"What made you get here, in this revolution?" I asked Lupan, making conversation in that hall after I left Kadi with the bathtub and his past.
"One day, when I was just a young canouro, I woke up with screams outside my tent... And I went out to see my entire village being destroyed by the Aulic's soldiers. It was a massacre. My friends, my enemies, my family..." I lost my breath.
"Why did they do that?"
"Because the rebels were there, trying to recruit us, and the Aulics couldn't let that happen." I reached out my hand to Lupan and patted his head, in an attempt to comfort him that he seemed to appreciate. "That day Korrok found me and took me to Venerna... Since them, the revolution became my family." I looked around at all those beings who, even so surrounded by death, continued to cling to that cause - the last thing they had. They gone through so much pain... And still found the strength to celebrate the victory of existing. "The revolution saved my life. And I believe it will save the Empire too."
I turned to the canouro, and I knew he could smell the spark that was growing in me.
"We will save it."
So Lupan ended up getting excited to talk about his collections and Kadi promptly came to my rescue, only to become his victim in my place.
I grinned at him with a venomous smile and used the distraction to escape, slipping through the bubbling life on the hall until I saw Korrok. My feet stopped. And so I decided to walk towards him, because, after everything that had happened, there was something I really needed to say:
"I wanted to apologize..." I muttered, unable to face him.
"For what?"
For thinking he was my mother's murderer; for not doing what I should on my loyalty test; for all my mistakes and the consequences they brought to a people who were just fighting for a little more respect - a wish that, being human in this Empire, I understood all too well.
But I didn't apologize for any of that.
"For hurting you in the Blood District, when I was trying to escape..."
Korrok watched me.
"I'm surprised you're even able to remember that."
I shrugged. Some things stayed.
"That made sense at the time, but I wouldn't do the same now... I just wanted to let you know..." I sent him a sidelong glance and noticed Korrok smiling.
"Don't apologize for being brave, sapiens. It's what keeps us alive." He hissed. "That's when I knew you would survive if you crossed the revolution's path again."
"So that was my real loyalty test?"
"Our lives are a constant test of loyalty. And only those loyal to this cause would tolerate dying for it." He said, between bloody sips. "But it doesn't hurt to be sure with a test every now and then..."
"What was yours then?"
Korrok let out a ragged laugh.
"Creating the revolution..." I stared at him, but I shouldn't have been surprised. Korrok was driven by a determination capable of bringing Empires down, a creature that so many called a monster, but which I had a hard time seeing this way anymore. He was a beast fighting for those who depended on him, the only one I felt I could trust Itopis. "Long before your mother was even a fetus."
The vorrampes had matured on the principles of injustice and strengthened before it was too late, one of the longest-lived species in the Empire. That's why the revolution was there, strong even when it lost.
"We want the same end." I whispered and Korrok sent me a sharp smile, dangerous and, oddly, comforting... Like a friend's smile.
"And finally the same means, apparently."
I nodded.
"Let's get our Empire back."
• • • ֍ • • •
At some point Kadi and I were left alone, with just a few feet of floor separating us. His eyes fell on mine as if I were a novelty and he ran a hand through his hair, coming slowly closer with a smile ready to win me over.
"You come here often?" Kadi purred.
"Sometimes." I shook my head. "How about you?
"Once or twice. But every time I stepped in here I thought it was a mistake... Until now."
"Has my presence made that much of an impact?"
"Enough to get me across the hall. And maybe a galaxy..." I lowered my eyes shyly. "But now I think I'm going to sleep."
"Is the party not up to your standards?"
"I can't see a reason to celebrate..."
"Then I'm going to sleep too, so I don't make you jealous of how much fun I'm having."
Kadi laughed softly.
"Don't deprive yourself for me, Doxy. Enjoy the party."
"How can I enjoy it if the party ends when you leave?" He stared at me. "We have a reason to celebrate, Kadi... That we are still alive." And I was tired of feeling miserable. "The Aulics tried with all their might and still they couldn't defeat us. This is proof that we can win this war, Kadi, even if it takes a millennia, a thousand battalions, a million Venernas... We will always rise again."
A soft smile spread across his face.
"You should help Korrok with his motivational speeches."
"Does that mean I managed to motivate you to stay?"
"No, I'm sorry, Doxy... I'm still going back to my ship... But you can join another party if you like... My own."
I raised an eyebrow.
"No food, no drinks, no music... What would be there for fun?"
