Trigger Warning: Self Harm and mentions of Sexual Assault
I just started writing this after the idea popped into my head so lemme know if you like. Feel free to give me feedback !
Ronan
It had been about 2 weeks since my conversation with Luke in the store. I still don't know how to feel about it.
It's been 2 years since he decided to very kindly curb stomp my heart.
I wish there was more to it than just wishing for him to come back.
I know it's unrealistic but I loved him and I still care about him.
Even if he did me dirty, for him I'd do anything.
I'd die for him but I know he wouldn't do the same.
I was on FaceTime with Calum listening to him ramble on about ways to get a fake ID.
Apparently his mom has a hot friend but she won't give him a second glance considering he's a child LOL.
I've listened to him complain about this woman for nearly a year. He likes her so much but she says it's already over.
Apparently she's got a tattoo in a scandalous area and he fantasizes about getting to it.
I just smile and nod most of the time.
He says he tells me this stuff because 'I'm a woman and Mikey doesn't know what the hell he's talking about' but I know the real reason, it's because Mikey teases him about it and he wants to talk about it with someone who won't make fun of him.
I always end up trying to help him in someway but he never takes my advice.
I honestly think he just wants someone to gush about it to.
I don't mind, if I had someone I liked a lot, I'd wanna gush about them a lot without being made fun of too.
Which makes my mind drift back to Luke. I really really miss him.
I miss his cuddles, I miss him staying over, I miss watching mean girls with him even though we've seen it 100 times before.
I miss out conversations and how we'd tell each other everything. I miss my best friend.
The one who I didn't even really realize I fell for until after he left my life.
"Ronan ? Ronan ? Earth to Ronan-" Calum says as he waves a hand in front of the camera to try and get my attention.
I look at him, snapping out of my trance. "What ?" I say trying to act as if I wasn't just totally spacing out on him.
"I was trying to tell yo- why are you crying ?" He asks looking concerned.
I furrow my brows and touch my face. Sure enough, there was wetness on my cheeks. I hadn't even noticed them.
"Oh I don't know- hm that's weird." I reply, shrugging. "Wait a minute- this isn't over-" he tries to say.
"Look Cal, I gotta go. I'll call you back later. Best of luck to you with your moms friend." I say quickly, ending the call before he can get the chance to respond.
I run a hand through my hair. I turn on some music and listen to it as a way to calm my nerves.
I wonder how I didn't notice I was crying when I was thinking of Luke.
But I guess if you're not paying attention you won't notice the little things.
I always payed attention to Luke. Maybe not always to what he said which now thinking back on it, I wish I did more often.
But I always payed attention to his face, and the little facial expressions that may not be noticeable to anyone else, like when he's laughing so hard and his nose scrunches up, or when he doesn't like something but doesn't say anything because he didn't wanna be mean.
He was my best friend, who I fell for but didn't even know it until after he left.
He was my moon, who'd brighten up the darkness.
But right now he was the darkness.
I wonder if he ever felt the same way.
But I know that he probably didn't considering he abandoned me. But as bad as that sounds, I'd still go back to him in a heartbeat.
I got off my bed and decided I'd go down to my special spot that no one knew about.
Not even Luke.
. . .
I sat down on the bench, admiring the way the waterfall, and the sounds the water below made. It was a pretty tall cliff.
The drop probably ranging to 100-150 ft drop. It was beautiful and quiet, the only sounds coming from the water.
It was peaceful.
This was my get away, it was my favorite place. Well, Luke was my getaway and my favorite place but he wasn't here anymore. So this place became those when he couldn't.
I've jumped off from here before, the water being safe and deep.
The water was very clear blue and you could see anything and everything.
Once I was satisfied with my time, I turned back home.
It was pretty late by the time I got there. 9:00 p.m. the clock read which was late considering it was a school night and still had yet to do my homework.
I trudged up the stairs, did my night routine and then my homework. It was midnight by the time I finished everything. But I didn't mind too much.
I plugged in my phone and laptop. And settled in my bed, sleep consuming me almost immediately.
My dreams consisting of the all too familiar blue eyed blonde.
. . .
I got up a little later than usual, today. The clock read 6:22 a.m.
I pulled out my long sleeve shirts, deciding on a white long sleeve cropped vans shirt. And some distressed skinny jeans.
