LI
Nakarating kay Mama ang tungkol sa amin ni Stav. Auntie told her about it. Kaya kahit may isang linggo na ang lumipas, iyon ang bungad niya sa akin.
"Akala mo hindi makararating sa akin ang kapasawayan mo? Sabihin mo sa akin ang totoo. Ano'ng namamagitan sa inyo ng batang Valerio na iyon?" Mama's words were sharp when she summoned me in her office.
Napalunok ako. Hindi ko alam kung aamin at ipaglalaban si Stav. Wala na ring silbi kung magsisinungaling pa ako. May hinala na rin naman si Mama.
"Paano mo siya nakilala? Iyon ba ang dahilan kaya lagi kang umaalis ng mansyon, ha?"
Sa bawat segundong hindi ako makasagot, nauupos ang pasensiya nito. Bakas iyon sa nagdidilim niyang paningin. Tinitigan ako nito bago tuluyang bumugso ang kaniyang galit.
"Zhalia, hindi kita pinagbabakasyon rito para makipaglandian! I let you have your summers here so you won't miss us, not so you can go around flirting with a Valerio boy!" Her rage stormed through the room.
"I'm sorry, Mama."
When we fight, a sorry was all I can really say. Marami akong gustong sabihin ngunit hindi ako makapagsalita sa sama ng loob at takot. Nanginginig at hinahapo ang bawat paumanhin ko, isang tahimik na pakiusap na tumigil na ito.
"Diyos ko, hija. You are so young to be flirting around! That's common sense, right? We gave you the best education so you could be a prim and proper young lady but now, you did this! What a disappointment!"
You know what happened next. My heartbeat elevated to a dangerous level when Mama hit me. I turned stoned cold. Hindi ako makahinga. Muli akong nilamon ng takot.
Masakit ang sampal niya at ang bawat hampas niya sa akin sa tuwing pinagbabantaan ako na huwag nang uulit sa ginawa ko.
"Promise me you won't see the boy again."
Napatango na lang ako sa sobrang takot. Umiiyak ako sa buong oras na sinisigawan ako nito. I cried so much, it felt like a payback from all the days I have spent so happy.
"You know I would not have done this if you were a good girl.." Mama said when she had calmed down a bit.
The blame is on me after all.
Umaagos pa ang mga luha ko at mahapdi pa ang pisngi ko nang iwan ang opisina nito. Hindi ako natulog nang gabing iyon.
Have you ever felt like you belong nowhere? Like everywhere else suffocates you? Palagi ko iyong nararamdaman. But when it happens, I imagine a place where everything is calm, where I am at peace, safe, rested and comforted.
Now I no longer need to imagine. I knew that peace and solace is not always a place, sometimes, it's found in a person. When you find that, would you ever want to return to chaos? I'd rather be in Stav's arms always than anywhere else, no matter how exaggerated that may sound.
Dahil pakiramdam ko wala akong kakampi sa bahay at ano mang oras ay sasaktan nila ako, mas umiigting ang kagustuhan kong makasama si Stav. Ngayong tahasan nila kaming pinaghihiwalay, mas nagrerebelde ang puso ko. Gusto kong kalabanin ang lahat. Gusto ko silang suwayin.
When you are tied with chains, you want to be free from them. Not because you are stubborn or untamed but simply because chains hurt. The chains around my neck had been hurting for so long, I could no longer tolerate them. Gusto kong puntahan si Stav.
At iyon nga ang ginawa ko. Noong nakapasok na sa kaniya kaniyang trabaho sila Mama, nagpasama ulit akong umalis kay Lyon. Pati si Ida, sinamahan na rin kami ngayon dahil wala ng tiwala ang mayordoma kay Lyon.
"Thank you Lyon for doing this." Binalingan ko si Lyon habang naglalakad kami sa taniman.
Sa harapan namin ay ang matataas na tubo at ang nakapapasong sinag ng araw. I squinted my eyes to Lyon whose fairly tanned skin was turning a bit red from the sun.
"Don't be dramatic. Bilisan mo at sandali lang tayo," Hinigit ni Lyon ang kamay ko at tinakbo namin ang tubuhan.
Dumapo ang mga mata ko sa pulso nito. Palagi niyang sinusuot ang bracelet na niregalo ko sa kaniya.
"Oh, ayun na si Stav. Dito na lang siguro kami ni Ida." Ani Lyon nang matanaw namin si Stav.
"Pwede niyo naman kaming samahan."
"'Wag na, Lia. Gusto mo pa yata kaming gawing audience sa pag-PPDA niyo. Respeto naman."
Tumawa ako at binalingan si Ida.
