't, Harry," Louis says softer.
"I'm sorry, did you just miss the past forty-five minutes?" Harry asks.
"I'm not talking about sex," Louis says with an eye roll.
"Be my boyfriend,"
"No," Louis says.
"Be my boyfriend, Louis," Harry says sternly, and Louis actually laughs.
"No," he says trying to suppress his laughter. "You sound stupid,"
"Come on, Lou, why not?" Harry asks.
"Because we just hurt each other," Louis reasons.
"I won't hurt you if you don't hurt me," Harry says and matches Louis' smile. "I'm serious. When we're good, we're so good. Give me one more chance,"
Louis searches Harry's face and thinks about his proposition. "I want to take it slow,"
"As slow as you want, baby," Harry says.
"I'm serious," Louis warns. "I don't want to jump right into it like we always do, that's how we get messed up and why we break up all the time, it's exhausting,"
"I will give you and do whatever you want," Harry nods along with Louis' words. "Promise,"
"I'm serious, Harry," Louis repeats.
"So serious," Harry agrees. Harry watches Louis search his face and think about his answer. This is how it always goes; this is the moment that it works out.
"Take me home then," Louis sighs.
"Why?" Harry asks with his eyebrows pulled together.
"So that I can sneak in your window and sleep next to my boyfriend tonight," Louis says trying to hide a smile.
So, Harry and Louis sneak past the boys and leave in Harry's car on their way to his house hoping that it's late enough that his mum will be asleep or she'll be out with her boyfriend knowing Harry won't be home until late.
"I want to take you somewhere first," Harry says before they make it to their neighborhood. He makes a right turn and circles back around.
"Love McDonald's," Louis laughs as Harry orders chips and cokes for both of them and drives off again.
Harry makes a few more turns and gets off the highway. "I know where you're taking me," Louis grins.
Harry matches his smile and takes his hand. "I know you do,"
Harry parks in their secret spot that they found first when they were younger and then again when they first realized that they should be together. The first time they made love, not knowing what it really meant at the time but knowing it was special for them both.
They don't talk. They don't have to. They just sit and listen to the radio while eating soggy chips and humming along to the songs that play. Harry puts the child locks on the window so Louis can't throw the rubbish out, but he still tries.
"Lou?"
"Hm?"
"I love you,"
Harry doesn't wait for Louis to answer, too scared that the answer would be not yet or we're taking it slow. Harry refuses to quiet his feelings from Louis, life is far too short not to tell him everything he feels, far too short not to do everything he wants to do.
So, instead of waiting for Louis to respond, he tips Louis' chin up with two fingers and kisses him sweet and slow.
It's Louis that catches the back of Harry's neck when he tries to pull away and closes the space between them just like the first time. Slow and exploratory. Sweet and needy. Harry and Louis.