"Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself."
"This is the last warning, concentrate on slides or else, everyone would write a surprise test right now."
Instantly there was pin drop silence in the class, Professor Suman seemed satisfied as every student straightened their spine fixing their eyes on the projector. Not on their phones. It was Wednesday the last hour just before the fresher's party day. It was silly how these senior students were getting excited when the party was for juniors.
Well that was the thing, in any way it was...a party.
I could still see girls tapping their feet impatiently giddily smiling maybe doing catwalks in their imaginations. Few boys texting, their fingers racing on the keypad while their eyes remained on the projector screen. Some skills, huh...I couldn't learn that in this lifetime.
No one was interested a bit in studying about "Transgenic animals" in biotech class. Ayesha next to me was drooping, comically trying to keep her eyes open.
She narrows her eyes finding me smiling then deliberately yawn gazing at me. Her wicked intentions succeed resulting me to yawn like her. Then she starts laughing.
The attention was quick on us, professor Suman was kind of carefree personality but the way she glared at us was clear of her irritation. Ayesha was covering her mouth poorly controlling her chuckles, I knew it was waste to stop her. Her obnoxious laughter slows down on its own will, no one could do anything about it.
I gave an apologetic look to professor once her glare was shifted on me, obviously she'd believe both friends float in the same boat for everything. She opened her mouth maybe to assign us extra work when luckily a voice announced.
"It's Four p.m., so technically lecture ends now."
Looking at the digital clock on front wall, I sighed in relief. Professor didn't appreciate my relief grumbling to herself something about us students being ungrateful. Giving us last instructions, loudly, to review the slides and submit the assignments next week, she left the classroom.
Someone waved beside, I turned sideways to find Dev with a sly smirk. Oh, so it was him to voice the timing of lecture and his smirk tells me, he is expecting to hear some grateful words from me. Which he won't get.
Ignoring him I packed my things, it was just one book and pen unlike Ayesha who'd take nearly ten minutes to arrange her materials in bag. I could see how chaotic the class going to turn in any minute so I helped her to rush our escape from here.
Though my escape was only till outside of the class, as I have to spend next hour or two in library. Every alternate day in the week I take tuitions of five students from our class. My earnings were for me, as Mamma had refused to accept even a single penny of it. Initially I told her it was just my hobby to help my classmates but both of us were aware of the actual reason.
I feel hesitant to ask money for any of my needs from her. It feels like demanding something that I don't even own it.
Despite her refusal I save the money in my personal account only utilizing a small part of it. At very young age and our family's earlier situations, I have witnessed enough about importance of money. Also it makes me feel independent, a great freedom to make choices in life with as little as it is.
"You could have skipped today, Mer."
Ayesha protested once we neared the junction, steps on left side leading library and entrance to the front. I gave her a bored look. "You know it's not my choice, they want to have this session. I can't deny them just because I'm not in mood."
She huffed in irritation, "Fine. Though Dev gave me creeps just like he is, so just be careful. I seriously don't understand why boys can't take no, actually an answer and get the hell away."
Dev, is what could be called a flamboyant. Typical bad boy flirting and doing many things in our class. Enough red flag to stay miles away from him, but he happens to be requesting literally, for my tutoring sessions. I'd have denied if not for the payment, he is highest payer among the five students mostly asking me to teach all subjects.
I have to only tolerate his annoying flirtatious comments, he doesn't cross the line but leaves me with headache for rest of the day.
After assuring Ayesha, hugging her goodbye, I take the stairs. If not for exams or internal preparatory weeks it remains fairly empty. It is of moderate size meant for specifically our department but the woody furniture and windows on either sides gives it a comfy feeling.
Mr. Sharman is as usual sitting reading newspaper behind the registering counter, once I enter we exchange greetings for the day then I take my usual seat towards the end and take out my notes waiting for the students. I have not even started yet, still could feel tiredness through me.
Sighing, I face the window beside my chair. It's going to be long day-I mutter to myself.
"Sorry babe, I hope you were not waiting for long."
Dev took seat in front of me, I was busy completing the Biochemistry assignment and didn't bother to acknowledge his presence. It was nothing new, He was late and this statement was repeated always. It annoyed me how he behaved as if we were on date or something. Also he'd take other's time for granted.
