[Circus music playing in the background]
AUTHOR
[sing-song] Hey folks! Welcome to my YouTube channel — just kidding.
[Circus music intensifies to emphasize the clownery]
Welcome, amazing readers, to the Q&A session, where we break down the fourth wall, crack up over dumb stuff and try to answer y'alls questions!
[Characters cheer — except for Ryder because he's an absolute bore]
So, um, yeah! Here we have our splendid characters: Ryder, Nathan, Nick, Mae, and Connor and we will be answering your questions!
Right. Let's get funky!
[Mae whoops and claps]
[Reading from a slip of paper] Okay, first up: Ryder.
RYDER
[very suave] Hey.
AUTHOR
Welcome to 'Reboot Bob the Builder Hate Club'! Here's a question for you: What do you do in your free time or your favourite thing to do to kill time?
RYDER
(heh) Uh, I either cook something, watch Netflix or lie face-down on my bed with music blasting in the background. [Pause]
CONNOR
Damn, dude. That's sad.
[Murmurs of agreement]
RYDER
(laughs) Fine, fine. I mean, I'm sort of a fast learner in some way. So I kill time by half-assed learning languages and, oh! One time I was really bored so I memorised the entire Greek alphabet and Egyptian hieroglyphs.
MAE[OVERLAPPING]
I memorise car plate numbers for fun.
RYDER[CONTD.]
I do play the guitar sometimes... But it gets a little boring after a while, so I just kept that in my dusty-ass guitar bag.
NATHAN
Until I went to your house for the first time.
RYDER
[laughs] Yeah, that. It was fun, actually. Teaching you. And, uh, using that guitar since, I don't know, 2 years ago?
[Nathan laughs]
AUTHOR
(haha) Right. Another question - ooh! This is something. How have you managed to deal with your traumatic past? And does Nathan help with that in any way? I've noticed your mind seems to be more at ease when you're with him.
[Pause as Ryder composes an answer]
RYDER
Well, uh... Okay, first one. I've always, y'know, distracted myself from, uh, yeah... So I don't hear him. I've broken some things too, as advised by Nick, and to be honest, it's kinda fun. Just take out all your pent-up anger and stress on inanimate things. Therapy's been helping a lot, though.
And, uh...
[Silence]
...Yeah.
Anyway, moving on to the second question: Nathan's also my distraction - my favourite one. He does help to calm my mind whenever he's around. His presence just... silences him. I don't know how, but [laughs] my boyfriend sure is powerful!
[Nathan laughs and blushes]
MAE
You guys are hella sweet, I'm getting cavities.
AUTHOR
(sighs wistfully) You know what? Getting a partner sounds really cool right now.
[brightly] Anyhoo, I've got another question for you. [quietly] Oh, that rhymes. What do you see yourself doing in the future?
RYDER
A chef! [then quietly] As long as it's not in Hell's Kitchen.
[Everyone laughs]
NICK
(laughing) Bro, I get second-hand stress from watching that show.
[Author and Ryder: Same]
AUTHOR
Ooh! Kiss, kill, marry! [snorts] Yo, Ryder.
[Ryder: Hm?]
Mae, Nick and Sin.
[The room explodes in laughter]
RYDER
[laughing] What the fuck?
MAE
You have to answer that, bro. (stage-whispers; almost hypnotic) You wanna kiss me, you wanna kiss me, you so wanna kiss me-
[Nathan laughs in the background]
RYDER
Shut up! [laughs] I'll kill you, then.
MAE
Aw.
RYDER[CONTD.]
And, uh, kiss Sin, and marry Nick.
NICK
[drier than the Sahara] I'll marry you just for tax benefits. [snickers]
RYDER
[mock-offended] Ouch. But touché.
AUTHOR
Y'all better be thankful that Sin ain't here, because he's gonna kiss you on the spot.
[Everyone laughs]
[The door bursts open on cue; Sin rushes in]
RYDER
What the fu-
[Sin swiftly kisses him]
[Mae whoops]
(laughing) Bro!
[Sin grins and ruffles Ryder's hair]
AUTHOR
Sin! I didn't think you were coming!
SINCLAIR
Nah, I wasn't - just heard someone summoning me so here I am!
