The serenity only lasted while Remus and Severus had each other in sight, once finally accommodated in his new bedroom and past the first few nights catching up with Sirius with sincere joy, Remus finally started to cool down from all the external turmoil. Maybe he had - at last - assimilated that he wasn't in danger there, Severus certainly made a good job scaring him about how much they wouldn't have mercy. Not that Remus needed a reminder, the empty chairs Lily and James left behind spoke for themselves. But now he was undoubtedly starting to give in the sorrow.
The days passed slowly and Remus caught himself wondering if Snape was also thinking of him. There was still some hope left on his heart, that one day he'd wake up and receive a letter from his ex-lover telling him that they should be together again, that he wanted him back. Even Sirius, who was unaware of their romance, noticed Remus took his time to unpack his things, almost as if he was waiting for something to finally complete a task he'd normally perform on the same day of his arrival.
On the day Remus found himself to be strong enough to finish his last suitcase, he was about to organize a pile of books and boxed items when he felt a heaviness in his chest. He knew this box was still to be taken care of, he knew this moment would come. And yet, tears instantly started to roll down his cheeks at the sight of the discrete black box where his collar was.
"It is yours to give" He remembered Severus saying those words to him. Snape was trying to act composed but deep down they both knew the idea of Remus being collared by someone else was crushing
Remus opened the box carefully, later caressing the edges of his leather collar. Just the memory of their last full moon made Lupin sob like a little cub.
At first, Sirius was indeed being casually mean whenever mentioning Snape in their conversations, but after so many nights wandering around the house and catching muffled crying sounds from Remus' bedroom, he started to understand maybe Severus wasn't simply acting out of courtesy by offering his house to Remus. There was something in the way Remus flinched and went silent every time Severus was the subject that made Black finally understand there was something Remus wasn't telling him.
Sirius suspected they were involved from the time he was sneaking into Hogwarts. Whenever he searched for Remus, it was difficult to find a moment where Snape wasn't there or in his way to be. The idea was too disgusting to him, so he never asked about it, he tried not to care to a certain extent, he needed Lupin's help and trust back. And now that he had it, Sirius was making up his mind about starting to make questions. They were best friends after all, and Lupin was certainly getting worse as the next full moon approached, maybe being more open would help him feel better.
It was not like Black to think too much before saying things in conversation, but for this particular subject, he wanted to have some things minimally rehearsed. He believed himself to be completely incapable of being ok with anyone, yet again his best friend, being with Snape. He knew he'd fail in that aspect, so he didn't bother thinking about how to cover it up. What he really wanted was to make sure Remus didn't think his disgust was due to the fact Severus was a man. Remus had always been pretty secretive about his preferences, had been like this since school. James and Peter never noticed, but to Sirius, it was actually strange that a sweet handsome young wizard like their Remus never had a boyfriend. He'd go out and even eventually date girls, but whenever he was looking around, wasn't at them who his eyes landed first.
Sirius even remembers a particular conversation they had in six-year right before they went to the common hall. Remus notified him that he'd be sitting at the Hufflepuff table with this girl, and future girlfriend, named Dilys.
"I'll have dinner with her and her friends but I'll make up to you guys tomorrow after we're done studying," Remus said as they walked
"She seems pretty nice, but Rem... aren't you... searching for, you know... something else?" Sirius tried to ask
Remus took a moment to answer, which was carved on Sirius' memory as an indicator he knew what the question was all about.
"She's not entirely my type, I guess. But she is so nice to be around and her hair smells like camomille. And I mean, she is so smart, her essays are impressive" Remus said in a dismissive way at first, but also remembering why he was having dinner with her
"As long as you're happy that's all that matters," Sirius said with a smile in the corner of his mouth while giving his friend a little tap on the shoulder. Remus was too sweet to exist, this girl also had the most beautiful proportions of the Hufflepuff six-year table on his account, but no, Remus was impressed by her homework.
"I am" Remus said firmly, he wasn't lying at all
Their dynamics at the Greenwald Place weren't too functional at first. They were two broken individuals, so Sirius and Remus tried to help each other in the way they could. Sirius was still very underweight for his height, and he sometimes would snap and dwell in some light delusions. Remus was concerned about it, but spending this long in such a horrible place certainly would contribute to anyone finding refuge in his own mind. Sometimes Sirius had a hard time distinguishing between a conversation they had or a dream. Or even a conversation he had with his imaginary Remus in his mind. Lupin didn't have the slightest idea how to treat this or if it even had a treatment. But he noticed those gaps of his lucid consciousness were easily broken by making Sirius do a simple chore or talking to him. Black wanted to be back to reality, maybe his imagination simply had too much muscle memory due to isolation.
