The human conscience was indeed very tricky. Raymond had known Hope's mum for years and never in all those years had he ever hesitated whenever he saw her calls. Not one single time. If anything, he was usually thrilled to hear from her.
It was different this time around. With the guilt of what had almost happened between himself and her daughter just the previous night weighing down on him, the phone felt like hot iron in his hand, and he could only sit there and watch as it rang, her name flashing boldly on the screen.
Did mothers have some sort of sixth sense that automatically made them know these things? He hadn't even kissed Hope, but would she be disappointed in him all the same?
He felt a bit relieved when the ringing stopped. His relief however, was short lived as his heart picked up pace once more when the ringing continued almost immediately.
Drawing out a ragged breath, he finally picked the call. "Hello, ma."
Raymond winced. He hadn't even been able to call her mum as he'd have done any other day without thinking twice about it.
"Raymond, my child. How are you today?" Her voice was cheery as always and Raymond was momentarily relieved that his absurd assumptions weren't turning out to be true.
He found himself instinctively smiling at her cheery greeting. "I'm fine, ma. How are you?"
"Well, Ella is determined to deafen all of us over here with her constant wailing," she complained with a fond laugh. "Except for that, I'm very fine."
Raymond chuckled, his heart warming as he thought of the baby. Yes. She really could be a terror at times. He'd witnessed it first hand on several occasions. "Your ears will be fine, ma."
She laughed, a sound that incited joy in him. It was never until he was speaking with her he realized just how fond he was of her. "I'm sure you're wondering why I called you."
Raymond suddenly felt his palms clamming with nervousness. His voice sounded weak even to his ears as he spoke, "You don't need a reason to call me, ma. I'm always happy to hear from you."
Raymond could almost feel the woman smile over the phone. "Good, because there's no reason behind this call. You were the first person I thought of this morning so I decided to call you. And Raymond?"
"Yes, ma?"
"We've gone through this a lot already. Call me mum," the woman concluded, voice soft.
Raymond winced again. What part was causing him pain wasn't entirely clear to him. He was supposed to be relieved it wasn't some sort of maternal instinct that had induced her to call him, or maybe it was, either ways, it only served to make him feel guiltier. "Yes m-mum."
"Good," she replied. Raymond's mind formed an image of her nodding, pleased. "So, how is Val?"
"Val?" Raymond repeated dumbly. Why was she asking about her niece from him? "Erm . . . she's fine, I guess."
"When was the last time you both spoke?"
Raymond closed his eyes, suppressing the headache that seemed to be forming. He was going to age quickly with all the drama that was filling his previously simple life. How he desperately wanted to go back to the time before. "Yesterday. We saw each other yesterday."
"Really? That's very wonderful to hear," she cooed excitedly. "I trust you both are getting along very fine."
Raymond hummed. Just how had he gotten himself into this mess? He didn't want to imagine just what was going through the woman's mind. "Yes, mum. We are getting along fine."
"And what about Hope? Have you been hearing from her? I'm very sure that girl has been avoiding me," she said, ending on a whining note.
Raymond felt the guilt rise even higher. "Hope is fine, ma."
She sighed, and Raymond could feel a lot of tension behind it. "I just sometimes feel really unsettled when I think about her. Call it maternal instincts, but I just worry a lot about my baby girl. I know I probably shouldn't be bothering you with this, but I would really appreciate you keeping an eye on her for me, Raymond. I know you care about her like she's your own sister and there's no one else I would trust with her."
She was entrusting her daughter to him. The same daughter he had way more than brotherly feelings for. The same one he'd almost kissed just the day before. Was this heaven's way of passing him a message? To remind him of how wrong his feelings for Hope were?
He sighed, the sound weighing more than a rock. "I promise to look after her, mum. Nothing would hurt Hope as far as I'm concerned." At least that was true. That was one promise he intended to keep irrespective of his feelings for her.
She was silent for a while before she replied, the words sounding choked as if she was holding back tears. "Hope is a really strong girl so she tends to carry a lot on her shoulders. She's almost exactly like. . ." Her words ended on a broken sob. "Thank you, Raymond."