NICK
Yo! Can I get a kiss too?
SINCLAIR
Sure, bro.
[walks over to Nick and kisses him]
NICK
Thanks, bro. [clutches his heart] That's very bro of you.
SINCLAIR
(laughs) Anytime, bro.
[walking to the door]
Alright, it was pleasant seeing all of you, but I gotta get going.
[fistbumps Nick]
Hey, Nathan? [gestures to Ryder] Your man's good at kissing.
NATHAN
(laughs) I know.
RYDER[OVERLAPPING]
[laughing] Get out!
[Sin walks to the door]
AUTHOR
Oh, wait! You're still needed Sin. I have a question for you.
SINCLAIR
[stopping] Oh. Okay, sure.
AUTHOR
Alright, cool. Who is your childhood crush?
SINCLAIR
Beck Oliver from Victorious and Zuko from ATLA! And, you know the yellow hat guy from Curious George? I don't know why, but he's hot.
[Thunderous agreement]
RYDER
I'm attracted to him for whatever reason.
NATHAN/MAE
Same!
CONNOR
I don't see it, though.
AUTHOR
I mean, his face is nice...? Kinda attractive, in my opinion.
NICK
He just has a nice chin. Pointy. Like the man of my dreams.
[Everyone laughs]
SINCLAIR
It's fun but, like, I really gotta go. Have fun, you guys!
[Chorus of goodbyes as he exits]
CONNOR
Who was that gremlin?
AUTHOR
Oh, that's Sinclair or Sin, and he's Ryder and Nick's friend. Nathan, Mae, I'm sure y'all've met him.
[Nathan: Yup; Mae nods]
CONNOR
[laughing] Y'all'd've'he'hee'hoo!
AUTHOR
(laughs) Ah, yes, yodelling. My favourite food. Oh yeah, speaking of food, Ryder, What is your favourite food to eat and/or cook?
RYDER
Uh, I can't really choose one, but I love anything that has to do with garlic. It's just so fun to smash them with my knife.
MAE
Ooh, kinky.
RYDER
Oh, FUCK OFF! God, Mae, can you not say weird shit all the time?
MAE
No, I can't, 'cause I'm built differently, bitch!
[Connor whoops and high-fives Mae]
RYDER
[annoyed] Anyway, I love garlic so if there's a vampire apocalypse, I'd be safe from getting my haemoglobin syrup sucked out of me.
MAE
[overlapping] Hey! You took my 'haemoglobin syrup' line!
NATHAN
But what if vampires who eat garlic are like lactose-intolerant people who eat cheese? Wouldn't your garlic thing be ineffective, then?
RYDER
That's- oh. [audibly sad] Plans ruined.
NATHAN
[softly] Oh, I didn't mean to...
RYDER
[softly] No, no, it's okay.
AUTHOR
I'm sorry to interrupt y'all, but we really need to get going with the questions. Is that okay?
[Ryder and Nathan nod]
Right! Have you ever contemplated your existence?
RYDER
God. Not that question, please. I bet Nathan can answer that.
[Everyone laugh]
NATHAN
I- Yeah. Yeah, I mean... I do that a lot. [laughs]
CONNOR
Jumping in on this, because I'm the space person, and I saw the one where you started talking about the universe and not mattering, and I agree 600%.
RYDER
[grumpy] I don't like this conversation, so let's just move on.
AUTHOR
You said it, dude. ALSO! I'm gonna attempt to say all of this (even if you readers can't hear me). Will you please just kiss Nathan asdfgwhsj.
NICK
(laughs) You sound like a choking seal.
AUTHOR
[laughing] Exactly! Try vocalising key smashes, it's fun. And this question - actually all of them - is given prior to the big kiss chapter so that's probably it.
MAE
I wanna see you guys kiss!
RYDER
Jokes on you, we won't do that now.[sticks out his tongue at her]
NATHAN
We don't really kiss in public. I don't know, I don't feel quite comfortable with that...
NICK
Didn't you guys kiss at the park? That's public, isn't it?
CONNOR
Imagine a late-night jogger seeing two guys making out passionately on the grass. Those two guys should touch some grass and not kiss on the grass. [laughs]
RYDER
(laughs) I hate you.