It's fine Meera only two hours then you don't have to talk to him for good three days. Thank God, next day of the party was given a holiday.
I checked the phone lying next to stack of books, there were no message from rest of the students. Weird, they were supposed to be here almost twenty minutes before. I was about to send them text in the group chat...
"Don't bother typing, no one is going to join."
"What, why?"
He shrugged, "They were not interested for today and I couldn't leave this chance having some quality time with you."
I tried not to openly grimace.
Earlier none of the boys in class, hell in entire department ever talked to me let alone flirt with me. I was actually grateful for that. Though recently Dev shifted his attention on me since I dressed better and lost evident weight. Always passing comments or doing anything to grab my attention. I had zero interest in him and didn't feel hesitant to show it.
All hots for only Arjun, I groaned at my own thoughts.
"Let's start the session, did you write your pending assignments?"
At lack of my interest, his smirk was gone. Better. Actually it didn't suit him.
After two long torturous hours I literally sprinted to exist the gates. Dev was good student but was not interested for scoring good grades. He needlessly informed me, he was going to inherit his father's company graduate or not. He'd mostly pass cheesy comments prolonging the studies much to my impatience.
I hardly got to breath freely in air while walking on the pavement when the most disdainful voice reached me.
"Baby girl,"
I almost stumbled clutching my hands tightly. 'He can't be here, maybe it was my illusion'. Though It proved wrong, panic clogging my throat. I turned, nearly jumping out of my skin as his bike speedily crossed on the pavement.
The worst nightmare was in front of me, Runvijay.
I was grateful my face was covered with scarf he couldn't see how afraid I was in his disgracing presence. His eyes, were roaming on my body like he does every time. In absolutely disgusting way. I forced my body not to shake in front of him, he'd surely enjoy it.
"C'mon baby girl, let's go on a drive we have lots of catching up to do." He runs his fingers in his messy greasy wavy hair.
As if I'd agree. I was about to deny when he interrupted, "Didi* has returned back home and seemed disappointed with you."
Oh crap! Chaitra mammi* was the eldest daughter in law simply to put in she holds the entire command of household. If she says no to anything there won't be any word against it. Her decision is loud and final in every trivial thing of family.
I was happy that she left nearly for ten days to visit her parents back in Bengal but I guess all happy moments come to an end. To make my life miserable this man was her dear brother who lives half time in Mumbai doing God knows what sort of businesses.
Even if he was thirteen years older than me, a divorcee he has no decency at all. Earlier I thought it was only the way he gave me dirty looks so it was easy to ignore him completely. But recently his visits became frequent with his 'accidental touches'. He is so discreet no one would notice him.
I know it was wrong not to inform mamma but we were in our struggle to find stability in our life.
I didn't want to make it difficult for her. Also if Bhai* has even air of this matter, he'd definitely end up in jail. For starters, he'd plug those teeth this shitty man is showing me in an attempt to smile. Fact to be stated, Runvijay has never outwardly crossed the line but it is his lustful eyes... my body shuddered in disgust.
He tilts his head when I don't move, the people passing by gives doubtful looks at the scene. I compose myself and take cautious steps avoiding his bike.
"You seemed comfortable riding with some other man few days before, what happened now?"
This time I couldn't control myself from backing few steps in fear, chill shivers running through my spine.
He evilly smiles, "I wonder how Didi and entire family is going to react knowing the young daughter of the household is roaming with an unknown man in not so innocent way, in broad daylight." He gives a fake thoughtful expression.
I was never a violent person in life but I so badly want to punch this man.
He chuckles, "Don't worry baby girl, I won't tell anyone. Just go on a drive with me as an easy compensation. Hurry up we don't want Didi to wait more than required."
My body is screaming to deny or run from him. But I can't.
If as much as a hint reaches the family it'd be chaos like no other. Their composite traditional mindsets won't be easy to deal with. Not to forget the timing is crucial as I'm going to have my finals soon and mamma is going to be promoted in couple of months. Bhai would be completing his internship, he needs to concentrate on his career.
I cannot let this simple mishap to ruin all our efforts for our future.
I know 100% everyone in family would think, I was having an affair with someone. Out of their consent. Mamma may believe me but how long she'd fight with her own family? Once it was for papa, I can't be the next reason.