He wanted to tell her there was no reason to be grateful to him. If only she knew the depths of his feelings for her daughter, she wouldn't be bothered to ask him those favors like watching over Hope was some sort of job for him. It was a lot more than that for him. In a way, it always had been.
"You're welcome, mum, and please don't worry. Like you said, Hope is a strong girl. She'll be fine," Raymond reassured.
"I know. Thank you, Raymond."
Long after the call had ended, Raymond's hand held the phone plastered to his ear, his mind far gone as he sat there in his sitting room, questioning all of his life choices.
He'd thought himself incapable of sleep the previous night after the whole day's event. With the thoughts that'd been running through his head, he'd found it extremely hard to share the same space with Hope, so he'd had to force himself into going to bed early. He'd chosen his spare bedroom after announcing to a reluctant Hope to take his. She'd argued but had eventually given in. He'd fallen asleep faster than he'd expected. By the time he woke up the next morning, she was gone.
Now left with nothing but the emptiness of his house and his troubling thoughts, he started to doubt every decision he'd made in the past few weeks. He and Hope had always been somewhat close, but had it been a mistake letting himself get too close to her to the extent that he started harbouring feelings for her? It wasn't as if he'd known it was going to end this way. Maybe if he had, he'd have been able to stop before it'd gotten too far.
When exactly had he started falling for Hope without realizing it? Had it started when he'd agreed to keep her secret and even gotten her a job? Or had it started way before that? Or way after? Where exactly had he gone wrong that had landed him in the present moment?
He felt torn between the urging to submit to his overwhelming feelings that seemed to be growing at a rate faster than even him could process and listening to the nagging voice continuously reminding him of how Hope had become his little sister right from the moment they'd been introduced. Was he then a pervert for feeling the way he felt about her?
His thoughts were threatening to swallow him whole. He needed an intervention. He had to talk to someone before he finally lost it.
• ~ •
The minute Efe stepped into his friend's apartment and saw him lying miserably on the bare floor with his eyes trained on the ceiling, he instantly sensed something was very wrong. Not to mention that Raymond had called him prior and practically begged him to come over and asked him to bring a very strong drink. Which was even more cause for alarm since Raymond didn't drink.
"If I wasn't worried before, I definitely am now," Efe declared as he lowered himself down on the floor beside Raymond who was still staring up at the ceiling like there was something interesting in it. Curious, Efe glanced up and studied the ceiling in case he was missing something but nope, there was nothing to see there.
"Where's the drink?" Raymond demanded without even sparing his friend a glance.
Efe's brows shot up. "I didn't actually think you were serious about that."
Raymond sighed, and it was filled with so much. "I really could have used it though."
"What's going on, Ray?" Efe probed, concerned. "You're being weirder than usual, and it's starting to weird me out as well."
"I almost kissed Hope," Raymond blurted.
Efe frowned, confused. "Who's Hope?"
Raymond turned his head slightly to shoot his friend a pointed look. "You know exactly who Hope is."
"Actually, I don't," Efe shot back. "The only Hope I know, related to you at least, is Sophie's sister and it couldn't possibly be her you're talking about. So, I ask again. Who's Hope?"
Raymond didn't reply as he stared at his friend but the look on his face said it all. Efe's mouth dropped open in disbelief as realization dawned.
"You can't be serious."
"Don't get all critical on me," Raymond pleaded, rubbing his temples with his fingers. "I already have a headache as it is."
"What were you thinking?" Efe demanded, and if Raymond hadn't been incapable of any positive emotions at that moment, he would have laughed aloud at the look on his friend's face. "How did that even happen? I thought it was Val . . . Wait. How? When?"
"I don't know, okay? Technically, I didn't exactly do anything wrong. I don't get why I have to feel so bad," Raymond lamented. "Her mum called me today, and the guilt was just ripping me inside out. I've never felt this terrible, Efe. I really do care about Hope. So why do I have to feel this way?"
"Slow down, lover boy. I really am still trying to piece this together. So, you almost kissed Hope. Sophie's sister. Okay." His lips pursed and Raymond could almost give him credit as he seemed to be genuinely making an effort to understand. "Isn't she like sixteen or something?"
"She's twenty one, Efe."
"Twenty one, sixteen. Same thing if you ask me," Efe insisted. "You're twenty nine."
"She's more mature than all those girls you date," Raymond shot back defensively.