AUTHOR
What constitutes PDA, though? Is it just making out in public or does it include hand-holding too?
NICK
Pretty sure both. But it can be as simple as cheek pecks and fixing one another's hair.
RYDER
I mean, Nathan and I don't kiss in public.
NATHAN
Yeah, we don't.
NICK
[muttering] I still think the park kiss was public.
RYDER[CONTD.]
The most we do is just hold hands when we walk and sit beside each other all the time - we're both okay with that. We don't have to display our love so extravagantly for everyone to be like "Oh, look at those two dudes kissing, they must be so in love," because our love is always there whether we publicly display it or not, you know? [Takes Nathan's hand] It just is.
[Nathan blushes and rests his head on Ryder's shoulder]
EVERYONE
Aww.
MAE
Cavities, I swear. Can I keep you both?
RYDER
Not a chance, hon. [smirks]
AUTHOR
[mumbling] Sometimes I amaze myself when I write this.
Anyway, favourite thing about Nathan?
RYDER
Everything?! [laughs] Did I not say it all in the second-last chapter?
CONNOR[BACKGROUND]
[shouting] Be specific!
RYDER
Whatever, okay. I love how he smells like coffee. And I won't say anything else, or I'll turn into a poet.
NICK
Cheesy.
AUTHOR
Isn't that the whole theme of this book, anyway? Next question for you, Ryder. Do you really look like Keith Kogane?
MAE
That's what I said! Muscly emo Keith!
RYDER
[blows raspberry] 'Do I look like Keith Kogane,' as if I know what I look like. But we do share some similarities too, I guess. But I'm not even 'emo' to begin with.
CONNOR
Nathan looks like Pidge, then.
NATHAN
[confused] I don't know who all these people are.
MAE
Dude! Everyone knows Voltron, original one or not. But like Carmen Sandiego, the Netflix version is more well-known.
NICK
[cringing] I only know Voltron from all the Klance fanart I see sometimes.
RYDER
Carmen Sandiego is pretty cool.
CONNOR
Please, man, I watch it for Carmen. [swoons] And Julia. And Ivy. And Tigress. Damn, all the girls there are fucking beautiful.
NATHAN[BACKGROUND]
I watch the Discovery Channel.
CONNOR
DID Y'ALL HEAR THAT? Nathan watches Discovery Channel! BOO! Guys, boo Nathan!
[Everyone boos Nathan]
NATHAN
(laughs) Just kidding! [quietly] Unless...
AUTHOR
Bro, I watch Discovery Channel for the monke.
Anyways, your final question, Sir Dela Cruz: What would you change about yourself, if you could?
RYDER
Huh. I don't know, maybe less broody?
AUTHOR
Less broody, huh? [stares at the camera like they're in The Office]
CONNOR
Uh-oh. I smell something coming.
AUTHOR
More on that later [whispers conspiratorially] maybe. But! 'Tis the end of your questions, Ryder. Thank you very much for cooperating!
RYDER
(mutters) I'll not cooperate anymore then.
AUTHOR
[brightly] I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that! Next, we have everyone's favourite, Nathan Adler!
[Everyone cheers his name]
NATHAN
Oh, um. [laughs] I didn't know. Um, thank you?
AUTHOR
No need to thank me, thank you. Anyway, this question is damn funny and I want to see your reaction. Ready?
[Nathan nods warily]
Alright! WHAT'S IT LIKE HAVING SUCH FASCINATION FOR MUSCLES HUH NATHAN?
NATHAN
Oh, um... [laughs nervously] I mean- they're... Nice and- um, pretty... to um, touch and look at, and- [blushes] muscles popping when people, um, flex them...
RYDER
You mean like this? [flexes his arm]
MAE
HOLY MOTHER TRUCKER! LOOK AT THOSE GUNS!
NICK
Sexy arm muscles. (wolf-whistles)
CONNOR
Is this an interview or a gun show, because damn.
NATHAN
[blushing madly] Oh- Y-yeah. Like that... Pretty arms. [touches Ryder's arm] Nice to touch...
AUTHOR
[laughing hysterically] I'M CRYING, Y'ALL. Oh god [laughs again] That's damn hilarious. [wipes a tear from their eye] God, that's a good one.