Sirius would be awfully embarrassed when caught speaking to himself or others in his internal conversations. He had always been a little odd, a little disruptive in his attitude, but he never showed any predisposition to mental illness. Not like Lupin, who everybody knew that if he let his guard down, he'd probably deal with depression at some point.
One day, close to noon, Remus was trying to find Sirius to let him know lunch was ready. Remus was so distracted by his own thoughts about what to cook next that he didn't hear Sirius muttering things from inside his bedroom. The werewolf simply entered and soon after seeing his friend and understanding the situation, approached him apologetically.
"Hey, hey, it's ok, it's ok... I'm here, talk to me instead" Remus said while walking slowly toward Sirius. He had caught him gesticulating with his hand and mumbling something that could make perfect sense if there was indeed another person there with him
"You must think I'm a lost cause by now," Sirius said looking down and accepting the invitation to stand with Remus by the window to catch some air
"By now? How about that time you volunteered to drink my potion after the time was up in class, although you knew I got it all wrong? I mean, you never stood a chance after that" Remus mused smiling ever so slightly with the memory
"The things we do for friends, right? And you should be thanking me! You didn't repeat the subject because I managed to throw up only five minutes later"
"Never thought I'd be so grateful for having a friend that made all the trashcans in Hogsmead fear for their lives" Remus teased, Sirius had indeed a very resistant stomach
"You are so full of filth, Remus, you know it was only the candy shop's trash!"
This was the good thing about Sirius, he was always eager to turn the switch, to recenter himself. He was restless into trying to have a good time and enjoying every little thing he had back in his life. Remus admired that deeply on him, had he been the one in Azkaban, he'd probably never get out as himself. The Dementors would corrupt his soul probably in the first month or two. But not Sirius Black, it would maybe take another thirteen years to dilute his essence into something manageable inside that foul place.
If Sirius had his own glow like a constellation of stars that shone in a golden irreverent way, Lupin was the silver light from the moon. His existence was solemn, melancholic, poetic, and beautiful. His movements were long and predictable but no one ever looked away, awaiting their completion. When deep inside his blues, his inner thoughts moved around almost like a specter in the water, the opposite of Black's who was sharp and surprising at all time.
They had a glimpse of this contrast some weeks after Lupin's arrival. It had been raining for days, the sky was a thick fog of grey clouds in the early mornings. Lupin liked it somehow, feeling the weather understood him on a spiritual level although it only made him more introspected and miserable, given the recent events. Sirius, on the other side, was pacing around the house, agitated, nervous, because rain only reinforced they couldn't go out. And he hated that. He was infuriated and was almost turning into a dog to walk himself in the neighborhood, even if it meant coming back with wet fur and possibly catching the flu.
Sirius was in the living room, the luxurious dark green wallpaper never failed to make his house look a little like a palace. And he hated to admit that yes, it was nicely decorated, although it didn't have much to do with his personal taste. He was about to invite Lupin to play chess with him, but he froze still in his armchair when he heard his friend crying, this time without muffling it for a good moment.
"Remus, what am I going to do with you, you know I'm terrible at this" he muttered to himself as he tiptoed his way to him
Didn't occur to Sirius about knocking, to him, if there is someone crying you have to enter and do something to comfort the person. He was completely unaware that Lupin dreaded been seen like this, especially because of the reason he was crying.
The werewolf was going through some clothes they would leave to the house-elf to wash after the rain stopped. And in the process, he found the shirt he had slept with in the last night at Spinner's End. It still had Snape's scent on it. Lupin was having a hard time that day, he had switched his mood so many times through it that he was exhausted, all his thoughts were too loud and too sad to process. He felt abandoned, like Snape had unleashed him in the middle of a dangerous dark forest and left him there to find his own way back.
"Maybe he was just sick of you being such a burden" An internal voice kept whispering to the werewolf
This made him curl more in bed, he knew Sirius was there at the door but he wasn't facing him.
Remus heard a glass sound and a spell.