"Thank you din sa'yo, Ida. Pati tuloy ikaw nadamay pa--"
"Mauna ka na, Lia. Hindi naman tayo magtatagal at babalik rin." Pagtataboy ng medyo suplada ko talagang kaibigan.
"Go, we'll be fine!" Inakbayan ito ni Lyon.
Narinig ko pa ang reklamo nang huli ngunit natangay na palayo ni Lyon. Hinarap ko si Stav na ngayon ay naglalakad na patungo sa akin. It was slow motion, I was standing in the field in my summer dress, and his deep honey eyes held me as he went closer.
I smiled at him but soon as he hugged me, my heart clenched and my eyes welled with tears.
"Hey," he whispered huskily and combed my hair back.
"Okay ka lang? Ano'ng nangyari? Ang Auntie mo na naman ba? Sinaktan ka ba niya?" Sinuri niya ang kabuuan ko.
I hate how he simply understands everything without me saying anything. He's the person who could possibly ever know me like this.
"No, Stav." Tumikhim ako at ngumiti sa kabila ng tahimik na pagluha.
Marahan niyang pinalis ang mga luha ko. Magkahawak kamay naming binaybay ang tubuhan, patungo sa puno ng Acacia na siyang gitna ng lupain ilang kilometro mula sa mansyon namin.
Naupo kami sa maninipis na damong nakalatag sa lilim ng punong kahoy. Stav leaned on the tree trunk while I leaned on his shoulder. The vast sugarcanes that were softly dancing with the wind were our view. From a distance, the lush green mountain ranges are clearly seen. The skies were clear and the yellow beams of the sun streams freely in everything underneath the heavens.
"Ano'ng nangyari, Clem?" Untag ni Stav sa gitna ng katahimikan.
"What?"
"Hindi ka naman makikipagkita nang biglaan at iiyak ng ganito kung walang nangyaring masama. Did someone see us last night?"
"No," Umahon ako sa pagkakasandal at hinarap ito.
His eyes were dark with worry.
"Nakauwi na si Mama at.." I inhaled sharply. Muling namumuo ang sama ng loob ko kapag naaalala ang galit nito.
"She found out about us and she hurt me again." Pilit akong ngumiti para lang iparating na ayos lang ako.
But the anger had already conquered Stav's eyes. His jaw clenched hardly as he took my hand.
"Where?" He asked softly.
Nagtataka ko itong tinignan.
"Where did she hurt you?" Ulit niya.
"She slapped me."
Pagkasabi ko noon ay hinawakan niya ang pisngi ko at hinagkan ako roon, para bang hinihilom ang kung ano mang sakit roon. I felt so touched at the gesture, my heart hurt with it.
"This is to remind you that the parts of you that they're hurting is worth loving." He whispered on my ear as his fingers tangled on my hair.
Pero nang gawin niya iyon ay mas lalo lang akong naghina. I have grown more vulnerable, I ended up asking him things that bothered me.
"Is there something wrong with me? Something so unloveable about me?"
"No, there's not a single thing unlovable about you." Umiling ito.
"Bakit parang hindi naman ganoon ang tingin ng pamilya ko? No one wants me in their life. It's like it wouldn't matter much if I die or if something bad happens to me.."
"Huwag mong isipin 'yan.." He pleaded as if my own confession gave him equal hurt.
"You are loved. And you matter so much to me, to Zeke, to your brothers, to Lyon.."
Huminto ito para ipitin ang takas na buhok sa likod ng tainga ko.
"What about mom? Hindi niya siguro ako mahal.."
"I can't really speak for her. We are all flawed, and that affects our ability to love correctly. But no one who loves you truly would hurt you intentionally and repeatedly."
"All I know is that sometimes, we are deprived of love from the people we expect the most to love us, and that's not okay but it's not your fault. We can't force people to love us the way we should be loved, we can only be grateful to those that give us that."
Pinasadahan ko ito ng tingin. I am so grateful I have him.
I was born in a Catholic family but I was never religious until now. I think God sent him to me to make everything else more bearable. He sent him to makeup for all the love I was forbidden to have.
"Come here," He scooted me to his chest. I laid there while his arm wrapped behind my back and slowly combed my hair.
"Sing me something to make me feel better?"
He laughed at that.
"Baka naman nagddrama ka lang para kumanta ako?"
Sinampal ko ang braso nito. "Okay lang kung ayaw mo."
"Makakatanggi ba ako sa'yo?"
Tumikhim ito bago ang marahang pag-awit. Hindi ko inasahan iyon kaya nang marinig ang boses niya, hinalukay ang sikmura ko.
"Look at the stars.." He started off softly.
"Look how they shine for you.."