NATHAN
[embarrassed] I want a different question now.
AUTHOR
Sorry, oh my god. That was just [wheezes]
CONNOR
Meanie! Boo! Everyone, boo Felix!
[Everyone boos Author]
AUTHOR
[laughing] Hey, wasn't me who asked that question. I just relay them. Let's just move onto the next one: [punctuates each word with a clap] Are! You! A! Theater! Gay?
NATHAN
Theather gay...? Oh! Oh no, no, no, no. I don't (laughs nervously) I don't do theater. The people, the stage, the lights... [makes a sound of discomfort]
AUTHOR
Agreed. Next, what's your favorite thing about yourself?
NATHAN
Oh man, what? Um. [takes an impossibly long time to think of an answer] I don't know.
MAE
Hey, can I butt in? I love how you're oblivious to Ryder's very obvious pining for you.
RYDER
I love you and I'm gonna be a poet.
NICK
I like how you pretend you weren't looking at Ryder sometimes in class.
RYDER[BACKGROUND]
Wait, he did that?!
CONNOR
Dude, Nathan, I've only met you on two separate occasions and I have to say, I like how riled up you got when you tried to explain that machetes can't be used to cut strawberries. Which, for the record, you can, if you're brave enough.
AUTHOR
I love your silly little hair and silly little shoes and silly not-so-little sweaters.
NATHAN
Oh... [blushing] Um, thanks guys. I... I really appreciate that.
CONNOR
No problem, dude. That's what friends are for.
NATHAN
[about to cry] Thanks, friends.
RYDER
Aww. Guys, he needs a hug.
[Everyone envelops Nathan in a big bear hug; Nathan sniffles]
AUTHOR
[pats his arm] Don't cry, bro, we're not even halfway through your questions.
[Nathan laughs and sniffles again]
Let's have a more lighthearted question! What's the fondest memory you have with your friend group?
NATHAN
Oh, um. The mall's our favourite place to go, as you can tell. And since we're mostly broke, we like to go window shopping and things like that. Once, we even went to a pet store and named every turtle they had.
RYDER
[fondly] Ah, I remember Harold. He's my favourite. Real badass, that Harold.
MAE
Harold's no match for Gertrude! She'll knock him off his rock faster than you can say, 'Guacamole.'
NATHAN
Come on, you guys, Wallace is clearly superior. But anyway, I love that pet store, that specific one, with the turtles. [grins] They're the best.
AUTHOR
Aww, that's real cute. I once had five hamsters who died after a day, three hamsters next - only one survived much later, but died anyway. Miggy, I love you. And the other hamsters, I love you too.
Moving on, do you write poetry, Nathan?
NATHAN
(laughs) Um, I tried, but failed. All I made was mediocre rhymes.
MAE
Ooh, what are they about?
NATHAN
Oh, you know, the usual - trees, the city streets, life, spring, autumn, death, existential crisis, not knowing what I don't know that I don't know. Mediocre stuff.
RYDER
Damn. Do you still remember them?
NATHAN
Sort of? I have one that goes 'Look at the sea,' and the next few lines are about drowning in my insecurities.
MAE[BACKGROUND]
Same, Nate.
AUTHOR
Cool. My poems are about hot people. [coughs awkwardly] So. Next, what's your hobby?
NATHAN
Is always drinking coffee counted?
MAE
C'mon, try harder.
NATHAN
Hmm. I like to draw, and read...? I'm really boring.
CONNOR
[whispering] But not in bed.
[lennyface.jpg]
AUTHOR
[whacking Connor on the head] THIS ISN'T THE TIME, CONNOR.
Suck Squidward's tentacles on a stick, will you? Sheesh.
CONNOR
Yes, parent.
NATHAN
[nervously] Can I have my next question?
AUTHOR
Of course. In what ways has your relationship with Ryder affected you?
NATHAN
Well, um. I'm starting to feel a little more confident about trying new stuff - Ryder gives me that little push. [he pauses]
NICK
Say it, man, say it.
NATHAN
[exhaling] Fine. He makes me feel more confident about myself.
[Everyone cheer]
MAE
Yay! Character development!
