He listens to the narration of her memories and notices every change in her voice, which reveals exactly whether she is feeling pain, longing or despair at the thought of them. His feelings adapt to hers, so that he alternates between feeling pity, sympathy and warmth. Especially when [Y/N] talks about Emily, he feels this warmth, this extreme form of affection, which he knows only too well from his friendship with Steve. Many of her memories are no longer there. Especially when it comes to her life before Hydra. Maybe these memories will come back one day, but maybe, Bucky thinks, it is better for her not to think back to old days and dead friends like him and Steve do. He almost feels sorry for [Y/N] but he knows she doesn't want pity, which makes him feel something even stronger: admiration. He admires her strength as she tells him what she went through and there is always a hint of relief and determination in her voice. He admires her handling of her experiences and the strength to deal with them in a way that he was never able to do with his own.
His gaze wanders down their arms, which lie between them, to their hands, whose fingers are intertwined. Depending on the story, [Y/N] had increased or decreased the pressure of her fingers or when she was talking about Emily, let her thumb run gently over his skin. A wave of well-being fills him at this sight while he, lost in thought, begins to stroke the back of her hand with his thumb. Without taking his attention from her words, he thinks about how normal it feels to lie next to her and hold her hand. How normal this warmth feels when they're that close and how normal his life feels with her around. His gaze rests on his right hand, made entirely of flesh, and only for a brief moment does he wonder how his life would have been if he hadn't fallen off the train. But he can't find a solide answer. A life without war, struggle, torture and a life without [Y/N] seems too surreal for him. She was his salvation and her tremendous willpower will be her own salvation too. He knows she doesn't need him to endure her fate. [Y/N] doesn't need anyone. Not Steve, not Natasha, not him. She is strong enough to get along in life on her own. But she is here with them because it enriches [Y/N]. And he admires that strength of her. The strength to always care more about her friends than about herself. A noble, but sometimes stupid quality, as Steve had proven often enough.
He lifts his gaze again and looks into the depths of her eyes in which he gets lost as so often. He is amazed how normal it feels for him to be so close with her and how nice it is to hear her voice, no matter what she tells him.
Hours go by in which they talk to each other and share their memories. Talking to Bucky not only makes [Y/N]'s memories more real, it also makes it easier for her to process what she's experienced. Hours pass during which they take turns in their conversations and Bucky takes over the active part more than once. He talks about the few memories of his sister and his parents, the trace of grief can only be easily recognized by his voice since he finished with this part of his story a long time ago. He talks, once again, of evenings with the Howling Commandos, the memories often make him smile.
It becomes very late and the room is only lit by the small night light. Both lie on their sides and look at each other. As so often, [Y/N]'s gaze is on his dog tags that have slipped out of the neckline of his shirt. "Why are you wearing them again?" she asks gently as her fingers run over the cool metal.
Bucky's eyes wander over her soft features until they reach her [y/ec] eyes again, glowing like the eyes of a child - curious and sincere. He moves his arm to grasp [Y/N]'s upper body and pull her closer to him. With a smile on her lips, she rests her head on his shoulder. "They remind me of who I was" admits Bucky gently and presses a kiss on her hair. "Who I am. That I'm no longer the Winter Soldier but James Buchanan Barnes."
Since [Y/N] can't think of a suitable answer, she lifts her eyes to smile affectionately at Bucky, who gives her a loving kiss on the lips. A tingling sensation runs through her body the moment their lips touch and automatically she finds a rhythm with Bucky's lips. His second arm now also wraps around her in order to be able to hold her even better, while the loving touch of her lips seems to continue to heal the broken pieces of his soul. Her kisses are tender, loving, affectionate and he will not interrupt her until he has to catch his breath to enjoy the feeling for as long as possible.
***
Eventually, [Y/N] has fallen asleep and lies in his arms quiet and peaceful. Her head is on his chest, her arm around his stomach. She's close. Very close. The constant beating of his heart had made her fall asleep. Having her that close is an unusual feeling for Bucky. To have someone so close after all these years. But he enjoys it. He enjoys how familiar her presence feels and how close she is to him.
He thinks back to the days in Bucharest when he could hardly bear her closeness, feared to hurt her and scared of her being a threat and how he is no longer afraid of it because he knows that there is no reason to. [Y/N] had believed in him even when he hadn't done it himself. And he thinks of the time when he slowly gained confidence and they sat together for hours. At night, under cover of darkness and sometimes in the morning for breakfast. So much has changed since then but he couldn't be happier.