I was immediately hypnotized. The melody and words were slipping from his mouth like the wind's sonata. There were no stars but in the softness of his voice, I began to see imaginary constellations.
"Look how they shine for you and all the things you do. They were all Yellow."
Gumuhit ang ngiti ko nang masilayan ang dilaw na taniman sa ilalim ng araw. It was a bright day. It was too beautiful, it's almost unbelievable.
"Your skin... your skin and bones
Turn in to something beautiful."
Patuloy na humalo ang marahan niyang boses sa ihip ng payapang hangin. Iyon ang tanging musika sa lawak ng tubuhan.
Before us were the wide sugarcane fields and faraway mountain ranges and the sky that stretches eternally. We were so small amidst all the nature before us. I wanted to stay there forever while listening to him sing.
"Do you know? You know I love you so. You know I love you so." He sang softly to the end.
"This is now my new favorite song."
Patuloy niyang hinagod ang buhok ko.
"Really?"
"Yes, I love it."
"I hope it reminds you that you are loved and that you matter so much."
Tiningala ko ito at sinalubong ang namumungay niyang mga mata. Kumawala ako sa pagkakaakbay niya upang tuluyan siyang harapin.
"Do you sometimes think we're Romeo and Juliet?" I thought out loud.
Nangunot ang noo niya sa tanong ko.
"I mean, with our families being enemies and all. And us not being allowed to be together?"
"No, I don't think we are like them. I hate that story." He said with obvious despise.
I chuckled. He likes Science and maybe he hates Literature. Pero pakiramdam ko, iba ang pagkamuhi niya sa partikular na istoryang iyon.
"They died in the end, Clem." Paliwanag niya.
"Well, we won't be Romeo and Juliet in Shakespeare's. We'll be in Taylor Swift's. Mas bagay sa'tin iyon."
"Why?"
"Because in Taylor Swift's, they end up marrying each other."
Gumuhit ang ngiti sa mga labi ni Stav at ganoon rin sa akin. My heart felt so full. To be young and talk about marriage, it's pure bliss. That moment, I felt like nothing else could make me happier.
All the hurt is worth it if fighting means winning him.
"But right now, they're separating us."
"Just like Romeo and Juliet."
"I could leave, Stav. I want to leave. That way, they couldn't take us apart anymore. But what do you want me to do?" I asked worriedly.
Pinaglaruan niya ang kamay kong na sa damuhan. Dumapo roon ang paningin ko nang paglaruan niya ang mga daliri ko.
"I want you to stay, and when the time is right, I'd help you leave if you still want to." Aniya kasabay ng pag-angat ng kamay ko na pinatakan niya ng marahang halik.
"But they'll send me back to States soon. Kapag tapos na ang bakasyon."
"Ayos lang. Maghihintay ako. Ganoon naman palagi, hindi ba? Tuwing bakasyon, magkikita tayo."
Just the thought of it breaks my heart but I pretended to be alright.
Pinisil niya ang kamay ko bilang pang-aalu. Tumango ako't pilit pinanatag ang sarili. I put all my trust in his words and wished for my vacation to never be over.
Nagpaalam rin kami sa isa't isa nang dumating na sina Lyon at sinusundo na ako. Nang makitang sina Lyon at Ida ang kasabay kong umuwi, hindi naman na nagtanong ang ilan pang mga kasambahay.
The next day, I received a package even though I wasn't expecting any. Agad kong binuksan ang maliit na kahon na nakapangalan umano sa akin ayon kay Minerva. Nang makita ang laman noon, alam ko na agad kung kanino iyon galing.
Gumapang ang ngiti sa mga labi ko. Inside were some of my polaroid photos taken by Stav. Naroon ang kuha ko sa gitna ng mga sunflower, nakalingon ako at nakangiti sa kaniya, maging iyong na sa tulay ako ng Claveria at ang litrato ng mga kamay naming magkahawak.
Sa likod noon, nakasulat sa baybayin ang mga katagang "mahalaga ka." Pagkatapos suriin ang bawat isa ay isinilid ko iyon sa maliit na jewelry box at itinago sa ilalim ng kama ko para walang makakita.
Naistorbo ako nang bumukas ang pintuan ng kwarto ko at iniluwa ang ilang mga kasambahay. They barged in without saying anything. Nagtataka ko silang pinanonood hanggang sa inilabas nila ang mga maleta mula sa walk-in closet ko.
"Miss Zhalia, pinapipili na po kayo ni Ma'am Alessandra ng mga gamit na gusto niyo raw i-empake."
I started to freak out at that.
I know this feeling so well. I have seen this scene when I was six and it's not good. They're sending me back to the States soon even when my vacation's clearly not over yet.