Kadi approached slowly, giving me goose bumps just from his gaze.
"Me."
Tempting... But I didn't know if I should want what could so easily be taken from me.
"I don't think you want to be alone..." He speculated, coming dangerously close to the truth. "And I won't push you away again..." His fingers slipped into mine. "This time, my doors are completly open to you."
"And what do you plan to do with me if I go in?"
"I'm an improviser..." He shrugged and bent down to whisper in my ear: "But I already know that sleep is not in the plan..." I gasped and heard the words escape the lascivious curve of his lips: "Come meet my dreams, Doxy... And be by my side the next morning."
How could I say no?
We fled with silent smiles to Kadi's ship, parked inside the larger vehicle in a hall filled with translucent windows to the stars beyond. I closed the ship's door behind me, turning the party conversations into a distant shadow of amusement, and Kadi pressed against me. His hand wrapped around the back of my neck and lifted my head so I fell into the intensity of his eyes and the wickedness of his smile.
"You fascinate me..." He purred, his voice low, almost menacing.
"You are easy to impress."
"And you are easy to desire." I opened a smile. "But it's also my fault, because wanting you is part of my nature."
Then Kadi took my lips, firm and dangerous, invading my mouth. My fingers flew through his hair and stroked those unruly strands that always became hostage to his hands when he was nervous. His tongue caressed my bottom lip and ran down the curve of my neck, devouring me piece by piece and eliciting gasps from me that put poisonous smiles on his face. My eyes couldn't escape him, the confident boldness stamped on his expression and the clothes hanging off his hips as if asking me to be ripped off.
"I've imagined this so many times..." He whispered, slowly slipping the sleeve of my shirt over my shoulder and sliding my clothes to the floor. "Every night, before I fell asleep... And then you populated my dreams."
I landed my bare back on the bed and Kadi leaned over me, his palms unflinching as they slid down my thighs, exploring my curves and pushing my knees apart.
The touch of his skin against mine, without barriers or limits, ignited me. I ran my fingers over the muscles of his abdomen, and I felt on him the effect of my touch, palpable. He pinned my hands to the fabric of the bed and lined his hips with mine, so close, so hot, panting... And then, with a single movement, he slid into me.
I melted in pleasure when he invaded and backed away, just enough to get back to me where I wanted him most. I could see his muscles beneath his skin, containing a power he could let break me, but which now moved slowly, the excruciating friction of his skin caressing mine, his eyes digging into me, his hair falling into my face, surrendering one to the other.
I held his face, fingers sliding along the arch of his jaw as our sounds blended into the night.
"When I'm with you, there's nothing else I want..." Kadi breathed, the safe haven for my storms. "You're my home..." And I barely had the strength to whisper:
"You're mine too."
He took my lips and slammed into my body greedily until his skin began to glisten with his sweat. Kadi pulled my hair back, exposing my neck so that his teeth devoured me bite by bite, as my nails sometimes reached the sheets, sometimes his back, anything I could hold on to before I plummeted into that abyss where he pulled me to. He crashed into me, faster and faster, his chest pressing against mine and our bodies igniting.
I boosted my body to place him below me and let myself rise and fall against him. The dangerous smile on my face made him let out a growl that made me move even faster, sliding into our meeting.
When I looked at my hands I realized they were smeared with violet, melting, overflowing, and I slipped them across his chest, painting him with that dangerous glow. I slid the toxin down his neck, too little to paralyze him, but enough to mark him, and I wrapped my hand around his throat. The surprise took his face and then got replaced by a crooked smile as I squeezed his neck a little more, taking him with the same scarred hand I'd given to death for him.
I ventured my fingers to the blinds that barred the window, and when I opened them, our bodies were bathed in the glow of the galaxy's core. I could almost feel my pupils dilating as the light invaded me and called me there...
My destiny.
And then my lips dropped to Kadi's as we exploded in the encounter of our bodies, plummeting from the top of the world to where we'd taken each other. We surrendered to the waves until they became a gentle salty breeze. For a moment, there was nothing left to seek and desire, because we couldn't be any more satisfied.
We laid there on the covers for a while, panting, his fingers caressing my spine and my ears hearing his heart beat behind his violet-painted chest, the bomb I hadn't let die. When our breaths were no longer audible, Kadi whispered into my hair:
"You're going to destroy me..." He laughed.
A smile spread across my face and I flew over his body.
"I said I was dangerous."