He looks admiringly at the woman in his arms and watches her sleep peacefully. "You amaze me, [Y/N]" he whispers, more to himself, knowing she can't hear him and presses a kiss on her hair before he closes his eyes and paints gentle patterns on her back with his fingers while trying to fall asleep as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things change in the compound.
Small changes, but noticeable.
First, Wanda and Vision leave the compound again and leave their 5 friends behind. But even though Wanda was there to help [Y/N] in first place, being the only other person who knows how to control minds, [Y/N] gets along without her pretty well. The very next day she has told her friends what Wanda had achieved and what she could remember. But she didn't go into detail as much as she did when she talked to Bucky. Her memories are private informations, a treasure of the beautiful friendship with Emily and they belong to [Y/N] herself. And even though she loves her friends, she wants to keep those memories to herself, just like everyone else has memories that they keep to themselves as well.
The second thing that changes is [Y/N] herself. She becomes stronger again and her mood swings become less. She doesn't hide in her room anymore and finds back to the routine she needs. She's training five days per week and improves her fighting skills and builds up her muscles. She's not only becoming psychically stronger but physically as well.
She can finally accept her past with Hydra, knowing that she never really had a choice and was not the cruel person she lately thought she was. And even if it sounds cold-hearted at first, she knows that there is no point in mourning the past. Emily is dead and unfortunately there is nothing she can do about that. Instead, [Y/N] wants to comply with Emily's wish and leave her past behind. She wants to focus on the present again and what lies ahead.
Even though there's a lot of hard work ahead of her to cope with her past, she's doing great and her friends support her the best they can.
And said ones change, too. Everyone feels more relaxed and their mood is a lot better. Jokes are made and days are enjoyed. Things almost go on the way they did before Steve and Natasha left, except [Y/N]'s healing process, being haunted less by nightmares.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bucky sits opposite to Steve, his forehead wrinkled as he tries to focus on the poker cards in his hands. Not that it would be difficult to beat Steve because he's still awful at that game. It's a rare evening where the two best friends spend some alone time together and [Y/N] enjoys a girl's night with Natasha.
"There must be a way to help her" he says, talking about [Y/N]'s memory loss. No one knows how the serum attacks her brain cells and how fast it'll take her to forget what she now remembers. He knows that she's drawing whatever she can remember and she even started writing on the back of her drawings, like it's going to help her to keep her memories or bring them back once she has forgotten them.
"There's only one biochemist I know who knows anything about the Super Soldier Serum."
"Banner" mumbles Bucky disappointed, who, by now, knows what has happened to the Doctor. Steve nods. "What about Wakanda? After all, they were able to erase my programming. Maybe they know how to help her."
Steve sighs. "We're already more than enough in T'Challa's debt. Other than that, your programming was psychological. I don't know if they can help [Y/N]."
"It's worth a try, isn't it? We're in a medical center here after all!"
"It's an outreach center" Steve corrects his friend. "The medical department is for emergency care for people who can't afford health insurance. Nobody here could help [Y/N]."
"Well, Wakanda it is then, isn't it? There must be someone else besides Dr. Banner who can help her."
Steve puts his cards aside and looks at his friend with a serious gaze. "I want to help [Y/N] as much as you do. And I can talk to T'Challa. But we should keep in mind that [Y/N] has to make that decision herself, Buck."
"I know that" sighs Bucky. "I'm only interested in the possibility. The possibility of a chance that we can offer her."
"I know we try not to have these kind of conversations..." Steve trails off as he wonders if he should pick up his cards again to continue playing or if he should wait some more. "But if [Y/N] hadn't been with us... Would you still have joined us, living here?"
Bucky's gaze moves from his own cards up to Steve's eyes and back to his cards. His tongue licks over his lips as he thinks. "I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not."
"Probably not" Steve says as he tries to hide his smirk, knowing his best friend better than that.
"Yeah, probably not" Bucky chuckles as he feels slightly ashamed but he manages to look back into Steve's blue eyes. "I'd probably have stayed in Wakanda for some longer. Living with you always means trouble" he smirks and this time, Steve chuckles. "You're not going to tell her, I hope?"
"That you joined us moving here just because of her? Don't you worry, the mushy part is all yours."
"Yeah... Can't wait to kick your ass in that game now for that" Bucky answers as they continue to play.