"Aguamenti" Black said in a low tone. He soon sat down by his side in bed, bending one leg indicating he wasn't going anywhere before speaking to him
"I don't want you to see me like this" Remus said in a weak way
"Remus honestly it's past the time I ask you about this, so please forget for a moment that Snape and I hate each other and that he tried to kill me and that I can't stand his guts, and just tell me... Did you guys... break up? Were you too living together, you know, together? Is that it?" Sirius asked almost exasperated, he wasn't someone too good with words
Remus didn't react too well to it, he let out a little sob and Sirius punched himself internally. He wished he could be a little more sensitive for the sake of his friends. James could be this person, but he wasn't here now.
"Yes, yes... it's all true" Remus managed to answer
"Well, how did that happen?" Sirius asked, but he wasn't mean, he toned down his voice in a friendly interest
"He started brewing the Wolfsbane for me and a few months in I didn't take it all and transformed in the woods. I got really bruised but he found me and took care of me" Remus' voice was cracking midway through his speech and Sirius was surprised to hear Snape had a heart. "He wanted to make improvements to it, make it suit me better, so we met more and it just happened. Sirius... do you feel that too? That canine need to... nevermind, he understood that without me needing to say it" Remus said that last part in a low tone, it was clear it was a secret buried deep down on him
Sirius was now shocked. He had never, ever, spoken about that to anyone. Not even James back in the day. Yes, he also felt some deep need to be by someone's side. Even if not romantically or sexually, it was a loyalty thing for him. Ever since he became an animagus and bonded with that part of himself, Sirius had always felt a need to feel half of a whole in something that requested devotion from his part. And to think that Remus had that with Severus, that Snape actually understood it, made Black strangely happy. For the first time, he knew this level of understanding was a possibility with someone else.
"I mean, thank you for telling me, Rem... we can talk about it anytime, but... I was actually referring to why aren't you together anymore? What happened?" Sirius asked
To Remus, this question was an act of kindness because it implied Severus wouldn't break up with him, that he had no reason to. That it must have been something Remus didn't like and decided it was not for him.
"It's complicated" Lupin replied, not being ready to edit the truth without giving away Snape's secret at that moment. "We broke up once before, but now... now there is no coming back. I just feel so..." Remus said in a low tone, trying to contain his tears
Sirius did the only thing he could think of, he sat very close to Remus and rubbed his covered arm in a soothing motion. He knew Remus probably needed more contact but Sirius was afraid he'd take it the wrong way. Sirius could be slow on reading others but Remus is usually a touchy person and he had been keeping some distance in the past two days.
"Did he do something bad to you?" Remus inhaled deeper under the blanket he had on him as an answer. "I'm your friend, I'd ask this regardless of who you were dating," Sirius added while Remus went on crying in a muffled way under the covers. He tried to sound neutral, but the idea Snape hurt Remus' feelings made him really angry
"The first time y-yes... but I hurt him too. But now it was something else, it's best this way, we know that" Remus said in a lament
"Give yourself some time, it's a recent thing. And you're an awesome guy, anyone would be lucky to have you as a companion" Sirius tried to remember how on Earth to comfort someone going through a tough break up but they didn't have too many prisoners in the same situation for the last thirteen years of his life in Azkaban
"I'm not sure about that" Remus replied
Sirius sighed a bit more loudly than he would have wanted.
"Just leave me alone, ok?" Remus said right after it, hating that he was actually bothering his friend. He didn't want to explain himself to anyone
"Oh if I could... you know I'd love to free you from this" Sirius said back
"Lycanthropy has no cure" Remus said bluntly, this sentence had been echoing his mind for a lifetime
"No, Remus I'm not talking about you being a werewolf" Sirius was a little surprised to finally see Remus facing him. It was intimidating, but Sirius had to complete it now. "Lycanthropy makes you suffer, I know that, but this... thing inside of you, this thing wants you dead. It makes you believe you are hard to love, but you are really not. Everybody likes you in a matter of minutes, everybody likes to talk to you, Harry adores you I'm sure he does. I've heard bits of your classes and I've never heard quills going so fast during this subject. And of course, I'm so happy to have you here. When I heard your voice at Hogwarts it was the first time I was truly happy after so long. I know you're depressed about what had been happening, makes perfect sense. But a lot of people love having you around, me included, ok?"
