My fingers dance around above the keyboard flashing on my phone screen and I groan, my thoughts a scrambled heap. I’ve been sat for fifteen minutes after finally saving Chan's number and it’s now quarter past eight in the evening; dinner was nearly none existent, the food half burnt and smelling strongly of vodka or whatever my mother gorges by the hour. She of course was nowhere to be seen. I assume she's still passed out on the ash stained couch.
Turning around on my bed, I shove my face into the pillow. What exactly am I supposed to say to him? I've never texted anyone apart from Leah ... let alone a whole specimen from the male sector.
I type him a quick message to let him know who I am, before flopping on to my back and looking up at the ceiling. My arms twinge with sudden pain and I turn to look at them; dried rivulets of crimson blood stripe the skin like a tiger, fresh wounds staring up at me like they’re trying to tempt me into adding new slashes. I look away to my other arm, this one hidden under thick, purple scars edged with slivery tissue, running down the length of my forearm. The familiar feeling of tears welling up in my eyes hits me and I blink rapidly, trying to clear my sight. A glint of metal a few inches away from my hands winks up at me like an open invitation. I stretch my arm, reaching for the blade ...
A sudden vibration snaps me out of my thoughts, my phone flashing with a new message. I click on it, entering the chat.
Chan: Hey Y/N :) I was beginning to lose all hope and thought you’d forgotten me ~
I automatically smile at that as I send my response.
Me: I thought you gave me the number for a prank
Another message arrives within a split second.
Bang Chan: Why would it be a prank D:
Oh my God he uses the old school emojis. That's kind of ... cute.
Me: I don’t know, people usually like making fun of me. Besides, you're popular and ... I'm not
Bang Chan: I don’t :( I gave you my number because you seem different from everyone else
Me: Different?
Bang Chan: Well for one you don’t follow us around, and two you just seem like a really nice person
My mind is whirling with commotion as thoughts fight with each other, each side trying to get their point across. This has got to be a joke. It just has to.
Me: Ha very funny
Bang Chan: I’m telling the truth!
Grinning, I tuck my silver hair behind my ear and get cosy in my bed before replying to him. I tuck the duvet around me as a feeling of lightness settles at the bottom of my heart ... I almost shudder. I haven't felt such a feeling in ... well ... forever.
Feeling drowsy suddenly, I decide to lay down on my side. But I obviously overestimated my energy levels as I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, my phone cradled softly in my hand.
A harsh ringing jolts me from my slumber and it takes a few disoriented moments to realise it's coming from my phone. Yawning, I accept the call without checking the caller ID. I quickly wipe at my cheeks which I find to be wet; I must have been crying in my sleep again. Great.
“Hello?” I ask, fiddling with the bow on my shorts. I hope my voice doesn't betray my fatigue and depression.
A sleepy voice replies on the other end, one that I can't pinpoint. Then my eyes widen and I sit up straight, all the blood inside of me rushing to my face.
“Y/N? Are you okay?” Chan questions, his voice startling me. Oh God this is embarrassing.
“I’m fine," I reply, rubbing my aching temples. "Why did you call?"
“You suddenly dissappeared, I was worried,” he says. “Sorry for disturbing you.”
“I fell asleep. Sorry for making you worry,” I apologise. Then I frown. He was worried?
“No no, sorry for waking you up.”
I giggle, my voice cracking and emitting a hoarse whisper. I hope he doesn’t notice. “Are we just going to keep apologising to each other?”
Chan chuckles. “I don’t know, are we?”
The two of us end up giggling with hands over our mouths, trying to muffle the sound; it's past midnight, and I don't fancy waking my mother up.
“Y/N?” He suddenly speaks.
“Mhm?”
“Do you want to meet in our form room again tomorrow morning?”
Caught off guard at his question, I splutter. I wonder if I've misheard him, or if I'm still asleep and none of this is actually happening. "What?"
"It's okay if you don't want to - "
“No, no," I protest, clearing my throat. "I’d like that,” I whisper as my voice cracks further.
"Really?"
He sounds surprised, and I'm not sure why. If anything, I'm the one who should be sounding surprised that he asked me. What could he possibly gain from wanting to meet in the morning? It's not that I don't want to ... I just ... well I'm not sure what to expect.
"Yeah," I reply. If I'm honest, I did enjoy Chan's company this morning, even if it was a really short period of time.
“Great. I’ll let you go to sleep then. Sorry, once more,” he says, and I can hear the smile on his lips. My own lips begin to turn up at the corners, and I curse silently. God dammit, I think. This boy is contagious.
“It’s okay. Chan?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you. You know, for talking to me.”
There’s a short pause and I wonder if I shouldn't have said anything. “I should be the one thanking you for being so … so nice. Come talk to me whenever you want, okay?”
“Okay. Night, Chan,” I yawn, ignoring the fluttering sensation deep in the pit of my stomach. I don't even have the courage to text this guy ... how does he expect me to speak to him more in person?
“Sleep well, Y/N."
***
The next morning as I get ready, I get a text from Leah.
Leah: Who were you talking to so late last night? It said you were online at 12! You’re never on that late
I frown. Why is she acting so strange lately?
Me: I was talking to Chan.
Leah: WTF WHAT? WHY WERE YOU TALKING TO HIM? YOU SHOULD BE TALKING TO ME, NO ONE ELSE!
I raise an eyebrow. What the hell is wrong with her lately?
Me: Calm down, it wasn’t about anything important.
Leah: Yeah bet it wasn’t
Rolling my eyes I put my phone away, not bothering to answer her. I don’t know what’s gotten into her lately. She's acting really ... mean. Well. Meaner than usual. She's always been mean.
Sighing, I stretch before getting dressed. I pull on some fishnet tights and a knee length plaid skirt in scarlet and black, tucking in a black t-shirt into the waistband before lacing up some heavy duty biker boots and adding a leather jacket on top. Looking in the full length mirror I pout at my reflection in dissatisfaction, my shoulder length hair a messy heap of straw sat on my pale head. Shrugging, I head downstairs, determined to tackle another draining day.
Once I get to school I head straight to form, ignoring the judgemental stares from people I’ve never even seen before. I’m known as the school’s weirdo, the one who's always covered in ink, the one who only has one friend. The ugly one who doesn’t fit in. And I'm okay with that, honestly. I've never known anything different.
Pushing open the door to the form room, I’m surprised to see Chan already there, sat in the dark with the blinds closed. I grin at him as he waves at me.
“You like sitting in the dark?” I ask him, dumping my jangling backpack onto the desk.
He nods. “It’s calming. And that way no one can tell if I’m inside.”
I raise an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
Chan leans back and rubs his hands over his face before running them through his white curls. “It’s hard, with all those girls running after me every second of the day. I hate it. I hate being popular. I hate coming in to find random boxes of chocolates and gifts in my locker from people I don’t know. I wish I could just be the boy who has his own group of friends and isn’t bothered by anyone else.”
“I didn’t know you felt that way,” I admit, sitting down. “I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that. It sounds exhausting.
He gives me a sad smile, before placing his legs on his desk. “It is. Speaking of, I think I'll take a little nap. Night Y/N."