Outsiders, bastards like him could take advantage because of this lack of faith. Or should I say more importance to society's perspectives and norms than to trust their own family.
I don't even care for swearing at him in my mind.
The entire time in this painstaking ride, I refuse to pay any attention for anything. My body remained like a stiff cardboard clutching behind the seat tightly, until Runvijay dropped me home. He spared every effort to strike a conversation or deliberately race the speed, so I'd seek for his support but I didn't spare him a single glance nor a word.
I was emotionally and physically drained by the time I was stepping inside. I wanted nothing except to hide myself in blankets and cry in frustration on the entire ordeal of this day. Again, I was not lucky.
"Why are you coming home so late?
There, Chaitra mammi was siting on one of the veranda chair glaring at me. I hate it. Every day that even if I tiptoed, my presence would be known because I have to cross this wide common veranda next to the main gates, for reaching the stairs.
"There must be a reason," I kept ignoring her.
"I'm waiting Meera," she sternly reminds me.
"Mom, please excuse her today."
Of course Leena was there like a 'dear sister' to help me. There must be a catch, "She is not regularly late when you were not at home, it was just two or three times."
She proved my suspicions correctly. How could she miss the opportunity to spur troubles in my life.
I sighed internally preparing for another round of drama.
"There is this fresher's party being organized by us seniors, I was helping Ayesha in theme decorations after college hours. But I made sure to inform Mamma..."
She cut me off, "Who isn't at home most of the time, recklessly leaving her responsibilities. So your careless behavior was easily overlooked."
This time I glared at her. She could tell anything to me but I'd never tolerate a word against Mamma.
She is aware that she is not being discreet with her anger for us, as the disdainful glint replaces with her practiced plastered smile. The fact would never change though, she never accepted us as part of this family.
"You shouldn't have taken part in this task or any, if it would make you late. You should have thought about it. Any ways I can understand you want to enjoy your college life, so I will allow you to attend this party." She sighs as if doing a great favor on me.
I remained silent as she began walking to me. My patience was hanging on thin thread now.
She places her hand gently on my arm, "You are a good girl Meera, try to be more responsible."
It'd have been better if she taught the same to her daughter as well.
"Go and freshen up, then meet me in the kitchen both of you in fifteen minutes. I'm going to make few new recipes for dinner and you both have to memorize it, while helping me."
"Mom, I'm excited."
"Mammi, I'm tired..."
We both exclaimed at the same time. It was easy for Leena, as her college was less than ten minutes of reach still mama ji* or her friends would drop her. Half of the days in month she'd skip college. It was just an average institution, with her grades, it was shocking she was accepted in one of them at least.
Maybe this was reason for her jealousy towards me. Though it was my hard work that paid to achieve a seat in biggest campus of Mumbai not simply dropped down from sky. I always remained humble much to this mother-daughter duo bitterness.
Something they showed at every given opportunity.
"Meera, Mammi's hold on my arm hardened like her eyes. Not liking my disobedience.
"All these training and learning is for your better future. Once you get married, your in-laws or husband won't care you are tired or exhausted, they'd expect perfectly cooked food and arranged on dining table right on time every single day. No one would appreciate your lame excuses."
Not a single event they'd leave, especially Chaitra mammi, to force their narrow mentalities. Girls from good family should sit, talk, walk this way or that way- every task meant only to impress outsiders, relatives or non existent future in laws. This is the reason I feel suffocated in this family.
Promising myself I'd not show them my vulnerability, I nod my head.
By the time I was done with the kitchen tasks, hardly eating, it was eleven at night. I landed face first on my bed with no energy left to even drag the comforter. Mamma was again on night shift. Generally the entire day would be spent in college or writing assignments. But it was this night time that made me face the reality, I kept delaying.
How irking silent it was because I'm alone, scared, with no one for me.
My fingers played with the phone contemplating to call one person, I needed the most in these nerve wrecking moments. I know he'd not lift my calls just like all those he didn't along the week. Still, I texted with every ounce of hope left with me. Tears finally leaving my eyes.
"Bhai..."
Glossary:
Didi: Elder sister
Mammi: Mother's sister in law.
Mamma: Mother's brother.
Bhai: Elder brother.