This was so different than the type of comfort Remus was used to receiving from Severus. Snape was subtle, he'd place a blanket around him carefully, allowed more room for expressing depressing thoughts, all his words were calculated. He'd lift his spirits in a slow ascend. Sirius, well, he'd always been more of the type to punch supporting words right in your face. He didn't have the level of psychological understanding Severus had over Remus, but sometimes, it's good to receive support from someone who is not too kind and understanding of your misery, Remus noticed. It's nice to know you're valid, but this makes it harder to leave that comfortable- uncomfortable place you're at. Not nearly as pleasant as being understood deeply, even maybe a bit annoying, but being lift up by a friend's tough love made him feel better that day.
In an attempt to have a little celebration about being both safe and reunited after so many years, they decided to throw a party for two on a random Tuesday night. Remus thought Sirius was actually doing great on socializing with him after so many years speaking to walls. The werewolf sometimes forgot to take it easy on him, Sirius seemed to have lost the little he had of understanding subtleness in conversation and actions. Very different than living with someone who can access your mind accidentally here and there.
They had their personal favorites that night, some snacks, sweets, and obviously, all they could find of bottled alcohol around the house. And to Remus' surprise, even though the place had been unoccupied for a good while, the scotch and wine were in good conditions.
"Why didn't you ever mention your house when we were in school? This place is amazing" Remus asked him while bringing some food to the center table in front of the couch. Sirius was taking care of the music and Remus smiled to himself when a muggle rockband started to sound around the living room
"Oh the place itself is great, it was just very poorly inhabited, that's why" he answered, finally throwing himself loudly on the couch. "It is much nicer without my family here"
"This band is really good" Remus said while opening a white wine for himself and pouring it in a glass
"From all the things I missed in that place, I can tell my collection of vinyl was one of the hardest ones. Wasn't even sure they'd be here"
Sirius poured his whisky in a glass with ice cubes and they finally toasted.
"To old friends" They said one after the other
The night went very nicely, their conversations and every time louder laughs brought some life back to the house. It seemed forever since they had something like this, in the end, it is the little things that make life worth it.
In the course of the following hours, the two wizards, who had been treating each other still with some reservations in physical proximity, seemed to finally get over this boundary. The truth is that Sirius was so touch starved that he would gladly accept any kind of hugging and resting on the couch with his head on Remus' shoulder or lap. Maybe it was indeed a canine thing to wish for. The only reason he hadn't asked for more was that Remus had been avoiding physical contact and wearing bigger clothes at home, seemed like he wanted to forget about hugging and touching in conversation. And just because Sirius was honest to himself about wanting more contact, didn't mean he wasn't a little prideful.
By the second half of Lupin's wine the alcohol had gotten into his internal filter and Sirius, who wasn't even counting his shots of whiskey anymore, went on asking whatever came to his mind. To their surprise, they ended up talking about Severus, but Remus didn't seem sad about it.
"So how was it?" Sirius asked when Lupin was saying they used to go to the room of requirement
"What do you mean?" Lupin replied innocently
"What do you mean, what do you mean? The sex, of course" Sirius asked almost annoyed he had to explain
Remus took a moment, a drunken moment to assimilate that his best friend was actually asking him how sex with his high school nemesis was.
"Oh, well..." Remus said blushing all of a sudden. "It was... intense. Honestly, the best lover I've ever had, he just knew what to do with me" Remus said placing his hand on the back of his neck
"Speaking of which..." Sirius was the one who got shy this time around. "You said the other day, about having a... different need. You're a punk Remus, I've never had the courage to say it to anyone, but I think I have something similar too. Being an animagus and all that"
"Really? How does that work for you? Took me a long time to let him get closer to me after I transform. It's not every month but... sometimes it's like my body is burning, I don't know, I just have to... touch, be touched. And he does this thing that he is very smooth, very respectful and all, but when you see it, he is holding your writs, slapping you, lots of things happening everywhere, and I'm muttering the lewdest things back to him. And he is so careful afterwards, he always brings me back... I get very carried away, it's so much to process, even when I was top"
Remus refrained from speaking, embarrassed to death. He got a bit too honest, maybe. Maybe, just maybe, telling his friend he was mostly a bottom and that Severus fucked him good was too much information. Sirius was listening in shock, interest, and amusement, all wrapped together in a thick layer of embarrassment. But nonetheless, it was nice to be able to talk about it.