AUTHOR
Dude, that's legit mega. Imagine being confident in yourself, I just can't.
Next one: If Ryder wasn't your bio partner and/or your future husband then who would you choose?
NATHAN
Ah... No.
AUTHOR
[nods gravely] Good choice.
NICK
I heard Juno's gay.
RYDER
He is.
NATHAN
Juno isn't...
RYDER
[smirks] Broody?
[Nathan laughs]
NATHAN
But let's be real here: even if I got paired with someone else, we'll still end up together.
MAE
MOTHER TRUCKER, RYDER, YOU GOT OUT-CHEESED BY YOUR BOYFRIEND!
AUTHOR
I only stored all my cheese in Ryder, and now Nathan? Holy Scheiße!
RYDER
I'm not a fucking cheese container. [translation: Leave me and my boyfriend alone]
NICK
You are, you donkey. You have more cheese than Mac and Four Cheese.
AUTHOR
Division of labour, or cell division, something mitosis. The cheese is passed onto Nate. Period. Point blank.
If so, then what's one thing you love about Ryder?
NATHAN
[instantly] His hands. [embarrassed] I don't know, they're cold all the time. But I like to warm them for him.
RYDER
[blushing] But I'm still annoyed when you called me 'cold-hearted'.
NATHAN
No, I didn't.
RYDER
Yes, you did! I SAID 'cold hands, warm heart,' and YOU put your hand on MY HEART and SAID 'cold'?!
NATHAN
(laughs) I'm sorry?
RYDER
I'd normally say 'don't be sorry,' but not this time, love. [laughing] Not this time!
NATHAN
[laughing] Fair enough.
AUTHOR
Nathan, are you a Swiftie?
NATHAN
Um... no? I'm more of a Cavetown/Ricky Montgomery person, though.
RYDER
[deadpan] I love German death metal.
MAE
[deadpan] And I listen to Wheels on the Bus bass boosted.
AUTHOR
Here comes monsieur Adler's last question! Do you find frogs cute?
NATHAN
[excitedly] OBVIOUSLY! That's also a reason for making Ryder's frog earrings! There was a frog who lived in our yard for two years (his name was Humphrey) and-
NICK
'Humphrey'?
NATHAN
It means 'peaceful warrior' and, anyway, Cole and I-
CONNOR
Ooh, who's that, your secret admirer?
NATHAN
[deadpan] My brother.
[Connor: Oh]
So, Cole and I used to just stare at Humphrey when we were still kids. I mean, I held him in my hands and Cole just stared at a distance, because he was scared of frog poison. [laughs] That was fun. But, um, he mysteriously died two years later.
RYDER
How do you mean?
NATHAN
I don't know. Cole and I woke up one day, went outside, and he started screaming that 'Humphrey's lying on his back and he's not moving, oh my god, MOM HE'S NOT MOVING!' Then I cried, and it started raining. My parents ran outside to where Cole and I were squatting on the mushy ground. It was a whole scene.
MAE
Ouch. F in the chat for Humphrey.
[chorus of Fs]
AUTHOR
Humphrey, I hope you avenge your mysterious death.
Oh, this is the end of your questions, Nate! Well, apparently, I have questions for your parents too.
NATHAN
Okay...?
AUTHOR
I'll, uh, I'll just call them.
[calls them; Author puts them on speaker]
PATRICIA[ON SPEAKER]
Hello?
AUTHOR
Need a tool? Missing something? Missing out on life? Need help? Incomplete? Feeling lost? Feeling? Emotions? Pain? Hardware? Fire? Glue gun? Need something to glue your life together? Metaphorically? Literally? Confused? Need help? Come on over to Ace Hardware, we got you covered!
PATRICIA[ON SPEAKER]
I know it's you, Felix.
AUTHOR
Oh. Right, it's my phone. Hi, Nate's mom, we're doing a Q&A session right here in the studio and the readers have a few questions for you and Nate's dad.
PATRICIA[ON SPEAKER]
Oh, how lovely! I'm honoured! Hold on, let me get my husband.
[sounds of shuffling]
CONNOR
[sotto voce] This is awk-
TREVOR[ON SPEAKER]
Is this an interrogation?