I grabbed my vans and did my morning routine.
Face washed, Makeup on, teeth brushed. I headed out the door with 5 minutes to spare.
I left my hair down and alone. And headed to school.
I walked the halls, my green eyes noticing people staring at me as I walked past.
Whispers were spread amongst the people in the halls.
I wasn't entirely sure what everyone was talking about and staring at me for but I shrugged it off.
I made it to my 1st period and was met with everyone's eyes on me.
Why the hell was everyone acting so god damn weird ? weirder than usual I should say.
I sat through the class not speaking for looking up at all.
2nd period came around rather quickly despite everyone's eyes.
I walked in and smiled at Mikey.
Everyone's eyes were once again on me.
He turned to me looking rather sad. "What ?" I mouthed.
He mouthed back, "sit down right now." I obliged.
Luke in his assigned seat, next to me.
I turned to Mikey and saw he had an expecting expression. "Why the hell is everyone acting so weird ?" I asked him, my eyebrows furrowed. "You didn't hear ?"
He asked his face looking even more sad than before. "Hear what ?" I asked getting kind of annoyed now.
"There's a sex tape of you going around." He said wincing at the words that just came out of his mouth.
No this can't be happening- I turned to see everyone staring at me.
Some snickering, some making disgusted faces at me while whispering things like "slut" and "whore" my eyes watering under everyone's gaze.
My eyes then met with His.
The ocean eyes I had grown to love, couldn't even look me in the eye for longer than two seconds.
I felt a tear slide down my face before I quickly grabbed my books and ran out, Mikey calling after me.
I ran into the bathroom stall.
I was doing so good and this has to happen, I pulled out the blade that used to be my best friend.
I pulled up my sleeves before cutting into my scarred skin.
I grabbed toilet paper and wrapped it around my arm careful not to get it on my shirt.
Tears stain my cheeks.
After it stopped bleeding, I grabbed some bandages out of my bag and wrapped em up before adding my bracelets over them.
I pulled my sleeves down and wiped away my tears.
I got up considering I've been in there for an entire hour, it was now lunchtime.
I headed to the cafeteria, and sat in front of Calum. He heard too, he looked at me with sad eyes. "I'm sorry, Ro" he said.
That nickname that Luke called me, not having the same affect coming from his mouth.
I looked up and him and closed my eyes. "I didn't have sex with them, you know." I said sighing as my breath shortened a little.
Not sure if I should tell him, where we are at least. "Then how is there a sex tape of you ?"
He asked genuinely curious. "That's what happened at the party sophomore year." My eyes watering as I said it.
He still looked confused. Mikey came and sat down next to us. "What are you doin here ?" I asked. "I skipped my class to see if you were in here." He said immediately.
"Come to my car, we'll talk there. I don't really feel like having all these eyes on me." I said looking around as people stared at us. "Yea okay." Mikey replied and Calum nodded.
"So before I tell you this, I need to know that you'll keep this to yourselves." I say not being able to make eye contact with them.
They both agreed.
"Sophomore year is when everything really started to suck. I lost Luke, and my mom. And then that party happened and I lost myself too."
They looked at me as if telling me to continue. To which I did.
"I was asked to go to a party with Kyler who was a senior at the time."
"I know him, he was a real asshole." Calum said.
"Anyway, I decided to go as a distraction. He went to get drinks and I told him I wanted water. When he returned with it, I downed it almost instantly. A-and my vision started turning fuzzy before he took me into a room where I blacked out all together." I tried to get out.
"HE ROOFIED YOU ?" Mikey yelled, shock running through his boy.
"Yes, he did." I replied looking down in shame.
"When I woke up- I was being raped but Kyler.
The whole football team behind him minus Luke.
They all waited their turn.
And I was screaming and crying. Mascara running down my face, they didn't stop or care.
They clamped their hands over my mouth as I sobbed.
I was a virgin.
They all had their phones out recording.
There was one girl in the room. It was Sara.
She was recording and laughing." I said shakily.
"So that's why you flinch anytime someone even taps on you ?"
I nodded trying to stop the tears now running down my face.
Nobody has been able to touch me without me flinching ever since that party. I hate that I am this way.
They sat there with shocked and horrified expressions.
. . .
They stayed with me that night.
We skipped the next week.
We had fun and goofed around the house.