TRIGGER WARNING: Mentioning of Sexual Assault and Self Harm
Ronan
I had woken up on my front lawn.
My dress sitting messily. My shoes thrown carelessly.
My confused state instantly turned to horror when I felt a throbbing pain in between my legs, and last nights memories came flooding back in.
I felt so sick.
I pulled myself off the ground and walked slowly up the stairs to my room.
Tears coming down my face.
I walked into the bathroom and flinched at the sight.
I had mascara all over my face, and bruises all over.
My hair was sticking up all over the place. And my dress was pulled up.
Bruises forming all over the inside of my thighs.
I pulled my dress off slowly, watching myself in the mirror as my eyes looked more broken each time I moved.
I got into the shower and washed myself. I felt absolutely disgusting and broken.
All I can think of is how I shouldn't have gone. My vision becomes more blurry as I think back to the memories.
And a certain someone who was recording the events taking place.
I knew then in there that it would never get better.
I grabbed a razor that I used to cut Luke's hair at the beginning of the year and dragged it across my wrists.
The pain immediately making me feel a little better rather than the usual numbness.
I found my ways to cope.
Looking in the mirror, I needed some sort of control. So I started chopping my long chocolate brown hair.
I grabbed the bleach that I had stowed away from when I was too chicken to do anything but wanted to have it in case, started mixing the ingredients. I then began to go at my hair.
Feeling somewhat accomplished and a little better, I cleaned up my mess and spent the rest of the weekend laying in my bed only moving to go to the bathroom or to eat every now and again.
Although I hadn't had much of an appetite.
When I walked in on Monday, I knew I looked more broken as I walked in.
Even though it was pretty hot for almost being November, I wore a lot of layers to hide the bruises. I wore a black shirt with a flannel and my black skinny jeans and my beat up converse.
I walked past the Jocks who were laughing and fist bumping while shouting names at me like, "slut" "you wanted it" etc. I walked into my first period with glossy eyes and killed time.
Michael still mouths funny stuff to me in 2nd and I couldn't even crack a small smile.
Calum and I haven't spoken much other than the usual small talk in 3rd.
A few people stared at me in my classes, I can't tell if it's because of my hair or because they heard of what happened at the party.
I'm assuming my hair because Calum immediately complimented it when I walked in and sat down.
"Your hair looks so pretty, did you do it yourself ?" He asks, eyes glistening while admiring my hair. "Thank you, I did indeed do it myself." I replied giving a small smile.
I looked over at Luke who was already staring at me. I sighed, slumping down before looking down at my notebook.
The bell rang and I didn't even bother going to the cafeteria.
I went to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall.
I pulled the blade out giving myself some new cuts to add to the ones from the previous night.
The long sleeve flannel and bracelets being able to cover them.
I lift my legs up when I hear the door being opened and two girls coming in.
I grabbed toilet paper and held it to my newly added wounds.
"Did you see her walk in today ? She looked so pathetic. She even changed her hair" I heard a squeaky voice laugh.
"I hear that she slept with the whole football team at the party on Friday." The other said as a matter of factly.
The first voice replied with "oh she totally did, I was in the room. I even recorded it." I looked through the separation in between the door and the frame of the stall.
Seeing Luke's girlfriend and her friend standing in front of the mirror. "Oh my god, what a slut." The brunette responding, eyes widening and laughing as she added more lip gloss.
"Cmon, I told Luke we'd only be gone for 5 minutes at max" The blonde giggled.
A tear slipped down my cheek.
I instantly wipe it away.
Getting off the toilet and standing normally rather than me standing on top of the toilet a few moments before.
I grabbed my phone and headed out of the bathroom.
Running into a body on my way out.
I looked up and saw the all too familiar blue orbs looking back.
I quickly darted past him and headed to my next class. The rest of the day went by slow as usual.
I drove myself home and went up to my room.
Will this ever end ?
. . .
2 years later
I woke up to my annoying alarm clock an got up at my usual time.
I went to take a shower before grabbing some clothes. I grabbed a hoodie from Luke's old stuff and pulled on a pair of jeans.
Pulling on my Old school Vans and doing my morning routine that has been the same since freshman year when I started wearing makeup.