NATHAN[BACKGROUND]
Sort of.
AUTHOR
That was quick.
TREVOR[ON SPEAKER]
She was beside me. So, I hear we have questions?
AUTHOR
Just a couple, we won't take much of your time. Uh, Nate's mom? I have one for you: How did you bag your husband?
PATRICIA[ON SPEAKER]
[audibly confused] What does that mean?
AUTHOR
Like, uh, how did you attract your husband?
PATRICIA[ON SPEAKER]
Oh! [laughing] Like a bee to a flower. I'm sure it's because of my astounding beauty!
TREVOR[ON SPEAKER]
[taking over] She showed up on my doorstep, screaming, crying, and soaked in rain. I was thinking, Who in the world is this woman? But I let her into my house nonetheless, even if I didn't know her then. And [clears throat; voice trails off] somehow some things happened.
PATRICIA[ON SPEAKER]
I'm glad my car broke down in the middle of my emotional breakdown.
AUTHOR
Uh, right. Erm, this isn't a question but a reader wanted to say: YOU'RE SUCH A BAD BITCH AND WE LOVE SUPPORTIVE MOTHERS!
PATRICIA[ON SPEAKER]
Why, thank you! I think I'm a 'bad bitch' too! [laughs] And of course, mothers should be supportive of their children. Why go through the pain and joy of childbirth if you're not going to support and love your child no matter what?
MAE
PREACH, MA'AM! Facts!
AUTHOR
Right? If only all parents know this. [sighs disappointedly] Anyways, thanks Nate's mom for your time! I'd like to give Nate's dad his statement-not-question.
TREVOR[ON SPEAKER]
I'm here.
AUTHOR
Cool! Okay, here it is: I want your number, and if Patricia has a problem she doesn't have to worry, I want hers too. We can all have a good time!
TREVOR[ON SPEAKER]
You already have my number?
AUTHOR
Oh, no. This is from a harmless little reader, not me.
TREVOR[ON SPEAKER]
Well, you can give them then. [suspicious] It's just a reader, right?
AUTHOR
[nervous chuckle] Yeah.
Um, I guess this is it! Thanks Nate's parents for both of y'alls time!
[chorus of goodbyes from both ends; phone clicks off]
NICK
[whistles] Awkward.
AUTHOR
How am I supposed to talk to adults, damn it. I feel so clipped and professional just now [laughs]
Well. That's over, so next up: Nick!
[Dramatic applause as Nick stands up]
NICK
[enunciating every word; T-posing] I am present. The Eye has opened and filled me with the Knowledge and Wisdom to answer the questions-
AUTHOR[OVERLAPPING]
(laughing) Oh shut up, Nick. Sit down.
[Nick sits back down, but his sass is still on]
Okay, first question: oh (laughs) Are you, like, British?
NICK
[in a perfect American accent] No, I'm not. (laughs) [in his normal voice] Yes, I am, like, British. I'm born and raised in London. My whole family's Black, and I have a big sister studying in Montpelier, France, and two younger siblings living here with me. Though I only lived with my big sister - before my family moved here, somewhere in America, and she went to France - in London till I was about five? Six?
RYDER[BACKGROUND]
B-
NICK
[to Ryder, annoyed] If you say something about biscuits and jam and tea, I swear I'll deck your sorry arse.
[Ryder stifles a laugh]
AUTHOR
Anyways, I have another question for you. Are you secretly into Ryder?
NICK
(laughs) God, no! I may have an eye for guys too but Ryder isn't my type. (stage-whispers) He's too... broody.
RYDER
Shut up! [chuckles] I'm not that broody.
NICK
[shouting] You literally said that you wanna be 'less broody' in your last question, you donkey!
RYDER
[mumbling] Yeah, fine.
NATHAN
You're broody sometimes, though.
RYDER
[defensively] Yeah, but not always!
[Author laughs hysterically in the background]
CONNOR
[to Author] You sneaky dingus.
NICK
[cheerily] Anyways! Ryder's more like a brother to me. A brotherly bother, so to speak, but we're okay.
AUTHOR
Oh, wait, there's a second part to that question: Or supernatural stuff?
[Nick and Mae gasp excitedly]
MAE
[thrilled] I live for that shit!