• • • ֍ • • •
I woke up at some point, overcome by a peace I didn't remember feeling before. Breathing against my hair, Kadi enveloped me in his embrace as if I could disappear if he didn't hold me strongly, to reveal myself as one of those dreams he called heaven. But I was still there, painfully real, warmly embraced.
I watched the serenity in his face, as human as he was in my dreams and as mortal as he was in my nightmares. I anchored myself in the safe harbor of his banks, after traveling for so many centuries to that paradisiacal oasis full of warm waters. He had always been there, in the same cruel universe as I, but as lost as I, screaming to the emptiness and looking for someone to respond.
We responded to each other's screams.
And now the universe was a little less empty.
I nudged him until his eyes opened, green as forests bathed in the starlight outside. The corners of his lips lifted in a lazy smile and his pupils dilated at the sight of me, asking for a little more of my face.
"I could get used to this..." He whispered, fitting his face into the curve of my neck while I wanted to imprint that moment on eternity. We protected each other, against everything that had happened and everything that still would. I was in the safest place in the universe within the confines of his arms and in them I melted, feeling my core simmer with the flapping of the butterflies trapped inside me, my private collection of feelings planted by him.
His lips took mine, a request, a promise. There was nothing in me that hadn't been impregnated by him; there was nothing in him that didn't carry a part of me; and there was nothing of him that I would ever let myself lose.
I could live and die in his arms.
"There's something I need to tell you..." Kadi whispered in my ear, with a seriousness that filled me with dread like the bad news I was so used to receiving. "It's terrible, but I think you need to know..."
"What's it?
"I'm in love with you."
I choked.
Kadi stared at me with a ton of expectations, because this wasn't just a revelation of something he held in his heart... That was a request, that I could or not answer. He was showing me where to stick the knife if I wanted to; he was asking me to love him back... When it was so hard to be vulnerable in a universe where everyone had knives.
"Are you sure?"
Kadi tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, his touch as if able to bring statues to life.
"Even if my feelings were an illusion, they would become real, Doxy, because it's impossible to escape what I feel for you..." He whispered. "I fell in love with your heart long before mine started beating for you. And now that my every beat is because of you, I know my heart has always been yours." My breath left my chest. "I've missed you all my life, Doxy... And loving you came as a part of me that was always there, waiting, begging, dreaming..."
I had no words.
Never ever had I felt so connected to someone... Kadi had become the night before my mornings, the stary stage after the twilight where I could dream, and I wasn't able to imagine myself without him in my life anymore. This was more than any simple feeling, and of all the languages I knew, none of them had the words to describe it, because it had never been so felt that it needed to be named.
But I was torn between that happiness he brought me and the fear of losing it after my words signed the contract. How could I surrender if there was so much to lose? The weakest point in a suture was the knot, after all.
"Love is a very dangerous thing in a war like this..."
"I know..." His disappointment was masked by his understanding. "I just wanted you to know that this is how I feel..."
I held his face so he wouldn't run away from my eyes.
"In another life it would be so easy... And one day it will be in this one too." I muttered. "But I couldn't survive wishing and imagining a life that could never come..." I saw the pain cross and live in his eyes. Was he rethinking all his feelings now? Was he changing his mind about the promise to stay he had once made me? I couldn't escape the question that always gnawed at me, so I asked: "Where are you going?" He stared at me. "I know you don't owe me any explanation, but all I want is to know you... Each and every part of you. Including this one."
Kadi ran a hand through his hair and I could almost hear his thoughts swirling below. Maybe he was wondering if he should tell me, if he could tell me... And I felt my heart weaken at the mercy of his pity.
"I was planning to go back to Earth..."
To... Earth?
That Earth that, one day, gave life to all humanity? That world where I breathed and cried and opened my eyes for the first time? The only house I've ever had - and which I didn't have anymore... It wasn't some unreachable place as I once thought it was where Kadi was going... But then he continued:
"From 720 years ago."
What?!
"I don't understand... You said you wanted to go home."
Kadi let out a heavy sigh, covered in a truth that, after so long, he finally let his lips reveal to me:
"I stepped there once to see what all that time had done to my home and 700 years change a lot... I felt like an alien on my own planet, as if born in another world, in an Earth that no longer exists..." I didn't understand. None of it made sense! "I don't know if I'll ever be able to find a home somewhere else in this universe, Doxy... Because it's there, 720 years ago. When I was born."