I brushed my teeth and grabbed my backpack. My dad is never home, I won't even be surprised if he's never home after I move out either.
I walk past the picture of my mom, telling her I love and miss her before walking out of the house.
I started the car and put the aux cord into my phone. The sounds of Green Day filling the car. I make it to school and park.
I have more classes with Luke than I did when we were actually friends. I slowly walk to my locker and open it, after I got what I needed I headed to my 1st period.
I sat down not speaking to anyone.
Luke sat behind me. I kept to myself in the classes that I didn't have Michael or Calum.
I would hear Luke's conversation about what girl he had sex with and how him and Sara were on and off again.
Sara.
The blonde bitch from sophomore year.
I hated her.
I did my work and turned it in.
I turned to sit in my seat when someone tripped me. I kept my eyes on the ground. Everyone was laughing.
My 2nd period was more manageable, I had Michael in it and no one dared to do anything in front of him.
The last time someone did, the guy ended up needing stitches.
I smiled at Michael as I sat down in my desk right next to him.
We mainly goofed off on this period which was a relief because it gave me a break.
3rd period I had Michael and Luke and I sat in between them.
Michael and I made jokes every now and again.
Luke, never saying a word to me or anyone in the class.
I walked to lunch with Calum and sat down after getting our food. We talked about comics and music mostly.
Lunch and 5th period being the only two periods I had Calum and Luke was in our 5th too.
We walked to 5th after an interesting conversation about the lego movie before taking our seats and silently taking out our supplies.
We sat down, him sitting in his seat in front of me. Luke sat across the room.
"Bro do you know how badly I wanted those ?" Calum asked disappointedly.
"What are you rambling on about now ?" I asked raising my eye brows.
He raised a hand to his chest faking to be offended that I wasn't listening to him talk that whole time.
"I was talking about how my sister ate the last pack of gummies." He said rolling is eyes.
I smiled at how ridiculous my friend could be.
The day ended as usual and the boys were coming over to hangout.
We pulled out Super smash bros and no surprise that I beat Cal. "That's not fair, Ronan ! You always do that-" I cut him off laughing "But it is fair because I didn't cheat. You just suck, Cal."
Mikey high fived me but ended up winning.
"YESSSS !! Bitches" Mikey screamed in victory. Causing Cal and I to burst out laughing at how stupid our friend was.
"I'm gonna go grab more snacks from the store since your fat asses ate them all." I said looking between them and the wrappers all around them.
"Bring back some gummies !" Calum yelled.
"AND PIZZA !!" Mikey added.
I laughed and left them.
I didn't mind leaving them in my house, they always end up doing some stupid shit though.
Last week I had to help Mikey remove is hand from the hole in the Lampshade that the light bulb usually goes through.
I made my way to the store, I grabbed a shit ton of food. Then I made my way to the tampon isle after remembering that I'm running low for my next period.
I went into the isle and grabbed a box, I noticed a lanky blonde in the same isle.
He looked lost.
His eyes met mine, he smiled awkwardly before clearing is throat. "My girlfriend needs tampons but I don't know which ones to get."
He said awkwardly before reaching his arm up to scratch the back of his neck.
I nodded before asking, "Oh. Well then why didn't she just go ?"
He just shrugged. "Do you know what S means ?" He asked looking rather confused. I just laughed "it means Super, Luke. The letters depend on how heavy the flow is." I said looking at him amused.
He still looked confused.
"Did she say which size to get ?" He shook his head "she said something about the small ones." I laughed and grabbed a box of regulars and handed it to him.
"Those are the small ones." He took the box from me "thank you." I just nodded and left the isle.
That was the longest conversation that I've had with Luke in a long time.
I grabbed a pizza on the way home and the boys instantly ran towards me like wild animals.
I just laughed.
Tonight was gonna be fun.
We started having sleepovers last year. Which consisted of eating way too much food and laughing so hard at the jokes we told each other.
They don't know exactly what happened at the party sophomore year just that something did happen, they don't push me on telling them what though.
I'm lucky to have friends like them, they remind me of what I used to be like with Luke.
Although no one could ever replace Luke.
I also haven't self harmed in months. I think of my mom as I look at the two idiots in the room.
I went to bed that night smiling as Calum and Mikey had fallen asleep in weird positions while wearing onesies.