"I guess I was right all along, then!" Sirius announced still with his cheeks slightly red from the topic and drinking. "We are both part canines, but wolves... always thought they were far more sexual than dogs. I... well, I feel this thing about being faithful, loyal, to someone you know? And for the things you let out so far, I can tell you two were very.... I don't know, elaborate? About sex. I'm more of a right here, right now, instinct, don't think too much guy. I'm not so sophisticated. Maybe it's a dog thing" he finished this last part laughing
"Well that explains a lot" Remus said in a mischievous way looking at him as an entire series of events came through his memory
Sirius was still laughing but now he clearly thought about something funnier.
"Oh just tell me already!" Remus said giving him a slap and a little push in the shoulder, already starting to laugh too
"What if this has nothing to do with it anyway? I mean, maybe I'm just needy and you are just kinky as fuck"
They both laughed really hard, Remus was almost breathless and Sirius was a lost cause crunching in the couch.
"You thought I was a saint, I suppose. I just never said much because I didn't want to freak you guys out" Remus said still laughing
"My God, Remus, why would it freak us out? I saw you as a werewolf before Mister Wrist Holder ever knew how to make Wolfsbane and you're afraid to say you're gay?" Sirius asked in amused disbelief. "It was never a problem, I suspected, James was clueless but he wouldn't mind"
"I wasn't lying to you guys, I mean it! I like both, actually. I really liked the girls I dated and went out with. I was far more open about it to myself when I finished school, that's all. But that's nice to know. I figured you wouldn't mind, considering... I was actually concerned about James" Remus felt Sirius tensed up a little, he remembered too
There was this one and only time that they were studying at the library during school, it was late at night, no one was there. They were in a corner, Remus was almost finished with his essay. They had been feeling this different vibe for a while. They always looked at each other when they laughed in a group, they were more touchy and Sirius was giving him clues on getting little things out of his clothes all the time. They agreed to study together, just the two of them. Remus was anxious to finish that last paragraph because he knew maybe something would happen.
Remus wasn't sure, he knew he wanted to kiss Sirius, he was just so handsome. But he didn't have romantic feelings for him, he was afraid to hurt his feelings since Sirius was always so rough around the edges with everyone, and with him, he had been nicer.
Young Sirius had no idea of what he really wanted out of this. Maybe he wanted to kiss his friends? Or run away and deny it like nothing had ever crossed his mind if Remus gave the smallest rejecting sign. Remus was the only guy he'd ever want to kiss. He didn't want to have sex with him, that would be too strange, they were friends. And maybe his attraction to males didn't quite make the cut but even so, Remus was appealing. His presence was the most soothing and reassuring thing he could think of.
"Is... ugh, is this ok?" Sirius asked him while holding his friend's hand after Remus had closed his book. They exchanged looks and Remus gave him his so awaited discrete smile
Remus nodded and leaned closer to him, almost doing all the motion to shorten their distance. The kiss was shy, a little messy, almost apologetic. Remus thought he had done something wrong after a brief moment when Sirius broke their connection and mumbled something in the lines of "Wait, this is not it", more to himself than to Remus. He seemed confused.
However, Remus remembers very fondly that Sirius stared intensely at him but instead of kissing him again, he held Remus' gently and they brushed their faces close, touching the foreheads. Then, Sirius kissed him on the side of his cheek. Never to do it again.
Now back to the living room, they were silent for long seconds until Remus spoke again.
"I was never sure what you meant that day... at the library. But now that you told me, I can even remember it was after you all discovered how to become animagi and, makes sense" Remus said quietly
"I didn't understand it by then either, Remus. I just wanted you to know I... I don't know... cared for you? Maybe I thought about kissing because I didn't know how else to express that. I wanted you to know you had my friendship, company, loyalty, that I was there for you, you know"
"So you kissed me" Remus teased, trying to make this moment a little bit less awkward
"You kissed me! You came closer" Sirius replied, glad Remus seemed comfortable with the memory
"Oh please, you kissed me later, for that matter, I wasn't even expecting it" Remus replied
"Anyway, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings after that, Rem. I had no clue what was going on with me" Sirius said avoiding his eyes. He sounded guilty, like something he'd been keeping to himself for too long
"What are you talking about? I thought maybe I was guilty of that, it's funny now but I couldn't sleep thinking I made you uncomfortable for a while" Remus said taking his hand from the gap they had between the two seats on the couch
"Wow, no, no... I hum... enjoyed it. When we got it right afterwards, I really liked it" Sirius said shyly, referring to their platonic proximity after the awkward kiss
"It was the first time I kissed a boy, to be honest. I knew I liked them already, but well... you were the first guy I ever kissed" Remus said in a quiet confession, seemed like it was a big deal for him
"I didn't know that" Sirius said a little concerned like he was undeserving of it. "Sorry... maybe you wanted it to be different" he was starting to feel bad, Remus had always been the hopeless romantic type, maybe he wanted to date his first kiss or something
"Not at all, actually, I know you're not -really- into guys. Oh, don't you look at me like that, I saw you checking some boys out and you know it!" Remus mused, receiving a little push. "I know it meant something totally different to you. But I'm glad it was you. It's not like you stole that from me or anything" Remus said touching Sirius' shoulder in a tender way. "It's a good memory, had always been a good one"
"So you don't resent me? We're cool?" Sirius asked
Remus laughed in a light-hearted way.