NICK
[approvingly] Same! I've been reading books on ghosts and mythical creatures since I was young, although they're leaning more towards the darker side - like the Wendigo, banshees, the Qalupalik, basilisk... You know, all the gory spooky shit.
I used to have a weird fascination with the Grim Reaper once, but then I sorta lost interest and started collecting old game sets instead. I guess that's lame but [defensively] Game Boys are neat. (shrugs)
MAE
[slightly overlapping] The Grim Reaper seems pretty rad, though. And the scythe he carries around looks ultra-cool, I wanna get one someday. But it's funny how people think the Grim Reaper is evil or not, he's just merely a personification of death and a natural force.
[gets even more excited; her voice rising] And I remember there being a female version of the Grim Reaper - Pesta, meaning 'plague hag' - during the Black Plague. And in Poland, there's Śmierć, or Death, who looks just like the Grim Reaper, but instead, she wears a white cloak. La Santa Muerte, meaning Saint Death, a feminine skeletal folk saint is very cool too, considering I love skeletons. They're just so fun and jangly! And-
[abruptly cuts herself off; she realises she's rambling]
[quietly] Sorry.
AUTHOR
That's fine. It's nice knowing y'all have interesting, uh... interests. And, yeah, skeletons are cool. Especially those skeleton edits and stuff [laughs]
[Mae laughs too]
NATHAN
[in a small voice] I think faes and goblins are cool. I like their aesthetics.
CONNOR
Damn straight, dude. Very pretty to look at.
AUTHOR
Hey, Ryder, you've been really quiet this whole time.
RYDER
I think it's all bullshit. Mythology and folklore.
[Offended gasps around the room]
Sorry, it's just- I don't believe all this. [considering] But it sounds interesting anyway.
AUTHOR
Alright! Thanks for your input and I respect that, but we should go on with the questions, folks. Okay (clears throat) a situation question: who would you bring to an island where you two starve to death and/or eat each other?
NICK
I have to eat someone?
AUTHOR
Hypothetically.
NICK
[looks around] Well, the only snack I see is Ryder, but he's damn useless on an island.
RYDER
[offended] The fuck? I can cook fish, at least!
NICK
Bet you don't even know how to catch one!
RYDER
YOU KNOW WHAT? You're absolutely right and we'll die on the island.
NICK
Nah, bro. You'll die 'cause I'll eat you.
[Ryder curses under his breath]
MAE
I can fish. And I know probably a thousand different knots. And build a fire and a tent made out of banana leaves.
NICK
How do you-
MAE
I digest lots of survival shit in my current life.
AUTHOR
Damn, girl. So, uh, here's another question: what's your biggest flaw?
NICK
[flatly] My high-class humour.
RYDER
Don't you mean your inability to be funny?
CONNOR
[to Nick] It's alright, I'll get you some ice for that burn.
NICK
[annoyed] I'm pretty funny.
RYDER
Pfft, when?
[silence]
NATHAN
You guys are mean.
AUTHOR
Well, I would put a montage of all the times Nick made a funny joke, but I'm not sure if there was a time he was funny at all.
CONNOR
Jesus, Felix. That's damn savage.
NICK
[to Author] You're officially on my Hate List.
AUTHOR
[sweetly] Love you too, Nick.
Since we're on the 'hate' topic, what's one thing you hate the most?
NICK
Curtain rods.
AUTHOR
What.
NICK
[disgusted] Bloody curtain rods. I hate them for the same reason I hate fire hydrants.
MAE
Which is...?
NICK
[shrugs] Dunno. But I hate them.
AUTHOR
Well, that's unorthodox. I hate puddles. Anyways, it's the end of your interrogation, Mr Harris. Thank you for your spleen.
[Nick stands up again and bows]
Turns out, we have more questions than expected, and I'm taking a really long time doing this, so I've decided to split this Q&A session into two parts! [adopting a radio host impression] Well, this is the end of Part 1, folks. I hope y'all enjoyed our crackhead moments and see y'all again in Part 2!
[Chorus of goodbyes as Part 1 comes to an end]
[Click]
________________________
Part 2 is currently in the works and will be released soon. Stay tuned!