"Whoa, whoa." Efe stared unbelievably at Raymond. "First, you drop that bomb on me and now, you're being all defensive. Just how long has this been going on?"
"Nothing is going on," Raymond corrected.
"Yet you almost kissed her. Now, you're freaking out. That's not nothing in my book, princess," Efe argued. "I mean, you keep coming to me for love advice. Me. That's just to show you how serious your case actually is."
Raymond squinted his eyes at his friend. It almost seemed like Efe was laughing at him. "I honestly can't believe you find this amusing, Efe."
His friend shrugged, unable to hide his smirk.
Raymond couldn't find it in him to match his friend's amusement. "I'm having an internal crisis here, and I really just need you to answer me this. Is this . . . wrong?"
"What exactly is this?" Efe asked.
"Everything. My feelings for her. Are they wrong?"
Efe faltered, searching for the right words. He somehow sensed whatever he said was only going to end up hurting his friend. "I don't know, Ray. She's Sophie's sister. What do you think?"
"That's all I've been thinking about all day, and I still haven't been able to come to a conclusion on my own," Raymond rubbed his eyes, frustrated. "I really need you to tell me what I'm feeling is wrong."
"It seems to me you already made your decision and you're only waiting for me to confirm it," Efe reasoned, stalling.
"Just answer me, Efe."
"I don't want to be the one to judge your feelings, but. . . I don't think pursuing anything with her is a good idea. I mean, you both are practically family and things don't just work like that."
Raymond's heart sank even further, his jaw clenching as if the words physically brought him pain. He'd wanted to hear that. He'd needed someone else to confirm to him what he already knew. What he hadn't anticipated was how bad it was going to hurt. It felt like someone had in an instant ripped his heart and locked it away in a bottomless pit, never to be seen or held again.
Efe's heart stirred sympathetically for his friend who seemed to have the worse luck when it came to love. He'd seen Raymond broken many times over, but Efe didn't think he'd ever seen him like this. While he was just lying there calmly with his eyes trained once more on the ceiling, at the one glance, it didn't look as if anything was out of place. Efe however knew better. The unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach as he watched his friend confirmed it; a feeling that stemmed from several years of friendship.
"Even if it's wrong, can't I still do it?"
Efe almost missed the whispered words. When they registered, they floored him, honestly. Efe was used to his friend taking steps back from potentially messy situations that it was surprising seeing him like this.
"What? Are you saying you're still going to go ahead and pursue whatever this is with her? Even if her family, your family disapprove?"
Raymond's eyes shut but he didn't say anything.
Efe sighed. "Alright, fine. Let's think of it this way. Whatever these feelings you have for her, I'm sure they didn't spring up overnight?"
Raymond was silent, not quite sure where the conversation was going.
Undeterred, Efe continued, "So you must have been struggling with your feelings for her at the same time you were confused about Val?"
Raymond hesitantly nodded. That was more or less the summary of it.
"And you told me about Val. Why didn't you tell me about Hope?" Efe concluded.
"I'm telling you now," Raymond pointed out.
"Yes, but why didn't you tell me before now?"
Raymond faltered. He had never even considered it. Why hadn't he?
Efe nodded as if that was answer enough for him. "I think you know the answer to that, Ray."
He was right, Raymond realized. He might not have been aware of it, but a part of him had always been guarded when it came to his feelings for Hope. He'd always known they were never really going to lead anywhere.
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's not really that I think your feelings for her are wrong," Efe admitted, catching Raymond by surprise, his gaze burned with need for clarity. "It's not as if it's your fault that you like her, and you're not actual siblings."
"Now you're just being confusing," Raymond complained.
"My opinion doesn't change the fact that this is eating you up anyway, and you probably feel that way because of your family." Efe held his hand up, a gesture for his friend to hush when it seemed he was about to protest. "My point is . . . While I don't condemn your feelings for her, a lot of people are going to say otherwise, probably even your family. It's left for you to decide if this thing with her is going to be worth all the trouble you might end up getting."
Raymond sighed, the sound pressing down on him. "You're right. Surprisingly, you're right."
Efe nodded but said nothing else, leaving Raymond once more to his turbulent thoughts.
• ~ • ~ •
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