"Yes, Sirius, I'm not weird out about it. It was so long ago anyway. Now we know it's a wolf-dog-best-friends thing" Remus said finding it funny how Sirius was still a teenager for that type of matter
The rest of the conversation went naturally to them, they were fluent in mutual sincerity and it did feel like they had some weirdness about this brief moment in the library packed up, but now this was solved. They spoke further about their current feelings and they both explained they never experienced anything outside the realms of friendship for each other, maybe a common physical attraction that could be overlooked not to make things too weird. They felt like brothers, all of them, and maybe that's why it felt so out of tune to think about it as something else. Even now, as adults, they admitted they had a deeper bond, even affection, but it was not a romantic thing or even sexual desire. It was more like being part of the same pack, to attend to each other's needs, to make themselves present. Some of the devotion Sirius talked about before never made so much sense.
"Well, so I can safely say you won't try to surprise-kiss me, right?" Remus teased him further
"That would be my concern, thank you very much, but no. Nothing wrong with you, ok? It's just not it for me" Sirius said
"No surprise kissing, since you're so concerned. But... I'd like to, you know... Hug more often and stuff like that, but it's ok with you don't feel comfortable" Remus added quickly
Sirius was so pleased to hear that he didn't even bother hiding his drunk smile. He just turned to the side and hugged his friend tightly.
"Get ready, you asked for it" Sirius said waving his tail in the back of his consciousness. "Honestly Remus, I just didn't ask before because I didn't want to be a jerk, you just broke up, you've been eating so little and I thought you were feeling bad, didn't want to bother you. But I have been dying to have more... contact... with you, anyone really... things were really... though there" Sirius said feeling his voice tremble a bit by the end
"Of course he needs this too, he's been through so much" Remus thought almost feeling guilty for not picking up on that. Secretly he had been afraid to touch Sirius more often because he wasn't sure how well he'd accept it. People go through all kinds of things in Azkaban, he could have some trauma he didn't want to talk about. "I heard you screaming the other night, some other nights, actually... but when I checked you were sleeping. You know you can talk to me about everything, right?"
Sirius nodded in silence as he held Remus tighter.
"Since we finally got all this out of our way, you can sleep in my bedroom. Won't promise I'll be ok with it every time, I'm... still hurting a lot. Sometimes I need space, sometimes imagining someone else by my side there... is too much, even when we know it's not like that... But when I'm ok, you can come" Remus explained
"Oh, you don't have to, I understand. I don't want to push it, don't feel obligated, really. I'd hate to make you feel uncomfortable" Sirius said nervously, suddenly afraid of being so vulnerable
"I promise I'll be honest, but when I say you can come, you really can. Today, for example, I feel we could give it a try" Remus said holding his friend a little tighter
"Do you mind if I sleep as a dog? I don't have nightmares like this" Sirius asked hopeful
"Of course not, it might actually make it easier for me" Remus said lightening up, that was a good idea
And so they settled a new stage in their friendship, a very comfortable one for both ends. There is more than one type of friendship and fondness one can experience. Labels are meant to make people feel like they belong, but if they don't fit comfortably, there is no need to slay the edges of comforting feelings to make them fit into a category.
Their friendship and platonic care for each other gave room to the healing they needed. Wouldn't be an easy path into recovering from so much trauma and loss, there were days Sirius was too out of reach and unpredictable, days he wouldn't snap back easily and Remus was too vulnerable to handle harshness. And days where Remus nearly left his bed out of how much he dreaded to live feeling so lost and forsaken without the love he had before. It was a cold gap on the werewolf's soul nothing and no one else could fulfill and even Sirius didn't dare to try. Life was unfair to them, but together, they could orient and light up each other's ways.